Online Fantasies

I read so much about how this life is different to a 'vanilla' life and how so many people crave to life this way and i will be the first to admit i am one of those people who has a vast mistrust of online subs/slaves Doms and Masters, having been 'bitten' a few times by people playing games my faith in those online has hit rock bottom and it takes a lot for me to actually believe what is being said.

I met my Master online and He would be the first to tell you how hard it was to get me to have faith,trust and belief in Him and in some ways its still that way, not with Him but with others He deals with.

I see so many times people saying this is the life they crave and want to live and then over time they try to manipulate things so that it is how THEY want it, the picket fence and candle lite dinner but as an added bonus some kinky sex thrown in as well. I do understand that some people are in a relationship that isn't what they want but i cannot understand why they are still in that relationship if it is that bad, surely it would be best for people who want to live this lifestyle and are currently in a vanilla relationship to actually leave that relationship BEFORE they start to seek the promised land ?

This lifestyle is not that much different from a vanilla one, we still get to cook and clean and go to work, we still get to have fun and do the things everyone else does, the main difference is the exchange of power, a sub or slave has less rights and say in how things are unless asked her opinion or view on something, and even then its no guarantee that it will be listened to. Even the promise of lots and lots of kinky sex isn't true, sex is a bonus not a right and i should imagine from reading some of the blogs out there, a lot of people have sex no more or less frequently than anyone else does - lol and not all of it is kinky either !!!

I think people need to look long and hard at what they are REALLY looking for in this lifestyle, what is it that attracts them to it and once they have that answer they need to look at their life NOW and what is missing from it, its easy to want something you don't have but when you get it, it is not what you thought it was in the first place. I find that those who are 'dabbling' with this online are doing so because they are bored, they want something extra and this seems to be the perfect spice to zest up their lives but what they fail to realize is that they are affecting other peoples lives and that is when things stop being a game.

Everyone can say this is the life they have always needed to live and this is what they dream of but if thats the case why are they still in a relationship that bores them, that is going no where and has no appeal to them? I don't know, maybe i am so jaded by all the things i see online, the games and the pretenses, all the people who say they are something and it turns out they are not that i am too distrustful but if thats the case then ok i will admit that, but i am the one who is not going to get hurt anymore, because regardless of how much you try not to each time an online person disappoints you or hurts you a little bit more of your faith is chipped away till you really have none left

Blog Posts

Sitting here this morning the words seem to flow from me, the need to write them down and say EXACTLY what i think and feel about certain situations is so strong but i will not write them here, i will not air my 'laundry' in public out of respect for Master and respect for myself so instead i write them in my journal, that place i have for all things personal to me.

This made me think about things and made me wonder when or rather where do people write things ? Do others really want to know what i had for lunch ? Or about my fear of hospitals ? or even whether Master and i fcked last night or just had an argument ?

I read so many blogs and i am amazed at the content of some of them, they seem to be 'Master Bashing' in one post then declaring undying love in another, or they can be giving knitting advice in some yet moaning that they have lost their libido the very next day. Add to those ones who declare a certain act is a hard limit yet two months later that is all they can talk about and you have a very mixed bag of blogs, with one thing in common - they all profess to be BDSM blogs and are in this 'lifestyle' Hell no wonder so many new people get confused, i am not new and i am confused !!

Blogs are something everyone * myself included i think * imagine they are good at writing, we are 'letting the world know' what we think they want to know about us but really who gives a damn ? Those important people who you feel should know what is going on in your life will know already because if they were important you would have told them. And what about the people you write about, have you told them your thoughts and feelings ? Whether they are good or bad, have you said what you are writing to them ? Why not ? I know a certain few people have problems with me yet not once have they been 'man enough' to actually say something to me - instead they hide behind words on a screen and think that is ok - WRONG, that is not a strong persons way, it is a cowards way.

Out of respect for myself i will not post the goings on in my life that can affect Master or me, i will post general things and thoughts, that kinda stuff that does not come back to bite you on the ass sort of things, because once something is written and that 'publish' button is pressed you cannot retract those words even if you delete the post, it will have been read and someone somewhere will have seen it and stored it at the back of their minds for future reference.

Be careful what you write in a blog, it might not have the desired effect

Fear

THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT FEAR ITSELF

This is so true, i 'survived' the first round at the hospital yesterday and am still around to tell the tale, i am hurting and tender but so far so good.

Master really doesn't trust me i concluded yesterday, i was hoping He would just drop me at the door and return for me later, i had it all planned but nope - He came in with me *@#$#@#$%^%$

Entering the hospital there was a seating area where we had to wait, right near an exit, hhhmmm now if only i could get Him to leave i would be out that exit so fast their heads would spin, i think Master is a mind reader cos He held my hand and just shook His head * insert swear word here* He stayed with me till i went into that room with no exit, they see you entering and boy are they not letting you out again till they are ready ! He said He would be there when i called and with a hug and a kiss He left me, the temptation to follow Him and beg Him to take me with Him was so strong, i didn't want to be here, there was a mistake and everything was ok now so please open the door and let me out.

Once i was in the ward there were people fussing over me constantly, that scared the bejeezus out of me, not being left alone to gather my thoughts, to contain my fear and when one of them stupidly asked if i was staying the night i was off that bed in a flash, nope not me, i am going home or am not staying its that simple !!

I was taken to the theater earlier than planned * guess they thought i might still make a run for the door and to be honest if the opportunity had arose i would have !* and i was back in recovery in what seemed like no time at all but was actually a couple of hours later, they tell me my first words were to call Master so i could go home and where was the coffee they promised me !!!

Master came and was given instructions about what to do etc and we were soon on our way, i have never been so grateful as i was yesterday to see Him, knowing that now i was safe and He would protect me and look after me. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and checking that He was still there, i hurt and my stomach is swollen so its a good job i still have a few of my old clothes that are normally too big that i can still wear.

Well this is the first step down, just got to get through next weeks and then i will be able to move forward, but i know that Master will support me no matter what the results are, lol He doesn't always seem it but He really does have the patience of a saint at times which is a great quality when you have a patient as obstinate as i am - lol there was mention of tying my to the bed last night but when He saw the glint in my eye He soon changed His mind !! * spoil sport **

Thinking Too Much

Do you ever get those days when you know things are going to be wrong ? Those type of days when you wake up and you instantly can tell that there is going to be some sort of 'fall out' before the day is done ? Thats how i woke this morning and i hate it !!

I never slept much last night, too many thoughts in my head and they all seemed to mingle together. I have a fear of hospitals and i really am not looking forward to tomorrow and that is scaring me, tried to tell Master last night but unfortunately i got the " Do not let fear control you " speech, not what i wanted to hear ! * mind you He is ill so i might forgive Him for that*

My life seems to be changing so much lately and i am not sure if its a good thing or not, so many things and people now are coming into it or leaving it and for some reason i am viewed as a threat to a few of them, it is not my choice in what Master does so why do others assume that i have any influence over what He is doing and with whom ?

They say change is good but there are times when changes are needed and there are times when i want things to stay the same, that safety in familiarity is what i crave yet as with all things the world keeps turning and people keep changing and it seems that most of the time we are just along for the ride.

I know that things will all work out as they are meant to, what happens tomorrow is how things are supposed to be, the results will be as they are meant to be and the biopsy will come back clear so i can just out this behind me and move on to the next challenge that is my life. Funny how saying it and believing it are two totally different things

I Need a Spanking !!!!

I need a spanking ! For no other reason than because i want one.

Master has put me on a two week spanking ban due to my having to go to the hospital and He does not want any ramifications for my having a whipped, bruised ass which while i can understand that - boy ooohhh boy do i miss the paddle !!

I have been a week now without a spanking * or a crop/flogger/whip hell without ANYTHING marking my body* and i really miss it. Its weird, when i was with my online master i never craved it or missed it as much as i do now, the feelings and sensations Master can and does give me are intense and in some ways for me a spanking is as necessary as breathing at times.

I have at least a week to go before Master even considers using anything on me and that will be the longest week of my life, but that is the minimum amount of time, depending on the operation and biopsy results it could be longer and damn it i am not looking forward to that at all !!!!

I am not a 'cuddly' person and am not one to ask to be held when things get on top of me, i am more likely to ask for a spanking than a cuddle but i am finding myself cuddling more and more because i can't have that release i so crave, Master loves that and i will be honest i am becomming more used to that idea, lol He now calls me His soppy slave ! * Dream on Batman its only temporary*

I am counting down the minutes till i can feel that deep burning sensation as the whip cuts across my back, or that sharp sting as the cane lands on me, and do not even get me started on the pleasure my body will experience when finally the paddle is laid to rest across my ass - damn it I NEED A PADDLING !!!!

The Next Step

Last week i wrote about wanting to be pushed beyond my comfort levels, to be taken one step further and yesterday that happened. I was taken out of my 'safety' zone and pushed a bit further, not too far and Master stopped after a short while but DAMN it was GOOD !

I am a pain slut, i love the feeling as a crop/whip/paddle hits me and after the incident with the paddle when He broke it on my ass i thought i would not be feeling that particular enjoyment for a long time but He surprised me by buying a new one and then 'testing' it out.

The play started, i was cuffed and bent over on the bed and that first strike made me squeel in pleasure, the next katrillion * or so it felt* left me dripping wet and cumming hard with His permission but then things changed a bit and that is where i was taken further than before.

I moved as He went to strike me, not unusual but this time it earnt me a swat on the foot * i hate that* i was told to put my cuffed hands on my head but i could see Him in the mirror so everytime He went to use the crop on my tits i dropped my hands, it was instinct and not something i could help.

We were both laughing hard, me cos i knew He was going to do something and i was in such a good mood and Him because He has never had anyone laugh before while being 'beaten'. The play time was fun and lighthearted and i think that is why i could take the severity of the beatings, because He was with me and making it light hearted and fun.

The beatings continued and i continued to enjoy them until He stopped, groaning as He stopped i turned to look at Him and asked why He was not doing it anymore and He said that i had had enough - i had ?? since when ?? i wanted more, deserved more, craved more and trying to explain this to Him as i was still reeling in that special after glo place was not easy but He refused to do more.

Laying me down on the bed * even today i can't sit properly * He showed me the paddle, it was covered in blood, He had beaten my ass till it bleed, the first time that has EVER happened and i was not aware of it, hence why He stopped, i was in a place where i was having so much fun i was not aware of what was happening to me, the severity of the paddling and that is why He stopped.

After my body had 'recovered' as much as it could and my mind cleared a bit i started thinking and thanking my lucky stars for Master, He knew when to stop, when to pull back, when i had had enough and for that i am grateful because i did not. The place i go when i am enjoying something that extreme is a wonderful place and one that few actually really get to, they might think they do but in actuality it is very hard for someone to get to sub space, most of the time people think they are there because their minds are shutting down on the things they are enduring but sub space is completely different and not a place that words can easily describe.

Having trust and faith in your Master is a must when you want to explore your limits, they more often than not know your limits at that particular time better than you do * as i found out* and if they are new or uncaring damage can be caused, i thank my lucky stars for my Master because He does know me and He does care about me, and who knows - next time we will go further * He has brought a cattle prod and i can't wait for Him to use it on me ** i say me as at the moment i am the only one He plays with that likes pain**

Parts of Master

I am constantly being surprised by Master, be it in His reactions to people/places/events or in His dealings with issues or circumstances that arise but never more so than i am by His playfulness.

Master has at this moment got a 'fixation' on my belly button, when we are laying in bed watching TV or reading i am always on my guard because with no warning i will find myself with a finger stuck in my belly button or His face planted on my belly to blow raspberries on it, and no amount of begging or pleading will get Him to stop !!

He loves to make me giggle and scream with laughter, whether He is tickling me, chasing me with an ice block or whispering soppy stuff in my ear He know i will end up laughing because of what He is doing/saying. His finger is often found in my ear or my belly button, His tongue licking me cos He knows i will laugh at that or else He lays cuddling me only to turn His head to breath on me * and i can't abide anyone breathing on me, not even myself - omg i get goose bumps just thinking of it * He is constantly looking for new ways to make me smile or laugh

There are times when the pressures of the day seem to be too much for me but i know when i get home that i am finally able to relax and be with the person i want to be with and who wants to be with me, we talk and tease and play and just generally have a good time in each others company which is something i feel helps to build the bond between us and strengthen it, the fact we like to be with each other.

The other week when we were at dinner with His parents i asked His mother how she survived Him and His tormenting ways, she looked at me and smiled but refused to answer, saying we all have our own ways to deal with Him !!!! * don't think He stuck His finger in her belly button somehow ! *

Life with Master is a constantly learning experience, as we move through life we are learning more and more about each other, likes and dislikes, desires and ambitions, but the main thing i am learning is that i am content with Him, we get to laugh and have fun, we get to go to new places and explore new things together, we get to experience new boundaries and with Him i get to push my limits and evolve into the person He deserves.

Master is an enigma, He is funny, sweet * but don't tell Him that* considerate, witty, serious, hard working, driven, ambitious and so much more but all of these things are a part of the whole package and i am glad to be a part of that package.