A Thinking Kittens Views

Look In The Mirror

2011-09-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

How many people look in a mirror and really see themselves ? See what other people see ?
Do you ever look really hard and see the bags under your eyes ? Why are they there ? Stress ? Tiredness ? Worry ?
What about the lines on your forehead - What put them there ? Stress ? Worry ?
The smile you plaster on your face - Does it reach your eyes ? Does it light up your face or is it a mast placed there to fool people ?

So many times we look in a mirror and see what we want to see, we see what we want other people to see, few times do we actually look and see what is there, what is inside of us.

A person on the outside can see the things we 'gloss' over, the things we try to hide. They are there just hidden from ourselves ................

Whats in a Name ?

2010-06-01T02:08:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a pre exisiting thought that a Master owns slaves and a Dom owns subs - why ? Why does the Master/Dom only own a certain type of person ? A person can be submissive yet not be a slave, in fact if truth be told there are few that actually make good slaves, and at times i count myself amongst those that are not good slaves, does this mean that i cannot be owned because i am not always a slave ?
Depending on the situation we are in, Master will say i am a sub and we are in a D/s relationship, othertimes i have been reffered to as His room mate and sometimes i am not reffered to as anything, just kitten, does this mean that i am not His at those times ?

I see so many claiming to be slaves and maybe some of them are, but how would they know if they are or not if they have never been owned or have only been owned in a D/s situation where the exchange of power is limited ? Can they really be slaves ? Are they subs ? Who cares any way ?

I am often told that i am too hard on the new ones, the young ones who claim that this is the life they need to complete them and make them whole, that they will serve a Master in all ways, willing to be used by the Master etc etc and after two weeks they are planning to move and be with that Master without really knowing anything about Him, His situation, what He likes to eat, drink, His hobbies, His interests etc etc, How can you serve a person you know nothing about ? How can anyone just up and leave their present situation with only brief interactions with a person they have only been speaking to for a couple of weeks ? What are they running away from ? What are they hoping that this new relationship will solve for them ? Do they know the details of the exisiting relationships ? Are they willing or able to be a part of that persons life in all ways ?

To be a slave is more than being a few holes to fuck, it takes commitment and dedication, it takes trust, faith, understanding, belief, it involves being a part of the bigger picture, wanting the Master to succeed, to achieve His dreams and goals, it takes knowing the person who you are submitting to - things that you cannot really understand until you know that person. A prostitute is a hole to screw, a hand is a way that a Master can get sexual relief but a slave needs to be so much more than either of them and that is where i have a problem, and yes i know that there will be some people sitting reading this saying i am too judgemental and maybe i am, but it takes a lot to be a slave and i really can't see how anyone can claim that title after talking for a few weeks to someone.

We read all the time about fakes and players, it comes from both side of the equation, the Doms and Masters who are not real and the subs and slaves who are just relieving the boredom. i do not claim to know all the details of everyones life, maybe they are in a bad situation and submitting to someone is the only way they can live their life, and if thats the case, good luck to them, but to give up everything within a month or so to be with a person you have only just started talking to is stupid - we all know that people can and do say the right thing when its only brief interactions, yet a 24/7 situation is so very difficult and very hard as well, ask any wife or real slave and they will tell you the same

To call yourself a sub or slave is a persons right, to submit to someone who you really don't know is also their right, to instal yourself into the lifes of others without really knowing what you are getting into is your right as well and if they choose to believe all they are told then that is their perogative.

Call yourself a slave, call yourself a sub, call yourself a Dom or Master, call yourself bi sexual or poly - it really does not matter, being any of those things takes time, work and understanding of what is involved, i would not call myself a rocket scientist without first learning what it is to be one, something i think some people might be well advised to understand, to be something first you have to know and understand what it is and what it involves ..............

Another Step Closer

2010-05-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

Another step closer to getting the all clear - i had another procedure yesterday to get rid of the precancerous cells which seem to want to stay in my body, hopefully third time is a charm and that will be the end of it, i can only hope that the next appointment in a months time will give me the all clear we have been praying for.

i think the measure of a good Master can be found in many ways, and in my case i have a Master who cares deeply for me, His caring and support through this has been amazing, He has been tough on me when i was uncertain, taking the responsibility for my health into His own hands and laying down rules and boundries that help me, He has supported me and held me in His arms when i was afraid and when i was being a brat He didn't just punish me, He looked at the reasons i was being brattish and dealt with those first, then corrected those reasons, sometimes with a punishment and sometimes with a shoulder to lean on. Its hard being a Master and knowing what to do in any given circumstance.

There have been a few people over the years we have been together i would like to have beside me while i went through all this, if for no other reason so i could talk to them and ease some of the burden from Master but as has been discovered they are not interested in me as such, more in what being friends with me can do for them in regard to getting brownie points with Master, its sad but true, and so the bulk of the comforting and care is coming from Master, He said that is His job and one He does not object to doing, it is His responsibility to care for me as i care for Him, life has no guarentees but i can guarentee He will be there for me * which made me cry, He said it while i was still emotional about having more bits cut out of my body, told Him that He should not say things like that till i am feeling more like the fiesty kitten He is used to ! *

Master sat talking to people on im last night while i lay on the floor by His feet, that is somewhere i feel comfortable, its daft i know but its as if the pain in my body is lessened by being near the strength in His body, He put needles in my arms last night as well, He had said if i was good He would as He knows it is a treat for me, and so i slept on the floor with needles in and i felt safe and protected, it was as if He was telling me without words that everything would be ok, He bathed my head when i was burning up with fever and He tended to the blood when He removed the needles before i went to bed.... He cared for me in a way that few people have ever done and if possible it made me realise a bit more that no matter what happens He does love me and He will protect me and keep me safe.

Talking to Master has made me realise that for the first time ever i want more, i need more, i want to go further into submission with Him, something i have never desired before, i want to experiment with the dark side of BDSM and M/s, i want to go to the extreme with Him and this is both scary and exhilirating, i crave blood play, i want to experiment with the more extreme types of bondage and beatings. He is working out how to build a cage for me to be placed into, somewhere i can go when the world is getting too much, i am looking forward to that, a safe place that He has made for me. The way i speak to Him is changing as well, i am more obedient and the tone of my voice has changed, i am not a mindless robot but i am someone who will answer Him with respect and i have to ask now for things that were automatic for me, like getting a drink or going to bed, things i said i was going to do previously i know have to ask for if He is here, if He is at work then i do not bother Him with silly things, He trusts me enough to know that i know the difference between what i should do and what i am doing.

this went on a bit and i am sorry, so much in my head and it all seems to spill out through my fingers, and to be honest i am not sure if it made sense to anyone but me,

Lip Service

2010-05-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

There was an instance the other week which has confused and in some ways annoyed me. Master had been speaking to another 'slave' about our life and who and what we were, this was a local person whom we had met briefly last year and happened to meet her again on a site we belong to.
Im conversations moved to phone chats which led to her being invited around to meet me as well and to see if there was a 'spark' between us all and this was met with her approval, she knew Master is poly and that i was a part of His life, there were no secrets or misrepresentations on His part at all. The lady in question came over, she was nice and friendly and we seemed to get on really well, from my perspective any way. She was told that this is a poly relationship, she said that was something she had experience with and liked the idea of being part of a bigger family, it was explained that she would have time with Him on her own as would i and that we would share time together as a unit, that there was no one slave more important than the other.
That day she came over we ended up playing, it was something she was wanting and everyone had a good time. Afterwards we all sat and talked some more and invatations to come over anytime she liked were issued, which she accepted with enthusiasm.
Over the next two weeks i heard nothing from her, Master was treated to brief im messages with no content to really speak of, she was in fact doing the exact opposite of what she had said she wanted and was treating us as she had said she hated being treated herself................why ?
The reason i am telling you this is that with words there needs to come actions, if she was not interested then why pretend she was ? i really fail to see what she was hoping to achieve unless it was to get screwed and played with to satisfy an ache she might have had....
It seems that more and more people are 'pretending' to be something they are not, pretending to want something they really don't, and pretending to have a desire for this life which is in fact just based on having kinky sex, why do people think they can play with others feelings and emotions and get away with it ? Why do people think that they can do or say what they like and it does not bother them ?
Guess its back to the drawing board, i know there is a person out there that wants a poly relationship with Master and He deserves to find that person, and when He does then they will have their biggest supporter in me - provided they are real

Kitten Thoughts and Feelings

2010-05-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

I know its been awhile since i last posted, so much has happened and to be honest the time has flown by.
Padrone took me to a Bon Jovi concert, it was amazing and i can honestly say that i feel in love with another man - Jon !!
We are moving deeper into BDSM play, i am now a firm fan of needles, lol to the extent that i don't want them removed and so He allows me to wear them daily, He places them in me and then leaves them there for hours at a time, i love them and the next thing He is going to do is knife play, the thought of trusting Him enough to cut me is heady, its something i never thought i would ever crave but now i find i am begging for it, i or rather we are going into more extreme and He is pushing my limits to the stage they are crumbling at His feet.
Talking about feet, i have found that that is where i love to sit, we don't have to talk, i just feel better when i am at His feet, i sleep on the floor by Him while He is working and it just feels right * ok that sounds stupid but it just feels as if i belong there * i sleep easier and i feel safer - i know its all in the mind but honestly is that not where a lot of a slaves behaviour comes from - her mind ?
My health is still being a problem, i hate that things are still not right and so i try to block it out, i hate talking to Him about it, and that has been the one main bone of contention between us, He insists on being with me for the next procedure and i just want to go on my own, but He also knows me well enough to know i would proberbly not have it done, hhmmm sometimes a Master knows His slave too well !!
Life is a funny thing, it happens whether you want it to or not, i have a full - sometimes over full - life and there are times i struggle with what i am, it seems that there are times there is just not enough of me to go around, yet when i lay in His arms at night when things get to much for me, or i am laying on the floor by His feet i know i am home, i am where i need to be.

One Year On

2010-04-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

Well i have been here a year now, been Padrones property real time for exactly a year and in that time there has been a lot of changes.
I have seen people come and go, some i miss and some not as much. I have watched Him battle with His desicion about this lifestyle when He got involved with a vanilla person, wached the heartache He faced when she gave Him a choice, her or this life, He chose the life and i pray its not something He will ever regret. I have struggled and fought my way through some bad moments, some times when i wondered what the hell i was thinking of to give up everything for a dream, a 'fantasy' yet through it all we remained consistant and strong, the arguments not lasting long and each one giving us a clearer understanding of each other.
This life is not an easy one but it is a full one, it can and is great when it works, yet like all lifestyles it takes work and trust, faith and commitment and you can weather the storms, you can survive all that is thrown at you, you just need to know that this is what you both need/desire/want.
All too often you see this life depicted in a series of sex pictures, lol if only that was true, but its not, its about being committed, having trust, faith, hope, dreams,desires, needs, wants, and doing the dishes !!
If this is the life you truely want then i will support you, help you, guide you and encourage you - if this is a game to you then i will wish you well and hope you have fun. Everyone seeks different things from this lifestyle, for me it was an all or nothing deal, and i have it all and am so very happy

2010-04-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

Why Do People Have Cyber Courage ?

2010-03-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

The other day i was talking to a friend and they asked me what i had done - i was confused. Done ? in what way ? What was she talking about ? Well it seems a 'mutal' friend had displayed cyber courage once more and written about certain things, in a veiled way of course and with inferred references instead of actually coming out and saying anything but those who know me and that person both know who she was reffering to.
What really surprised me was this person approached me and started talking to me, not the other way around, and this same person spent 40 minutes bad mouthing her former Master and blaming everything on Him and others but never themselves, in their minds they are totally blameless.
Not once in that whole 40 minutes did this person ask after my health, even knowing that i have been having tests for cancer, not once did the conversation go to anything except herself and her woes etc etc yet she posts she cannot talk to me !!!
I am really surprised at how different people view the same conversation and said as much to my Master, i will admit i was pissed, furious in fact as this person has cyber courage yet when talking to me is all sweetness and light, the two facedness is something i find really hard ti understand.
I know we are all self serving at times but come on, show some respect for others, if you have something to say at least have the courage of your beliefs and tell them to their face, i so wanted to go to this other person and tel them a few home truths, clear the air but i was forbidden to do so, and so i ended up having an agrument with Master which i am sure if they had known would have pleased them !
I know there are times i am opinionated and i shoot from the hip, if people do not like what i have to say that is fine, it is my view or opinion and if you ask me something i will tell you and not lie to you unlike some will, i am confident in my self and my position with my Master that i do not need validation from others yet i am still human and if attacked i will strike back when pushed into a corner, if you don't like that then i suggest you either talk to me and bitch and moan at me or you keep quiet, posting stuff across the internet only makes you look stupid * as this is proberbly making me look right now but i am fed up with people thinking they can take pot shots at me for no reason*
Cyber courage is a wonderful thing, it makes a person look pathetic, and from what i was told * i refuse to read what was written as then i really would be feeding into their delusions* this was a cyber post which achieved nothing except to make them look petty

I am Submissive

2010-03-16T04:56:00.000-07:00

I am submissive, i am an owned slave, i live 24/7 with my Master in a TPE relationship.
No matter what social site i am on the above sentance forms part of my profile, it is who and what i am, that does not change. So why then do 'new' people who interact with Master seem to think i am going to 'Dom' them as well ? To me it just shows the total lack of understanding of what a submissive is. I have no desire to be a switch, its not in my make up, i am submissive to my Master and i do as i am told sexually but at the same time He knows that i am not one to swop from being a sub to a dom just because some fruit loop online has desires to e 'taken' by a man and woman together.
All too often i see online people talk about how they want to be used and abused, monkey sex 24/7 and be dominated sexually, often times they get with a Master who already has a slave and seem to think that their wants and needs are the only thing that the Master is going to fulfill, to the point of Him telling those He already owns to do what the new one wants because she is new and learning. This is not how things should be, well in my opinion any way and as i am the one writing this its my opinion that counts.
A Master has an obligation to those He owns to make sure all her needs and desires are also being fulfilled, telling her to crawl around on all fours and bark does not make her a dog the same as telling her to take a flogger to a new one does not make her a switch, if she has no desire to do this and she finds it hard to actually comprehend then why would she be told to do something that goes against the grain of her very being ?
All too often when a new one comes along the facination of a new pussy, the golden hole is very strong for a Master and He seems to block out everything and everyone else out, this can and does cause damage to those already part of the 'family'. While i understand the need to spend more time with the new one to teach her and mentor her a good Master should also realise that the chances of her actually being 'real' and interested in this way of life are very slim once the initial sex fest has worn off, and if He is not careful then He will have caused irrepairable damage to the existing real slave He owns (owned). And to be fair its not always His fault, new ones coming into an existing relationship often feel they have to manipulate and monopolize the Masters time and attention because they feel inferior - this again leads to Him ignoring the basic needs of those already under His control.
A lot is said about subs and slaves not being able to handle poly and the arguments and jealousy that results from it but in my honest opinion not all Masters/Doms can handle it either, they do not understand that while they might be having fun with the new one all the time they are failing to attend to the others in the family, and that is where the problems start.
To be poly takes a certain quality in a person and that goes for ALL involved whether its a sub/slave or Master/Dom, there ae certain things that should not be overlooked as when things go pear shaped many will find themselves all alone with nowhere to turn.

Finally Back

2010-03-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

Well i survived, after a week away from home for personal reasons i am back and i will be the first to admit i am glad. It seems that in less than a year this is now home to me, its where i want to be in my life and for good or bad the week apart from Master has had its good points and its bad.

I am in a way glad for the separation, it has helped bring us to a place where we need to be, all to often things go 'stale' and a slave gets taken for granted, if they are always there then how can a Master really appreciate all that they do for them ? The same goes for a Master, if He is constantly looking out for His property then how can she know what to do when He is not there ?

There has been a lot going on in our lives this past month and that has added to stress on both parties, hell my face tells its own tale with my eyes being nearly swollen shut with stress related sties and its been painful to say the least. There comes a time when you need to step away, take a backward step to figure out where the hell you are going and the reasons why, i know i have hadmore than a few of those moment this past month and no matter how much Master says it will all be ok and things will be fine i could not see the wood for the trees surrounding me and that scared me, would it be ok ? would things be better than they have been this past few months ? is this really what Master wants or needs in His life ? So many questions and me without an answer to any of them, just having to cope as best i can and pray things work out so He is happy and if they do then at what cost to me and my happiness ?

Sometimes stepping back is the only option and sometimes it seems there is no way forward but with faith and trust in your Master you carry on and pray that things are this way now for the eventual better outcome, are things different now ? have they improved ? will there be happiness for all involved ? i don't really know at the moment all i can do is wait and hope

Stand

2010-02-23T05:33:00.000-08:00

I have just finished reading a book called The Freedom Writers Diary and it is an inspirational book with so much inside it but one thing that 'spoke' to me is a poem one of the teenagers wrote to read to the then Secetary of Education Richard Riley .................

Stand

Stay Black
Stay Proud
Stay White
Stay Proud
Stay Brown
Stay Proud
Stay Yellow
Stay Proud

Don't be afraid to be what you are
'cause all you can be is you
You'll never be anything else but you,
So be the best you,you can be
Keep it real
By all means
at all times

Whether a lawyer, a doctor, a football player,
A toilet cleaner, a garbage handler, a panhandler -
Keep it real
And still ---
Be the best you can be

Have pride, have dignity, stand
Stand proud, talk proud, act proud, be proud!

Don't lay down
back down
bow down
run away
sell out yourself, sell into criticism

Be real and realise that the ones who criticize,
best recognize that you are you -
take it or leave it .

"MMM HMM"
I knew you'd get it.
Get what ?
The stuff -
the stuff called pride, that attitude, that aura,
your identity, your self, your pride, peace of mind,
worry free.

See I can't be you, but I'm a damn good ME !

Life Changes

2010-02-22T17:42:00.001-08:00

I wrote this last year, just a few short weeks after i arrived here to be with Master.....

There
are many things that kitten thinks of when she thinks of Master, He is
strong, has a body to die for, He is successful in His chosen field, He
is kittens rock when she is scared * been a few of those times* and He
is someone you can rely on to tell you the truth no matter what is
asked of Him, in all He is someone that a person, not just a slave, can
depend on BUT and this might get kitten a few bloody pillows, the one
thing He never fails to do is make kitten smile and laugh.

The other night, one of
the cats * and he knows which one he is, have no doubt kitten had stern
words with him * decided to bring a playmate home. Now for those who
are not aware, kitten is now in Florida, and this is the land of
geikos, snakes and countless other things that either crawl or slither
across the floor it seems and the cat decided it was going to bring one
in, not dead as he rarely kills them. Kitten went into the kitchen to
get Master a drink, and the new playmate ran out from under the
fridge, kitten did what any self respecting kitten would do, a
screaming dance that would rivel those on the TV !

Well kittens scream
brought Master running, think He thought kitten was being murdered, and
there ensued a scene that kitten can only describe as worthy of a
comedy show ! Picture the scene, kitten screaming and running outside,
standing on a bench so it can’t get her * found out afterwards the
bloody things can climb* and a naked Master chasing this thing
around the room with a broom, then in comes the cat, who showed total
disinterest in the scene happening in the kitchen and proceeded to
climb on the nightstand and fall asleep.

Why is kitten posting this you might ask, well for three reasons

1 – To show that no matter what the problem is, a Master will come if you scream

2- A Master is a complex person but a person none the less and will provide safety when He is able

And

3 – It was so bloody funny

The reason i posted this is to show how things change in a year, now we have a gecko living in the house with us, another playmate the cat brought in and got bored with so it hid out under the telly where it now lives, to the extent Master has taken to leaving it bits of celery and lettuce so it has a balanced diet !!!! and yeap we still have the two cats and they totally ignore it !

When i first got here i was one of two slaves Master owned, now i am the only one, during the year we have had a few come to visit and stay with us but not to actually live but we are still hopeful that someone real will come along who wants to be part of our poly family.

I have been with Master a year real time now and apart from some health issues i have been busy, i work full time yet still do the houshold chores and all the shopping, we walk approximatly 2 to 3 miles a day and play tennis 2 to 3 times a week as well, i have felled 4 trees and laid a driveway, learnt to drive on the wrong side of the road and can find my way around the town * based on what shops i have to drive past but lol as a map system it works *

So many changes in my life, so many twists and turns but through them all i have remained faithful to Master and He has protected me and guided me to where i am today. I am kitten no more no less, i am me and that is enough for Master

Another Day

2010-02-18T07:46:00.000-08:00

Well i survived, the news while not great was not the worst case senario so i live to fight another day. There are three stages of cell abnormalities it seems - stage 3 being cancer and i have stage 1 so more surgery is in the cards for me it seems. It could be worse though so i am thankful for the small mercies and for the support and strength i have recieved from Master and my friends, that has really meant so much to me, having been through something like this before but for a family member i know first hand what can happen and i will admit i was scared.

On the bright side i am looking forward to all the new things Master has planned, He has so many things that He wants to do/learn/experience i am sure this year is going to be a whirlwind of fun and laughter, lol one of the first things is we are going to learn archery !!! not sure why but i am sure it will be fun, after that its on to the next thing.

Another thing He has planned is meeting a few people that we have been talking to, one couple is coming here and we are going to visit another couple, and lol some of the things Master and this other Master have planned for me and His one is making me tingle thinking about it !!!

I have been really busy today, made a lovely double chocolate birthday cake for Master, it seems i am not the only one with a sweet tooth ! i have wrapped His gifts and i just have to run out this afternoon and collect the last one that has been ordered and then i am all set.

This is my year, this is the year that Master and i can move forward and upwards, to really live life as its meant to be, something to enjoy.

Learning to Lean on Master

2010-02-17T10:09:00.001-08:00

Well today's the day, today i find out if i have got the best or worst diagnosis, and i will admit i am scared but it will be what it is and like all things i will deal with it as i need to if the worst is true.
Its strange but having been one to deal with things on my own for so long i am having a hard time letting Master help me, lol very hard ! We have had more than a few words about it but the up shot is He over ruled me and is coming with me to find out the results. In one way i am relieved but in another way i am not, i hate leaning on Him because i know He has enough on His plate without me whining about my health, and if it was something minor then i would not even bother telling Him but this is something i tried to play down but unfortunately the call came about more tests and biopsy's being needed when He was there so that wasn't an option ( i am sure He worked for the Gestapo in a previous life as His interrogation techniques are amazing)
This morning resulted in another 'discussion', another one where i lost i might add and so it is with His support i will find out what is wrong and what happens now, hhhmmm and that i am really not looking forward to.
I have positive thoughts, it will all be ok and then we can move forward to bigger and better things, this is just a blip in the grand scheme of things and we are closer for it and wiser for it as well, things are now in perspective, little things no longer worry me, things said or done are no longer of any importance. Once we get today over with we can finalize plans to meet more local people who are into the same thing Master and i are, we have a few we have been in contact with who are eager to meet and there is a few who we are still in the talking to stage who seem real and want to meet, who knows maybe some new friendships will come out of it, if not then some serious playtimes are on the horizon for us both !!!
It takes a major event to make you appreciate the things you have in life, and even though i have only been real time with Master for just under a year He has proven Himself to me over and over in His support and belief in me, add to that my real friends who have supported me through this and i am a really lucky slave.

The Past Is Catching Me

2010-02-14T04:26:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice how the past has a way of catching up with you ? The when things seem to be going well along it comes to throw a spanner in the works ? Well its happening to me right now and i am not sure how to deal with it.
I had a phone call the other day and it was from my ex - it seems he wants me back. Now that in itself was strange enough but his whole manner and how he was speaking to me really threw me, he was pleasent, mild mannered, enquiring about me and my health * neither him or the children know about my ongoing drama with my health and the tests/biopsys as i didn't think it was fair to burden the kids with that * He wanted to know what i was up to and how i was fairing, was i happy, did i regret leaving the kids, my job and family and friends.
He was dropping very subtle hints and first and when i didn't repsond in the way he wanted he came right out and told me he thought it was time to end this nonsense and come home, he would make sure i was ok and he would look after me. Eeeeeeeerrrrr no thank you, i have been there and done that and it was not nice !!!
Now i will be the first to say that my life here is not perfect, i am really happy with Master, i could not wish for a better man, He is firm but fair, which i need, He is funny, loves to play about * hhmmm He now has this thing with the ice packs which well lets just say ..... damn they are cold * He is loving and seems to know when i need a hug and thats a bonus cos i will never ask for one but there are times unknown to me that i need one and He is SEXY !! He has drive and ambition and finally He is an all round good guy.
But and heres the thing, i miss my family and my kids, i miss my old job and i miss my friends, lol i miss the shops and the food brands * hence why i now weight 130lbs instead of 180lbs * Damn it i even miss the dog and she drove me mad ! I can't say i miss the weather cos its freezing here but i do miss the closeness of things around me. Sometimes i could sit and cry at the sense of loss i feel but then Master says something or looks at me with that twinkle in His eye and i know i made the right decision and all feeling of remorse is thrown out of the window.
I guess i am feeling sorry for myself, i am getting closer to a day i am scared of, its my daughters and my sisters birthday on wednesday, a day of celebration but its also the day i get my biopsy results and thats scary, its also a day i take a test to see if i can get another part time job so i can help more with the finances as Master has some really good ideas which He is looking into and i would love to see them come about.
I know that ex will try to speak to me on wednesday, he knows how emotional i get on the kids birthday, was his call just a paving of the way to try to wear me down ? Who knows, i might be wrong as i haven't told Master yet about the conversation with ex but He is dealing with issues and people of His own and i will not add to His burden.
Sometimes life is a strange thing, the unexpected hits you when you least expect it, i just know i have to stay strong and take the days as they come, wednesday will be my D day in more ways than one i fear.

Morning Ramblings

2010-02-10T03:33:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in my life this past two weeks that i am struggling to keep all the negative thoughts from my head, and its hard and not really working to be honest. I have tried to take each day as it comes, looking for the good in it and the good in my life but sometimes its not easy.
I am still trying to deal with this eternal tiredness, i think its my way of shutting things out, of not letting them get to me, closing my eyes and my mind to all that is going on around me through the power of sleep * or in my case near unconsiousness * I know that is not fair to Master but most of the time He is busy so does not notice anyway so its not as if i am failing Him in my duty as His slave.
I am now finally used to not being able to sit on the furniture, i automatically sit on the floor now as is His wish and after a few mishaps getting up * lol its not easy trying to stand when you have your hands cuffed, your balance is way off * i think i might have got the hang of it, so god knows what is next, He is using subtle ways to break my independant streak.
I know this is a sort of blahhhhh post but i will be honest in that the things happening in my life are personal at the moment and not something i feel i can share just yet, next week i will and then maybe people will understand but at the moment i need to just get through each day as best i can, putting all things behind me for another day until i have some sort of answer to a lot of the things in my mind.

Rambling Thoughts

2010-02-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

I sit here most days wondering what to write, indeed if i should write at all as really what does it achieve ? Well for me this is a place to put down a watered version of my journal, some of the more generic thoughts and ideas i have whether its refurring to basic life or the new things Master want to try play wise - and He has some GREAT ideas which i am really excited about.

I have heard many times how people are scared of needles and how they spend hours before a blood test moaning and groaning about it but this is something that does not bother me so when Master said He wanted to experiment on me with needles i was all for it - lol i am not stupid, i know that He will ensure i am safe but at the same time He will cater to that pain slut side of me.

He has so many ideas and thoughts about play, the garage is being turned into a play room, He has already made a version of a cross which i get chained to when He wants to use the whip, and the swing He can get from the 6ft whip is WWWOOOWWW !! He is also planning to suspend some chains from the rafters to hang me from, even the though of that makes me ache with desire.

As for the medical issues, well i still have a week to wait for those to come back, and added to all the rest of the stuff going on in my life that is really one thing i could do without, not only me but Master as well 'cos even though He tries to be positive for me He is worried about my health and so is sis, they both 'mother' me in their own ways and for that i love them.

Sometimes things pile up one after the other and it seems that is what is happening right now, we try to be supportive when we can and help and be sympathetic to others but at other times you feel like screaming at them and saying "If only you had half the trouble that i have then you can say something " but as usual we stay quiet and provide that shoulder for others to lean on. One of the thing that comes to mind is my daughter, i feel for her, i know all she is going through and so i listen and am sympathetic, i support her and am there for her, yet deep inside i want to tell her what i am going through but i won't as its not her problem to bear, she is so caught up in herself that she is almost blinded to anything else and i do understand her feelings, what she is experiencing is new and wonderful to her so i am happy for her and will not burden her.

Sometimes life catches up with you and you have no choice but to weather the storms and pray you make it through the other side.

A Slave in the Vanilla World

2010-02-08T03:41:00.000-08:00

How many times do you hear that we live an 'Alternative Lifesstyle' ? That we are not vanilla ?

Well i am kitten, i am Masters slave, yet i live in a vanilla world.

Confused ? Well let me try to explain my thoughts on this.

Last night i was talking to someone online and they said that they had a submissive streak, that they had always been submissive and they longed to be able to live their life as a slave. When i asked what has drawn her to this lifestyle her answer was as followed

" I want to be used as a fck toy, to please His every whim. I want to be taken forcably and tied up, i want to be whipped and spanked. I dream of a Master using me as His plaything and not being able to resist Him."

HHhhmm this is great, a sub in the making it seems but a slave ? Hell even a sub in the sense of the word as i understand it ? A sex sub maye, used only for sexual play and nothing more, but a slave ? Not as i understand it to mean.

Where was the mention of making His life easier ? Where is the need to cook and clean for Him ? Go to work so that you are not a financial drain on Him ? Where was the yearning to make sure He was always looking smart in freshly laundered clothes ? What about the shopping and other mindless daily task a person has to do ?

When i mentioned this to her i drew a blank, she didn't understand what i was talking about and could not comprehend that a slave is expected to do these jobs as well. A slave is there for her Masters convinience and as such is supposed to make His life easier.

In a fairytale life a slave would have a servent, we would all be walking around naked waiting to be able to please our Masters with our bodies, waiting to scratch what ever itch He has at that time. Waiting to be used by Him. Waiting to be able to bring a smile to His face as He fcks us senseless. The servent would do all the other stuff.

In our house i am the servent, i am the gardner, i am the cook, i am the cleaner, i am the window cleaner, i am the shopper, i am the laundry worker, i am the job holder, i am the caretaker, i am the sounding board for His thoughts and problems. I am a slave, His slave and i do this all willingly and to the best of my ability and with the minimum of fuss and arguments, i do this because i am in a alternative lifestyle but it is still a life.

I do understand where people get the thought that when they submit to someone it will be all sunshine and roses, that they will be cared for and looked after, all desicions and problems will disappear and their lives will by some miricle be perfect but its not like that at all.

All too often people see the pictures online and think that is all there is to this life, the willingness to be dominated during sex makes them a slave, to have monkey sex all the time is all both parties are looking for and unfortunatly sometimes when you talk to a new person that is all they see this life as.

I am a slave in a vanilla lifestyle at least 80% of the time, i have rules and boundries i have to adhere to and i have rituals i have to observe, i cannot sit on the furniture without permission, i cannot just go out when i please, my time is not mine but His to dictate. I ask what clothes to wear when we go out and i get permission to cut my hair or shave His pussy * which is usually denied * Little things people do automatically i have to stop and think before i do them. I work fulltime and am usually gone from the house till 9.30 but i make sure His evening meal is ready for Him before i go and when i return i carry on where i left off, making sure He has all He needs. This is the life of a slave, not the one you see online in the pictures, but real life. Yes we play and we play hard but that is just a very small part of being a slave, most of the time we live life just like everyone else on this planet does.

This Life As Seen From A 24/7 Viewpoint

2010-02-07T04:48:00.000-08:00

I know many people think i am hard on online relationships or part time submission but i think it is with good reason at times. I have been witness to many who think they want this life both real time and online but they want it under their terms, they want to decide what they will do and when and that is something i struggle to understand.

Many people see this as a way to add some kink into their lives, all the pictures online are sex based and people seem to assume that this is what it is. From experience i have know of someone who would shower at 2pm every afternoon while she was visiting her Master for the first time, do her hair and make up and then wait on His bed for His return, her idea of 'serving' Him was having sex every day, being tied up and flogged/beaten etc but with no thought of cleaning,cooking,ironing etc - is this really service ?

I also have been witness to others who have been online but again if the conversation is not going their way they simply sign off and leave, thus dictating their own terms of conversation - again is this really submission ? I know from experience that Master might not talk to me for hours at a time if He is busy, i work all afternoon/evening until 9.30 most days so the time i get to spend with Him is precious to me but again it is not my choice if He converses with me, He might be busy with another or out with another, that is something i have no say in and so i wait until He is ready or able to spend time with me, that is how it is and how it should be, Do i like it ? not always but it is not my choice to dictate when or if He talks to me.

I know people think that this M/ or D/s stuff is all about being used as a fck toy and lol i sometimes wish it was but its not, sex is a bonus not a right and if there is some kink thrown in then that is another bonus. This is a lifestyle, it is something real people do every day, we have the same jobs to do as everyone else, we still have all the normal everyday chores that need to be done, the difference is we make sure they are done because it makes Masters life easier. I would not dream of asking Him to do the dishes. I have had 2 procedures done in the past two weeks, both knocking me off my feet yet still i got up to cook Masters evening meal, why ? because that is what a slave does - simple as that, its my job as Masters slave to make His life easier. I have no time to be ill because that does not get the chores/tasks done.

Sometimes people need to look at their lives and what they think is lacking in them and really understand what they hope to get from this lifestyle because its still life, and that does not change whether you are vanilla,kinky,M/s or D/s, all that changes is the degree of what you are expected to serve another.

Making Comparisons

2010-02-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

Did you know there are over 500 blogs in blog land about this lifestyle ? Now what that means is that there are over 500 different points of view about this lifestyle, over 500 different people giving their opinions and take on any given situation. That does not include the ones that are mainly sex based, this is just the ones who write about their lives as Masters/Doms subs or slaves.

Now take a look at all your real time lifestyle friends, they also have views and opinions on how this life should be. Most of them are in relationships so they 'know' what this life is all about.

Now look at your relationship - where does it fit in to this ? Do they have children ? Are they married to each other ? Hell married to other people ? Are they in a poly or monogamous relationship ? Are you more or less than someone else ? Is their life better or worse ? Do they have more or less interactions with their owners ? Are they getting monkey sex 24/7 and your not ? Do they have more rules than you ? Are they pain sluts or do they not like pain ?

Sometimes looking at others relationships and what they have is the wrong thing to do, you are only privy to certain aspects of their lives, the bits they WANT you know about but all too often you don't get to hear about the self doubt, the arguments, the fears and insecurities that they face. You don't get to hear about their everyday lives, the cooking, cleaning,washing, ironing etc. You just get to hear about the bits they want to tell you.

When looking at others lives and comparing them we are often left with a sense of jealousy, we ask why they are living the life we want, why they are having the life we crave and then we look at our lives and if you are honest you are left with a feeling of lose, we want more, we want what we THINK others have.

But do they really have it all ? Is their life really all that much more than ours ? Are they reading the words of others and thinking the same thing ? Is their life honestly so perfect that they are living it in nirvana where everything is sunshine and roses ?

The trouble with reading or listening to others views on this life is that it is something that works for them - that does not mean it is right for us. I am a slave, i am a pain slut, so reading or listening to a sub who is not into pain is not something that would be right for me. The same goes for listening to a sub/slave who has no children, how would they be able to relate to some of the things that happen in my life ? How can someone who is only online and never been real time be relevant to what i am experiencing ? A sub/slave who is in a monogamous marriage/relationship will have different points of view and issues than i do being in a poly relationship.

There is a saying that the grass is always greener on the other side but unfortunately to get to that greener grass you need to know what path to take. Each relationship is individual, the highs and lows experienced within that are relevant only to you, there is no two exactly the same and while you can look at things from a distance and dream of what they have you will never know exactly if your dreams and their realities are actually the same.

Take a look at YOUR life and see what it contains - you might be surprised at just how many others envy YOU for what they think you have that their life is lacking. Be grateful for your life and all it contains, you will never really know if it is more or less than anyone else

On The Same Wavelength

2010-02-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a bad day for me, i will not go into details as those important to me know them but it made me ask something from Master that i have not even thought about in so long - i told Him that what i was going through was not fair to Him and i fully understood if He wanted to release me, i tried to explain that my 'problems' were not something He could ever have anticipated and as such they were not fair to Him and how He wants to live His life. He refused.

After much talking and honesty between us i am finally now at that place i had only hoped for previously, i am fully His slave now. The timing of this is ironic because of the things i am - no WE are going through but in one way i think it had to be this way, i needed events to happen so i could fully allow myself to be His in all ways.

I am to be taken deeper into submission, He is going to be harder,and more consistent with me, i am to ask for more things than i previously had to - even sitting on the furniture is not my right any more, i have to ask. I have certain chores i must do daily and there is no excuse not to do them, little things that previously i would either do or not do depending on what i had planned, now my day is not mine to plan but all chores/tasks/jobs are to be approved by Him the previous night. We know that sometimes unexpected things happen and its not always possible to stick to the routine but i am expected to stick to it as much as possible - at least until He is satisfied that i am learning the lessons He is teaching.

He wants more extreme M/s and He feels that now i am finally ready to take that step and so do i, it scares me and yet i am excited. I do not need my life micro managed but i can feel His power over me more and more as the days move forward, i am falling deeper into what He wants me to be.

I am finally able to say with the utmost conviction - I am kitten, i am Masters slave and i am here because He has allowed it

Control

2010-02-03T05:02:00.000-08:00

Last night was one of those ' Can't sleep past 3am ' nights and i was walking the block around the house at 4am and thinking and reflecting on myself, my life and my service to Master, trying to get things into perspective and my mind into that place i need. I am the type of person who needs control and structure in her life. I need to know what i am doing and where i am going to feel truly comfortable. Master understands this in me and is trying to provide that for me, little things go a long way to making me feel safe and secure, the wearing of handcuffs while i am at home and when i take my morning walks help me to remember who and what i am.

I hear many people say that they never forget that they are a sub/slave, that they live to serve their Master and i can relate to that but at the same time things happen whether at home or work that make me step back from being 'submissive' and more of an independent person, does this then make me not submissive really ? I have so many questions that race through my mind at times, its true what Master says, no one should venture into my mind with out having a safety line attached !!

I need Master to be my Master, i yearn for the control and the dominance but at the same time i fight it, resist it as i have been independent for so long that while the need to serve Him is strong there are time i fight against Him and His power, this is when i need Him the most, to re adjust my mind and my thinking, to reaffirm who and what i am and to finally punish me if that is what is needed. Just as Master needs to live His life as a Master i need to live my life as His slave.

While i don't want Master to 'micro manage' every detail of my life, *He loves the fact i show initiative and common sense, that i only have to be told something to actually do it, often times doing it on my own and coming to Him with the finished results* i do need Him to give me direction and a sense of purpose. The handcuffs for example, i wear them to feel His control while He is not around and even when He is around but i find myself sometimes not putting them on, waiting for Him to ask why, yet i need them so why am i resisting them ?

Master is learning about me as much as i am learning about Him, He is understanding what i need to take my submission deeper and further than i have before, He is showing me my 'power' as His slave and letting me explore all that it means to us both. Each day i fall deeper into submission and that is something i cannot explain, it is exciting,exhilarating and i am so scared at times by it. Each day He exerts His control over me a bit more, subtle ways that show His power over me and i am powerless to resist Him.

Control starts in the mind, it is the most powerful organ of the body and once your mindset is where it needs to be the rest seems to fall into place. There are times that my mind wanders and that Master is learning the signs for. I need to work on my communication with Him more, to let Him know when i am upset/angry/pissed off or just lost He says as He is not a mind reader and cannot help me if i am not willing to let Him.

Am i submissive ? Yes Am i a slave ? Yes - I am Masters slave and all that entails

Online Fantasies

2010-01-30T04:06:00.000-08:00

I read so much about how this life is different to a 'vanilla' life and how so many people crave to life this way and i will be the first to admit i am one of those people who has a vast mistrust of online subs/slaves Doms and Masters, having been 'bitten' a few times by people playing games my faith in those online has hit rock bottom and it takes a lot for me to actually believe what is being said.

I met my Master online and He would be the first to tell you how hard it was to get me to have faith,trust and belief in Him and in some ways its still that way, not with Him but with others He deals with.

I see so many times people saying this is the life they crave and want to live and then over time they try to manipulate things so that it is how THEY want it, the picket fence and candle lite dinner but as an added bonus some kinky sex thrown in as well. I do understand that some people are in a relationship that isn't what they want but i cannot understand why they are still in that relationship if it is that bad, surely it would be best for people who want to live this lifestyle and are currently in a vanilla relationship to actually leave that relationship BEFORE they start to seek the promised land ?

This lifestyle is not that much different from a vanilla one, we still get to cook and clean and go to work, we still get to have fun and do the things everyone else does, the main difference is the exchange of power, a sub or slave has less rights and say in how things are unless asked her opinion or view on something, and even then its no guarantee that it will be listened to. Even the promise of lots and lots of kinky sex isn't true, sex is a bonus not a right and i should imagine from reading some of the blogs out there, a lot of people have sex no more or less frequently than anyone else does - lol and not all of it is kinky either !!!

I think people need to look long and hard at what they are REALLY looking for in this lifestyle, what is it that attracts them to it and once they have that answer they need to look at their life NOW and what is missing from it, its easy to want something you don't have but when you get it, it is not what you thought it was in the first place. I find that those who are 'dabbling' with this online are doing so because they are bored, they want something extra and this seems to be the perfect spice to zest up their lives but what they fail to realize is that they are affecting other peoples lives and that is when things stop being a game.

Everyone can say this is the life they have always needed to live and this is what they dream of but if thats the case why are they still in a relationship that bores them, that is going no where and has no appeal to them? I don't know, maybe i am so jaded by all the things i see online, the games and the pretenses, all the people who say they are something and it turns out they are not that i am too distrustful but if thats the case then ok i will admit that, but i am the one who is not going to get hurt anymore, because regardless of how much you try not to each time an online person disappoints you or hurts you a little bit more of your faith is chipped away till you really have none left

Blog Posts

2010-01-27T03:21:00.000-08:00

Sitting here this morning the words seem to flow from me, the need to write them down and say EXACTLY what i think and feel about certain situations is so strong but i will not write them here, i will not air my 'laundry' in public out of respect for Master and respect for myself so instead i write them in my journal, that place i have for all things personal to me.

This made me think about things and made me wonder when or rather where do people write things ? Do others really want to know what i had for lunch ? Or about my fear of hospitals ? or even whether Master and i fcked last night or just had an argument ?

I read so many blogs and i am amazed at the content of some of them, they seem to be 'Master Bashing' in one post then declaring undying love in another, or they can be giving knitting advice in some yet moaning that they have lost their libido the very next day. Add to those ones who declare a certain act is a hard limit yet two months later that is all they can talk about and you have a very mixed bag of blogs, with one thing in common - they all profess to be BDSM blogs and are in this 'lifestyle' Hell no wonder so many new people get confused, i am not new and i am confused !!

Blogs are something everyone * myself included i think * imagine they are good at writing, we are 'letting the world know' what we think they want to know about us but really who gives a damn ? Those important people who you feel should know what is going on in your life will know already because if they were important you would have told them. And what about the people you write about, have you told them your thoughts and feelings ? Whether they are good or bad, have you said what you are writing to them ? Why not ? I know a certain few people have problems with me yet not once have they been 'man enough' to actually say something to me - instead they hide behind words on a screen and think that is ok - WRONG, that is not a strong persons way, it is a cowards way.

Out of respect for myself i will not post the goings on in my life that can affect Master or me, i will post general things and thoughts, that kinda stuff that does not come back to bite you on the ass sort of things, because once something is written and that 'publish' button is pressed you cannot retract those words even if you delete the post, it will have been read and someone somewhere will have seen it and stored it at the back of their minds for future reference.

Be careful what you write in a blog, it might not have the desired effect

Fear

2010-01-26T04:07:00.000-08:00

THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT FEAR ITSELF

This is so true, i 'survived' the first round at the hospital yesterday and am still around to tell the tale, i am hurting and tender but so far so good.

Master really doesn't trust me i concluded yesterday, i was hoping He would just drop me at the door and return for me later, i had it all planned but nope - He came in with me *@#$#@#$%^%$

Entering the hospital there was a seating area where we had to wait, right near an exit, hhhmmm now if only i could get Him to leave i would be out that exit so fast their heads would spin, i think Master is a mind reader cos He held my hand and just shook His head * insert swear word here* He stayed with me till i went into that room with no exit, they see you entering and boy are they not letting you out again till they are ready ! He said He would be there when i called and with a hug and a kiss He left me, the temptation to follow Him and beg Him to take me with Him was so strong, i didn't want to be here, there was a mistake and everything was ok now so please open the door and let me out.

Once i was in the ward there were people fussing over me constantly, that scared the bejeezus out of me, not being left alone to gather my thoughts, to contain my fear and when one of them stupidly asked if i was staying the night i was off that bed in a flash, nope not me, i am going home or am not staying its that simple !!

I was taken to the theater earlier than planned * guess they thought i might still make a run for the door and to be honest if the opportunity had arose i would have !* and i was back in recovery in what seemed like no time at all but was actually a couple of hours later, they tell me my first words were to call Master so i could go home and where was the coffee they promised me !!!

Master came and was given instructions about what to do etc and we were soon on our way, i have never been so grateful as i was yesterday to see Him, knowing that now i was safe and He would protect me and look after me. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and checking that He was still there, i hurt and my stomach is swollen so its a good job i still have a few of my old clothes that are normally too big that i can still wear.

Well this is the first step down, just got to get through next weeks and then i will be able to move forward, but i know that Master will support me no matter what the results are, lol He doesn't always seem it but He really does have the patience of a saint at times which is a great quality when you have a patient as obstinate as i am - lol there was mention of tying my to the bed last night but when He saw the glint in my eye He soon changed His mind !! * spoil sport **

Thinking Too Much

2010-01-24T04:41:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get those days when you know things are going to be wrong ? Those type of days when you wake up and you instantly can tell that there is going to be some sort of 'fall out' before the day is done ? Thats how i woke this morning and i hate it !!

I never slept much last night, too many thoughts in my head and they all seemed to mingle together. I have a fear of hospitals and i really am not looking forward to tomorrow and that is scaring me, tried to tell Master last night but unfortunately i got the " Do not let fear control you " speech, not what i wanted to hear ! * mind you He is ill so i might forgive Him for that*

My life seems to be changing so much lately and i am not sure if its a good thing or not, so many things and people now are coming into it or leaving it and for some reason i am viewed as a threat to a few of them, it is not my choice in what Master does so why do others assume that i have any influence over what He is doing and with whom ?

They say change is good but there are times when changes are needed and there are times when i want things to stay the same, that safety in familiarity is what i crave yet as with all things the world keeps turning and people keep changing and it seems that most of the time we are just along for the ride.

I know that things will all work out as they are meant to, what happens tomorrow is how things are supposed to be, the results will be as they are meant to be and the biopsy will come back clear so i can just out this behind me and move on to the next challenge that is my life. Funny how saying it and believing it are two totally different things

I Need a Spanking !!!!

2010-01-23T07:35:00.000-08:00

I need a spanking ! For no other reason than because i want one.

Master has put me on a two week spanking ban due to my having to go to the hospital and He does not want any ramifications for my having a whipped, bruised ass which while i can understand that - boy ooohhh boy do i miss the paddle !!

I have been a week now without a spanking * or a crop/flogger/whip hell without ANYTHING marking my body* and i really miss it. Its weird, when i was with my online master i never craved it or missed it as much as i do now, the feelings and sensations Master can and does give me are intense and in some ways for me a spanking is as necessary as breathing at times.

I have at least a week to go before Master even considers using anything on me and that will be the longest week of my life, but that is the minimum amount of time, depending on the operation and biopsy results it could be longer and damn it i am not looking forward to that at all !!!!

I am not a 'cuddly' person and am not one to ask to be held when things get on top of me, i am more likely to ask for a spanking than a cuddle but i am finding myself cuddling more and more because i can't have that release i so crave, Master loves that and i will be honest i am becomming more used to that idea, lol He now calls me His soppy slave ! * Dream on Batman its only temporary*

I am counting down the minutes till i can feel that deep burning sensation as the whip cuts across my back, or that sharp sting as the cane lands on me, and do not even get me started on the pleasure my body will experience when finally the paddle is laid to rest across my ass - damn it I NEED A PADDLING !!!!

The Next Step

2010-01-17T04:19:00.000-08:00

Last week i wrote about wanting to be pushed beyond my comfort levels, to be taken one step further and yesterday that happened. I was taken out of my 'safety' zone and pushed a bit further, not too far and Master stopped after a short while but DAMN it was GOOD !

I am a pain slut, i love the feeling as a crop/whip/paddle hits me and after the incident with the paddle when He broke it on my ass i thought i would not be feeling that particular enjoyment for a long time but He surprised me by buying a new one and then 'testing' it out.

The play started, i was cuffed and bent over on the bed and that first strike made me squeel in pleasure, the next katrillion * or so it felt* left me dripping wet and cumming hard with His permission but then things changed a bit and that is where i was taken further than before.

I moved as He went to strike me, not unusual but this time it earnt me a swat on the foot * i hate that* i was told to put my cuffed hands on my head but i could see Him in the mirror so everytime He went to use the crop on my tits i dropped my hands, it was instinct and not something i could help.

We were both laughing hard, me cos i knew He was going to do something and i was in such a good mood and Him because He has never had anyone laugh before while being 'beaten'. The play time was fun and lighthearted and i think that is why i could take the severity of the beatings, because He was with me and making it light hearted and fun.

The beatings continued and i continued to enjoy them until He stopped, groaning as He stopped i turned to look at Him and asked why He was not doing it anymore and He said that i had had enough - i had ?? since when ?? i wanted more, deserved more, craved more and trying to explain this to Him as i was still reeling in that special after glo place was not easy but He refused to do more.

Laying me down on the bed * even today i can't sit properly * He showed me the paddle, it was covered in blood, He had beaten my ass till it bleed, the first time that has EVER happened and i was not aware of it, hence why He stopped, i was in a place where i was having so much fun i was not aware of what was happening to me, the severity of the paddling and that is why He stopped.

After my body had 'recovered' as much as it could and my mind cleared a bit i started thinking and thanking my lucky stars for Master, He knew when to stop, when to pull back, when i had had enough and for that i am grateful because i did not. The place i go when i am enjoying something that extreme is a wonderful place and one that few actually really get to, they might think they do but in actuality it is very hard for someone to get to sub space, most of the time people think they are there because their minds are shutting down on the things they are enduring but sub space is completely different and not a place that words can easily describe.

Having trust and faith in your Master is a must when you want to explore your limits, they more often than not know your limits at that particular time better than you do * as i found out* and if they are new or uncaring damage can be caused, i thank my lucky stars for my Master because He does know me and He does care about me, and who knows - next time we will go further * He has brought a cattle prod and i can't wait for Him to use it on me ** i say me as at the moment i am the only one He plays with that likes pain**

Parts of Master

2010-01-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

I am constantly being surprised by Master, be it in His reactions to people/places/events or in His dealings with issues or circumstances that arise but never more so than i am by His playfulness.

Master has at this moment got a 'fixation' on my belly button, when we are laying in bed watching TV or reading i am always on my guard because with no warning i will find myself with a finger stuck in my belly button or His face planted on my belly to blow raspberries on it, and no amount of begging or pleading will get Him to stop !!

He loves to make me giggle and scream with laughter, whether He is tickling me, chasing me with an ice block or whispering soppy stuff in my ear He know i will end up laughing because of what He is doing/saying. His finger is often found in my ear or my belly button, His tongue licking me cos He knows i will laugh at that or else He lays cuddling me only to turn His head to breath on me * and i can't abide anyone breathing on me, not even myself - omg i get goose bumps just thinking of it * He is constantly looking for new ways to make me smile or laugh

There are times when the pressures of the day seem to be too much for me but i know when i get home that i am finally able to relax and be with the person i want to be with and who wants to be with me, we talk and tease and play and just generally have a good time in each others company which is something i feel helps to build the bond between us and strengthen it, the fact we like to be with each other.

The other week when we were at dinner with His parents i asked His mother how she survived Him and His tormenting ways, she looked at me and smiled but refused to answer, saying we all have our own ways to deal with Him !!!! * don't think He stuck His finger in her belly button somehow ! *

Life with Master is a constantly learning experience, as we move through life we are learning more and more about each other, likes and dislikes, desires and ambitions, but the main thing i am learning is that i am content with Him, we get to laugh and have fun, we get to go to new places and explore new things together, we get to experience new boundaries and with Him i get to push my limits and evolve into the person He deserves.

Master is an enigma, He is funny, sweet * but don't tell Him that* considerate, witty, serious, hard working, driven, ambitious and so much more but all of these things are a part of the whole package and i am glad to be a part of that package.

Be True To Yourself

2010-01-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

All to often we are drawn into the persona that a person projects of themselves, especially if they are ones we interact with online only. They can pretend to be whom ever they want to be, from the perfect slave who lives to serve her Master to a rocket scientist who was responsible for the latest launch, we take them at face value because we have no real way of knowing if what they are saying is true. We trust them to be honest with us as we are being honest with them.

When you have a preconceived idea of a person because of how they portray themselves online it makes things hard when you meet them in real time, the pretense is no longer able to be there, they have to be who they really are and if you spend time with them then their true nature comes out. This can and often is a shock as they are nothing remotely similar to what they have said they were.

All to often it is easy to become someone or something that you wish you were, this is apparent when a person has multiple profiles or user names on social sites, they 'swop' personalities when it suits them depending on who they are interacting with. A person can be a sub- a slave - a switch - hell just about anything they wish to be and along with that character they can also have the body of their dreams, the life that others can only envy and so much more.

To be true to yourself means that you are happy and content with WHO YOU REALLY ARE. I know my faults, i know my shortcomings and i also know my strengths and just who i am, that does not change. I go on certain sites and i am me, if you were to meet me in person i would still be the same, my body would still be slender, my hair shoulder length and my personality would be the same quirky, fun loving, loyal and faithful one it is now. I am who i am and that does not change because i am happy with who i am. I have no need to try to tell people i am everything they are hoping to be, i do not need to pretend to be something i am not.

All too often people do not like where they are in their lives and so they have to live a fantasy, this only works if you are not looking for more out of your life, if you are content to have only an online existence. I desire more, i deserve more and so i am who i am. The friends i have know and love me for being me, they are people i can count on in real time and they support me through all the times of stress and trouble as i support them.

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, who are you really ? I can ask this because the answer for my is always the same ......... i am kitten - no more - no less - just me and that is good enough for me

Belief in Yourself

2010-01-15T03:37:00.000-08:00

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

This is a great quote and one that many people should read and take to heart.

I was talking with someone the other day in a chat room and he said i had a 'healthy' opinion of myself and while i know he was teasing as we were messing about i replied that yes i do - i know my worth, i know i am someone who is worthy of being liked/loved/respected. He was a bit surprised and asked how a slave could have such a high opinion of themselves and i replied it was because i have these opinions that i know i am the best slave for my Master that i can be.

I do not need others to give me validation, i know who and what i am, and those with whom i interact know it as well, i am a great mother, i am a trusted, loyal and fun loving obedient slave to my Master, i am a valued friend and confidant, i am a hard worker with goals and ambitions, i take pride in my appearance and that of Master, all the chores are done to the best of my ability, i am tireless in helping Him achieve His dreams and desires. All this and more go to make up the person i am and that person has value and self worth and i know exactly who and what i am.

All to often people put the blame for things that happen in their lives on other people - it is never their fault that events transpire the way they have, they look at something said/written/mentioned and automatically think its about them, this just goes to show how low their self esteem is, they are looking for an 'excuse' to react and retaliate when in actual fact there is nothing to retaliate against, it is their poor self esteem making them the victim. We teach our children to believe in themselves, to have the courage of their convictions and know they are worthy people, sometimes we forget this for ourselves.

One of the most important things for anyone and not just a slave is to have self worth, no one can give this to you, you have to give it to yourself - it does not make you a vain person, it makes you a valued person.

Experience and Advice

2010-01-14T03:21:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the wonderful power of the internet it is now possible to share and learn more and more about any subject that you wish to learn about, from how to change the oil in your car to how to be a slave but the question i ask myself when i read some of the stuff that is written is ............ How much experience does the person writing the article i am reading really have ? Are they someone i could trust to give me good impartial advice ? Do they really know or are they just relating what they themselves have read elsewhere ?

One of the things i look for when i read things written about this lifestyle is can this person be trusted ...... now obviously i do not know this person so how can i determine if they are trustworthy ? Well one of the things i look for is other things they have written, are there inconsistency's in their writings, or do they say the same things when describing their 'adventures' in this life Is what they have written available or do they hide themselves behind private profiles and if the answer is yes then what are they scared/ashamed/worried about. Why should i trust someone who posts things behind a private profile ? This sends a red flag up to me because they are saying ' i am ashamed of what i have written but trust me anyway'

i am a slave, i live with my Master 24/7 and have been His for 18 months now, first online and then realtime for the past 9 months. During that time we have had our ups and downs, we have had periods of time when everything was sunshine and roses but we have also had the arguments and the adjustments that everyone has, i have had the jealousy and the fear and we have weathered the storms to get to the other side. When i write, i write from MY experience, things that i know about or that have happened in MY life, the highs and the lows and all the places inbetween but they are MY experiences and if i am asked for advice i will give my opinions or my suggestions if it is something i have knowledge about but i cannot advise on something i know nothing about. If you ask me the best way to communicate with your Master i will share what works for me but if you ask me how to change a tire you are out of luck as i do not know.

All too often people who have experienced this life online think they are now experts in this life,they give 'advice' to the new people who are looking at this as a way of life for themselves and allow them to move to realtime with false impressions on how it is going to be., They read things written and see the kinky pictures and decide that this is what they need to make their lives complete, and so they become experts in this life based on what they see or read because it seems like the answer to all their ailments. If the Master is poly that opens up a whole new kettle of fish in that there is little interaction between poly slaves online, all that is written is showing the poly life to be one of eternal sisterhood and all being friends together so when they all become real time they cannot shake the feelings of jealousy or inferiority which leads to more problems for them. None of this is 'experienced' online.

When you read posts/blogs/writing about this lifestyle please do yourself a favor, look at who is writing the things, are they someone with real experience, do they make all they write available, are they hiding behind closed profiles, can they relate what has happened to them impartially, have they lived in the real world or just online, does what they write change from post to post in terms of how happy/sad/miserable/elated they are, does their status change often from sub/slave/switch/Dom. Look at who is writing and not just what they have said, sometimes that is a better indication of how much experience someone has and whether they really should be giving advice.

Thoughts In My Head

2010-01-12T05:31:00.000-08:00

Sitting here this morning i was wondering what to write, i have filled in my journal with all the ramblings that are going on in my mind, i sometimes wonder what i would do if i did not have that place to speak-explain to myself what i am thinking and why, to try to make sense of the things that chase through my mind and confuse me or leave me scared/worried/uncertain/unsure of what is happening.

There is so much that i think about, i will be the first to admit that at times my head and my mouth do not always get along, the things i say are not always what i mean, and trying to explain the thoughts that i have or the things that i see can and often does lead to disagreements and disharmony so why do i try to explain things as i see them ? Lol that is the million dollar question at times and to be honest i really don't know.

I have a very bad habit of trying to see things from another's point of view, putting myself into their shoes and trying to explain why they might be doing what they are doing and the reasons behind it, this can and invariable does lead to me being in trouble because i defend them. The worst of this is that they will never know that i am their strongest advocate, that i can understand and sympathize with them. I care about others but do not seem to care about myself, about my feelings or needs/desires/wants except for a brief fleeting moment then i squash those thoughts as being selfish.

At the moment i am sitting here still trying to get my thoughts in order, just lately i am struggling with a ' not bothered ' attitude and that scares me, its the feelings of not caring that worry me, Master says that i am finally getting back into the slave mindset but i am not sure, for too long i have had to be independent and the one who was in charge of all things in my life and the life of my family so while this might be true i am running scared from it - i want to care, i want to be bothered, i want ........ well to be honest i am not sure what i want and that is what scares me the most.

Playing Games

2010-01-11T03:56:00.000-08:00

I never cease to be amazed at the games people play, the lengths they will go to to try to manipulate things to their own advantage and try to turn things about so they can have what they want.

All to often it is easy to blame other people/events/circumstances for what is happening in your life but when we are totally honest with ourselves and those around us we see that the blame is actually ours. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations, we want things a certain way - well just because that is how we want them and that is as far as we should need to delve into the reasons why.

I see the games being played, the things being said or done and i smile to myself initially but then i start to look at me, am i like that ? is that how i behave ? is that something that i do ?

Sometimes i can see those same traits in myself and that scares me, scares me because i don't want to be that person, i don't want to play those games but i guess its human nature to want what the other person has but when you see the whole picture, well i guess they don't have everything you imagine they do.

I see so much of the same games being played online and it has got to the stage i will not go into chat rooms or on forums anymore because i want to live my life in the here and now and not in the 'virtual' world but more and more the games that were once only played online are working their way into the real world and that is worrying to me, just because it makes it harder and harder to actually have a relationship with a 'real' person.

We all want the slice of cake that we think we deserve, we all crave what someone else has, but realistically - Do we really ? Or do we want what we THINK they have ?

One More Day

2010-01-10T03:58:00.000-08:00

I really need to shake this infection off, my kidney feels as if it is on fire and once again i spent a night burning up, lol the only good thing is its so damn cold here in Florida that i spend a lot of time outside in the early hours cooling down so i can get some sleep. I have found that when i am shaking uncontrollably because i am cold then i can sleep if only for a little while before the circle starts again and the fever gets hold of me.

Last night i slept with my cuffs on as normal and this time i had the ankle restraints on as well, they are simple yet very effective, i am comfortable wearing them, hell even had them on when we went out for dinner last night and they were a part of me, who i am,what i am, what i need to be. i know this is not making sense to many people but given the last few days and the things my head has been turning over and trying to sort out it is making sense to Master, hence why He is adding little bits of His control and His 'mark' on me. I am to wear them to work as well, this is ok as i wear trousers and no one will see them but at the same time i will feel them and know i am there because He allows it, sure beats the other option and that is me giving up work which is what He was talking about last week and that is something i really don't want to do but know if He said i had to then i would.

i was looking back and thinking about my life - i have been with Master 10 months now and so much has happened in that short time that at times it scares me. I find myself getting deeper and deeper into my submission to Him, and while we still argue at times it is not as scary as it was in the beginning. He values my opinion and input in all areas of His life and listens to me when i am confused and not certain about things. There are times that i look at my life and it scares me, how easily i have given control over to Him, how even reading a book or watching a film is with His permission after my chores are done, and this is from someone who spent the last 5 years being the one in control and doing what needed to be done to ensure all were safe and happy.

I know this is a 'bitty' post but i have so much going on in my head at the moment that i really need to get clear before i can explain where my ramblings are going - and the weird thing is Master seems to understand this and hence why i am being shown His dominance more and more in little ways, but ways i need to hold on to to help me work things out.

One Step More

2010-01-09T11:52:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days that people have sometimes, days that make you realize you want, no NEED more.

Master chained me and cuffed me with the new cuffs i had made, ankles and wrists, and throat all tied and joined together with spreader bars and chains, and He proceeded to whip,cane,flog,paddle and crop me, all over my back and ass, my legs and tits as well. I came and came over again sometimes with His hand and sometimes with Him rubbing me with the crop or hockey stick hard and fast.

We then had hard and rough sex, and again i came over and over as He told me what a slut i was and how He owned me and that c*&t He was fcking. It was hot and intense and omg so much fun !!

As i lay in bliss after He had been sated i started to think and turning to Him i started to voice my thoughts and try to explain them, He understood but to be honest i am not sure that i really do. The trouble is ........... i want more, no i need more.

I want to go beyond my comfort zone, i want to take the pain and go further, harder, deeper into it, i need to push hard at my limits, i need Him to break me physically - to make me cry and beg. I want no mercy, i crave being used as a slut and something worthless. My self esteem is high enough that i know He can do this to me and still respect me for being who i am. I want/need Him to hurt me while He fcks me and show me no pity, i want Him to realize His desires - to know that what He does to me is because He enjoys it, i know He likes to hold my head down as He fcks my ass, treating me as if i am not worthy of Him but damn that turns me on.

I trust Him enough to know my limits because there are times i don't know them, i don't know when enough is enough and i have faith that He will know that.

He is looking into needle play at the moment, and just the thought of it makes me wet, He knows i am open to anything He wants as i too want to go beyond my comfort zone, but one of the most important things is i will be going there with someone who will know when i am at my limit for that time, and then build on it each time.

Sometimes enough is not enough and we need more, and i am at that stage, i crave more and more.

Yesterday

2010-01-08T03:56:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday was a bit of a disaster !!

I had the day off from work and had imagined getting all my chores done and then spending time with Master when He got home from work - WRONG

I managed to get most of my chores done, and even squeezed in an hour to make some more jewelry which i have just started making, and i will be honest it looks really nice. I am learning to use the drimel tool more and more and with some great results so i am happy with my progress so far, and have some great pieces to wear as well !!

Chores done, shopping done, even went to sleep for a couple of hours during the day so i would not feel so drained. It was during the shopping that things went wrong, i met someone who we both knew, Master more than me, and spoke to her and thought that was the end of it, i was pleasant and even though her attitude threw me i thought nothing of it. It was not until i told Master of the chance encounter that things started to go wrong with my day. I will not go into details but needless to say i was left in tears at something He said.

Now the thing with words is - something said might not be meant the way that you take it, and He said something and i took it the wrong way so ended up being both cross and upset, i really thought i had done the right thing by speaking to her and while He acknowledged that i had, the other person was dealing with issues of her own and meeting me was not something she needed at that time. Master apologized for what He said and reaffirmed that i had done nothing wrong but by that time i was in the wrong mindset, questioning myself and those around me, asking why those He interacted with treated me that way. To cut a long story short things were sorted out and we were back on track for an evening spent together, lol again how wrong i was.

I have been feeling more and more tired each day, struggling to get through the day most times and last night was no exception, 9pm found me asleep and burning up with a fever. Master dosed me up with medicines and juice and lay with me for awhile but i was too hot for Him to properly get comfortable * that and the fact i kept pushing the covers off as i was burning up.

So once again my time spent with Master seems to be cut short, it seems if it is not other people interfering in that time it is my own body dictating the events, all i want is some time with Him that is mine but i guess that will have to wait, fingers crossed for tonight after work * if i make it there * Who knows maybe tonight will be our time.

Feeling Tired

2010-01-07T03:33:00.000-08:00

I wish i could shake this eternal tiredness that i feel, i feel drained and worn out before the day is half over. I try so hard to stay awake but it takes over me and i fall asleep more or less unwillingly.

Master is so good about it but i know that eventually He will get fed up with it as the time we get together has changed a lot since i started working so each moment is precious to us. I know He has other responsibilities and there are times i return home and He is busy so i wait but a lot of the time i fall asleep before we really get chance to talk or interact and that is not fair to Him and in some ways me either as i cherish the times we spend together.

Working has brought a few of its own problems with it, i find it harder to get into the mindset i need when i return home, i struggle with the feelings of being 'disconnected' a lot of the times and this is something i really cannot understand as before i moved to be with Master i worked full time and ran a household with no trouble, but that is the difference between online and real time i think, with online it doesn't seem 'real' and with r/t it IS real and it is not as easy as people might think to juggle all the balls in the air and not let one drop.

Many people are cut out for online relationships because they are something that does not interfere too much with your real life, the jobs still get done and the tasks you are given are relatively small in comparison to actually taking care of your Master 24/7 - making sure He has a hot meal daily, His clothes are washed and pressed, the house is clean and orderly, the garden is neat and tidy are just a few of the tasks you have all of which you cannot do when you are online.

When you add others to the mix there can be feelings of resentment, a feeling of "Why am i doing all the work and they are getting all the pleasure ?" but it is not your choice who does what, a Master uses those He owns to His advantage and if one is a better cook than another He will obviously make the most of those skills regardless of whether it seems one is doing it all and another doing nothing.

The life of a slave is not an easy one and defiantly not one that can be picked up and put down at her/his whim, it is an all or nothing relationship and even though there are times that things get to much for you, when you seem to struggle more than you thought you ever would it is a great way to live if you are committed to it, it offers you strength and security, love and peace with yourself. Being a slave is not for everyone but for those who choose this as their way of life it IS their life, with all the ups and downs it brings.

Life and the New Year

2010-01-06T06:35:00.000-08:00

Sitting here thinking over the last few months its amazing how my life has changed, i am now working which is something i have wanted to do since i arrived her, unfortunatly circumstances made that a long drawn out process but finally with all things being worked out i am now employed and finding my feet in the land of the working. I will not lie and say its easy, i am finding it hard to do all the chores i need to do and work full time and still have the energy to interact with Master when i get home, and, bless Him, He is staying up later so we can have some time together.

I am tired all the time, a recent visit to the doctors informed me that my blood pressure is too low and i am anemic, and i have lost another 7lbs since my last visit * and trust me i am not trying to lose weight- add to that the test results that came back abnormal and them booking me in for a biopsy to decide what to do next and my stress levels and energy levels are not on the same rung of the ladder !!

The new year is here and with it a new chapter in my life, i know it will be full of ups and downs, i am not naive enough to believe it will all be sunshine and roses, it is life and as such it will take many twists and turns but i know if i am committed to living my life as His slave, to always striving to do my best then when the hard times hit i will be secure in the knowledge that He will support me and give me the protection and comfort i need.

Reflection Of Your Master

2010-01-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

The other day i was at home cleaning and just doing the usual chores around the house when Master called and told me He had left some keys He needed in the drawer and could i bring them to His office so without thinking i got in the car and drove to His office. When i arrived at His office i waited in the car and text Him that i was there, now i have been in His office many times and met His co-workers so why did i not just take them in ? The reason was i was dressed in my 'cleaning clothes' - old faded jeans and a sloppy.

Master came out and collected the keys and looking at His watch He told me to hang around for a little while and then we would go to lunch together, i was in turmoil, i wanted to go to lunch with Him but i was not dressed to be seen in public with Him. Seeing the turmoil on my face He asked what was wrong and i told Him, i was not comfortable being out with Him dressed as i was, i am a reflection on Him not only in my behavior but in my attire as well and while i was dressed ok for cleaning i was in no way dressed to go to lunch with Him. Looking me over He said i was fine and the fact i was aware of my clothes and how i was dressed was a good thing, that He would not be concerned about it this once.

Dutifully i sat in the car for a little while as He finished up a meeting and when He had done He came out again and said He had a few calls to make, jumping on this i asked if it was possible for me to meet Him at the restaurant and go home to shower and change, that way i could go to work from lunch and save time for us both. He smiled and agreed, telling me that He understood how uncomfortable i was feeling.

I drove home, showered and dressed and met Him at the restaurant an hour later, dressed smartly and with my hair and make up in place.We had a lovely lunch, full of laughter and teasing and talking after which i went to work and He returned to His office.

The reason i am writing this is all to many times people forget they are a reflection on their Masters or Doms. Their attitude, their attire and their compliance to do things are all things that are reflected back onto their Masters. How much pride can a Master have in a slave who walks around Walmart in their pj's ? Or who attends a munch and spends the evening drawing attention to themselves with their loud and often bragging tirade about themselves ? Or who is given tasks to do and then spends a week moaning and bitching about how it will never work without even trying to complete it ?

We are a reflection of our Owners, we are a 'testiment' to them as Masters and Doms and how we carry ourselves and how we act are all parts of what a Master can take pride in, and i know that i for one want my Master proud of me. Remember that next time you go to the store, to a munch or even to lunch, how can a Master take pride in us if we are not taking pride in ourselves ?

Feeling 'Safe'

2010-01-05T03:52:00.000-08:00

I here many people say that their collar gives them a sense of security and it helps to bring them closer to their Master or Dom and while my Master does not believe in a collar i also have something that i 'need' * for want of a better word * to give me the feeling of security and well being, especially if He is away or i am feeling lost or uncertain.

I have a set of handcuffs that i wear while i am in the house, as soon as i enter i am required to put them on and they stay on until i leave the house again, only to be worn again when i return. The cuffs are my 'safety net' they help me to focus and get things into perspective. I have recently started work again and in my job i am responsible for myself, my performance and my abilities cannot be dictated to me by my Master and i will admit i have been struggling to remove that 'independent streak' that i have had to have while working and so i have been finding it more and more difficult to get myself back into the space i need when i come home, yet as soon as the cuffs go on i feel the connection and the bond to Master, they help me to refocus my mind and know that i am only working because Master allows it, that i am a part of His life even if He is out with others, that no matter what the circumstances are in my life i am still His slave.

All too often things happen and i have no control over them, yet while i have my cuffs around my wrists i get the sense of well being, that things will be ok and this is just a bump in the road, maybe i am giving the cuffs too much power and the real growing and learning is coming from me, i don't know, all i know is that the cuffs are my security blanket at the moment and they are powerful in that they hold so much meaning for me.

I Am Kitten

2009-10-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

This post has been deleted as people decided it was about them - in truth it wasn't it was something i wrote on one of my blogs a long time ago and just updated it, it was something that i was seeing over and over again on a certain friend site, people with multiple profiles and multiple personalities and how they were playing others in the rooms.

If the original post offened you i would like to ask you why ? is it because it somehow rings true about you ?

Trust and Faith in your Master

2009-10-07T03:55:00.000-07:00

What is it about marks and bruises on my body that make me smile ? I am sitting here 'gingerly' as my back,legs,tits and belly as well as my pussy and thighs are a wonderful patchwork of crop,cane,belt and paddle marks, the bruises and welts a testiment to the pleasure i recieved at Masters hands last night.

I love the first strike, then as the scene progresses the 'burning' sensation that covers me, and if Master is concentrating on one area the sharp pain which turns to a hot ache as that area is struck repeatedly, yet as i lay there with my eyes closed and my hands bound i have no fear, i know deep inside that He will not hurt me and that sounds really weird as this Man is paddling me and whipping me hard enough to leave welt marks and raised skin, to bring the blood to the surface and almost cause it to flow but fear is never an emotion i think of in association with Him

I have at times made Him so cross that He is in my face shouting at me, He has banished me from His sight, He has walked away from me to calm Himself down yet still i did not fear for my safety.

The faith and trust a slave puts in her Master, regardless of whether she is one who enjoys paddling or not is one of the basic foundations of this lifestyle, she has to trust that He will keep her safe and not hurt her, she has to have faith that even during the hight of play He will be in control enough to know what is enough for her, she is putting her life in His hands and she needs to believe that He will always do His best to protect and guide her, without the basic trust and faith in her Master these simple things become a struggle for the slave, she will have doubts and fears that unless she believes in Him 100% will not leave her and so taint the whole relationship.

People in any form of relationship need these basic foundations, but they are more important in a BDSM M/s relationship as there is an element of 'danger' in the play times, the whips and canes can do real damage to a person and unless you have complete faith in your Master you will not allow yourself the freedom to explore all that this lifestyle can hold.

Sitting here i can feel the slight sting of some of the marks, my smile playing on my lips as i wonder if they will be faded enough for the doctors visit on friday, chuckling at the expression on his face as he sees the bruises, wondering how i am ever going to explain the pleasure i felt while recieving them and knowing in my mind that the doctor would never understand.
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With Masters Permission

2009-10-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

When you are at school the teachers tell you that we are all equal, that we all have the same rights and that no one is better than anyone else. Most schools now days have done away with the sports days, as they believe that promoting awinning attitude is wrong for those less able, that by not winning you are in some ways damaging the self esteem of the 'loser'.

In a M/s relationship there is no equality, the 'power' lies with the Master, a slave is given certain 'rights' as deemed by her Master but those rights are subject to change - she misbehaves and privledges are removed until she has learnt her lesson, if indeed she does learn a lesson. Telling your Master sorry doesn't work, in most cases it is a word, and actions need to be shown so that the Master knows that indeed you are sorry and maybe - just maybe - those privledges removed might be reinstated.

There are many things that some people do not understand about the power exchange, it covers ALL of the slaves actions, for example i am not allowed to im with anyone without His permission, no permission no im ing - its that simple, the same goes for visiting others, i ask for permission and if it is denied then i do not go, this is M/s and the power exchange in action. There are times when He tells me what i am allowed to wear, or indeed if i am allowed to wear anything, this is His right. If i am putting on weight * and as i am quitting smoking and sucking cinnamon sweets like they are going out of fashion this is a real possibility*He will tell me to diet, if my hair is too long He will tell me to cut it, all these things and more are His right and i am to do as instructed because He is Master and when i submitted to Him i gave Him 100% control over my life and what i do or not do.

I have read that some slaves 'pounce' on their Master when they want sex, lol i can just imagine my Masters face if i did that, !!! that to me is 'Domming' it is not my choice when or if we have sex, it is His, and that is how it is meant to be, the same as with the paddle, i really don't like it on the back of my knees, no real reason why i don't like it there but Master knows this and while most of the time He doesn't use the crop or cane there He can and will if the mood takes Him, again it is His choice not mine as to what happens and how.

M/s is a relationship that is similar to every other one, it has all of the things you will find in a 'vanilla' relationship with the exception of the power division, this is the main thing that makes it different, and the one thing that a lot of people struggle with, it is an all or nothing relationship and not one that you can play at on monday but not on tuesday - you are either in the relationship 100% or you are not.

There are things in life that can cause a slave to struggle and that is where the bond with her Master comes in, it is His job to try to aliviate the struggles, to help her with any issues that she might have but at the same time it is the slaves job to make His life easier and not burden Him with things that are trivial and of no real importance. A good Master teaches His slave to identify problems that are real and take those to Him while at the same time either deal with the silly issues herself or ignore them.

The M/s relationship is a complicated one to many people but in reality it does not need to be, it is the same as everything else in life, it is only as difficult as people make it, go with your instincts, be true to yourself and your feelings, build the bond between you and your Master and be safe in the knowledge that He will protect you when needed.

Changes

2009-10-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

My Journal

2009-10-02T05:18:00.000-07:00

A Master can and does control all of His slaves life - the extent of that control is up to the Master, and nothing is off limits. A Master has the right to dictate what a slave wears, indeed if she actually wears anything * Master insists that i am naked in the house at all times*,what she eats, if she is to large He has the right to insist on her dieting, if her hair is too long He has the right to make her have it cut, and so the list goes on, but what about her thoughts ?

A slave will think, and those thoughts are not always ones that she wants, likes or indeed can process properly, like all people thoughts of one thing can lead to another and another and before long everything is a jumbled mess and the slave can see no way forward, her thoughts are keeping her prisoner in her mind and body.

I have a diary that i write in everyday, my hopes, fears, thoughts,feelings, my frustrations, my confusion, all the things that worry me are written into this journal and it does help a bit.

Master 'caught' me writing in it a couple of weeks ago and insisted on reading it - this threw me into panic -this was mine, my writing, my fears and now i had to share them ? no way did i want to do that but after pointing out that i am a slave and so everything that i think is mine is only mine through His grace * hate it when His logic is correct* so reluctantly i handed it over then ran outside, hiding from Him and His reactions to my words.

After reading it He called me in and sat me down, the look on His face not angry like i had expected but understanding, and with the book in His hand He started to read passages from it, after each one asking me why i felt/thought/imagined that particular thing.

Tears flowed, my face burnt, i will be the first to admit i was not nice to everyone in my writings, but remember this was MY thoughts and feeling so i felt i didn't need to censor them as no one was going to read them but me * ok so i was wrong* We talked, discussed all the things i had written, all the things that were jumbled in my mind, all the things i could not seem to understand and then we talked of ways to dispel those feelings and fears. I am not saying it was a miraculous recovery but it was not as awful as i had thought it would have been.

I have been ordered to write each day into the journal, i am to write everything in there, all the things that i try to keep hidden inside, and He is going to read it - at the moment i am 'safe-ish' because i am writing when He is busy and i tell Him it is not finished but i know that tonight He will be reading it and that fills me with dread, the things i have been writing are ramblings of a really confused mind, and i know that He will want to discuss that, but the thing is, if i knew the answers to the questions that plagued me they would not be questions or doubts and fears would they ?

The life of a slave is a very complex one, and full of ups and downs

Punishments

2009-10-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

Punishments are used to correct behavior in a sub or slave, they are a method of teaching them that certain behavior is not acceptable and needs to be addressed and sometimes the manner in which it is addressed is by punishment.

A punishment should not be the first action a Dom or Master takes, they usually talk to the sub or slave and tell them what they are doing wrong, how they are displeasing their Owner, and steps are taken to correct the behavior but if this fails then obviously a punishment is needed and given. The form of punishment should always fit the 'crime' and should be something that the sub or slave does not like, there is no point caning a pain slut as all this will teach her is that if she screws up she is still going to get some pleasure when being punished.

HOWEVER ............... what if the sub or slave is doing as she is told ? What if last week she was told to do such and such and then when she does it the following week she is told it is wrong ? Who then is at fault ?

I can remember my mother telling me as she sent me to my room as a punishment that she was doing it because she cared and wanted me to learn from my actions, so is a Dom or Master when they punish their property just showing how much they care ? If that is the case then it stands to reason that an act that is not punished might mean that they do not care enought to try to correct the behavior surely ?

I really wish that there were some hard and fast rules for punishments, lol i have had more than my fair share of punishments, ranging from silence to being chained in a corner and all of them at the time i felt were unfair * still a few i think were unfair * but each time Master had a reason for the punishment * in His eyes, my version obviously differs at times * so i took the punishment and learnt from it, the action not to be repeated.

Are punishments affective ? Well for this one they are, they teach that certain behavior is not allowed, they show that He cares enough to try to alter my mindset and they reinforce my part in Masters life , i am His slave and the punishments He gives me are because of that

I Am Me - No More - No Less

2009-09-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

I am me - no more - no less - just me

How many times have you heard me say that ? Yet still it is true, i am who and what i am, i am my Masters slave with all that entails, my life is confusing at time * hell a lot of the time its confusing* and there are times when things really make no sense to me yet still i am His.

I try hard to be all i can be for Him, even during the times we fight, and yeap we do argue but usually its not because of US as such but because i have a really bad habit of trying to defend others and that leads to more confusion as i see things and hear things which make me question and have doubts and issues with what is going on.

I have read all the things about online players, the games being played and i will be the first to admit that i have been a victim of some of those games, i served a Master online and i really thought he was real, i had a 'friend' who i told all my fears and doubts to - someone who i thought was a 'sister' to me, that is until i woke up and realised that i was just a means to an end, i was being used so she could get closer to him, i was a means to an end and she was just playing a game with me till she could get what she wanted. The Master i served was also playing a game, i fell for it in a big way, to the extent i was going to see him, to be with him, to serve him r/t which is what he said he wanted - that is until he realised it was getting closer to the time i was leaving, then he left, no more online, no more calls, no more anything for months.

I found out he was married with two children, and all that i thought we had was just a game to him, he was playing a fantasy to while away the time during his day and as for the friend, well she was playing the game as well, for both of them the chasing, the building of trust and the online fantasy was all they were looking for, they had no interest in real time, all they wanted was the fantasy.

I am now wary of people, i look beyond the things said, i look past the 'innocent' actions, i know people use me to get closer to my Master and that hurts, things from the past still have an effect on the present, i am nothing more than a means to an end for some people and i guess that is something i will have to get used to, people who claim to not like me suddenly want to know me, and i will admit i am wary of those.

I am told to just let things be, to not worry as it will all work out yet i hate being used. Maybe it is my fault, maybe i should just accept that i am a person to be trod on to get to the main event, someone who is disposable in the journey to what another wants

Not sure why i was thinking about games played this morning, guess its because even though he know i want nothing more to do with him the im 's still keep coming, he cannot see that i am owned and happy with my REAL MASTER - sometimes people cannot accept what is in front of them no matter how many times they see it.

Life Changes

2009-09-27T15:06:00.000-07:00

Three times today i have opened this blog to write something and each time exactly what i want/need to write has eluded me - i know what i want to say but the words fail to make sense and then each time i think of more and more to say on the subject so to be honest i am not sure if its a good idea for me to write anything.

Today has been a weird day- hell the whole week/month has been strange but the one thing that has stuck with me was Master telling me after i had been throwing question after question at Him was that things change, what was then doesn't mean to say it is now and the more i think about it the more it is ringing true.

Life has a way of moving forward whether we want it to or not, just because something was one way does not mean to say it will forever remain that way and nothing is ever as it was for very long, its just how things go. Sometimes we help things change and other times things change with out our help but always there is a consequence to that change, be it good or bad it is still there.

I know that some people think we are the masters of our own fate and in some ways that is true but at the same time a slave/sub's fate/destiny/life is at the mercy of her Master - He is the one who decides what will be and what will not be, we are not in control, we are like pieces on a checkers board, being moved around as and when it pleases. We can at times rebel and think we are in control but those are the times we really see who is in control, our actions have reactions - a Master will be the One to decide what those reactions are to be .

I told you this is not making much sense, yet to me it is, my life is in His hands, i am a piece of His life yet i am not the whole of His life, so when His life moves forward it stands to reason that my role in it will change, hence the comment about things changing. I have a choice, and yes i do have a choice, after all this is still my life, i can move forward with Him or try to hold Him back, i can resist the changes or i can embrace them, i can be a part of the future or try to hold Him in the past, but as i sit here i know that ultimatly the only choice i have to really make is whether i can serve Him more, serve Him better, help Him make His life more than it is because i know that as surely as the sun will rise in the morning that life will keep moving forward and i want to move forward with Him towards the new day

Believe Nothing

2009-09-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

Wise words indeed

Still I Rise

2009-09-23T17:43:00.001-07:00

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certanity of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise,
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds,
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame I rise,
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise.
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear, I rise.
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear, I rise.
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slaves.
I rise, I rise,
I rise.

The Power of the Mind

2009-09-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

Your best and worst enemy in life is your mind, it has a power unrivelled by anything else in your life and that includes your Master, as once your mind gets a hold of something it can and does take over you if you let it, good or bad you start to believe what your mind tells you and its a hell of a job to shift those ideas and beliefs for even the most experienced Master, for a new one it might be impossible.

I read some blogs online and there are a few * very few thankfully* that read as if this life is all sunshine and roses, that they are perfect and all in their life is wonderful as they give the impression they are the best slave and perfect in every way. WRONG This life is not all candlelight and white knights, its life, with all that it brings and that can be alot !

The people who write these things are living in fantasy land, they are giving people the impression that all if wonderful and that they are constantly at peace with all that goes on in their life, that nothing could be better and in fact the life they are leading is so perfect and there is no way to improve it.

Its very similar to someone saying they love to be spanked and it releases their inner pain sluttiness when in reality they have had a 5 minute 'session' with a soft flogger * and those who are into spanking will know that a suede flogger does not hurt no matter how hard it is used* That is like me saying i am a deep sea diver because i sat in a paddling pool !

I read another who posts that she tells her Master what she will and will not do - this is not M/s, as any real Master will not accept a slave telling them what to do, you can have an opinion and you can suggest things but telling them ?? no way is that part of M/s or TPE, and to actually say it is is just giving so many new ones the totally wrong impression of what M/s is really all about.

Do i sound bitter ? Jaded ? well maybe i am, and the reason for that is i talk to many people both online and in person and trying to explain that some of the crap they read online is pure fantasy and not fact is getting harder and harder, people claiming to be real slaves and this is how life is supposed to be is not fair on them as with their lies and make believes come a huge responsibility to REAL slaves who know that life is life to get them to understand that no Master is totally perfect and no person is as wonderful as they make them out to be.

Maybe its time for the glasses to come off and people to be honest, not saying that all they post is doom and gloom but would love them to post honestly and truthfuly, something some of them seem to have a really hard time doing - Live in reality and not fantasy, and you will find that your relationship with your Master will be stronger and better than a story book as it will be based on truth, honesty and trust something all relationships need to survive.

OOhh by the way, if you don't like this post then i am sorry, maybe its cos you are one of those who live in laa laa land ??

Unrealistic Expectations

2009-09-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

For the first time since i have been in the USA my phone rang more times than Masters, even on the beach everyone thought it was His phone ringing but it was mine but not one of the calls was the one i was hoping for, and that was the call from my daughter.

It seemed that today i was surrouned by people talking of their children and while i can understand that i just sometimes wish someone would think to ask about mine - i have children and they are a part of me, yet no one ever gives a thought to that. I know that people can be selfish but i seem to spend my time thinking of others and just once i want some one to think of me and what i am going through, maybe i am the selfish one, expecting others to have the same qualities that i have in regard to thinking of others and not themselves and what a certain action or deed will get them and time and time again i am left disappointed or annoyed as that is never the case. Don't take me wrong - i am no saint but even in the mist of all the upset i have been feeling and not being well still and in pain i still think of others.

I have told 3 people of my call from my daughter the other day, Master and two online friends, and bless her, one of them has been texting daily or on im to make sure i am alright and coping but its not the same as talking to a real live person is it ?

I have so many conflicting emotions right now, one minute i want to be here with Master as i know thats where i belong and the next i feel i need to be with my daughter and after what she said i sometimes doubt that is a possibility and even f it was that would mean leaving Master and that is not something i think i could do unless really forced to.

Time and time i lay in bed while He is sleeping and my head is spinning, my heart aching and tears falling silently down my face, hell even typing this and my eyes are filling up, i just feel so lost and yet each morning i wake Master with a smile plastered on my face and the pretence that all is ok in my world begins again, after all, He has so much on His plate that i am not going to burden Him further especially as there is nothing He can do that will make it all alright once more, this is my problem/turmoil/dilema to try to get through, and at the moment i am not sure what the outcome will be and that is a scary thing for me.

The Way Life works

2009-09-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, today has certainly took me by surprise, and to be honest i am not sure what to do any more, i got some news from back home and it has thrown me into a tail spin.

I have been told something, what it was does not really matter except to me, and then i was told the results of that news, and that is what has thrown me. I knew when i chose to live my life for me that there would be times that were hard and times that looked as if they were impossible, and this is one of those impossible times and i am not sure what to do and where to turn.

My daughter called me with some news, and then she piled on the other stuff and that has hurt me so bad, i know Master tries to understand but it is not something that i can explain, its the feelings and the hurt that are making me cry all the time, i understand that by trying to get away and actually live a life that is right for me i took a chance on friends and family not understanding and i came into this with my eyes wide open but i never imagined i would react like this when faced with their anger and hurt, their words and deeds are crippling and they know this.

People always say look on the bright side, there are worse off than me and i should count my blessings, and i do, i really do but at the same time i start to question and doubt, not Master as He has always been upfront about what He is and what He wants from me, but about myself and what i did and am doing still, and the results of my actions. Was i selfish to want a life ? Was i self centred to want to be happy ? Can i be happy ? Can i take this latest knock and not let it turn me around and leave all i have craved for so long ? i wish i had the guts to hide away and not have to hurt like this, and the really stupid thing is, as Master has explained, i am the target for all her anger and resentment, and give her a few days and she will either come around or she will heap more on and its all my fault, i am so used to dealing with everything for all of them that now i am not there she is having to deal with things herself, she is having to grown up and in that growing up she is lashing out and the target is me.

Somedays i really wish i knew all the answers, and on other days i wish i knew the questions, today is a day i need answers. No one said life was easy, but hell they never said it would be this hard or hurt this much either.

Putting Others On A Pedastal

2009-09-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

I was reading something the other day that got me thinking, not always a good idea but this time I think it was. I was reading how one slave thought her Master was perfect,you could tell by what she was writing and how she was saying things that she had no real grasp on life, she had put her Master on a pedastal and was worshipping Him. This does not sound wrong i know but realistically no Master is a god, no Master is an idol, they are human and like the rest of us they are prone to mistakes and errors in judgement but when we elevate them to saint like statue then when they make that mistake it is so much worse as they have proven they are not al we had built them up to be.

I have read many posts where a slave will say her Master is wonderful and He is kind and considerate and does not ask her to do things she does not like, how He is supportive and there for her always and how He is her reason for being in this lifestyle, and to be honest that is so wrong, it is totally giving off the wrong impression on what this life is, what about the times He is not there, when He is working or out with His friends, what about the times when He moody and cross as something has not gone right during His day, what about the times when He has had enough of your whining about such and such and tells you to sort it out yourself, and yes those times do happen as this is LIFE and not a fairy tale in the making.

All too many come into this way of life as they think it is a way to find never ending happiness and true love with a bit of kink added, they think it is all roses and candle light and when you read some of the things out there you can tell who those people are, but they are in for a rude awakening, its not all like that.

The trouble with putting a person on a pedastal is they rarely live up to your expectations, they cannot as what you dream and imagine is so much more than a human is capable of so when they fail to live up to your imagination then you are going to be very disappointed, love your Master, serve your Master and honor your Master but do not elevate him to godlike staus as that is not fair to either of you.

This Life and All it Brings

2009-08-31T05:10:00.000-07:00

When i got up this morning i felt the need to write something, so many things going around in my head, and most of the time when i write them down it helps me but for some reason this time there are so many things that i am finding it hard to sort them out properly and that just makes things worse as they are all tangled together and i can't sort them out.

I am missing my son, i knew things would be hard when i moved to be with Master but its the little things i am having a tough time dealing with, today he goes back to school, who will make sure he is collected on time, who will make sure his TA is there waiting for him, who will make sure the lessons he is taking are the right ones, who will be his voice when they decide to push him to far and he ends up in danger * and it does happen, many times* So many things i have done and now i am too far away to make sure they get done so i am feeling lost, as if i have no purpose in his life any more.

I am also questioning things about myself, something Master said about my sister and i not being slaves and he is going to demote us to subs until we refocus our minds onto what is really important, that hurt, i know there are times i make him mad but most of our arguments are not actually about me, and that is the worst thing, i can be 'demoted' if its something i am doing wrong, and i accept that, but when its not about me then thats not fair, but He decides what is fair, so many times i want to shout and scream and stamp my foot but there is no point, it will not achieve anything apart from me being punished.

I am learning to deal with things myself and not to share them with Master, He is always busy with others that what i say is sort of lost and so there is no point, i know this is wrong but when He is being 'hammered' on all sides He is just a man and as such He can only deal with so much at a time and regardless of what others think He is not a never ending support system, even He needs support at times and that i can give Him by not burdening Him even more with my problems.

So many people think that being a slave is all sunshine and roses, they fail to see the bigger picture, the actual ' living' part of being a slave, it is not all sex and bondage and wild times, it is life and all that it brings, and when a slave brings 'baggage' into the mix it just adds to the problems everyone faces, add to that a poly type relationship and more problems are faced by all, i sometimes wonder if people really know what this life is about, it is a wonderful way to live but it is also one of the hardest, and only those who are committed, and that applies to the Masters as well as the slaves, will survive, it is a relationship and it is a lifestyle, unfortunatly there are so many blogs and posts out there that make it seem like a polly anna type deal, they are so very wrong

Serving A Masters Needs

2009-08-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

When you are involved in a M/s relationship, especially a poly relationship, then there are many ways you can serve your Masters needs. Some slaves are house slaves, taking care of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and general well being of their Master, some are sex slaves, taking care of His sexual needs and desires and some are used in other areas of His life to help make things run smoothly for Him in what ever capacity has been agreed upon when you submitted.

So what happens when one gets ill ? Who will take care of that area of His life ?

In a poly relationship another sister * slave* will pick up the 'slack' * for want of a better word* to help out, whether that is something they are primarily used for in their Masters life or not they should want to help out as in doing so their Master will still be cared for and looked after - be it offering to do the laundry or cooking a few meals to bring around to the house * if they do not all live together* this is a way they can help their Master and at the same time their family.

A poly relationship is something not everyone can live in, it can and often is trying for the Master and the slaves but when it works it can also be something a slave can draw strength from and companionship, it can give them a helping hand when one is ill and unable to do the tasks set out for them, thus ensuring that the Master is still able to concentrate on what He needs to.

Late Night Thoughts

2009-08-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

Master has finally gone to sleep, and after untangling myself gently so as not to wake Him i find myself unable to sleep, notice anything different about this post already ? i am me, not kitten and i have a feeling that is what is wrong, i feel disconnected somehow and to be honest i am not really sure why or how to get reconnected once more.

i seem to be struggling more and more with things and that scares me, there have been times in the past week when i have just wanted to scream at people for reasons that should not be my concern, but i find myself getting mad and having to walk away so as not to loose my cool. i see people pretending to be something they are not and wonder why, what is it they lack in their lives that make them want to do that? Being true to yourself and about yourself has been something i have tried to keep uppermost in my mind, no matter how hard it is at times i value honesty and all that goes with it.

i think one of the reasons for my feelings is my sister has flown 5000 miles to stay at a place not 50 miles from where i am living and she has not contacted me at all, i found out she was coming over by accident from another member of my family as she did not tell me and to know she is so close and yet will not talk to me because of the choices i made is hard to understand, i though family wanted their family to be happy and i am, but it seems happiness is something other people think they can dictate the terms of.

i know Master is worried about me, i am losing weight and have no appitite, i am now under orders that i must eat three times a day or no coffee allowed, and for me that is a huge loss, i live on coffee, i have dropped 3 dress sizes and even though i feel fine i cannot sleep and toss and turn all night, if i get 3 hours a night i am lucky, and its not doing me any good.

Its a times like this i miss my friends, people who i could talk to and know they would be there for me as i am there for them, ones who can help me see the wood for the trees, but that is not to be unfortunatly and while Master does His best, bless Him He is a man and a Master, He has compassion and sympathy for me but at the same time i will not keep burdening Him as He has enough on His plate so this is something i must work through on my own.

It seems to me that the real question needs to be, which do i need or want more, my Master or my family, as it doesn't appear that i can have both, and that is not my choice or Masters but theirs, and to be honest, its a hell of a choice to have to make, i made it once, and i have not regretted it but now it seems i must make it again.

Happiness come with a price and sometimes that price is a lot to pay.

Collars

2009-08-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

kitten was reading something the other day that got her thinking * lol and at 2am that is NOT good ! *
It was an artcle about collars and one persons view on them, well to be honest some of what she said made perfect sense to kitten and she will explain why.

A collar is a sign of commitment between the Dom/Master and sub/slave, it is a symbol of ownership and the desire to be owned. A collar is many different things to many different people, to kitten it is a sign of trust, honor, respect and integrity, it shows that she is owned and she has found her place in this life with her Master. The collar symbolizes the faith she has in Him to protect her and keep her safe from harm, it is her strength when He is not with her yet at the same time it is her comfort when things are looking bleak.

There are many people who do not believe in collars and that is their choice, it is something that is not 'essential' to this lifestyle, it is not the same as a wedding ring to pronounce you married, it is just something that some people do and some people do not believe in, that said when a collar is given it is given by the Dom/Master and placed around the sub/slaves throat.waist/wrist/ankle * a collar is not necissarily something that goes around the throat* It is the act of giving and recieving that makes a collar meaningful.

So what about online collaring ? How can a collar sent through the post or brought yourself be special ? It is the act of human contact and recieving the gift from your Master that gives the collar meaning otherwise it is just a bit of jewellry surely ?

There are times when a Dom/Master cannot be with the one they own but that just means the giving of the collar waits - a person cannot collar themself, it is not something that means anything when done in this way, * and kitten should know, been there done that as it was* So if you are collared online are you in fact collared at all ? is it not just a case of more online fantasies ? hhhmmm something to think about

New Social Site

2009-07-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

kitten as many know has been in a few of the social sites on the internet, some better than others and that is why she is telling you all about a new site she has joined.
The site is for BDSM M/s and D/s relationships, you can post blogs, pictures,music, chat and so much more but the best part is it is for like minded people who when you look at the poll and read the posts and actually chat with them are on the whole REAL people and not just online players that you find in so many of the sites online.
The site is http://anownedlife.ning.com and it is a mine of information for newbies and more experienced people alike. Please check it out and look forward to seeing you in there, kitten is sure you will enjoy the site

Sitting In Slience

2009-07-27T14:26:00.000-07:00

I sit in silence
Closing my eyes
Feeling all of lifes worries
Bearing down on me

I feel the pain of seperation
The sharp ache of longing
I hear the echo of nothingness
surrounding me in my thoughts

I close my heart a bit more
The fear of drowning in my grief strong
I wipe the lone tear from my cheek
Breathing deep to steady myself

Standing tall I open my eyes
A smile in place as i cry inside
My tears, my sorrow, my pain, my grief
All mine to hide from sight

This is my life, I need to live
Not exisit as others want
I have to be who I really am
And know that Master is my strength

I have left behind a world of pain
Yet it seems to follow me
Turning to Him is my only salvation
His arms my port in this life

I draw on His strength
I feel His protection
He is my rock when all is crumbling
I have my life now, I am free to live

Questions

2009-07-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

At Masters request today kitten spoke to a Domme that Master had been conversing with and to say the conversation was 'enlightning' is putting it mildly.

After saying hello and commenting on kitten talking in the third person her first question to kitten * remember kitten had not spoke to this person before* was
" Would you mind your Master using me in front of you as that will happen if we meet"

Hhhmmm to say kitten was surprised is putting it mildly - kitten is a slave and this person a Domme, and as a slave it is not kittens choice or place to either mind or not mind, it is Masters and as a Domme this is something kitten had assumed that she would know.

So that led her to question what type of things Master likes and dislikes, again that is not kittens place to answer for Master, she can say what SHE likes * kitten that is* and what she doesn't like very much but to answer for Master ? nope not kittens place as how is kitten to know whether He likes something with other slaves that He does not like with kitten ?

So now kitten is processing things in her head, things that she had thought were standard practices, the knowledge that a sub/slave has no choice in who her Master plays with and when, the belief that a Dom/Dommes Master or Mistress should have at least a basic grasp of what a sub or slaves place is and indeed the understanding that a sub or slave does not answer for her Master unless told to give out certain information if they are asked.

The conversation went on to her telling kitten all about her past experiences and how she has no limits and so on and so forth and by the end of the conversation kitten was really confused, was this Domme a switch ? was she a Domme but really wanted Master * and with all respect kitten knows Master is a hunk and there are many who do want Him and not just as a Master but as a man as well* or was she just looking to impress with her knowledge of certain parts of BDSM and really only making things up ?

There are some things a Master/Mistress Dom or Domme should know insinctivly if they are serious about this life, but that is just kittens opinon and maybe she is wrong and judging someone on her own beliefs, time will tell ................

The cost Of This Life

2009-07-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

There is an old saying, that everything is possible - but at a price and never more true than when you are looking into this lifestyle.

Many of your friends and family will say that all they want is your happiness, that as long as you are safe and free from harm then you should live your life as you see fit, and not to worry about them as they are fine. Well kitten is here to tell you that in the majority of the cases that is so far from the truth it is laughable

When kitten moved to Master she knew the cost to herself, it was something she and she alone would have to decide, not only was she moving away from all the things that were familiar to her, her family, her friends, her work and to some extent the 'safeness' of her life but she was also moving to another country where they drive on the wrong side of the road, they speak funny and don't understand kitten when she speaks, the money is so whacky its ridiculous at times trying to work out what things cost and that is just the normal everyday living, that does not include the journey that kitten is taking just by being with Master, the things she has to learn or unlearn as the case might be.

kitten has times when all the feelings of loss are overwhelming, when all she can think of is her family and friends, her need to speak to them, see them, touch them and it is at those times kitten tends to close down a bit, the choices that were made were made by kitten and no one else, Master supports kitten but would not tell her what to do with regard to making a choice, that was something He refused to do in that He knew that the feelings that kitten gets would have been directed at Him and unfairly so as well.

People love to tell you that they only want your happiness, what they fail to tell you is they want your happiness as long as it falls in with what they want you to do and that is something kitten is finding out the hard way, but if you were to ask her does she regret her desicion then the answer would be no not in the slightest as this is how kitten needs to live, she is where she needs to be and with whom she needs to be with BUT and heres the thing, ask her again if she believes that others want her happiness in everything she does and she will proberbly answer - if it suits their purpose.

Its All In The Wording

2009-07-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

When you first start to interact with a Dom or Master there is a lot of talking and very little sex if it is done right. A person who does not wish to actually learn about their sub/slave Dom or Master does not actually seem to interested in this as a complete way of life, it has been kittens experience * and yeap just like everyone else kitten has been burnt a time or two by online fakes* that all they are looking for is a quick way to get their rocks off with none of the responsibility that goes with it.

The reason kitten mentions this is that during the talking period there comes a time when limits and hard limits are discussed, * or should be* as well as likes and dislikes and that is where wording is very important. A sub or slave has to remember that a Dom or Master only has what He is being told to base His judgments on, He has at this stage no real knowledge of the sub or slave and so He has to trust her to tell Him what she will and will not be open to.

Kitten has seen many in chat rooms say that they love the idea of being flogged, they welcome the feeling of being bound and choked, when in actual fact they have no real time experience with any of that, and the same goes for the new Doms or Masters, if they say that they are experts in bondage and floggings and have in fact had no experience in this then it can have disastrous consequences.

How something is said is very important, to tell a Dom or Master that you will not do something as it is a HARD LIMIT then that is what a Dom or Master has to trust, it is something that is non negotiable and a real Dom or Master will not expect this from you when playing or interacting with them, it is also something that you cannot change your mind about at a later date, a hard limit is just that, a hard limit, its a no no. A limit on the other hand is something that you are not sure about, it is something you could have had a bad experience with and while you are really uncertain about it, its not something you would volunteer to do willingly it is also something that can be pushed at by an experienced Dom or Master to see whether it is something that can be overcome. A real Dom or Master will try to get His sub/slave past her inner fear about something but at the same time doing it in a way that will not cause her harm or worry, if while pushing her the Master senses resistance and fear He will pull back and reassure her that everything is fine and she is safe, He will then stop that course of action/play and move on to something else, leaving that to be explored another day and maybe the next time it can be taken a bit further.

The problem with having limits and hard limits is that a limit can and usually is moved past, it is more often a case of fear of the unknown that makes it a limit, the sub/slave has no real experience of it so it frightens her where as a hard limit is something she has decided she does not want and it is not up for negotiation, it is a moot point and not something she will entertain in her submission, again the words a Dom or Master are told is all He has to go on so He takes her hard limits and respects them, not pushing at them and not trying to break them down. Unfortunately a hard limit is more often something that they decide at a later date they might actually like and so they start to change the playing field if they can, but that is not always possible, remember if you have changed your mind about one thing then how is a Dom or Master to know what else you have changed your mind about ? Also if there are more than one hard limit and you want to ignore one then how are they to know the others are still hard limits ?

As kitten said in the beginning – its all in the wording so be careful how you say something and what it is you are saying

We Always Want More

2009-07-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Strange title for kitten writing isn't it - well there is a reason, and that is as a slave it seems to be inbred that we always want more, more time with our Master, more interactions, more sex, more everything, and those who think they have nothing really do not realize how much they actually have until they have the same as another slave * this applies to poly as well as when comparing to fellow slaves/subs*

It seems that there is a 'need' to compare, to want what the others have without really knowing what it is they have, all you can see is a preconceived idea of something, no fact based knowledge and that is the worst thing, especially if you have been in a position where you know exactly what it is the other slaves are getting.

Being envious of someone is nothing new, it seems that many subs and slaves have those feelings, they are not malicious in their intent but in their actions more, and that is where things fall apart, it might be that they read something and 'assumed' or they heard something and ' jumped to conclusions' what ever the reason the feelings of being given nothing are strong, lol if only they realized just how much they actually have in comparison to others then they might be thankful for that, instead kitten has seen them push and push at their Masters, questioning and asking, wanting more and more, but for them to get more they do not seem to realise that in the case of a poly Master this means someone else will get less - hhhmm something doesn't sound right there does it ?

For a sub or a slave to get more, then someone else is going to have to get less, and if they are not getting much in the way of interaction already then how can a sub or slave take that little bit from them ? Easily - because they THINK they are getting less than anyone else already, so in their mind they deserve more, and so the circle continues.

It is a Masters choice who He interacts with, who He talks/plays/laughs/jokes with and that is how it is supposed to be, might not be as you wish it to be but hell no sub or slave will ever truly be happy unless she has 100% of the attention, kitten knows this because she feels the same way at times but the difference is kitten not does not speak to Him about nothing unless He talks to her first, kitten has learnt to wait, and if that day there is no time to talk with her then thats ok, maybe tomorrow will be kittens turn. By kittens actions she is in fact allowing her own feelings and values intrude on what should be Masters choice, her own sense of what is right and wrong is interfering with what is Masters wishes, and that is something Master is trying to get through to kittens sometimes not so bright brain

kittens last post

2009-05-21T03:43:00.000-07:00

This is a sad day for kitten, this will be her last post on here, she will keep the blogs open but she will not be writing anymore on here.

It seems that even though kitten is with Master now the games and the bullsh*t still continues, some of it kitten really doesn't believe is true, she thinks it is stuff someone made up, but as with all things in life it is not what kitten believes that matters is it, but what another believes that counts.

When kitten was told that someone was upset and why, well kitten and Master had a huge argument, so maybe that was the objective of saying things, who knows, all kitten knows is she is fed up with lies, stories and make believe and to that end this is it, kitten is done, no more posts, no more trying to be friends with anyone, no more chatting to people, kitten is going to keep herself to herself and not have anything to do with anyone except Master, who knows maybe that way certain other people will feel more secure in themselves and not then feel the need to make things up or cause trouble.

In the 5 weeks kitten has been here she has had some bad patches, and it ould have been nice to talk to someone other than Master but it seems that is not to be so now kitten is not going to bother, she has no interest in anyone now, let them struggle in their own life and while they are doing that they might come to realise that kitten could have been a really good friend to them

On finishing this post all kitten would like to say is enough is enough, no more spreading of rumors, no more lies or games, no more pretence, be big enough to admit to your lies as kitten knows they are lies, one day all these lies will come back to bite you on the ass and when kitten has the proof she will not hesitate to act on it trust her on that one. Enjoy your lonely life, it could have been so much better if only you had allowed it

2009-05-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

Kitten had always considered herself a sexual person, but over the years, as life took over her journey her sex drive seemed to wan off, she was not bothered about sex, when she was told to do something she did it but very rarely did she get the ‘urge’ to ask for something, to ask to cum or play, she was getting to the stage she was content to watch him play with his others or indeed, not watch as the relationship broke down more and more but now she has a problem !

Master has a body to die for and He loves being naked, nothing wrong with that kitten knows but damn it makes for some uncomfortable thoughts in her head ! kitten is a slave and as such it is not her place to initiate sex or touch without permission, either herself or Master and when kitten sees Master naked it is so very hard to keep her mind on tasks or chores she is supposed to be doing.

Master knows that kitten loves the paddle/crop/switch and the marks on her body prove that He loves it as well, but omg kitten is insatiable where He is concerned and is almost catatonic at times when He pleases her. The ability to please Master with her mouth, pussy, ass is something kitten loves * for so many reasons some of which are really selfish !! and as time moves on kitten is finding that Master is awakening the parts of her she thought were dead and forgotten.

Kitten is once more becoming the person she was, but this time a new and improved version, one who is allowed to have likes and dislikes, thoughts and feeling, who is allowed to be sensual and sexual, now al kitten needs is for Master to realise that cuddles and pillows are really not that sexy and she will be in heaven !!!

In Charge

2009-05-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you were a child and you were told to do something you didn’t want to ? Like cleaning your room or going to see relatives when all you wanted to do was go out with your friends ? The feeling of having no control over your life and what you were being told to do was great, and in some ways the M/s and to a lesser extent the D/s relationship is very similar. Kitten has just read a great article describing this better than she ever could,*here* but it did get her thinking, she knows there are times when Master is teasing her that she tells Him “ No way Batman” or “ Dream on He who must be Obeyed” but this is different, during the teasing kitten is not actually refusing Him anything as W/we B/both know if He wanted something then kitten would do it and do it with a feeling of want as He has asked for something * and no it need not be sexual, it can be anything from getting Him a drink to pleasing Him*
However we all get times when we really don’t want to do something, for what ever reason we try to change things so we have the controlling hand. An example of this was the other night, kitten was told to do something, and she didn’t want to as she had got herself into a funk and it seemed as though she was struggling with things on her own, so when she was told to perform the task she replied “ kitten would rather not” Well this led to a few questions which kitten again tried not to answer so she started to perform the task first asked, this did not go down well, Master pulled her up and refused to let her do what she now wanted to do, * ok so kitten doesn’t take much persuading to do certain things * And after close questioning and kitten being allowed to speak freely * this means that anything said will not be used against her and she is allowed to talk freely about what is on her mind*, Master saw things from kittens point and He apologised * A true Master is one who is never afraid to admit to making errors in judgement, something people should be aware of*
Now the above might not make sense and it might seem that kitten was trying to control things, and if you read it again you will probably see that in some ways she was, she was trying to control herself, trying to say she didn’t want to do something but ultimately she was going to do it as it had been asked of her, and she knows that was wrong.
So what should she have done ? Well first off she should have spoken to Master BEFORE she got herself so worked up that she could not see the wood for the trees, she should have gone to Him and asked to speak, but this is another lesson she is learning, the one where she has to accept that Master CAN help her and that she need not do everything on her own, the lesson that she can depend on Him. And she is also learning that when Master tells her to do something then she does it, the majority of the time it is with a great big smile on her face and for the few times its not, then those are the times that she knows she is pleasing Master by doing as asked of her as a slave should do. Any task set by a Master is one a slave should under take to the best of her ability and not just when it suits her.

kitten is finally home

2009-05-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Firstly kitten needs to apologise, she has been lax in posting on here if only for the fact she has been busy and for that she is sorry,

By now you will know that kitten is with Master, she is living with Him as His property, His slave and that is something that has been two fold for her, in one way it is like coming home, and in another way it is like leaning to live again, both coming together to make kittens life more complete.

There have been a few times over the past three weeks that kitten has had doubts, not with Master but with life situations and they have been worked on and all the fears have been discussed and a solution has been worked out, kitten is not daft enough to believe that the teething problems have been all she will face but as long as kitten has Master to talk things through with then she is sure there are no problems she cannot deal with.

When kitten got off the plane she was shaking, for so long she had heard that Master and her sister were playing her, were taking her for a fool, yet not once did kitten get that impression from Him in all her interactions, but as with all things, if you listen to something enough you will start to have doubts, well there are no doubts now, Master is all that He said He was and in some ways more.

Kitten has learnt that Master has a wicked sense of humour * usually to kittens cost * and the sound of Him laughing fills the house on a regular basis, that said, He also has a serious side that you can talk with, ask advice * something kitten is still learning to do and to be honest not doing to well at, is harder to hide what kitten is thinking or feeling though now that He is along side kitten daily*and the serious side is one which is can be depended on to give you honest unbiased opinions and advice.

Play times * not really anyone’s business but kitten knows there are still a few doubters* are wonderful, going to the beach and trying to cover a bruised ass and tits makes for an interesting outfit combination !! Why cover them up ? Because society does not readily understand this life and kitten does not want people to look at Master and judge Him, that said, the getting of the bruises is wonderful and something kitten feels is part of her, something she loves and at times needs to be able to free her mind from all the thinking she does. There is another way that kitten settles her mind, its unfortunately not for anyone else’s knowledge apart from the fact Master says kitten better not be unsettled at the mall or W/we could B/both end up in jail !! Again this is something Master knows when kitten needs and at the moment He is allowing it, while at the same time working on other methods for her to feel the safety net around her.

There is so much that kitten could and should write but where do you stop ? What do you say and not say ? All kitten can say with 100% certainty is that she is Masters kitten 24/7 and that is like coming home, to a life and a Master who completes kittens life, and that kitten can never express enough

Life Quotes

2009-04-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

A riding crop and a blindfold doesn't make it BDSM. There is a big difference between being kinky and being in the scene. It's not a sexual thing to me, it's a very spiritual thing. ~ DominaBlue

If you are meant to be in the lifestyle, you will find that, where you were once only walked through life, you will be gliding on air. Parts of you that never were complete will then become whole. In relinquishing control, I have found freedom: freedom to find and be the person I am inside. ~ miria hunter

When i first began this lifestyle, i thought there was nothing i wouldn't do. Sound familiar? Seems almost everyone new to the lifestyle says that there is nothing they will not do. Then they start reading and hearing of the totality of possibilities, and reality sets in. ~ miria hunter

Do You Know Me

2009-04-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

Do You know me?
Do You wish to ?
Do You know my thoughts
What things run through my head
Do You know my fears
What makes me doubt the most
Do You know my strongest desires
What makes me yearn the most
Do You know what makes me smile
What makes me laugh with joy
Do You know what makes me sad
What makes me weep in pain
Do You know my dreams
What goals in life i strive for
Do You know my inner passions
What makes me feel alive
Do You know how much i crave
What my cravings are
Do You know my past
What makes me who i am
Do You know my future
What will make me who i wish to be
Do You know my preferences
What makes me ache the most
Do You know my tastes
What things i love to hear
Do You know Me
Do You wish to ?

kitten is not a slave

2009-04-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

Kitten has written this post 5 times so far, she has written 6 pages on her note book and still she is no more settled than she was, so many things going around in her head, all she wants to do is cry, and damn it kitten is NOT a crier, even writing this she can feel the tears running down her face.

Yesterday really threw her, something happened and it was stupid and pathetic but it really hit kitten hard, another went somewhere they were not supposed to, to keep an check on kitten she guesses and it ended up kitten was told she was over reacting, then was told it was her fault that the one she is blaming goes nowhere, else * which is not true as she does go on a certain place, but not kittens concern if she wishes to lie* It is not kittens fault, kitten has never been on there herself so how can it be her fault ? So many things were said and something another done ended up being something kitten was told to apologise for, and that is not going to happen, that is the first time kitten has actively disobeyed Master and it has thrown her into a spin, she is not a slave, she is not submissive, she refused to do as she was told, damn it kitten hates feeling like this.

Kitten so far has written for hours in her notebook, she has cleaned all she can clean and then some more, all to try to work out what the hell she is supposed to do, how she can get rid of feeling like this, but its not worked, kitten is shutting down, she can sense it, she can feel it and she hates it but it is how she survives,
Ever have days you wish would just swallow you up and take you away from everything ? kitten is feeling like that.

In 10 days kitten is supposed to be on a plane to Master, what is the point if she is not a slave for Him, if He tells her to do something and she refuses, what good will she be for Him then ?

* have spoken to Master and He knows what she did was wrong, but as she will be there in 10 days then He is not going to punish her online, rather He is going to punish her when she is there, kitten knows she was wrong to say no to Him and as He said, she is beating up on herself more that He would ever do but her actions still need addressing, and that is fair enough, kitten knows she was wrong and accepts any punishment with good grace and the knowledge that she deserves it, really really hate on line at times like this, *

Thank You For Loving Me

2009-04-03T16:57:00.001-07:00

Not sure how appropriate this is, when entering into a M/s relationship there is a lot of talk about love and commitment and respect,all things a slave should feel for her Master, that is not to say that a Master should automatically love His slave, He will have respect for them, trust in them and have feelings for them, but love ? Not always, but unless you are clear on that, unless you know that your feelings might be one sided in their intensity then you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointments, this life is not picket fences and rose garden but it is a wonderful way to live if you are submissive.

Love your Master and He in return will love you ............ but in His own way

Always

2009-04-03T16:52:00.001-07:00

Some people say there is no such thing as Always, it does not exist, and they might be right, but if they are should you not live now, should you not take what chances of happiness that you can, let your hopes and dreams be a deciding factor in your quest for a life you deserve.

There might not be an always, but there is always a here and now, and that means more if you live life as you want to

Kittens Newest Love

2009-04-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

kitten will admit that Master is expanding kittens knowledge. kitten thought she would hate this but it became her newest love. Hmmm makes kitten wonder what else she might love. Pillows? Cuddles? Kisses?

* just in case anyone thinks kitten has lost her mind, this post was not hers, it was sneeked in under the disguise of a Bon Jovi clip, and as kitten has said many times, life is never dull around Master but can she say, pillows.... cuddles..... kisses...
eerrrr can kitten say ...... no way batman ?? *

Have A Nice Day

2009-04-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

It seems that some people want to live their life through others, they want to live through the things they say and do that impact on another's life, they try to copy, to imitate and in the end all they have are hollow dreams and no life of their own
kitten has a life, she has a life with Master and she is going to take that life with both hands and live it, she will take what it brings her and she will thrive on it, she will grow with it and she will LIVE so to those who object or question, who want to cause damage, all kitten will say is ... Have A Nice Day

kittens Life

2009-04-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

This is for all the ones who are making comments and remarks about kitten being with Master, for all the ones who love nothing more than to say things and put doubts and questions in kittens mind, for all the ones who think they know better than kitten how she should live her life, who want her to walk away and not look back, no matter at what cost to her or her happiness, to all the people who think she is making a mistake and they know more that she does about Master having not ever spoken to Him at all, to all the ones who cause trouble and thrive on making kittens life hell, this is kittens present to you all.

Kittens Notepad

2009-04-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Well kitten is now at the magic two weeks mark, and time seems to be going so fast she is flying around doing everything she can but getting nothing accomplished, and that is a horrible feeling for someone who usually has her finger on the pulse, add to that some other things and at the moment kitten is not sure if she is standing up or sitting down, really wish she was with Master now, just so she knew that all would be alright, and that there would be nothing that anyone could do to her, nothing could touch her, and if it did Master would be there to instantly know something is wrong.

Kitten is now at the ‘ going through the motions’ stage, she is here but in body only, her mind is over loading and she can’t cope with it so it is better to shut that down and just move through the day, take her list and do what she has written on there, no more, no less, its no good trying to think about things as for some reason nothing is making sense, and those who read this know that kitten has a hard job telling what is bothering her, something she knows annoys Master but old habits die hardest and kitten is really not comfortable with that, hence why she writes, her notepad is her lifeline at times, all the things she thinks, feels, fears, worries about are in there, that is her confessional if you like, the place that does not judge her or make her feel worse, you should try it, its a great release at times.

Kitten went into an old ‘room’ on a friendship site yesterday, the first times in more months than she cares to count, she was asked to go by another as there was talk of closing it down and they were trying to build it up again before it was brought to kitten to close down * it is a room kittens previous Dom created and gave to kitten, so it is up to kitten to close the accounts down * It was really weird, as soon as kitten went in she was the ‘all singing and all dancing ‘kitten from before, she was a plastic person, can’t really explain but the kitten in that place is not the real kitten, she is someone who was invented to be everyones friend, to be the ‘go to ‘ person, to laugh and joke, to be the smart ass and the shoulder to cry on, the agony auntie and the advice column, and to some of them the cyber partner they have always been looking for, but that is not the real kitten, and maybe thats the problem, no one on them sites really want to know the real person behind the name, either that or kitten is getting to cynical and can see most of them for the pretenders/wannabes they really are.

Lol remind kitten to write in her note book, and to make these posts more entertaining, hhhmmm guess teasing Master is on the cards tonight, need a boost and if kitten works on her plan now she might, just might stand a chance, but its really hard when even His cats have a blinking Masters Handbook for Cats, so now she has a Master who has a Master cat, there is no hope really, but guess what cat........... this kitten has the place on the floor by the bed to curl up on, so your out of luck there !!!! kitten thinks being with Master 24/7 is going to be entertaining if nothing else, for B/both of U/us.

Kittens Relationship

2009-03-29T01:23:00.001-07:00

kitten has had a relatively good week end, she has had some hassles with others, but unfortunately for them kitten doesn’t think they realise what they say to her she tells Master, and she knows that they are trying to drive a wedge between Master and kitten, just wish they would leave Him alone and just pick on kitten, and He on the other hand wishes they would just go to Him and leave kitten alone, He hates that they put thoughts into her head, especially as they have never spoken to Him or know Him in any way, but in less then 18 days they will all be proved wrong, and no doubt so will a few others as well.

Talking to Master over the last few days the picture has become clearer, there are many who question why Master wants kitten with Him and why kitten wants to be with Master, well hopefully those reading this will understand a bit better if kitten can try to explain some of those reasons.

Kitten wants Master to be her Master, she wants and needs Him to be her strength, her sanity at times, she wants Him to be the one to tell her what to do and when, to guide her and to teach her, and in return kitten wants to serve Him, to make Him happy, to cook and clean for Him and to make sure He is well, that all He needs for the upcoming day is taken care of, both physically and mentally where possible.

Kitten wants to be His friend, to be someone He can talk and laugh with, to be someone He is comfortable being around without feeling pressured into talking to her or playing with her, she wants to be someone He knows will listen when life is tough and things are not always as He wishes them to be. Kitten wants to be someone He can rely on to always be honest with Him, to have an opinion but know that in the end it will be His opinion that is the one that matters and counts, she wants Him to be able to trust her and know that what she says is the truth always.

Kitten is not looking for more than Master will give, she is looking to Master to be just that, her Master, she has no wish for Him to be her boyfriend, her significant other or her partner, she needs Master to be her Master in all ways.

Kitten also knows that the things she likes Master does as well, she likes the thought of Him taking a crop to her, to Him lifting her skirt to slap her ass, hell even typing this makes her tingle with anticipation, Master likes the idea that a word or a phrase will make her wet with desire, will make her nipples hard and ache to be bitten, He likes the idea that she craves to be tied and used by Him, and this also makes the M/s relationship stronger, the liking of things, the needing of things.

Every M/s relationship is different, and kitten knows that after the fun there needs to be something to hold it together, the more Master and kitten talk and the more they interact the stronger that bond becomes, yes kitten will go to the beach with Master, yes she will go to the movies if He wishes her to go with Him, and yeap she will go to parties and where ever He wishes her to, but that is the point, it will be what He wants when He wants and kitten is so happy about that

kittens thoughts

2009-03-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away.

~ Tom Clancy

Living is the constant adjustment of thought to life and life to thought in such a way that we are always growing, always experiencing new things in the old and old things in the new. Thus life is always new.

~ Thomas Merton

What is kitten ?

2009-03-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

When you read some of the posts and blogs out there, a question that is asked many times is what is a slaves role, what happens after the scene or the sex, when normal life is what surrounds you and you are left alone in a house with your Dom or Master, what then ? What do you do ? Sit in separate rooms ? Chat across a table at meal times only ? Ignore each other until the time He wants to use you again?

Kitten thinks if that was the case, there would be a lot of unhappy Doms and Masters out there, as well as subs and slaves, this might be M/s or D/s but it is still life and that would be pretty boring if there was no interests to hold you together on those quiet times, the times that everyone needs at times. Kitten has learnt some of Masters ‘moods’ she knows when to be quiet and not disturb Him, she knows when He wishes to ask her something or say something He will, and as kitten is happy within herself she is also happy with those quiet times, they are times to reflect on her life and to wonder how she got so lucky.

There are times when Master talks to her and to be honest kitten has no idea what He is speaking about, well that was then, at the moment Master is teaching kitten two separate things, not about BDSM, but these are things that interest Him and so kitten wants to learn, and she is, kitten knows she is not the smartest person but still He is not giving up on her, this to kitten means a lot as usually in the past kitten was not ‘taught’ anything except how to please sexually, but as kitten said, after the sex there is life, and knowing how to give your Master a blow job is good during a scene but what good does it do you in holding down a conversation ?

So what is a slaves place in her Masters life ? To kitten it is to be what He decides, when He decides, a slut when He wants her to be, silent when He needs her to be, a home maker, and no not in that way, but in the way of taking care of His basic needs, cooking washing etc, and being able to hold a conversation when He wants to talk to her.

Kitten is a slave, she is what Master wants her to be when He wants her to be, and that is something she is very happy being, Masters kitten

As Time Draws Closer

2009-03-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

Well the days are counting down, finally kitten is at 21 days till she is with her Master, wow it seems like last week that kitten booked the ticket and now it is only 3 weeks away, is kitten excited ? Is she nervous ? Is she a bit worried ? well the answer is yes to all those and no doubt if kitten let herself think it would be yes to a few more, but at the same time kitten has a longing inside her that she knows will be satisfied, and nope not talking about sex either, she is talking about finally being able to live her life once more.

Some people are subs, some are slaves, some can take to this life so easily and others learn as they progress into it, kitten has learnt over the years, add that to what she feels and what she knows she needs to be happy then she knows that this is her life. Kitten knows there will be problems, the main of which is kittens attitude towards Master at times * think spoilt brat having a hissy fit* and this kitten thinks is because she is online and she has never known it before, and she knows Master is giving her a bit of slack * give her enough and she will hang herself with it* but tonight He said something that made kitten think............. He said “ Imagine you are here already and behave as you know you should “ wow that stopped her in her tracks, she knows she was behaving wrong and she hates that, but what can Master do to her ? Well He gave her a few suggestions, and none of which kitten liked.

That is the difference between real and online, well one of them, kitten has only known real and she will admit to having a few struggles with it, add to that the fact for once in her life * M/s life that is not work life * she has a ‘voice’ as such and she is allowed to express an opinion as long as it is done respectfully, she also has a Master who cares what she is thinking and feeling, again this is new and it scares kitten at times, she has always kept things to herself, she is the one who listens to others problems and doubts, no one has ever really listened to hers. Kitten has some freedom now, weird that, being owned and she has freedom, but she also thinks that she needs the structure as well, and that she will get when she is kneeling before Master. Kitten just hopes He has a large supply of valium, as she has a feeling kitten is going to drive Him nuts, but hopefully in a good way sometimes.

Kitten knows she needs the real time, she needs it to be happy, she needs to serve Master in person, all to often people online think that they are ‘living’ the lifestyle but it is nothing like reality, reality is where you find the sub inside yourself and that is where you learn to be happy,
Confused ? kitten is as well, all she knows is in 21 days she will be kneeling at Masters feet and she can’t wait

Trust Your Instincts

2009-03-24T02:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed there are two sides to everything? There is one side that you believe to be true and one side that someone else tries to convince you is correct? Who do you believe though? Your instincts knowing that what you see and understand given past history is the only logical conclusion or another who has been proven to lie when it suits?

The thing about having two sides to anything is that it will take a third person to believe one of them, and that is then the basis of the final decision, rightly or wrongly, that is then what is believed as fact.

Kitten was told the other day she was smart, and she is, not book smart but street smart as it was, she trusts her instincts, having been ‘bitten’ too many times she is wary of many things and many people, and so far nothing has given her the belief her instincts are unfounded, all kitten knows is she is sick of the childish and pathetic slights that are being bandied about, she thinks it is time for some people to grow up to be honest.

kitten was also told she was being to sensative, that what was done was not aimed at her, maybe and maybe not, who can tell what goes on in anothers mind, all kitten knows is it got the desired effect and kitten was upset and so she left, she missed out on her time with Master and again this will no doubt have pleased someone else as then they had not one to 'compete' against,

In a few weeks kitten has a plane to catch to be with Master, but as things stand at the moment that is not something she is looking forward to as much as she was, He says things will be different but to be honest kitten has doubts about that, and if that is another’s wish to put doubts and uncertainty in kittens mind with the stupid things they are doing then they are certainly getting their desires.

Re reading this it really is a bichy post but that is how kitten feels at the moment and she is getting so fed up with others who see her as a threat, Master is poly, if it was not kitten then it would be someone else, guess when you submit to a poly Master you should really know what it means, jealousy has no place in this relationship and nor should nastiness and sneekiness

Fed Up

2009-03-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

Kitten is in a rebellious mood, she really wants to throw her toys out of her pram and stamp her feet !

Kitten is getting kinda fed up with certain things but having broached the subject with Master already and nothing been done then she knows it is not going to be and that is something she has to live with, doesn’t mean she has to like it but as it is Masters wish things are as they are then kitten has to accept it and not let it get to her, but damn it, it does !

Kitten needs to think things through she thinks, she knows that what appears is not always what is, and she also knows that she is no different to anyone else, no more and no less than others but at times kitten gets the square peg feeling and she cannot shake it, its no good trying to tell Master as kitten herself cannot explain it, not in words that make sense anyway, well sense to others apart from kitten that is.

Guess this is a pity kitten post, but that is not what she wants, she wants answers to questions asked and reasons, both things she has no right to but which might explain things so she can understand them, and with reasons then kitten will understand as at the moment it seems as if she is on the outside and looking in and that no doubt makes some happy but not kitten

Treat Me like a Woman

2009-03-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." ~Anais Nin

Making Choices

2009-03-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

As kitten sits here thinking, she knows that the time is moving faster, drawing closer to the time she can be where she needs to be, she says needs as at the moment she feels as if she is just filling time, she is alive but not living, if that makes sense, and she knows that for one of the few times in her life she is the one making the choices and that, to be perfectly honest, scares the life out of her.

Most of kittens adult life has been dictated by someone else and this time, while still being told what to do, kitten is the one responsible for the choice, and she is scared as so much of her life is now entwined with Master.

Can you imagine trusting someone enough to leave everything behind to be with them ? Can you picture yourself just walking away from everything so you can have the happiness Master says you deserve ? This is what kitten is doing and she does not know if she really deserves to be happy, and at what cost will her happiness be to her and to others ?

Most people want to be happy, kitten is no exception, the problem with kitten is she has got used to being content, there is a difference, to be happy involves more emotions and more feelings, to be content is easier, it means she is just that, content, she accepts what is her life and what it brings for her, she can move through the day without letting feelings and emotions give her a hope or glimpse of what she could have.

Making choices is something kitten hates to do, its something she is not used to and something she is scared she will get wrong, one of the good thing about being with Master is that she will not be making the choices, He will, and then she will know that it is the right decision

Thinking As Time Moves Closer

2009-03-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

As the time for kitten to move to Master gets closer, so the questions and thoughts and fears mount, not fears of being with Him, that is not something that kitten worries too much about as she has always respected Him and knows He will not harm her intentionally, and intentionally is the word, there are times kitten has no doubt that He will hurt her, not physically but mentally as how can He not? Unless you know a person intimately, and then some more, know their very being then there is no way you can avoid hurting with a careless word or unthought-of phrase, but this kitten expects and knows will be dealt with when it arises.

Kittens concern is that she will be part of a Poly family, something she has been before and she knows the pit falls that can happen, and as in previous times, she will be a 24/7 live in slave, the good thing is Master has agreed that kitten can work, something kitten needs to do for her sanity and self esteem, having always worked kitten does not deal with inactivity well, lol even at work kitten is always being told to sit down and stop for 5 minutes !

It is not for the company or interaction that kitten needs to work, she often goes days without leaving the house or talking to anyone except Master and that does not bother her, kitten believe it or not is a solitary person, having been hurt by others in the past and not so distant pass, lies told and things not said or denied have made kitten wary of others, she has no wish to open herself to others any more, and she is not sure if that is something Master will allow, but it is something kitten wishes, being part of a poly family leaves kitten to open and she is not able to deal with that at this time, well she might be able but to be honest she has no wish to deal with it. Always before she has helped others in the family, taken a step back to let them have time when they seemed to be faltering, now she sees that her actions are not reciprocated, and while she never did it for that reason it is something she thinks is part of being a family is about.

A poly family is unlike other families, there should be a feeling of bonding with others and not a feeling of competition, it is not about me me me as in the case of children, it should always be about Master, Master Master and until that is THE focus of all concerned in the family tension and unrest will prevail. We all value the time Master spends with us, but by comparing what one gets as opposed to what you yourself receive will only make feelings of resentment grow, if Master spanks one and not another, so what ! If Master talks more on Monday to one than another Big Deal, people in a poly relationship need to be grateful for what they receive, and by doing stupid things, playing childish games, lying, moaning to others about your life and how it is not fair and in effect making life difficult for others is not a way to stay in a poly family with any happiness, Poly is not for everyone, many think it is but when reality sets in they realise that the green jealousy monster is the over riding emotion, and if you never admit that to yourself then you will never find true happiness.

A M/s relationship comes in many forms, poly is one of them

Square Peg

2009-03-12T01:52:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel you don’t fit in ? that you are a square peg in a round hole ?
Just lately kitten has been feeling those things, she has been re reading some things said to her and more and more she is feeling that she is that square peg, but the thing is, its not kitten that is the square peg at times, confused ? lol welcome to kittens mind.

There are times when kitten knows that she is only half living, that there is a part of her missing, and that part is Master, she needs to serve Him r/t, online is ok as a way of getting to know someone but r/t is where the dream becomes a reality, and the reality is not always what people imagine. This is something kitten yearns for, to serve, to submit, to be once more. Sometimes when kitten sees people in some of the adult sites playing at being a Dom and sub she honestly thinks they believe what their fantasies are is what this life is, omg if only it was like that at times, there would be no periods of silence while Master was with another * true is your Master or Dom is poly* there would be no trying to change who you are to make Him notice you * seen this happen a few times over the years, but the thing they fail to realise is that their Dom or Master accepted their submission based on them as a person, on how they were at that time *

Another thing that is so noticable is when people say one thing but in reality mean another, they talk so well because on line i does not affect them, but in r/t things are just that REAL, so while they can say that they will submit to anothers will with no problem so many of them can't, they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. Another thing that is so noticable is how many on these sites say things because they think they can change the way a Dom or Master is, the image of the picket fence and rose garden is what they want, not a Dom but a boyfriend to go to the movies with or to take walks on the beach with, and this is something that a Dom does do with those they own but it is as a D/s or M/s not as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

kitten has been told by new ones who see her interaction with her Master that she is incapable of love, that is not true, kitten does love her Master, but she also knows that she loves Him as her MASTER, her FRIEND and as her One, she does not love Him as her boyfriend or partner, He will never be that and that is not what kitten wants, its confusing but it is this life, it is not what you see in the chat rooms, this is real and its wonderful if you want it to be.

So what does this have to do with kitten being a square peg ? Well she sees and hears things, she reads and tries to understand what is said and more and more she sees others ideas of what M/s life is and she sometimes wonders if it is her that is wrong ? Have the rules changed and no one told her ? Is she living in the past and how she was taught and what she believed in now obsolete ?

Kitten was taught that this life is not about her, there is no place for a me me me mindset, it is about the One you serve, Their wishes and desires are what matter most, she was also taught that sex was a privilege and not a right, and if she was to be on house cleaning duties for a month while her Master was with another in her freshly made bed then that is how it was to be * sure used to annoy kitten when she had just changed the sheets though * Kitten was taught that the word no was acceptable if she was prepared for the consequences, * learnt that most times it was not worth saying no * Kitten learnt what it felt like to be resented, * remember in some subs eyes kitten was the main sub, as she was married to Him but at times nothing could have been further from the truth * Yet through it all kitten knew she was born to serve another, she had a part of her missing if she was not submissive to her Master and that is how she is feeling now, she needs to submit to Him in r/t, she needs to feel Him around her, and nope not talking cuddles and pillows * private joke and one kitten is praying does not come true * but to feel His strength, His wisdom and His belief in kitten,

So is kitten a square peg ? Not really sure but she knows that if she is then she will do all she can to smooth the edges as she needs to be Masters gattino.

A Thinking Kittens Views

Look In The Mirror

Whats in a Name ?

Another Step Closer

Lip Service

Kitten Thoughts and Feelings

One Year On

Why Do People Have Cyber Courage ?

I am Submissive

Finally Back

Stand

Life Changes

Another Day

Learning to Lean on Master

The Past Is Catching Me

Morning Ramblings

Rambling Thoughts

A Slave in the Vanilla World

This Life As Seen From A 24/7 Viewpoint

Making Comparisons

On The Same Wavelength

Control

Online Fantasies

Blog Posts

Fear

Thinking Too Much

I Need a Spanking !!!!

The Next Step

Parts of Master

Be True To Yourself

Belief in Yourself

Experience and Advice

Thoughts In My Head

Playing Games

One More Day

One Step More

Yesterday

Feeling Tired

Life and the New Year

Reflection Of Your Master

Feeling 'Safe'

I Am Kitten

Trust and Faith in your Master

With Masters Permission

Changes

My Journal

Punishments

I Am Me - No More - No Less

Life Changes

Believe Nothing

Still I Rise

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

The Power of the Mind

Unrealistic Expectations

The Way Life works

Putting Others On A Pedastal

This Life and All it Brings

Serving A Masters Needs

Late Night Thoughts

Collars

New Social Site

Sitting In Slience

Questions

The cost Of This Life

Its All In The Wording

We Always Want More

kittens last post

In Charge

kitten is finally home

Life Quotes

Do You Know Me

kitten is not a slave

Thank You For Loving Me

Always

Kittens Newest Love

Have A Nice Day

kittens Life

Kittens Notepad

Kittens Relationship

kittens thoughts

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou