I Am Me - No More - No Less

I am me - no more - no less - just me

How many times have you heard me say that ? Yet still it is true, i am who and what i am, i am my Masters slave with all that entails, my life is confusing at time * hell a lot of the time its confusing* and there are times when things really make no sense to me yet still i am His.

I try hard to be all i can be for Him, even during the times we fight, and yeap we do argue but usually its not because of US as such but because i have a really bad habit of trying to defend others and that leads to more confusion as i see things and hear things which make me question and have doubts and issues with what is going on.

I have read all the things about online players, the games being played and i will be the first to admit that i have been a victim of some of those games, i served a Master online and i really thought he was real, i had a 'friend' who i told all my fears and doubts to - someone who i thought was a 'sister' to me, that is until i woke up and realised that i was just a means to an end, i was being used so she could get closer to him, i was a means to an end and she was just playing a game with me till she could get what she wanted. The Master i served was also playing a game, i fell for it in a big way, to the extent i was going to see him, to be with him, to serve him r/t which is what he said he wanted - that is until he realised it was getting closer to the time i was leaving, then he left, no more online, no more calls, no more anything for months.

I found out he was married with two children, and all that i thought we had was just a game to him, he was playing a fantasy to while away the time during his day and as for the friend, well she was playing the game as well, for both of them the chasing, the building of trust and the online fantasy was all they were looking for, they had no interest in real time, all they wanted was the fantasy.

I am now wary of people, i look beyond the things said, i look past the 'innocent' actions, i know people use me to get closer to my Master and that hurts, things from the past still have an effect on the present, i am nothing more than a means to an end for some people and i guess that is something i will have to get used to, people who claim to not like me suddenly want to know me, and i will admit i am wary of those.

I am told to just let things be, to not worry as it will all work out yet i hate being used. Maybe it is my fault, maybe i should just accept that i am a person to be trod on to get to the main event, someone who is disposable in the journey to what another wants

Not sure why i was thinking about games played this morning, guess its because even though he know i want nothing more to do with him the im 's still keep coming, he cannot see that i am owned and happy with my REAL MASTER - sometimes people cannot accept what is in front of them no matter how many times they see it.

Life Changes

Three times today i have opened this blog to write something and each time exactly what i want/need to write has eluded me - i know what i want to say but the words fail to make sense and then each time i think of more and more to say on the subject so to be honest i am not sure if its a good idea for me to write anything.

Today has been a weird day- hell the whole week/month has been strange but the one thing that has stuck with me was Master telling me after i had been throwing question after question at Him was that things change, what was then doesn't mean to say it is now and the more i think about it the more it is ringing true.

Life has a way of moving forward whether we want it to or not, just because something was one way does not mean to say it will forever remain that way and nothing is ever as it was for very long, its just how things go. Sometimes we help things change and other times things change with out our help but always there is a consequence to that change, be it good or bad it is still there.

I know that some people think we are the masters of our own fate and in some ways that is true but at the same time a slave/sub's fate/destiny/life is at the mercy of her Master - He is the one who decides what will be and what will not be, we are not in control, we are like pieces on a checkers board, being moved around as and when it pleases. We can at times rebel and think we are in control but those are the times we really see who is in control, our actions have reactions - a Master will be the One to decide what those reactions are to be .

I told you this is not making much sense, yet to me it is, my life is in His hands, i am a piece of His life yet i am not the whole of His life, so when His life moves forward it stands to reason that my role in it will change, hence the comment about things changing. I have a choice, and yes i do have a choice, after all this is still my life, i can move forward with Him or try to hold Him back, i can resist the changes or i can embrace them, i can be a part of the future or try to hold Him in the past, but as i sit here i know that ultimatly the only choice i have to really make is whether i can serve Him more, serve Him better, help Him make His life more than it is because i know that as surely as the sun will rise in the morning that life will keep moving forward and i want to move forward with Him towards the new day

Believe Nothing

Wise words indeed

Still I Rise

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certanity of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise,
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds,
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame I rise,
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise.
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear, I rise.
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear, I rise.
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slaves.
I rise, I rise,
I rise.

The Power of the Mind

Your best and worst enemy in life is your mind, it has a power unrivelled by anything else in your life and that includes your Master, as once your mind gets a hold of something it can and does take over you if you let it, good or bad you start to believe what your mind tells you and its a hell of a job to shift those ideas and beliefs for even the most experienced Master, for a new one it might be impossible.

I read some blogs online and there are a few * very few thankfully* that read as if this life is all sunshine and roses, that they are perfect and all in their life is wonderful as they give the impression they are the best slave and perfect in every way. WRONG This life is not all candlelight and white knights, its life, with all that it brings and that can be alot !

The people who write these things are living in fantasy land, they are giving people the impression that all if wonderful and that they are constantly at peace with all that goes on in their life, that nothing could be better and in fact the life they are leading is so perfect and there is no way to improve it.

Its very similar to someone saying they love to be spanked and it releases their inner pain sluttiness when in reality they have had a 5 minute 'session' with a soft flogger * and those who are into spanking will know that a suede flogger does not hurt no matter how hard it is used* That is like me saying i am a deep sea diver because i sat in a paddling pool !

I read another who posts that she tells her Master what she will and will not do - this is not M/s, as any real Master will not accept a slave telling them what to do, you can have an opinion and you can suggest things but telling them ?? no way is that part of M/s or TPE, and to actually say it is is just giving so many new ones the totally wrong impression of what M/s is really all about.

Do i sound bitter ? Jaded ? well maybe i am, and the reason for that is i talk to many people both online and in person and trying to explain that some of the crap they read online is pure fantasy and not fact is getting harder and harder, people claiming to be real slaves and this is how life is supposed to be is not fair on them as with their lies and make believes come a huge responsibility to REAL slaves who know that life is life to get them to understand that no Master is totally perfect and no person is as wonderful as they make them out to be.

Maybe its time for the glasses to come off and people to be honest, not saying that all they post is doom and gloom but would love them to post honestly and truthfuly, something some of them seem to have a really hard time doing - Live in reality and not fantasy, and you will find that your relationship with your Master will be stronger and better than a story book as it will be based on truth, honesty and trust something all relationships need to survive.

OOhh by the way, if you don't like this post then i am sorry, maybe its cos you are one of those who live in laa laa land ??

Unrealistic Expectations

For the first time since i have been in the USA my phone rang more times than Masters, even on the beach everyone thought it was His phone ringing but it was mine but not one of the calls was the one i was hoping for, and that was the call from my daughter.

It seemed that today i was surrouned by people talking of their children and while i can understand that i just sometimes wish someone would think to ask about mine - i have children and they are a part of me, yet no one ever gives a thought to that. I know that people can be selfish but i seem to spend my time thinking of others and just once i want some one to think of me and what i am going through, maybe i am the selfish one, expecting others to have the same qualities that i have in regard to thinking of others and not themselves and what a certain action or deed will get them and time and time again i am left disappointed or annoyed as that is never the case. Don't take me wrong - i am no saint but even in the mist of all the upset i have been feeling and not being well still and in pain i still think of others.

I have told 3 people of my call from my daughter the other day, Master and two online friends, and bless her, one of them has been texting daily or on im to make sure i am alright and coping but its not the same as talking to a real live person is it ?

I have so many conflicting emotions right now, one minute i want to be here with Master as i know thats where i belong and the next i feel i need to be with my daughter and after what she said i sometimes doubt that is a possibility and even f it was that would mean leaving Master and that is not something i think i could do unless really forced to.

Time and time i lay in bed while He is sleeping and my head is spinning, my heart aching and tears falling silently down my face, hell even typing this and my eyes are filling up, i just feel so lost and yet each morning i wake Master with a smile plastered on my face and the pretence that all is ok in my world begins again, after all, He has so much on His plate that i am not going to burden Him further especially as there is nothing He can do that will make it all alright once more, this is my problem/turmoil/dilema to try to get through, and at the moment i am not sure what the outcome will be and that is a scary thing for me.

The Way Life works

Wow, today has certainly took me by surprise, and to be honest i am not sure what to do any more, i got some news from back home and it has thrown me into a tail spin.

I have been told something, what it was does not really matter except to me, and then i was told the results of that news, and that is what has thrown me. I knew when i chose to live my life for me that there would be times that were hard and times that looked as if they were impossible, and this is one of those impossible times and i am not sure what to do and where to turn.

My daughter called me with some news, and then she piled on the other stuff and that has hurt me so bad, i know Master tries to understand but it is not something that i can explain, its the feelings and the hurt that are making me cry all the time, i understand that by trying to get away and actually live a life that is right for me i took a chance on friends and family not understanding and i came into this with my eyes wide open but i never imagined i would react like this when faced with their anger and hurt, their words and deeds are crippling and they know this.

People always say look on the bright side, there are worse off than me and i should count my blessings, and i do, i really do but at the same time i start to question and doubt, not Master as He has always been upfront about what He is and what He wants from me, but about myself and what i did and am doing still, and the results of my actions. Was i selfish to want a life ? Was i self centred to want to be happy ? Can i be happy ? Can i take this latest knock and not let it turn me around and leave all i have craved for so long ? i wish i had the guts to hide away and not have to hurt like this, and the really stupid thing is, as Master has explained, i am the target for all her anger and resentment, and give her a few days and she will either come around or she will heap more on and its all my fault, i am so used to dealing with everything for all of them that now i am not there she is having to deal with things herself, she is having to grown up and in that growing up she is lashing out and the target is me.

Somedays i really wish i knew all the answers, and on other days i wish i knew the questions, today is a day i need answers. No one said life was easy, but hell they never said it would be this hard or hurt this much either.

Putting Others On A Pedastal

I was reading something the other day that got me thinking, not always a good idea but this time I think it was. I was reading how one slave thought her Master was perfect,you could tell by what she was writing and how she was saying things that she had no real grasp on life, she had put her Master on a pedastal and was worshipping Him. This does not sound wrong i know but realistically no Master is a god, no Master is an idol, they are human and like the rest of us they are prone to mistakes and errors in judgement but when we elevate them to saint like statue then when they make that mistake it is so much worse as they have proven they are not al we had built them up to be.

I have read many posts where a slave will say her Master is wonderful and He is kind and considerate and does not ask her to do things she does not like, how He is supportive and there for her always and how He is her reason for being in this lifestyle, and to be honest that is so wrong, it is totally giving off the wrong impression on what this life is, what about the times He is not there, when He is working or out with His friends, what about the times when He moody and cross as something has not gone right during His day, what about the times when He has had enough of your whining about such and such and tells you to sort it out yourself, and yes those times do happen as this is LIFE and not a fairy tale in the making.

All too many come into this way of life as they think it is a way to find never ending happiness and true love with a bit of kink added, they think it is all roses and candle light and when you read some of the things out there you can tell who those people are, but they are in for a rude awakening, its not all like that.

The trouble with putting a person on a pedastal is they rarely live up to your expectations, they cannot as what you dream and imagine is so much more than a human is capable of so when they fail to live up to your imagination then you are going to be very disappointed, love your Master, serve your Master and honor your Master but do not elevate him to godlike staus as that is not fair to either of you.