The cost Of This Life

There is an old saying, that everything is possible - but at a price and never more true than when you are looking into this lifestyle.

Many of your friends and family will say that all they want is your happiness, that as long as you are safe and free from harm then you should live your life as you see fit, and not to worry about them as they are fine. Well kitten is here to tell you that in the majority of the cases that is so far from the truth it is laughable

When kitten moved to Master she knew the cost to herself, it was something she and she alone would have to decide, not only was she moving away from all the things that were familiar to her, her family, her friends, her work and to some extent the 'safeness' of her life but she was also moving to another country where they drive on the wrong side of the road, they speak funny and don't understand kitten when she speaks, the money is so whacky its ridiculous at times trying to work out what things cost and that is just the normal everyday living, that does not include the journey that kitten is taking just by being with Master, the things she has to learn or unlearn as the case might be.

kitten has times when all the feelings of loss are overwhelming, when all she can think of is her family and friends, her need to speak to them, see them, touch them and it is at those times kitten tends to close down a bit, the choices that were made were made by kitten and no one else, Master supports kitten but would not tell her what to do with regard to making a choice, that was something He refused to do in that He knew that the feelings that kitten gets would have been directed at Him and unfairly so as well.

People love to tell you that they only want your happiness, what they fail to tell you is they want your happiness as long as it falls in with what they want you to do and that is something kitten is finding out the hard way, but if you were to ask her does she regret her desicion then the answer would be no not in the slightest as this is how kitten needs to live, she is where she needs to be and with whom she needs to be with BUT and heres the thing, ask her again if she believes that others want her happiness in everything she does and she will proberbly answer - if it suits their purpose.

In Charge

Do you remember when you were a child and you were told to do something you didn’t want to ? Like cleaning your room or going to see relatives when all you wanted to do was go out with your friends ? The feeling of having no control over your life and what you were being told to do was great, and in some ways the M/s and to a lesser extent the D/s relationship is very similar. Kitten has just read a great article describing this better than she ever could,*here* but it did get her thinking, she knows there are times when Master is teasing her that she tells Him “ No way Batman” or “ Dream on He who must be Obeyed” but this is different, during the teasing kitten is not actually refusing Him anything as W/we B/both know if He wanted something then kitten would do it and do it with a feeling of want as He has asked for something * and no it need not be sexual, it can be anything from getting Him a drink to pleasing Him*
However we all get times when we really don’t want to do something, for what ever reason we try to change things so we have the controlling hand. An example of this was the other night, kitten was told to do something, and she didn’t want to as she had got herself into a funk and it seemed as though she was struggling with things on her own, so when she was told to perform the task she replied “ kitten would rather not” Well this led to a few questions which kitten again tried not to answer so she started to perform the task first asked, this did not go down well, Master pulled her up and refused to let her do what she now wanted to do, * ok so kitten doesn’t take much persuading to do certain things * And after close questioning and kitten being allowed to speak freely * this means that anything said will not be used against her and she is allowed to talk freely about what is on her mind*, Master saw things from kittens point and He apologised * A true Master is one who is never afraid to admit to making errors in judgement, something people should be aware of*
Now the above might not make sense and it might seem that kitten was trying to control things, and if you read it again you will probably see that in some ways she was, she was trying to control herself, trying to say she didn’t want to do something but ultimately she was going to do it as it had been asked of her, and she knows that was wrong.
So what should she have done ? Well first off she should have spoken to Master BEFORE she got herself so worked up that she could not see the wood for the trees, she should have gone to Him and asked to speak, but this is another lesson she is learning, the one where she has to accept that Master CAN help her and that she need not do everything on her own, the lesson that she can depend on Him. And she is also learning that when Master tells her to do something then she does it, the majority of the time it is with a great big smile on her face and for the few times its not, then those are the times that she knows she is pleasing Master by doing as asked of her as a slave should do. Any task set by a Master is one a slave should under take to the best of her ability and not just when it suits her.

Safety Net

Kitten is confused, the need to fight is so strong within her its scary, try as she might the feelings keep coming to the forefront and its getting harder and harder to control them.

Kitten has had things in place when for times when she needs to run, always before she has managed to shut down, to close off from what is worrying her until she is able to deal with them, but now that is gone, she is not allowed to shut herself off, and that is not good, all the thoughts, fears and concerns are there and she can feel herself having a melt down.

The threats, or forth coming actualities as at the moment kitten really isn’t certain either way, of a forthcoming visit to her from another person she really doesn’t want to deal with, that needs to be closed away, that kitten needs to be able to move away from as she doesn’t like it, yet that has been taken away from her

Kitten is being taught different ways to deal with things, different ways that don’t involve shutting off or closing down, and that scares her, its not working, she needs to fight, she needs to scream, she needs to run, those she understands, those she has been doing for so very long, they are her safety net, damn kitten is so confused, just want to rest for awhile, if kitten can shut off, no one can hurt her, nothing can get to her, being open to others is not good, kitten is like a sponge, she soaks everyone elses feelings in and they just add to her thoughts, hell just shoot her now, get it over with