Stand

I have just finished reading a book called The Freedom Writers Diary and it is an inspirational book with so much inside it but one thing that 'spoke' to me is a poem one of the teenagers wrote to read to the then Secetary of Education Richard Riley .................

Stand

Stay Black
Stay Proud
Stay White
Stay Proud
Stay Brown
Stay Proud
Stay Yellow
Stay Proud

Don't be afraid to be what you are
'cause all you can be is you
You'll never be anything else but you,
So be the best you,you can be
Keep it real
By all means
at all times

Whether a lawyer, a doctor, a football player,
A toilet cleaner, a garbage handler, a panhandler -
Keep it real
And still ---
Be the best you can be

Have pride, have dignity, stand
Stand proud, talk proud, act proud, be proud!

Don't lay down
back down
bow down
run away
sell out yourself, sell into criticism

Be real and realise that the ones who criticize,
best recognize that you are you -
take it or leave it .

"MMM HMM"
I knew you'd get it.
Get what ?
The stuff -
the stuff called pride, that attitude, that aura,
your identity, your self, your pride, peace of mind,
worry free.

See I can't be you, but I'm a damn good ME !

Life Changes

I wrote this last year, just a few short weeks after i arrived here to be with Master.....

There
are many things that kitten thinks of when she thinks of Master, He is
strong, has a body to die for, He is successful in His chosen field, He
is kittens rock when she is scared * been a few of those times* and He
is someone you can rely on to tell you the truth no matter what is
asked of Him, in all He is someone that a person, not just a slave, can
depend on BUT and this might get kitten a few bloody pillows, the one
thing He never fails to do is make kitten smile and laugh.

The other night, one of
the cats * and he knows which one he is, have no doubt kitten had stern
words with him * decided to bring a playmate home. Now for those who
are not aware, kitten is now in Florida, and this is the land of
geikos, snakes and countless other things that either crawl or slither
across the floor it seems and the cat decided it was going to bring one
in, not dead as he rarely kills them. Kitten went into the kitchen to
get Master a drink, and the new playmate ran out from under the
fridge, kitten did what any self respecting kitten would do, a
screaming dance that would rivel those on the TV !

Well kittens scream
brought Master running, think He thought kitten was being murdered, and
there ensued a scene that kitten can only describe as worthy of a
comedy show ! Picture the scene, kitten screaming and running outside,
standing on a bench so it can’t get her * found out afterwards the
bloody things can climb* and a naked Master chasing this thing
around the room with a broom, then in comes the cat, who showed total
disinterest in the scene happening in the kitchen and proceeded to
climb on the nightstand and fall asleep.

Why is kitten posting this you might ask, well for three reasons

1 – To show that no matter what the problem is, a Master will come if you scream

2- A Master is a complex person but a person none the less and will provide safety when He is able

And

3 – It was so bloody funny

The reason i posted this is to show how things change in a year, now we have a gecko living in the house with us, another playmate the cat brought in and got bored with so it hid out under the telly where it now lives, to the extent Master has taken to leaving it bits of celery and lettuce so it has a balanced diet !!!! and yeap we still have the two cats and they totally ignore it !

When i first got here i was one of two slaves Master owned, now i am the only one, during the year we have had a few come to visit and stay with us but not to actually live but we are still hopeful that someone real will come along who wants to be part of our poly family.

I have been with Master a year real time now and apart from some health issues i have been busy, i work full time yet still do the houshold chores and all the shopping, we walk approximatly 2 to 3 miles a day and play tennis 2 to 3 times a week as well, i have felled 4 trees and laid a driveway, learnt to drive on the wrong side of the road and can find my way around the town * based on what shops i have to drive past but lol as a map system it works *

So many changes in my life, so many twists and turns but through them all i have remained faithful to Master and He has protected me and guided me to where i am today. I am kitten no more no less, i am me and that is enough for Master

Another Day

Well i survived, the news while not great was not the worst case senario so i live to fight another day. There are three stages of cell abnormalities it seems - stage 3 being cancer and i have stage 1 so more surgery is in the cards for me it seems. It could be worse though so i am thankful for the small mercies and for the support and strength i have recieved from Master and my friends, that has really meant so much to me, having been through something like this before but for a family member i know first hand what can happen and i will admit i was scared.

On the bright side i am looking forward to all the new things Master has planned, He has so many things that He wants to do/learn/experience i am sure this year is going to be a whirlwind of fun and laughter, lol one of the first things is we are going to learn archery !!! not sure why but i am sure it will be fun, after that its on to the next thing.

Another thing He has planned is meeting a few people that we have been talking to, one couple is coming here and we are going to visit another couple, and lol some of the things Master and this other Master have planned for me and His one is making me tingle thinking about it !!!

I have been really busy today, made a lovely double chocolate birthday cake for Master, it seems i am not the only one with a sweet tooth ! i have wrapped His gifts and i just have to run out this afternoon and collect the last one that has been ordered and then i am all set.

This is my year, this is the year that Master and i can move forward and upwards, to really live life as its meant to be, something to enjoy.

Learning to Lean on Master

Well today's the day, today i find out if i have got the best or worst diagnosis, and i will admit i am scared but it will be what it is and like all things i will deal with it as i need to if the worst is true.
Its strange but having been one to deal with things on my own for so long i am having a hard time letting Master help me, lol very hard ! We have had more than a few words about it but the up shot is He over ruled me and is coming with me to find out the results. In one way i am relieved but in another way i am not, i hate leaning on Him because i know He has enough on His plate without me whining about my health, and if it was something minor then i would not even bother telling Him but this is something i tried to play down but unfortunately the call came about more tests and biopsy's being needed when He was there so that wasn't an option ( i am sure He worked for the Gestapo in a previous life as His interrogation techniques are amazing)
This morning resulted in another 'discussion', another one where i lost i might add and so it is with His support i will find out what is wrong and what happens now, hhhmmm and that i am really not looking forward to.
I have positive thoughts, it will all be ok and then we can move forward to bigger and better things, this is just a blip in the grand scheme of things and we are closer for it and wiser for it as well, things are now in perspective, little things no longer worry me, things said or done are no longer of any importance. Once we get today over with we can finalize plans to meet more local people who are into the same thing Master and i are, we have a few we have been in contact with who are eager to meet and there is a few who we are still in the talking to stage who seem real and want to meet, who knows maybe some new friendships will come out of it, if not then some serious playtimes are on the horizon for us both !!!
It takes a major event to make you appreciate the things you have in life, and even though i have only been real time with Master for just under a year He has proven Himself to me over and over in His support and belief in me, add to that my real friends who have supported me through this and i am a really lucky slave.

The Past Is Catching Me

Do you ever notice how the past has a way of catching up with you ? The when things seem to be going well along it comes to throw a spanner in the works ? Well its happening to me right now and i am not sure how to deal with it.
I had a phone call the other day and it was from my ex - it seems he wants me back. Now that in itself was strange enough but his whole manner and how he was speaking to me really threw me, he was pleasent, mild mannered, enquiring about me and my health * neither him or the children know about my ongoing drama with my health and the tests/biopsys as i didn't think it was fair to burden the kids with that * He wanted to know what i was up to and how i was fairing, was i happy, did i regret leaving the kids, my job and family and friends.
He was dropping very subtle hints and first and when i didn't repsond in the way he wanted he came right out and told me he thought it was time to end this nonsense and come home, he would make sure i was ok and he would look after me. Eeeeeeeerrrrr no thank you, i have been there and done that and it was not nice !!!
Now i will be the first to say that my life here is not perfect, i am really happy with Master, i could not wish for a better man, He is firm but fair, which i need, He is funny, loves to play about * hhmmm He now has this thing with the ice packs which well lets just say ..... damn they are cold * He is loving and seems to know when i need a hug and thats a bonus cos i will never ask for one but there are times unknown to me that i need one and He is SEXY !! He has drive and ambition and finally He is an all round good guy.
But and heres the thing, i miss my family and my kids, i miss my old job and i miss my friends, lol i miss the shops and the food brands * hence why i now weight 130lbs instead of 180lbs * Damn it i even miss the dog and she drove me mad ! I can't say i miss the weather cos its freezing here but i do miss the closeness of things around me. Sometimes i could sit and cry at the sense of loss i feel but then Master says something or looks at me with that twinkle in His eye and i know i made the right decision and all feeling of remorse is thrown out of the window.
I guess i am feeling sorry for myself, i am getting closer to a day i am scared of, its my daughters and my sisters birthday on wednesday, a day of celebration but its also the day i get my biopsy results and thats scary, its also a day i take a test to see if i can get another part time job so i can help more with the finances as Master has some really good ideas which He is looking into and i would love to see them come about.
I know that ex will try to speak to me on wednesday, he knows how emotional i get on the kids birthday, was his call just a paving of the way to try to wear me down ? Who knows, i might be wrong as i haven't told Master yet about the conversation with ex but He is dealing with issues and people of His own and i will not add to His burden.
Sometimes life is a strange thing, the unexpected hits you when you least expect it, i just know i have to stay strong and take the days as they come, wednesday will be my D day in more ways than one i fear.

Morning Ramblings

So much has happened in my life this past two weeks that i am struggling to keep all the negative thoughts from my head, and its hard and not really working to be honest. I have tried to take each day as it comes, looking for the good in it and the good in my life but sometimes its not easy.
I am still trying to deal with this eternal tiredness, i think its my way of shutting things out, of not letting them get to me, closing my eyes and my mind to all that is going on around me through the power of sleep * or in my case near unconsiousness * I know that is not fair to Master but most of the time He is busy so does not notice anyway so its not as if i am failing Him in my duty as His slave.
I am now finally used to not being able to sit on the furniture, i automatically sit on the floor now as is His wish and after a few mishaps getting up * lol its not easy trying to stand when you have your hands cuffed, your balance is way off * i think i might have got the hang of it, so god knows what is next, He is using subtle ways to break my independant streak.
I know this is a sort of blahhhhh post but i will be honest in that the things happening in my life are personal at the moment and not something i feel i can share just yet, next week i will and then maybe people will understand but at the moment i need to just get through each day as best i can, putting all things behind me for another day until i have some sort of answer to a lot of the things in my mind.

Rambling Thoughts

I sit here most days wondering what to write, indeed if i should write at all as really what does it achieve ? Well for me this is a place to put down a watered version of my journal, some of the more generic thoughts and ideas i have whether its refurring to basic life or the new things Master want to try play wise - and He has some GREAT ideas which i am really excited about.

I have heard many times how people are scared of needles and how they spend hours before a blood test moaning and groaning about it but this is something that does not bother me so when Master said He wanted to experiment on me with needles i was all for it - lol i am not stupid, i know that He will ensure i am safe but at the same time He will cater to that pain slut side of me.

He has so many ideas and thoughts about play, the garage is being turned into a play room, He has already made a version of a cross which i get chained to when He wants to use the whip, and the swing He can get from the 6ft whip is WWWOOOWWW !! He is also planning to suspend some chains from the rafters to hang me from, even the though of that makes me ache with desire.

As for the medical issues, well i still have a week to wait for those to come back, and added to all the rest of the stuff going on in my life that is really one thing i could do without, not only me but Master as well 'cos even though He tries to be positive for me He is worried about my health and so is sis, they both 'mother' me in their own ways and for that i love them.

Sometimes things pile up one after the other and it seems that is what is happening right now, we try to be supportive when we can and help and be sympathetic to others but at other times you feel like screaming at them and saying "If only you had half the trouble that i have then you can say something " but as usual we stay quiet and provide that shoulder for others to lean on. One of the thing that comes to mind is my daughter, i feel for her, i know all she is going through and so i listen and am sympathetic, i support her and am there for her, yet deep inside i want to tell her what i am going through but i won't as its not her problem to bear, she is so caught up in herself that she is almost blinded to anything else and i do understand her feelings, what she is experiencing is new and wonderful to her so i am happy for her and will not burden her.

Sometimes life catches up with you and you have no choice but to weather the storms and pray you make it through the other side.

A Slave in the Vanilla World

How many times do you hear that we live an 'Alternative Lifesstyle' ? That we are not vanilla ?



Well i am kitten, i am Masters slave, yet i live in a vanilla world.



Confused ? Well let me try to explain my thoughts on this.



Last night i was talking to someone online and they said that they had a submissive streak, that they had always been submissive and they longed to be able to live their life as a slave. When i asked what has drawn her to this lifestyle her answer was as followed

" I want to be used as a fck toy, to please His every whim. I want to be taken forcably and tied up, i want to be whipped and spanked. I dream of a Master using me as His plaything and not being able to resist Him."



HHhhmm this is great, a sub in the making it seems but a slave ? Hell even a sub in the sense of the word as i understand it ? A sex sub maye, used only for sexual play and nothing more, but a slave ? Not as i understand it to mean.



Where was the mention of making His life easier ? Where is the need to cook and clean for Him ? Go to work so that you are not a financial drain on Him ? Where was the yearning to make sure He was always looking smart in freshly laundered clothes ? What about the shopping and other mindless daily task a person has to do ?



When i mentioned this to her i drew a blank, she didn't understand what i was talking about and could not comprehend that a slave is expected to do these jobs as well. A slave is there for her Masters convinience and as such is supposed to make His life easier.



In a fairytale life a slave would have a servent, we would all be walking around naked waiting to be able to please our Masters with our bodies, waiting to scratch what ever itch He has at that time. Waiting to be used by Him. Waiting to be able to bring a smile to His face as He fcks us senseless. The servent would do all the other stuff.



In our house i am the servent, i am the gardner, i am the cook, i am the cleaner, i am the window cleaner, i am the shopper, i am the laundry worker, i am the job holder, i am the caretaker, i am the sounding board for His thoughts and problems. I am a slave, His slave and i do this all willingly and to the best of my ability and with the minimum of fuss and arguments, i do this because i am in a alternative lifestyle but it is still a life.



I do understand where people get the thought that when they submit to someone it will be all sunshine and roses, that they will be cared for and looked after, all desicions and problems will disappear and their lives will by some miricle be perfect but its not like that at all.



All too often people see the pictures online and think that is all there is to this life, the willingness to be dominated during sex makes them a slave, to have monkey sex all the time is all both parties are looking for and unfortunatly sometimes when you talk to a new person that is all they see this life as.



I am a slave in a vanilla lifestyle at least 80% of the time, i have rules and boundries i have to adhere to and i have rituals i have to observe, i cannot sit on the furniture without permission, i cannot just go out when i please, my time is not mine but His to dictate. I ask what clothes to wear when we go out and i get permission to cut my hair or shave His pussy * which is usually denied * Little things people do automatically i have to stop and think before i do them. I work fulltime and am usually gone from the house till 9.30 but i make sure His evening meal is ready for Him before i go and when i return i carry on where i left off, making sure He has all He needs. This is the life of a slave, not the one you see online in the pictures, but real life. Yes we play and we play hard but that is just a very small part of being a slave, most of the time we live life just like everyone else on this planet does.

This Life As Seen From A 24/7 Viewpoint

I know many people think i am hard on online relationships or part time submission but i think it is with good reason at times. I have been witness to many who think they want this life both real time and online but they want it under their terms, they want to decide what they will do and when and that is something i struggle to understand.

Many people see this as a way to add some kink into their lives, all the pictures online are sex based and people seem to assume that this is what it is. From experience i have know of someone who would shower at 2pm every afternoon while she was visiting her Master for the first time, do her hair and make up and then wait on His bed for His return, her idea of 'serving' Him was having sex every day, being tied up and flogged/beaten etc but with no thought of cleaning,cooking,ironing etc - is this really service ?

I also have been witness to others who have been online but again if the conversation is not going their way they simply sign off and leave, thus dictating their own terms of conversation - again is this really submission ? I know from experience that Master might not talk to me for hours at a time if He is busy, i work all afternoon/evening until 9.30 most days so the time i get to spend with Him is precious to me but again it is not my choice if He converses with me, He might be busy with another or out with another, that is something i have no say in and so i wait until He is ready or able to spend time with me, that is how it is and how it should be, Do i like it ? not always but it is not my choice to dictate when or if He talks to me.

I know people think that this M/ or D/s stuff is all about being used as a fck toy and lol i sometimes wish it was but its not, sex is a bonus not a right and if there is some kink thrown in then that is another bonus. This is a lifestyle, it is something real people do every day, we have the same jobs to do as everyone else, we still have all the normal everyday chores that need to be done, the difference is we make sure they are done because it makes Masters life easier. I would not dream of asking Him to do the dishes. I have had 2 procedures done in the past two weeks, both knocking me off my feet yet still i got up to cook Masters evening meal, why ? because that is what a slave does - simple as that, its my job as Masters slave to make His life easier. I have no time to be ill because that does not get the chores/tasks done.

Sometimes people need to look at their lives and what they think is lacking in them and really understand what they hope to get from this lifestyle because its still life, and that does not change whether you are vanilla,kinky,M/s or D/s, all that changes is the degree of what you are expected to serve another.

Making Comparisons

Did you know there are over 500 blogs in blog land about this lifestyle ? Now what that means is that there are over 500 different points of view about this lifestyle, over 500 different people giving their opinions and take on any given situation. That does not include the ones that are mainly sex based, this is just the ones who write about their lives as Masters/Doms subs or slaves.

Now take a look at all your real time lifestyle friends, they also have views and opinions on how this life should be. Most of them are in relationships so they 'know' what this life is all about.

Now look at your relationship - where does it fit in to this ? Do they have children ? Are they married to each other ? Hell married to other people ? Are they in a poly or monogamous relationship ? Are you more or less than someone else ? Is their life better or worse ? Do they have more or less interactions with their owners ? Are they getting monkey sex 24/7 and your not ? Do they have more rules than you ? Are they pain sluts or do they not like pain ?

Sometimes looking at others relationships and what they have is the wrong thing to do, you are only privy to certain aspects of their lives, the bits they WANT you know about but all too often you don't get to hear about the self doubt, the arguments, the fears and insecurities that they face. You don't get to hear about their everyday lives, the cooking, cleaning,washing, ironing etc. You just get to hear about the bits they want to tell you.

When looking at others lives and comparing them we are often left with a sense of jealousy, we ask why they are living the life we want, why they are having the life we crave and then we look at our lives and if you are honest you are left with a feeling of lose, we want more, we want what we THINK others have.

But do they really have it all ? Is their life really all that much more than ours ? Are they reading the words of others and thinking the same thing ? Is their life honestly so perfect that they are living it in nirvana where everything is sunshine and roses ?

The trouble with reading or listening to others views on this life is that it is something that works for them - that does not mean it is right for us. I am a slave, i am a pain slut, so reading or listening to a sub who is not into pain is not something that would be right for me. The same goes for listening to a sub/slave who has no children, how would they be able to relate to some of the things that happen in my life ? How can someone who is only online and never been real time be relevant to what i am experiencing ? A sub/slave who is in a monogamous marriage/relationship will have different points of view and issues than i do being in a poly relationship.

There is a saying that the grass is always greener on the other side but unfortunately to get to that greener grass you need to know what path to take. Each relationship is individual, the highs and lows experienced within that are relevant only to you, there is no two exactly the same and while you can look at things from a distance and dream of what they have you will never know exactly if your dreams and their realities are actually the same.

Take a look at YOUR life and see what it contains - you might be surprised at just how many others envy YOU for what they think you have that their life is lacking. Be grateful for your life and all it contains, you will never really know if it is more or less than anyone else

On The Same Wavelength

Yesterday was a bad day for me, i will not go into details as those important to me know them but it made me ask something from Master that i have not even thought about in so long - i told Him that what i was going through was not fair to Him and i fully understood if He wanted to release me, i tried to explain that my 'problems' were not something He could ever have anticipated and as such they were not fair to Him and how He wants to live His life. He refused.

After much talking and honesty between us i am finally now at that place i had only hoped for previously, i am fully His slave now. The timing of this is ironic because of the things i am - no WE are going through but in one way i think it had to be this way, i needed events to happen so i could fully allow myself to be His in all ways.

I am to be taken deeper into submission, He is going to be harder,and more consistent with me, i am to ask for more things than i previously had to - even sitting on the furniture is not my right any more, i have to ask. I have certain chores i must do daily and there is no excuse not to do them, little things that previously i would either do or not do depending on what i had planned, now my day is not mine to plan but all chores/tasks/jobs are to be approved by Him the previous night. We know that sometimes unexpected things happen and its not always possible to stick to the routine but i am expected to stick to it as much as possible - at least until He is satisfied that i am learning the lessons He is teaching.

He wants more extreme M/s and He feels that now i am finally ready to take that step and so do i, it scares me and yet i am excited. I do not need my life micro managed but i can feel His power over me more and more as the days move forward, i am falling deeper into what He wants me to be.

I am finally able to say with the utmost conviction - I am kitten, i am Masters slave and i am here because He has allowed it

Control

Last night was one of those ' Can't sleep past 3am ' nights and i was walking the block around the house at 4am and thinking and reflecting on myself, my life and my service to Master, trying to get things into perspective and my mind into that place i need. I am the type of person who needs control and structure in her life. I need to know what i am doing and where i am going to feel truly comfortable. Master understands this in me and is trying to provide that for me, little things go a long way to making me feel safe and secure, the wearing of handcuffs while i am at home and when i take my morning walks help me to remember who and what i am.

I hear many people say that they never forget that they are a sub/slave, that they live to serve their Master and i can relate to that but at the same time things happen whether at home or work that make me step back from being 'submissive' and more of an independent person, does this then make me not submissive really ? I have so many questions that race through my mind at times, its true what Master says, no one should venture into my mind with out having a safety line attached !!

I need Master to be my Master, i yearn for the control and the dominance but at the same time i fight it, resist it as i have been independent for so long that while the need to serve Him is strong there are time i fight against Him and His power, this is when i need Him the most, to re adjust my mind and my thinking, to reaffirm who and what i am and to finally punish me if that is what is needed. Just as Master needs to live His life as a Master i need to live my life as His slave.

While i don't want Master to 'micro manage' every detail of my life, *He loves the fact i show initiative and common sense, that i only have to be told something to actually do it, often times doing it on my own and coming to Him with the finished results* i do need Him to give me direction and a sense of purpose. The handcuffs for example, i wear them to feel His control while He is not around and even when He is around but i find myself sometimes not putting them on, waiting for Him to ask why, yet i need them so why am i resisting them ?

Master is learning about me as much as i am learning about Him, He is understanding what i need to take my submission deeper and further than i have before, He is showing me my 'power' as His slave and letting me explore all that it means to us both. Each day i fall deeper into submission and that is something i cannot explain, it is exciting,exhilarating and i am so scared at times by it. Each day He exerts His control over me a bit more, subtle ways that show His power over me and i am powerless to resist Him.

Control starts in the mind, it is the most powerful organ of the body and once your mindset is where it needs to be the rest seems to fall into place. There are times that my mind wanders and that Master is learning the signs for. I need to work on my communication with Him more, to let Him know when i am upset/angry/pissed off or just lost He says as He is not a mind reader and cannot help me if i am not willing to let Him.

Am i submissive ? Yes Am i a slave ? Yes - I am Masters slave and all that entails