Strong

Thinking Too Much

Do you ever get those days when you know things are going to be wrong ? Those type of days when you wake up and you instantly can tell that there is going to be some sort of 'fall out' before the day is done ? Thats how i woke this morning and i hate it !!

I never slept much last night, too many thoughts in my head and they all seemed to mingle together. I have a fear of hospitals and i really am not looking forward to tomorrow and that is scaring me, tried to tell Master last night but unfortunately i got the " Do not let fear control you " speech, not what i wanted to hear ! * mind you He is ill so i might forgive Him for that*

My life seems to be changing so much lately and i am not sure if its a good thing or not, so many things and people now are coming into it or leaving it and for some reason i am viewed as a threat to a few of them, it is not my choice in what Master does so why do others assume that i have any influence over what He is doing and with whom ?

They say change is good but there are times when changes are needed and there are times when i want things to stay the same, that safety in familiarity is what i crave yet as with all things the world keeps turning and people keep changing and it seems that most of the time we are just along for the ride.

I know that things will all work out as they are meant to, what happens tomorrow is how things are supposed to be, the results will be as they are meant to be and the biopsy will come back clear so i can just out this behind me and move on to the next challenge that is my life. Funny how saying it and believing it are two totally different things

I Need a Spanking !!!!

I need a spanking ! For no other reason than because i want one.

Master has put me on a two week spanking ban due to my having to go to the hospital and He does not want any ramifications for my having a whipped, bruised ass which while i can understand that - boy ooohhh boy do i miss the paddle !!

I have been a week now without a spanking * or a crop/flogger/whip hell without ANYTHING marking my body* and i really miss it. Its weird, when i was with my online master i never craved it or missed it as much as i do now, the feelings and sensations Master can and does give me are intense and in some ways for me a spanking is as necessary as breathing at times.

I have at least a week to go before Master even considers using anything on me and that will be the longest week of my life, but that is the minimum amount of time, depending on the operation and biopsy results it could be longer and damn it i am not looking forward to that at all !!!!

I am not a 'cuddly' person and am not one to ask to be held when things get on top of me, i am more likely to ask for a spanking than a cuddle but i am finding myself cuddling more and more because i can't have that release i so crave, Master loves that and i will be honest i am becomming more used to that idea, lol He now calls me His soppy slave ! * Dream on Batman its only temporary*

I am counting down the minutes till i can feel that deep burning sensation as the whip cuts across my back, or that sharp sting as the cane lands on me, and do not even get me started on the pleasure my body will experience when finally the paddle is laid to rest across my ass - damn it I NEED A PADDLING !!!!

Changes

My Journal

A Master can and does control all of His slaves life - the extent of that control is up to the Master, and nothing is off limits. A Master has the right to dictate what a slave wears, indeed if she actually wears anything * Master insists that i am naked in the house at all times*,what she eats, if she is to large He has the right to insist on her dieting, if her hair is too long He has the right to make her have it cut, and so the list goes on, but what about her thoughts ?

A slave will think, and those thoughts are not always ones that she wants, likes or indeed can process properly, like all people thoughts of one thing can lead to another and another and before long everything is a jumbled mess and the slave can see no way forward, her thoughts are keeping her prisoner in her mind and body.

I have a diary that i write in everyday, my hopes, fears, thoughts,feelings, my frustrations, my confusion, all the things that worry me are written into this journal and it does help a bit.

Master 'caught' me writing in it a couple of weeks ago and insisted on reading it - this threw me into panic -this was mine, my writing, my fears and now i had to share them ? no way did i want to do that but after pointing out that i am a slave and so everything that i think is mine is only mine through His grace * hate it when His logic is correct* so reluctantly i handed it over then ran outside, hiding from Him and His reactions to my words.

After reading it He called me in and sat me down, the look on His face not angry like i had expected but understanding, and with the book in His hand He started to read passages from it, after each one asking me why i felt/thought/imagined that particular thing.

Tears flowed, my face burnt, i will be the first to admit i was not nice to everyone in my writings, but remember this was MY thoughts and feeling so i felt i didn't need to censor them as no one was going to read them but me * ok so i was wrong* We talked, discussed all the things i had written, all the things that were jumbled in my mind, all the things i could not seem to understand and then we talked of ways to dispel those feelings and fears. I am not saying it was a miraculous recovery but it was not as awful as i had thought it would have been.

I have been ordered to write each day into the journal, i am to write everything in there, all the things that i try to keep hidden inside, and He is going to read it - at the moment i am 'safe-ish' because i am writing when He is busy and i tell Him it is not finished but i know that tonight He will be reading it and that fills me with dread, the things i have been writing are ramblings of a really confused mind, and i know that He will want to discuss that, but the thing is, if i knew the answers to the questions that plagued me they would not be questions or doubts and fears would they ?

The life of a slave is a very complex one, and full of ups and downs