The Way Life works

Wow, today has certainly took me by surprise, and to be honest i am not sure what to do any more, i got some news from back home and it has thrown me into a tail spin.

I have been told something, what it was does not really matter except to me, and then i was told the results of that news, and that is what has thrown me. I knew when i chose to live my life for me that there would be times that were hard and times that looked as if they were impossible, and this is one of those impossible times and i am not sure what to do and where to turn.

My daughter called me with some news, and then she piled on the other stuff and that has hurt me so bad, i know Master tries to understand but it is not something that i can explain, its the feelings and the hurt that are making me cry all the time, i understand that by trying to get away and actually live a life that is right for me i took a chance on friends and family not understanding and i came into this with my eyes wide open but i never imagined i would react like this when faced with their anger and hurt, their words and deeds are crippling and they know this.

People always say look on the bright side, there are worse off than me and i should count my blessings, and i do, i really do but at the same time i start to question and doubt, not Master as He has always been upfront about what He is and what He wants from me, but about myself and what i did and am doing still, and the results of my actions. Was i selfish to want a life ? Was i self centred to want to be happy ? Can i be happy ? Can i take this latest knock and not let it turn me around and leave all i have craved for so long ? i wish i had the guts to hide away and not have to hurt like this, and the really stupid thing is, as Master has explained, i am the target for all her anger and resentment, and give her a few days and she will either come around or she will heap more on and its all my fault, i am so used to dealing with everything for all of them that now i am not there she is having to deal with things herself, she is having to grown up and in that growing up she is lashing out and the target is me.

Somedays i really wish i knew all the answers, and on other days i wish i knew the questions, today is a day i need answers. No one said life was easy, but hell they never said it would be this hard or hurt this much either.