Stand

I have just finished reading a book called The Freedom Writers Diary and it is an inspirational book with so much inside it but one thing that 'spoke' to me is a poem one of the teenagers wrote to read to the then Secetary of Education Richard Riley .................

Stand

Stay Black
Stay Proud
Stay White
Stay Proud
Stay Brown
Stay Proud
Stay Yellow
Stay Proud

Don't be afraid to be what you are
'cause all you can be is you
You'll never be anything else but you,
So be the best you,you can be
Keep it real
By all means
at all times

Whether a lawyer, a doctor, a football player,
A toilet cleaner, a garbage handler, a panhandler -
Keep it real
And still ---
Be the best you can be

Have pride, have dignity, stand
Stand proud, talk proud, act proud, be proud!

Don't lay down
back down
bow down
run away
sell out yourself, sell into criticism

Be real and realise that the ones who criticize,
best recognize that you are you -
take it or leave it .

"MMM HMM"
I knew you'd get it.
Get what ?
The stuff -
the stuff called pride, that attitude, that aura,
your identity, your self, your pride, peace of mind,
worry free.

See I can't be you, but I'm a damn good ME !

Life Changes

I wrote this last year, just a few short weeks after i arrived here to be with Master.....

There
are many things that kitten thinks of when she thinks of Master, He is
strong, has a body to die for, He is successful in His chosen field, He
is kittens rock when she is scared * been a few of those times* and He
is someone you can rely on to tell you the truth no matter what is
asked of Him, in all He is someone that a person, not just a slave, can
depend on BUT and this might get kitten a few bloody pillows, the one
thing He never fails to do is make kitten smile and laugh.

The other night, one of
the cats * and he knows which one he is, have no doubt kitten had stern
words with him * decided to bring a playmate home. Now for those who
are not aware, kitten is now in Florida, and this is the land of
geikos, snakes and countless other things that either crawl or slither
across the floor it seems and the cat decided it was going to bring one
in, not dead as he rarely kills them. Kitten went into the kitchen to
get Master a drink, and the new playmate ran out from under the
fridge, kitten did what any self respecting kitten would do, a
screaming dance that would rivel those on the TV !

Well kittens scream
brought Master running, think He thought kitten was being murdered, and
there ensued a scene that kitten can only describe as worthy of a
comedy show ! Picture the scene, kitten screaming and running outside,
standing on a bench so it can’t get her * found out afterwards the
bloody things can climb* and a naked Master chasing this thing
around the room with a broom, then in comes the cat, who showed total
disinterest in the scene happening in the kitchen and proceeded to
climb on the nightstand and fall asleep.

Why is kitten posting this you might ask, well for three reasons

1 – To show that no matter what the problem is, a Master will come if you scream

2- A Master is a complex person but a person none the less and will provide safety when He is able

And

3 – It was so bloody funny

The reason i posted this is to show how things change in a year, now we have a gecko living in the house with us, another playmate the cat brought in and got bored with so it hid out under the telly where it now lives, to the extent Master has taken to leaving it bits of celery and lettuce so it has a balanced diet !!!! and yeap we still have the two cats and they totally ignore it !

When i first got here i was one of two slaves Master owned, now i am the only one, during the year we have had a few come to visit and stay with us but not to actually live but we are still hopeful that someone real will come along who wants to be part of our poly family.

I have been with Master a year real time now and apart from some health issues i have been busy, i work full time yet still do the houshold chores and all the shopping, we walk approximatly 2 to 3 miles a day and play tennis 2 to 3 times a week as well, i have felled 4 trees and laid a driveway, learnt to drive on the wrong side of the road and can find my way around the town * based on what shops i have to drive past but lol as a map system it works *

So many changes in my life, so many twists and turns but through them all i have remained faithful to Master and He has protected me and guided me to where i am today. I am kitten no more no less, i am me and that is enough for Master

Another Day

Well i survived, the news while not great was not the worst case senario so i live to fight another day. There are three stages of cell abnormalities it seems - stage 3 being cancer and i have stage 1 so more surgery is in the cards for me it seems. It could be worse though so i am thankful for the small mercies and for the support and strength i have recieved from Master and my friends, that has really meant so much to me, having been through something like this before but for a family member i know first hand what can happen and i will admit i was scared.

On the bright side i am looking forward to all the new things Master has planned, He has so many things that He wants to do/learn/experience i am sure this year is going to be a whirlwind of fun and laughter, lol one of the first things is we are going to learn archery !!! not sure why but i am sure it will be fun, after that its on to the next thing.

Another thing He has planned is meeting a few people that we have been talking to, one couple is coming here and we are going to visit another couple, and lol some of the things Master and this other Master have planned for me and His one is making me tingle thinking about it !!!

I have been really busy today, made a lovely double chocolate birthday cake for Master, it seems i am not the only one with a sweet tooth ! i have wrapped His gifts and i just have to run out this afternoon and collect the last one that has been ordered and then i am all set.

This is my year, this is the year that Master and i can move forward and upwards, to really live life as its meant to be, something to enjoy.

Learning to Lean on Master

Well today's the day, today i find out if i have got the best or worst diagnosis, and i will admit i am scared but it will be what it is and like all things i will deal with it as i need to if the worst is true.
Its strange but having been one to deal with things on my own for so long i am having a hard time letting Master help me, lol very hard ! We have had more than a few words about it but the up shot is He over ruled me and is coming with me to find out the results. In one way i am relieved but in another way i am not, i hate leaning on Him because i know He has enough on His plate without me whining about my health, and if it was something minor then i would not even bother telling Him but this is something i tried to play down but unfortunately the call came about more tests and biopsy's being needed when He was there so that wasn't an option ( i am sure He worked for the Gestapo in a previous life as His interrogation techniques are amazing)
This morning resulted in another 'discussion', another one where i lost i might add and so it is with His support i will find out what is wrong and what happens now, hhhmmm and that i am really not looking forward to.
I have positive thoughts, it will all be ok and then we can move forward to bigger and better things, this is just a blip in the grand scheme of things and we are closer for it and wiser for it as well, things are now in perspective, little things no longer worry me, things said or done are no longer of any importance. Once we get today over with we can finalize plans to meet more local people who are into the same thing Master and i are, we have a few we have been in contact with who are eager to meet and there is a few who we are still in the talking to stage who seem real and want to meet, who knows maybe some new friendships will come out of it, if not then some serious playtimes are on the horizon for us both !!!
It takes a major event to make you appreciate the things you have in life, and even though i have only been real time with Master for just under a year He has proven Himself to me over and over in His support and belief in me, add to that my real friends who have supported me through this and i am a really lucky slave.

The Past Is Catching Me

Do you ever notice how the past has a way of catching up with you ? The when things seem to be going well along it comes to throw a spanner in the works ? Well its happening to me right now and i am not sure how to deal with it.
I had a phone call the other day and it was from my ex - it seems he wants me back. Now that in itself was strange enough but his whole manner and how he was speaking to me really threw me, he was pleasent, mild mannered, enquiring about me and my health * neither him or the children know about my ongoing drama with my health and the tests/biopsys as i didn't think it was fair to burden the kids with that * He wanted to know what i was up to and how i was fairing, was i happy, did i regret leaving the kids, my job and family and friends.
He was dropping very subtle hints and first and when i didn't repsond in the way he wanted he came right out and told me he thought it was time to end this nonsense and come home, he would make sure i was ok and he would look after me. Eeeeeeeerrrrr no thank you, i have been there and done that and it was not nice !!!
Now i will be the first to say that my life here is not perfect, i am really happy with Master, i could not wish for a better man, He is firm but fair, which i need, He is funny, loves to play about * hhmmm He now has this thing with the ice packs which well lets just say ..... damn they are cold * He is loving and seems to know when i need a hug and thats a bonus cos i will never ask for one but there are times unknown to me that i need one and He is SEXY !! He has drive and ambition and finally He is an all round good guy.
But and heres the thing, i miss my family and my kids, i miss my old job and i miss my friends, lol i miss the shops and the food brands * hence why i now weight 130lbs instead of 180lbs * Damn it i even miss the dog and she drove me mad ! I can't say i miss the weather cos its freezing here but i do miss the closeness of things around me. Sometimes i could sit and cry at the sense of loss i feel but then Master says something or looks at me with that twinkle in His eye and i know i made the right decision and all feeling of remorse is thrown out of the window.
I guess i am feeling sorry for myself, i am getting closer to a day i am scared of, its my daughters and my sisters birthday on wednesday, a day of celebration but its also the day i get my biopsy results and thats scary, its also a day i take a test to see if i can get another part time job so i can help more with the finances as Master has some really good ideas which He is looking into and i would love to see them come about.
I know that ex will try to speak to me on wednesday, he knows how emotional i get on the kids birthday, was his call just a paving of the way to try to wear me down ? Who knows, i might be wrong as i haven't told Master yet about the conversation with ex but He is dealing with issues and people of His own and i will not add to His burden.
Sometimes life is a strange thing, the unexpected hits you when you least expect it, i just know i have to stay strong and take the days as they come, wednesday will be my D day in more ways than one i fear.

Morning Ramblings

So much has happened in my life this past two weeks that i am struggling to keep all the negative thoughts from my head, and its hard and not really working to be honest. I have tried to take each day as it comes, looking for the good in it and the good in my life but sometimes its not easy.
I am still trying to deal with this eternal tiredness, i think its my way of shutting things out, of not letting them get to me, closing my eyes and my mind to all that is going on around me through the power of sleep * or in my case near unconsiousness * I know that is not fair to Master but most of the time He is busy so does not notice anyway so its not as if i am failing Him in my duty as His slave.
I am now finally used to not being able to sit on the furniture, i automatically sit on the floor now as is His wish and after a few mishaps getting up * lol its not easy trying to stand when you have your hands cuffed, your balance is way off * i think i might have got the hang of it, so god knows what is next, He is using subtle ways to break my independant streak.
I know this is a sort of blahhhhh post but i will be honest in that the things happening in my life are personal at the moment and not something i feel i can share just yet, next week i will and then maybe people will understand but at the moment i need to just get through each day as best i can, putting all things behind me for another day until i have some sort of answer to a lot of the things in my mind.

Rambling Thoughts

I sit here most days wondering what to write, indeed if i should write at all as really what does it achieve ? Well for me this is a place to put down a watered version of my journal, some of the more generic thoughts and ideas i have whether its refurring to basic life or the new things Master want to try play wise - and He has some GREAT ideas which i am really excited about.

I have heard many times how people are scared of needles and how they spend hours before a blood test moaning and groaning about it but this is something that does not bother me so when Master said He wanted to experiment on me with needles i was all for it - lol i am not stupid, i know that He will ensure i am safe but at the same time He will cater to that pain slut side of me.

He has so many ideas and thoughts about play, the garage is being turned into a play room, He has already made a version of a cross which i get chained to when He wants to use the whip, and the swing He can get from the 6ft whip is WWWOOOWWW !! He is also planning to suspend some chains from the rafters to hang me from, even the though of that makes me ache with desire.

As for the medical issues, well i still have a week to wait for those to come back, and added to all the rest of the stuff going on in my life that is really one thing i could do without, not only me but Master as well 'cos even though He tries to be positive for me He is worried about my health and so is sis, they both 'mother' me in their own ways and for that i love them.

Sometimes things pile up one after the other and it seems that is what is happening right now, we try to be supportive when we can and help and be sympathetic to others but at other times you feel like screaming at them and saying "If only you had half the trouble that i have then you can say something " but as usual we stay quiet and provide that shoulder for others to lean on. One of the thing that comes to mind is my daughter, i feel for her, i know all she is going through and so i listen and am sympathetic, i support her and am there for her, yet deep inside i want to tell her what i am going through but i won't as its not her problem to bear, she is so caught up in herself that she is almost blinded to anything else and i do understand her feelings, what she is experiencing is new and wonderful to her so i am happy for her and will not burden her.

Sometimes life catches up with you and you have no choice but to weather the storms and pray you make it through the other side.