My Journal

A Master can and does control all of His slaves life - the extent of that control is up to the Master, and nothing is off limits. A Master has the right to dictate what a slave wears, indeed if she actually wears anything * Master insists that i am naked in the house at all times*,what she eats, if she is to large He has the right to insist on her dieting, if her hair is too long He has the right to make her have it cut, and so the list goes on, but what about her thoughts ?

A slave will think, and those thoughts are not always ones that she wants, likes or indeed can process properly, like all people thoughts of one thing can lead to another and another and before long everything is a jumbled mess and the slave can see no way forward, her thoughts are keeping her prisoner in her mind and body.

I have a diary that i write in everyday, my hopes, fears, thoughts,feelings, my frustrations, my confusion, all the things that worry me are written into this journal and it does help a bit.

Master 'caught' me writing in it a couple of weeks ago and insisted on reading it - this threw me into panic -this was mine, my writing, my fears and now i had to share them ? no way did i want to do that but after pointing out that i am a slave and so everything that i think is mine is only mine through His grace * hate it when His logic is correct* so reluctantly i handed it over then ran outside, hiding from Him and His reactions to my words.

After reading it He called me in and sat me down, the look on His face not angry like i had expected but understanding, and with the book in His hand He started to read passages from it, after each one asking me why i felt/thought/imagined that particular thing.

Tears flowed, my face burnt, i will be the first to admit i was not nice to everyone in my writings, but remember this was MY thoughts and feeling so i felt i didn't need to censor them as no one was going to read them but me * ok so i was wrong* We talked, discussed all the things i had written, all the things that were jumbled in my mind, all the things i could not seem to understand and then we talked of ways to dispel those feelings and fears. I am not saying it was a miraculous recovery but it was not as awful as i had thought it would have been.

I have been ordered to write each day into the journal, i am to write everything in there, all the things that i try to keep hidden inside, and He is going to read it - at the moment i am 'safe-ish' because i am writing when He is busy and i tell Him it is not finished but i know that tonight He will be reading it and that fills me with dread, the things i have been writing are ramblings of a really confused mind, and i know that He will want to discuss that, but the thing is, if i knew the answers to the questions that plagued me they would not be questions or doubts and fears would they ?

The life of a slave is a very complex one, and full of ups and downs

Believe Nothing

Wise words indeed

kitten is finally home

Firstly kitten needs to apologise, she has been lax in posting on here if only for the fact she has been busy and for that she is sorry,

By now you will know that kitten is with Master, she is living with Him as His property, His slave and that is something that has been two fold for her, in one way it is like coming home, and in another way it is like leaning to live again, both coming together to make kittens life more complete.

There have been a few times over the past three weeks that kitten has had doubts, not with Master but with life situations and they have been worked on and all the fears have been discussed and a solution has been worked out, kitten is not daft enough to believe that the teething problems have been all she will face but as long as kitten has Master to talk things through with then she is sure there are no problems she cannot deal with.

When kitten got off the plane she was shaking, for so long she had heard that Master and her sister were playing her, were taking her for a fool, yet not once did kitten get that impression from Him in all her interactions, but as with all things, if you listen to something enough you will start to have doubts, well there are no doubts now, Master is all that He said He was and in some ways more.

Kitten has learnt that Master has a wicked sense of humour * usually to kittens cost * and the sound of Him laughing fills the house on a regular basis, that said, He also has a serious side that you can talk with, ask advice * something kitten is still learning to do and to be honest not doing to well at, is harder to hide what kitten is thinking or feeling though now that He is along side kitten daily*and the serious side is one which is can be depended on to give you honest unbiased opinions and advice.

Play times * not really anyone’s business but kitten knows there are still a few doubters* are wonderful, going to the beach and trying to cover a bruised ass and tits makes for an interesting outfit combination !! Why cover them up ? Because society does not readily understand this life and kitten does not want people to look at Master and judge Him, that said, the getting of the bruises is wonderful and something kitten feels is part of her, something she loves and at times needs to be able to free her mind from all the thinking she does. There is another way that kitten settles her mind, its unfortunately not for anyone else’s knowledge apart from the fact Master says kitten better not be unsettled at the mall or W/we could B/both end up in jail !! Again this is something Master knows when kitten needs and at the moment He is allowing it, while at the same time working on other methods for her to feel the safety net around her.

There is so much that kitten could and should write but where do you stop ? What do you say and not say ? All kitten can say with 100% certainty is that she is Masters kitten 24/7 and that is like coming home, to a life and a Master who completes kittens life, and that kitten can never express enough

Do You Know Me

Do You know me?
Do You wish to ?
Do You know my thoughts
What things run through my head
Do You know my fears
What makes me doubt the most
Do You know my strongest desires
What makes me yearn the most
Do You know what makes me smile
What makes me laugh with joy
Do You know what makes me sad
What makes me weep in pain
Do You know my dreams
What goals in life i strive for
Do You know my inner passions
What makes me feel alive
Do You know how much i crave
What my cravings are
Do You know my past
What makes me who i am
Do You know my future
What will make me who i wish to be
Do You know my preferences
What makes me ache the most
Do You know my tastes
What things i love to hear
Do You know Me
Do You wish to ?

Kittens Notepad

Well kitten is now at the magic two weeks mark, and time seems to be going so fast she is flying around doing everything she can but getting nothing accomplished, and that is a horrible feeling for someone who usually has her finger on the pulse, add to that some other things and at the moment kitten is not sure if she is standing up or sitting down, really wish she was with Master now, just so she knew that all would be alright, and that there would be nothing that anyone could do to her, nothing could touch her, and if it did Master would be there to instantly know something is wrong.

Kitten is now at the ‘ going through the motions’ stage, she is here but in body only, her mind is over loading and she can’t cope with it so it is better to shut that down and just move through the day, take her list and do what she has written on there, no more, no less, its no good trying to think about things as for some reason nothing is making sense, and those who read this know that kitten has a hard job telling what is bothering her, something she knows annoys Master but old habits die hardest and kitten is really not comfortable with that, hence why she writes, her notepad is her lifeline at times, all the things she thinks, feels, fears, worries about are in there, that is her confessional if you like, the place that does not judge her or make her feel worse, you should try it, its a great release at times.

Kitten went into an old ‘room’ on a friendship site yesterday, the first times in more months than she cares to count, she was asked to go by another as there was talk of closing it down and they were trying to build it up again before it was brought to kitten to close down * it is a room kittens previous Dom created and gave to kitten, so it is up to kitten to close the accounts down * It was really weird, as soon as kitten went in she was the ‘all singing and all dancing ‘kitten from before, she was a plastic person, can’t really explain but the kitten in that place is not the real kitten, she is someone who was invented to be everyones friend, to be the ‘go to ‘ person, to laugh and joke, to be the smart ass and the shoulder to cry on, the agony auntie and the advice column, and to some of them the cyber partner they have always been looking for, but that is not the real kitten, and maybe thats the problem, no one on them sites really want to know the real person behind the name, either that or kitten is getting to cynical and can see most of them for the pretenders/wannabes they really are.

Lol remind kitten to write in her note book, and to make these posts more entertaining, hhhmmm guess teasing Master is on the cards tonight, need a boost and if kitten works on her plan now she might, just might stand a chance, but its really hard when even His cats have a blinking Masters Handbook for Cats, so now she has a Master who has a Master cat, there is no hope really, but guess what cat........... this kitten has the place on the floor by the bed to curl up on, so your out of luck there !!!! kitten thinks being with Master 24/7 is going to be entertaining if nothing else, for B/both of U/us.

Kittens Relationship

kitten has had a relatively good week end, she has had some hassles with others, but unfortunately for them kitten doesn’t think they realise what they say to her she tells Master, and she knows that they are trying to drive a wedge between Master and kitten, just wish they would leave Him alone and just pick on kitten, and He on the other hand wishes they would just go to Him and leave kitten alone, He hates that they put thoughts into her head, especially as they have never spoken to Him or know Him in any way, but in less then 18 days they will all be proved wrong, and no doubt so will a few others as well.

Talking to Master over the last few days the picture has become clearer, there are many who question why Master wants kitten with Him and why kitten wants to be with Master, well hopefully those reading this will understand a bit better if kitten can try to explain some of those reasons.

Kitten wants Master to be her Master, she wants and needs Him to be her strength, her sanity at times, she wants Him to be the one to tell her what to do and when, to guide her and to teach her, and in return kitten wants to serve Him, to make Him happy, to cook and clean for Him and to make sure He is well, that all He needs for the upcoming day is taken care of, both physically and mentally where possible.

Kitten wants to be His friend, to be someone He can talk and laugh with, to be someone He is comfortable being around without feeling pressured into talking to her or playing with her, she wants to be someone He knows will listen when life is tough and things are not always as He wishes them to be. Kitten wants to be someone He can rely on to always be honest with Him, to have an opinion but know that in the end it will be His opinion that is the one that matters and counts, she wants Him to be able to trust her and know that what she says is the truth always.

Kitten is not looking for more than Master will give, she is looking to Master to be just that, her Master, she has no wish for Him to be her boyfriend, her significant other or her partner, she needs Master to be her Master in all ways.

Kitten also knows that the things she likes Master does as well, she likes the thought of Him taking a crop to her, to Him lifting her skirt to slap her ass, hell even typing this makes her tingle with anticipation, Master likes the idea that a word or a phrase will make her wet with desire, will make her nipples hard and ache to be bitten, He likes the idea that she craves to be tied and used by Him, and this also makes the M/s relationship stronger, the liking of things, the needing of things.

Every M/s relationship is different, and kitten knows that after the fun there needs to be something to hold it together, the more Master and kitten talk and the more they interact the stronger that bond becomes, yes kitten will go to the beach with Master, yes she will go to the movies if He wishes her to go with Him, and yeap she will go to parties and where ever He wishes her to, but that is the point, it will be what He wants when He wants and kitten is so happy about that

kittens thoughts

Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away.

~ Tom Clancy

Living is the constant adjustment of thought to life and life to thought in such a way that we are always growing, always experiencing new things in the old and old things in the new. Thus life is always new.

~ Thomas Merton

As Time Draws Closer

Well the days are counting down, finally kitten is at 21 days till she is with her Master, wow it seems like last week that kitten booked the ticket and now it is only 3 weeks away, is kitten excited ? Is she nervous ? Is she a bit worried ? well the answer is yes to all those and no doubt if kitten let herself think it would be yes to a few more, but at the same time kitten has a longing inside her that she knows will be satisfied, and nope not talking about sex either, she is talking about finally being able to live her life once more.

Some people are subs, some are slaves, some can take to this life so easily and others learn as they progress into it, kitten has learnt over the years, add that to what she feels and what she knows she needs to be happy then she knows that this is her life. Kitten knows there will be problems, the main of which is kittens attitude towards Master at times * think spoilt brat having a hissy fit* and this kitten thinks is because she is online and she has never known it before, and she knows Master is giving her a bit of slack * give her enough and she will hang herself with it* but tonight He said something that made kitten think............. He said “ Imagine you are here already and behave as you know you should “ wow that stopped her in her tracks, she knows she was behaving wrong and she hates that, but what can Master do to her ? Well He gave her a few suggestions, and none of which kitten liked.

That is the difference between real and online, well one of them, kitten has only known real and she will admit to having a few struggles with it, add to that the fact for once in her life * M/s life that is not work life * she has a ‘voice’ as such and she is allowed to express an opinion as long as it is done respectfully, she also has a Master who cares what she is thinking and feeling, again this is new and it scares kitten at times, she has always kept things to herself, she is the one who listens to others problems and doubts, no one has ever really listened to hers. Kitten has some freedom now, weird that, being owned and she has freedom, but she also thinks that she needs the structure as well, and that she will get when she is kneeling before Master. Kitten just hopes He has a large supply of valium, as she has a feeling kitten is going to drive Him nuts, but hopefully in a good way sometimes.

Kitten knows she needs the real time, she needs it to be happy, she needs to serve Master in person, all to often people online think that they are ‘living’ the lifestyle but it is nothing like reality, reality is where you find the sub inside yourself and that is where you learn to be happy,
Confused ? kitten is as well, all she knows is in 21 days she will be kneeling at Masters feet and she can’t wait

Thinking As Time Moves Closer

As the time for kitten to move to Master gets closer, so the questions and thoughts and fears mount, not fears of being with Him, that is not something that kitten worries too much about as she has always respected Him and knows He will not harm her intentionally, and intentionally is the word, there are times kitten has no doubt that He will hurt her, not physically but mentally as how can He not? Unless you know a person intimately, and then some more, know their very being then there is no way you can avoid hurting with a careless word or unthought-of phrase, but this kitten expects and knows will be dealt with when it arises.

Kittens concern is that she will be part of a Poly family, something she has been before and she knows the pit falls that can happen, and as in previous times, she will be a 24/7 live in slave, the good thing is Master has agreed that kitten can work, something kitten needs to do for her sanity and self esteem, having always worked kitten does not deal with inactivity well, lol even at work kitten is always being told to sit down and stop for 5 minutes !

It is not for the company or interaction that kitten needs to work, she often goes days without leaving the house or talking to anyone except Master and that does not bother her, kitten believe it or not is a solitary person, having been hurt by others in the past and not so distant pass, lies told and things not said or denied have made kitten wary of others, she has no wish to open herself to others any more, and she is not sure if that is something Master will allow, but it is something kitten wishes, being part of a poly family leaves kitten to open and she is not able to deal with that at this time, well she might be able but to be honest she has no wish to deal with it. Always before she has helped others in the family, taken a step back to let them have time when they seemed to be faltering, now she sees that her actions are not reciprocated, and while she never did it for that reason it is something she thinks is part of being a family is about.

A poly family is unlike other families, there should be a feeling of bonding with others and not a feeling of competition, it is not about me me me as in the case of children, it should always be about Master, Master Master and until that is THE focus of all concerned in the family tension and unrest will prevail. We all value the time Master spends with us, but by comparing what one gets as opposed to what you yourself receive will only make feelings of resentment grow, if Master spanks one and not another, so what ! If Master talks more on Monday to one than another Big Deal, people in a poly relationship need to be grateful for what they receive, and by doing stupid things, playing childish games, lying, moaning to others about your life and how it is not fair and in effect making life difficult for others is not a way to stay in a poly family with any happiness, Poly is not for everyone, many think it is but when reality sets in they realise that the green jealousy monster is the over riding emotion, and if you never admit that to yourself then you will never find true happiness.

A M/s relationship comes in many forms, poly is one of them

Square Peg

Do you ever feel you don’t fit in ? that you are a square peg in a round hole ?
Just lately kitten has been feeling those things, she has been re reading some things said to her and more and more she is feeling that she is that square peg, but the thing is, its not kitten that is the square peg at times, confused ? lol welcome to kittens mind.

There are times when kitten knows that she is only half living, that there is a part of her missing, and that part is Master, she needs to serve Him r/t, online is ok as a way of getting to know someone but r/t is where the dream becomes a reality, and the reality is not always what people imagine. This is something kitten yearns for, to serve, to submit, to be once more. Sometimes when kitten sees people in some of the adult sites playing at being a Dom and sub she honestly thinks they believe what their fantasies are is what this life is, omg if only it was like that at times, there would be no periods of silence while Master was with another * true is your Master or Dom is poly* there would be no trying to change who you are to make Him notice you * seen this happen a few times over the years, but the thing they fail to realise is that their Dom or Master accepted their submission based on them as a person, on how they were at that time *

Another thing that is so noticable is when people say one thing but in reality mean another, they talk so well because on line i does not affect them, but in r/t things are just that REAL, so while they can say that they will submit to anothers will with no problem so many of them can't, they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. Another thing that is so noticable is how many on these sites say things because they think they can change the way a Dom or Master is, the image of the picket fence and rose garden is what they want, not a Dom but a boyfriend to go to the movies with or to take walks on the beach with, and this is something that a Dom does do with those they own but it is as a D/s or M/s not as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

kitten has been told by new ones who see her interaction with her Master that she is incapable of love, that is not true, kitten does love her Master, but she also knows that she loves Him as her MASTER, her FRIEND and as her One, she does not love Him as her boyfriend or partner, He will never be that and that is not what kitten wants, its confusing but it is this life, it is not what you see in the chat rooms, this is real and its wonderful if you want it to be.

So what does this have to do with kitten being a square peg ? Well she sees and hears things, she reads and tries to understand what is said and more and more she sees others ideas of what M/s life is and she sometimes wonders if it is her that is wrong ? Have the rules changed and no one told her ? Is she living in the past and how she was taught and what she believed in now obsolete ?

Kitten was taught that this life is not about her, there is no place for a me me me mindset, it is about the One you serve, Their wishes and desires are what matter most, she was also taught that sex was a privilege and not a right, and if she was to be on house cleaning duties for a month while her Master was with another in her freshly made bed then that is how it was to be * sure used to annoy kitten when she had just changed the sheets though * Kitten was taught that the word no was acceptable if she was prepared for the consequences, * learnt that most times it was not worth saying no * Kitten learnt what it felt like to be resented, * remember in some subs eyes kitten was the main sub, as she was married to Him but at times nothing could have been further from the truth * Yet through it all kitten knew she was born to serve another, she had a part of her missing if she was not submissive to her Master and that is how she is feeling now, she needs to submit to Him in r/t, she needs to feel Him around her, and nope not talking cuddles and pillows * private joke and one kitten is praying does not come true * but to feel His strength, His wisdom and His belief in kitten,

So is kitten a square peg ? Not really sure but she knows that if she is then she will do all she can to smooth the edges as she needs to be Masters gattino.

Help Needed

Kitten is appealing to all subs and slaves, she is trying to find a copy of the Masters Handbook, you know the one kitten is referring to, the ‘bible’ that her Master quotes when kitten is teasing Him and He knows she is right * and please lets not go to the who is right, as by all accounts kitten is wrong as she drives on the left, and Master is right as He drives on the right but if kitten is wrong when she is right then surely when she is on the left she is right as right is wrong, see simple kitten logic *

The reason kitten wants this book is she swears it has magic pages, as kitten knows what is on page two this week was not on page two last week, and it usually ends up with kitten owing Master something ! Now kitten not saying that Master is a cheat * kitten thinks He is at times but according to Master He can’t cheat as He is Master and they are His rules, says so in the book page three *

Kitten at this moment owes Master about a quadrillion cuddles and hugs, this she thinks is grossly unfair as His inflation rate is about a million to make up for the economy, that’s not kittens fault !!!! kitten also owes about 1,000 kisses with tongue, hhhmmmm wonder if biting is allowed ? just thinking aloud.

Kitten loves to tease Master, she loves to hear Him laugh and she loves to get Him flustered when she talks really fast as He can’t always understand what kitten is saying, ok will admit to saying slang words at times to confuse Him but its such fun !

Another thing kitten has learnt really quickly is not to try to bargain with Master, He is one smart cookie and kitten always seems to end up owing Him more and when she finally figures out where He twisted her around she will try to renegotiate * ok will take lessons in debating first* kitten thought she was smart (ish) but He leaves her standing, but not in a demeaning way, in a way that makes kitten laugh, and once she starts laughing she has lost the debate if it can be called that,
kitten means how can you have a debate with someone who says “ Its in the Masters Handbook but slaves can’t see it, its invisible ?? “

Why does kitten and Master tease each other ? Is this a sign that kitten is not a slave, that she has no respect for Him ? Is she treating Him like a boyfriend/partner/husband (god forbid on all of them ) No she is treating Master as a person, yes He is Master and apart from a few slips when kitten is hurting kitten treats Master with the respect and honour He is entitled to as her Master but at the same time kitten is not scared of Master, she knows He will never hurt her and she knows He will never punish/abuse/ridicule her and that means kitten can tease Him and she can torment Him as a person does, and it does not have to be sexually orientated, in fact the best laughs are the normal ones and as a Master He does not take offence as it is not meant in that way,

Master is a Man with a high powered job, He is always working hard and He is always helping His slaves, so why can’t kitten lighten His day for Him when she is able ? kitten talks to Master about many things, she has conversations and ideas, she asks questions and remembers things said previously, kitten is a slave yes but she is also a person Master can talk to or not talk to as the need takes, even Masters need conversations at times and not always about sex, lets face it, if that was the only topic then life would be a bit monotonous after awhile.

Safety Net

Kitten is confused, the need to fight is so strong within her its scary, try as she might the feelings keep coming to the forefront and its getting harder and harder to control them.

Kitten has had things in place when for times when she needs to run, always before she has managed to shut down, to close off from what is worrying her until she is able to deal with them, but now that is gone, she is not allowed to shut herself off, and that is not good, all the thoughts, fears and concerns are there and she can feel herself having a melt down.

The threats, or forth coming actualities as at the moment kitten really isn’t certain either way, of a forthcoming visit to her from another person she really doesn’t want to deal with, that needs to be closed away, that kitten needs to be able to move away from as she doesn’t like it, yet that has been taken away from her

Kitten is being taught different ways to deal with things, different ways that don’t involve shutting off or closing down, and that scares her, its not working, she needs to fight, she needs to scream, she needs to run, those she understands, those she has been doing for so very long, they are her safety net, damn kitten is so confused, just want to rest for awhile, if kitten can shut off, no one can hurt her, nothing can get to her, being open to others is not good, kitten is like a sponge, she soaks everyone elses feelings in and they just add to her thoughts, hell just shoot her now, get it over with

Safe

Curled into myself
Trying desperately to close my thoughts away
Needing to run, to hide, to shut down for awhile
Till I have control of my thoughts once more
Silent tears falling, voices in my ears
Telling me I am worthless, telling me the truth
Hearing the words inside my head
Knowing they are lies yet believing them as truths

His voice breaks through my darkness
I try to turn away
I need to keep my distance, I cannot let Him near
His hand reaches out for me, His voice so soft yet clear
Take My hand and let me help you
Let Me take this pain from you
Trust in your Master my kitten
Trust I will always help you

Slowly my hand reaches for His
My rock in this cold dark place
His voice replacing the other ones
His words not cruel like theirs
Gently He talks to me
Softly His reasoning breaks through
His strength wrapped around me
Feeling safe within His protection

Starting to panic, not used to the love or care
Struggling to pull away, needing to fight for myself
I can’t close down, I can’t shut off, panic setting in
I need to lash out, I need to run, I need to go away
I hide my thought, I hide my fears, I cannot leave them here
Twisting in His arms, I try to pull away
I’m scared, so scared, please let me go
I need to protect myself, not let anyone too close

His arms tighten around me, His strength seeps through
Holding me tight He will not let go, His body taking my tears
Your safe with Me, never doubt that My kitten, this is where you belong
No more running, no more hiding, unless you run to Me
Take My strength, take all you need, I am strong enough for both
Let yourself be open, as you are only open to Me
You are home now, no more fear, this is how it will be
With all that I am I will protect you and keep you safe from harm

A Slaves Role

Everyone talks about what a Masters role is in the BDSM lifestyle, but what is a slaves role? What is her purpose?

Ok while kitten knows that a slaves job is what ever her Master tells her, is that her only role in His life?

A Master is a man, and while a slave does look at Him as being God like, at the end of the day He still takes His trousers *pants* off one leg at a time like mortal people, that said it also means He is as prone to everyday life just as everyone else is, just because He is a Master does not mean that He is immune to all the normal everyday aggravation that living in today’s world brings.

So what is kitten’s role? What is her job, her purpose in Masters Life?

Kitten knows when Master is feeling under the weather, it is her job to try to persuade Him to slow down, take a break, ease up, this is what a slave does, she cares for her Masters well being

Kitten can sense when things are not going right in some way or another, kitten tries to ease things for Him, if it means an extra hours work for her then that is fine, it means the pressure is taken off Him if only in a little way

Kitten can tell by His conversation what type of mood Master is in and while kitten has only ever known Him to be in a annoyed mood with kitten when she has really screwed up, kitten picks up on the conversation and is supportive or silent as He needs her to be, this she does because she knows as His slave that He will never take His feelings out on kitten no matter what has occurred during the day, but at the same time kitten gives Master support in any way she can and sometimes that support is in her silence

Kitten has a few faults, most of which Master over looks and the others He is working on with kitten but at the same time it is not about kitten, there are times that no matter what kitten thinks, feels or wonders Master is the one kitten needs to focus on, and by focusing on Him her own problems are forgotten, this has a two way effect, kitten can adjust her thinking to help Master and she also realises what’s in her head is not worth bothering with most of the time.

Kittens role in Masters life is to be Masters, and that is in any and every way she is needed, just as in everyone else’s life, just because you are a Master it does not protect you from life, and just because you are a slave does not mean you cannot be there for your Master as He is there for you.