One More Day

I really need to shake this infection off, my kidney feels as if it is on fire and once again i spent a night burning up, lol the only good thing is its so damn cold here in Florida that i spend a lot of time outside in the early hours cooling down so i can get some sleep. I have found that when i am shaking uncontrollably because i am cold then i can sleep if only for a little while before the circle starts again and the fever gets hold of me.

Last night i slept with my cuffs on as normal and this time i had the ankle restraints on as well, they are simple yet very effective, i am comfortable wearing them, hell even had them on when we went out for dinner last night and they were a part of me, who i am,what i am, what i need to be. i know this is not making sense to many people but given the last few days and the things my head has been turning over and trying to sort out it is making sense to Master, hence why He is adding little bits of His control and His 'mark' on me. I am to wear them to work as well, this is ok as i wear trousers and no one will see them but at the same time i will feel them and know i am there because He allows it, sure beats the other option and that is me giving up work which is what He was talking about last week and that is something i really don't want to do but know if He said i had to then i would.



i was looking back and thinking about my life - i have been with Master 10 months now and so much has happened in that short time that at times it scares me. I find myself getting deeper and deeper into my submission to Him, and while we still argue at times it is not as scary as it was in the beginning. He values my opinion and input in all areas of His life and listens to me when i am confused and not certain about things. There are times that i look at my life and it scares me, how easily i have given control over to Him, how even reading a book or watching a film is with His permission after my chores are done, and this is from someone who spent the last 5 years being the one in control and doing what needed to be done to ensure all were safe and happy.

I know this is a 'bitty' post but i have so much going on in my head at the moment that i really need to get clear before i can explain where my ramblings are going - and the weird thing is Master seems to understand this and hence why i am being shown His dominance more and more in little ways, but ways i need to hold on to to help me work things out.

One Step More

Today was one of those days that people have sometimes, days that make you realize you want, no NEED more.

Master chained me and cuffed me with the new cuffs i had made, ankles and wrists, and throat all tied and joined together with spreader bars and chains, and He proceeded to whip,cane,flog,paddle and crop me, all over my back and ass, my legs and tits as well. I came and came over again sometimes with His hand and sometimes with Him rubbing me with the crop or hockey stick hard and fast.

We then had hard and rough sex, and again i came over and over as He told me what a slut i was and how He owned me and that c*&t He was fcking. It was hot and intense and omg so much fun !!

As i lay in bliss after He had been sated i started to think and turning to Him i started to voice my thoughts and try to explain them, He understood but to be honest i am not sure that i really do. The trouble is ........... i want more, no i need more.

I want to go beyond my comfort zone, i want to take the pain and go further, harder, deeper into it, i need to push hard at my limits, i need Him to break me physically - to make me cry and beg. I want no mercy, i crave being used as a slut and something worthless. My self esteem is high enough that i know He can do this to me and still respect me for being who i am. I want/need Him to hurt me while He fcks me and show me no pity, i want Him to realize His desires - to know that what He does to me is because He enjoys it, i know He likes to hold my head down as He fcks my ass, treating me as if i am not worthy of Him but damn that turns me on.

I trust Him enough to know my limits because there are times i don't know them, i don't know when enough is enough and i have faith that He will know that.

He is looking into needle play at the moment, and just the thought of it makes me wet, He knows i am open to anything He wants as i too want to go beyond my comfort zone, but one of the most important things is i will be going there with someone who will know when i am at my limit for that time, and then build on it each time.

Sometimes enough is not enough and we need more, and i am at that stage, i crave more and more.

Yesterday

Well yesterday was a bit of a disaster !!

I had the day off from work and had imagined getting all my chores done and then spending time with Master when He got home from work - WRONG

I managed to get most of my chores done, and even squeezed in an hour to make some more jewelry which i have just started making, and i will be honest it looks really nice. I am learning to use the drimel tool more and more and with some great results so i am happy with my progress so far, and have some great pieces to wear as well !!

Chores done, shopping done, even went to sleep for a couple of hours during the day so i would not feel so drained. It was during the shopping that things went wrong, i met someone who we both knew, Master more than me, and spoke to her and thought that was the end of it, i was pleasant and even though her attitude threw me i thought nothing of it. It was not until i told Master of the chance encounter that things started to go wrong with my day. I will not go into details but needless to say i was left in tears at something He said.

Now the thing with words is - something said might not be meant the way that you take it, and He said something and i took it the wrong way so ended up being both cross and upset, i really thought i had done the right thing by speaking to her and while He acknowledged that i had, the other person was dealing with issues of her own and meeting me was not something she needed at that time. Master apologized for what He said and reaffirmed that i had done nothing wrong but by that time i was in the wrong mindset, questioning myself and those around me, asking why those He interacted with treated me that way. To cut a long story short things were sorted out and we were back on track for an evening spent together, lol again how wrong i was.

I have been feeling more and more tired each day, struggling to get through the day most times and last night was no exception, 9pm found me asleep and burning up with a fever. Master dosed me up with medicines and juice and lay with me for awhile but i was too hot for Him to properly get comfortable * that and the fact i kept pushing the covers off as i was burning up.

So once again my time spent with Master seems to be cut short, it seems if it is not other people interfering in that time it is my own body dictating the events, all i want is some time with Him that is mine but i guess that will have to wait, fingers crossed for tonight after work * if i make it there * Who knows maybe tonight will be our time.

Feeling Tired

I wish i could shake this eternal tiredness that i feel, i feel drained and worn out before the day is half over. I try so hard to stay awake but it takes over me and i fall asleep more or less unwillingly.

Master is so good about it but i know that eventually He will get fed up with it as the time we get together has changed a lot since i started working so each moment is precious to us. I know He has other responsibilities and there are times i return home and He is busy so i wait but a lot of the time i fall asleep before we really get chance to talk or interact and that is not fair to Him and in some ways me either as i cherish the times we spend together.

Working has brought a few of its own problems with it, i find it harder to get into the mindset i need when i return home, i struggle with the feelings of being 'disconnected' a lot of the times and this is something i really cannot understand as before i moved to be with Master i worked full time and ran a household with no trouble, but that is the difference between online and real time i think, with online it doesn't seem 'real' and with r/t it IS real and it is not as easy as people might think to juggle all the balls in the air and not let one drop.

Many people are cut out for online relationships because they are something that does not interfere too much with your real life, the jobs still get done and the tasks you are given are relatively small in comparison to actually taking care of your Master 24/7 - making sure He has a hot meal daily, His clothes are washed and pressed, the house is clean and orderly, the garden is neat and tidy are just a few of the tasks you have all of which you cannot do when you are online.

When you add others to the mix there can be feelings of resentment, a feeling of "Why am i doing all the work and they are getting all the pleasure ?" but it is not your choice who does what, a Master uses those He owns to His advantage and if one is a better cook than another He will obviously make the most of those skills regardless of whether it seems one is doing it all and another doing nothing.

The life of a slave is not an easy one and defiantly not one that can be picked up and put down at her/his whim, it is an all or nothing relationship and even though there are times that things get to much for you, when you seem to struggle more than you thought you ever would it is a great way to live if you are committed to it, it offers you strength and security, love and peace with yourself. Being a slave is not for everyone but for those who choose this as their way of life it IS their life, with all the ups and downs it brings.

Life and the New Year

Sitting here thinking over the last few months its amazing how my life has changed, i am now working which is something i have wanted to do since i arrived her, unfortunatly circumstances made that a long drawn out process but finally with all things being worked out i am now employed and finding my feet in the land of the working. I will not lie and say its easy, i am finding it hard to do all the chores i need to do and work full time and still have the energy to interact with Master when i get home, and, bless Him, He is staying up later so we can have some time together.

I am tired all the time, a recent visit to the doctors informed me that my blood pressure is too low and i am anemic, and i have lost another 7lbs since my last visit * and trust me i am not trying to lose weight- add to that the test results that came back abnormal and them booking me in for a biopsy to decide what to do next and my stress levels and energy levels are not on the same rung of the ladder !!

The new year is here and with it a new chapter in my life, i know it will be full of ups and downs, i am not naive enough to believe it will all be sunshine and roses, it is life and as such it will take many twists and turns but i know if i am committed to living my life as His slave, to always striving to do my best then when the hard times hit i will be secure in the knowledge that He will support me and give me the protection and comfort i need.

Reflection Of Your Master

The other day i was at home cleaning and just doing the usual chores around the house when Master called and told me He had left some keys He needed in the drawer and could i bring them to His office so without thinking i got in the car and drove to His office. When i arrived at His office i waited in the car and text Him that i was there, now i have been in His office many times and met His co-workers so why did i not just take them in ? The reason was i was dressed in my 'cleaning clothes' - old faded jeans and a sloppy.

Master came out and collected the keys and looking at His watch He told me to hang around for a little while and then we would go to lunch together, i was in turmoil, i wanted to go to lunch with Him but i was not dressed to be seen in public with Him. Seeing the turmoil on my face He asked what was wrong and i told Him, i was not comfortable being out with Him dressed as i was, i am a reflection on Him not only in my behavior but in my attire as well and while i was dressed ok for cleaning i was in no way dressed to go to lunch with Him. Looking me over He said i was fine and the fact i was aware of my clothes and how i was dressed was a good thing, that He would not be concerned about it this once.

Dutifully i sat in the car for a little while as He finished up a meeting and when He had done He came out again and said He had a few calls to make, jumping on this i asked if it was possible for me to meet Him at the restaurant and go home to shower and change, that way i could go to work from lunch and save time for us both. He smiled and agreed, telling me that He understood how uncomfortable i was feeling.

I drove home, showered and dressed and met Him at the restaurant an hour later, dressed smartly and with my hair and make up in place.We had a lovely lunch, full of laughter and teasing and talking after which i went to work and He returned to His office.

The reason i am writing this is all to many times people forget they are a reflection on their Masters or Doms. Their attitude, their attire and their compliance to do things are all things that are reflected back onto their Masters. How much pride can a Master have in a slave who walks around Walmart in their pj's ? Or who attends a munch and spends the evening drawing attention to themselves with their loud and often bragging tirade about themselves ? Or who is given tasks to do and then spends a week moaning and bitching about how it will never work without even trying to complete it ?

We are a reflection of our Owners, we are a 'testiment' to them as Masters and Doms and how we carry ourselves and how we act are all parts of what a Master can take pride in, and i know that i for one want my Master proud of me. Remember that next time you go to the store, to a munch or even to lunch, how can a Master take pride in us if we are not taking pride in ourselves ?

Feeling 'Safe'

I here many people say that their collar gives them a sense of security and it helps to bring them closer to their Master or Dom and while my Master does not believe in a collar i also have something that i 'need' * for want of a better word * to give me the feeling of security and well being, especially if He is away or i am feeling lost or uncertain.

I have a set of handcuffs that i wear while i am in the house, as soon as i enter i am required to put them on and they stay on until i leave the house again, only to be worn again when i return. The cuffs are my 'safety net' they help me to focus and get things into perspective. I have recently started work again and in my job i am responsible for myself, my performance and my abilities cannot be dictated to me by my Master and i will admit i have been struggling to remove that 'independent streak' that i have had to have while working and so i have been finding it more and more difficult to get myself back into the space i need when i come home, yet as soon as the cuffs go on i feel the connection and the bond to Master, they help me to refocus my mind and know that i am only working because Master allows it, that i am a part of His life even if He is out with others, that no matter what the circumstances are in my life i am still His slave.

All too often things happen and i have no control over them, yet while i have my cuffs around my wrists i get the sense of well being, that things will be ok and this is just a bump in the road, maybe i am giving the cuffs too much power and the real growing and learning is coming from me, i don't know, all i know is that the cuffs are my security blanket at the moment and they are powerful in that they hold so much meaning for me.