Trust and Faith

What is it about marks and bruises on my body that I really enjoy? Is it the intensity of the play ? The feeling of complete abandonment ? The trust and faith I give to the Dominant as He uses various things on my body, each one designed to make me want more ? Is it the feeling of submission, knowing that I am giving Him something that cannot be taken from me ?

I love the first strike, then as the scene progresses the 'burning' sensation that covers me, and if Master is concentrating on one area the sharp pain which turns to a hot ache as that area is struck repeatedly, yet as i lay there with my eyes closed and my hands bound i have no fear, i know deep inside that He will not hurt me and that sounds really weird as this Man is paddling me and whipping me hard enough to leave welt marks and raised skin, to bring the blood to the surface and almost cause it to flow but fear is never an emotion i think of in association with Him

I have at times made Him so cross that He is in my face shouting and swearing at me, He has banished me from His sight, He has walked away from me to calm Himself down or ignored me for hours on end - yet still i did not fear for my safety.

The faith and trust a slave puts in her Master, regardless of whether she is one who enjoys paddling or not is one of the basic foundations of this lifestyle, she has to trust that He will keep her safe and not hurt her, she has to have faith that even during the hight of play He will be in control enough to know what is enough for her, she is putting her life in His hands and she needs to believe that He will always do His best to protect and guide her, without the basic trust and faith in her Master these simple things become a struggle for the slave, she will have doubts and fears that unless she believes in Him 100% will not leave her and so taint the whole relationship.

People in any form of relationship need these basic foundations, but they are more important in a BDSM M/s relationship as there is an element of 'danger' in the play times, the whips and canes can do real damage to a person and unless you have complete faith in your Master you will not allow yourself the freedom to explore all that this lifestyle can hold.

There are times when things are said and done and that trust and faith is shaken, doubts creep in and confusion takes over but deep down, in the very core of a person there has to be trust, without that there is no moving forward, no growing, no relationship.

Just as important for a submissive to trust the Dominant it is vital that the Dominant trusts the sub - its a two way street. If the Dominant doesn't trust or have faith in the submissive it causes untold problems. If he is one that always looks to her to blame regardless, always sees her as the one in the wrong, prejudging her without cause or question then that trust is missing and that is a step on the road to relationship ruin. Just as a submissive needs to have faith and trust in her Dominant then he also needs to have the same. Its how a relationship works .................

Change

Change is something everyone looks for in their life. Whether it be living standards, job situation, advancement, having a family or a host of other things, we as people look to change as that allows us to grow and move onwards to being the person we want to be.

In the BDSM world we look at subs/slaves growing, expanding their limits, their knowledge, their depth of service, any number of things really. The emphasis is on them growing and learning more, being more, submitting more to their 'One'. This is something we all want to do and strive to learn the lessons being taught, the tasks set are there to help us. The rules and boundries there to guide us.

What about the Dominants though ? When all the emphasis is on the submissive to change who and what they are, their behavior and demeanor, alter some things that have either been taught or are habits learnt over the years then what about the Dominants ? Who tells them that they need to change as well ?

If a submissive says to a Dominant that his behavior is wrong, that something he is doing or not doing is damaging to them, that how be treats or interacts with them is not what was promised then she is accused of topping from the bottom yet who else really knows that person better than the one serving them ?

I can understand and accept that a lot of times Dominants do things ' Just because they can' whether thats in how they interact ( or don't interact in some cases ) with their submissives, be it in how they treat them, talk to them, set rules and tasks that are virtually impossible to test them it doesn't make it right does it ? Some times the " I can so I will " attitude is blinding them to what they actually are doing to themselves, the submissive and the relationship. Being a Dominant is not a free pass to being a god. By the same token its not an excuse to be an ass either.

All people need to change, for the Dominant to instruct the submissive to change and grow and learn is a wonderful thing if done in the right way. It opens them up to new experiences and learning possibilities. Done in the wrong way with anger and abusive language, with no guide lines and no support and concern for them is a one way street to disaster as all it will do is destroy the self esteem and self worth of the submissive, leaving them nervous and anxious that no matter what they do will be wrong.

In my experience all submissives want to be their best, they strive long and hard to be pleasing and 'worthy' of their Dominant ......... unfortunatly that is not true for all Dominants, the attitude is they are perfect and never in need of learning and changing themselves and especially not for a submissive - hell have even heard the words said ' I am a Master so what do I need to change for, if you don't like it there are plenty more out there who will do as I tell them, when I tell them and how I tell them with no questions asked'

So who tells the Dominant that their behavior needs changing ?

Psychological Damage

I was reading a post the other day about safety and play etc. One of the sections dealt with psychological damage that can be done to a submissive during play, how pushing them during a scene can cause untold damage if they are not in the right frame of mind. This got me to thinking ........ what is psychological damage and why do people assume its only done during play scenes ? What about the damage a Dominant can and does do to a submissive during 'normal' everyday interaction ?

There are some people who enjoy humiliation play during a scene, they enjoy being degraded and called names etc DURING A SCENE as they know tht what is being said is not how the Dominant really feels towards them, but if they were to be called those names outside of the scene then the damage done to the slaves self esteem and sense of self worth would be great - that is psychological damage.

How about the promises that a Dominant makes to his submissive, and then breaks then continually, does that not also become psychological damage ? After all the submissive is supposed to trust and have faith in the Dominant so if things said and promised are continually broken or ignored then does that not lead to damage to the submissive ?

As a form of punishment some Dominants choose to ignore their subs/slaves, but what if they choose to ignore them for no reason, is that not classed as psychological damage ? After all it is a submissives wish to interact and communicate with her Dominant, its something all the posts say, communication is key and vital, so to remove that for no reason is damaging to both the submissive and the relationship.

Psychological Damage is something that is done to the mind, it can be something that happens in a scene just once or it can be repeated behavior towards a person over a length of time. Both of them leave lasting marks and unlike the marks left by a whip or a crop these take longer to heal. The trust takes longer to rebuild, the actions take longer to forget and submissives especially are living in fear of the pattern and behavior being repeated over and over ........

People say that no one can make another person feel something, be that fear, uncertainty, unworthyness, desperation etc etc but that is not true. When a person has been treated in a certain way over a period of time that behavior is leads to feeling within another person......... kick a dog everytime you see it and before long that dog will cower every time it sees you......... the same goes for a person, display certain behavior towards another and they will expect it all the time - good and bad ....... and the bad is how psychological damage is caused..........

Sometimes

Expectations

What as a sub/slave is realistic to expect from "your" Dom or Master ?

What really is an expectation ?

Is it something that you as a submissive wish for or is it something that is expected or is it merely something that the Dom/Master says and you hold them to it ?

I am someone who places a lot of faith in words and actions, believing that the words really do need to match the actions as otherwise do the words not become meaningless ?

When I am told that something is going to happen, that something is going to be such and such a way I tend to believe that as I am being told something from the other persons own free will and so have no reason to expect any different. In fact I have many times tried to give them an 'out' as it was so that if they could not do what they have said then they can say so from the beginning.

So is it an unrealistic expectation to want what is said to be what happens ?

No its not, its hoping and wishing that the actions match the words ................

Strong

Laying The Groundwork

When you travel through the many BDSM and M/s D/s blogs available online one of the common themes that seems to be mentioned a lot is that communication is vital between all parties involved. Primarily before the 'relationship' can move forward both parties talk, work together with regard to limits, expectations, desires, needs, rules etc etc. This is the foundation for all relationships and hopefully helps to build a strong and stable base for all. If the differences are too vast then obviously the people involved can and should make an informed choice as to whether to try to proceed forward or the things wanted by either party are too different to make things work so that both parties are happy.

Thats in the beginning of the relationship. Hopefully this will set the groundwork for all future communication and help to strengthen the relationship.

So what happens when/if things go wrong ?

What happens is things get to the stage that the Master and slave split up because the foundation of their relationship has changed and one party is no longer happy and not getting their needs met? What happens if both parties decide that it is better to separate temporarily with the hope of rebuilding what they had ? What happens to that first initial communication ?

If the above circumstances are true, the separation is temporary and both parties have a deep love for each other and the desire for the M/s relationship to work, then does the slave have the 'right' to say what it is she wants/needs/desires/expects from the Master ? After all, they have an intimate knowledge of each other, they know each others quirks and habits, BUT they also know each others flaws and behavior patterns so is the slave allowed to voice what she is looking for from the Master so previous problems are alleviated and addressed to ensure that both parties come back together stronger and happier ?

People are quick to advise new subs and slaves to talk and set out basics when meeting a potential new Dom or Master yet no one seem to feel the same applies to a relationship that has broken and the parties involved are seeking to repair it. Surely the Master and slave involved SHOULD talk and work out what went wrong and what each feels helped towards the split ? Were there other people involved ? Did behavior towards each other change ? Were needs being met and if not then in what way ? What are they looking for in each other ? What expectations do they have moving forward ?

All to often its easy for the Master to place all the blame on the slave, after all He is Master so how He decides to treat the slave is up to Him. As the Dominant it is His prerogative to decide and use the slave as He sees fit and thats fine IF the slave is happy and fulfilled being treated that way. If not then if a break up and a reconciliation is being worked on the slave needs to be able to say what it is she is looking for from the Master. What He neglected/changed/altered to bring them to the currant state just as the Master has the right to state what about the slave He wants different. After all, this is the first step in the building of a strong foundation if the parties involved are new to each other so why should it be different if they are trying to reconcile ?

I am not stupid enough to think that things will not change in life. Life does not stand still and circumstances do change. People grow and things agreed and talked about in the beginning might not be relevant 5 years down the line. BUT and heres the thing, if things go wrong and one party is not happy then they should have their voice heard and that voice should be listened to and heard. They should not be degraded and humiliated and told they are topping from the bottom. They should be talked to and worked with. If there are behavior problems then they should be addressed and corrected not ignored and then thrown into their face at a later date. Rebuilding a relationship takes a lot of work, just as maintaining a relationship takes a lot of work. All to often its easy to blame the submissive as otherwise it means the Dominant has to look at their behavior and what THEY did wrong and accept and learn from it, not an easy thing for them to do. The slave should be able to state what it is she wants/needs/desires from the Master. To ask questions and get honest answers. To be able to say what she see for the future and whether that is something He wants as well otherwise what is the point in proceeding ? If the end goal for both of them is different? Where does that leave the relationship if its being build on misconceptions and going in different directions and the 'end' result is not the same for both ?

Love is a great first step in rebuilding a deep and meaningful relationship but it also takes communication, commitment, hard work, self examination, growth, honesty, faith and no outside interference to make it work. When all these are present then yes I do believe it can be worked on and fixed and the result is a stronger, healthier relationship.