My Journal

A Master can and does control all of His slaves life - the extent of that control is up to the Master, and nothing is off limits. A Master has the right to dictate what a slave wears, indeed if she actually wears anything * Master insists that i am naked in the house at all times*,what she eats, if she is to large He has the right to insist on her dieting, if her hair is too long He has the right to make her have it cut, and so the list goes on, but what about her thoughts ?

A slave will think, and those thoughts are not always ones that she wants, likes or indeed can process properly, like all people thoughts of one thing can lead to another and another and before long everything is a jumbled mess and the slave can see no way forward, her thoughts are keeping her prisoner in her mind and body.

I have a diary that i write in everyday, my hopes, fears, thoughts,feelings, my frustrations, my confusion, all the things that worry me are written into this journal and it does help a bit.

Master 'caught' me writing in it a couple of weeks ago and insisted on reading it - this threw me into panic -this was mine, my writing, my fears and now i had to share them ? no way did i want to do that but after pointing out that i am a slave and so everything that i think is mine is only mine through His grace * hate it when His logic is correct* so reluctantly i handed it over then ran outside, hiding from Him and His reactions to my words.

After reading it He called me in and sat me down, the look on His face not angry like i had expected but understanding, and with the book in His hand He started to read passages from it, after each one asking me why i felt/thought/imagined that particular thing.

Tears flowed, my face burnt, i will be the first to admit i was not nice to everyone in my writings, but remember this was MY thoughts and feeling so i felt i didn't need to censor them as no one was going to read them but me * ok so i was wrong* We talked, discussed all the things i had written, all the things that were jumbled in my mind, all the things i could not seem to understand and then we talked of ways to dispel those feelings and fears. I am not saying it was a miraculous recovery but it was not as awful as i had thought it would have been.

I have been ordered to write each day into the journal, i am to write everything in there, all the things that i try to keep hidden inside, and He is going to read it - at the moment i am 'safe-ish' because i am writing when He is busy and i tell Him it is not finished but i know that tonight He will be reading it and that fills me with dread, the things i have been writing are ramblings of a really confused mind, and i know that He will want to discuss that, but the thing is, if i knew the answers to the questions that plagued me they would not be questions or doubts and fears would they ?

The life of a slave is a very complex one, and full of ups and downs