Another Step Closer

Another step closer to getting the all clear - i had another procedure yesterday to get rid of the precancerous cells which seem to want to stay in my body, hopefully third time is a charm and that will be the end of it, i can only hope that the next appointment in a months time will give me the all clear we have been praying for.

i think the measure of a good Master can be found in many ways, and in my case i have a Master who cares deeply for me, His caring and support through this has been amazing, He has been tough on me when i was uncertain, taking the responsibility for my health into His own hands and laying down rules and boundries that help me, He has supported me and held me in His arms when i was afraid and when i was being a brat He didn't just punish me, He looked at the reasons i was being brattish and dealt with those first, then corrected those reasons, sometimes with a punishment and sometimes with a shoulder to lean on. Its hard being a Master and knowing what to do in any given circumstance.

There have been a few people over the years we have been together i would like to have beside me while i went through all this, if for no other reason so i could talk to them and ease some of the burden from Master but as has been discovered they are not interested in me as such, more in what being friends with me can do for them in regard to getting brownie points with Master, its sad but true, and so the bulk of the comforting and care is coming from Master, He said that is His job and one He does not object to doing, it is His responsibility to care for me as i care for Him, life has no guarentees but i can guarentee He will be there for me * which made me cry, He said it while i was still emotional about having more bits cut out of my body, told Him that He should not say things like that till i am feeling more like the fiesty kitten He is used to ! *

Master sat talking to people on im last night while i lay on the floor by His feet, that is somewhere i feel comfortable, its daft i know but its as if the pain in my body is lessened by being near the strength in His body, He put needles in my arms last night as well, He had said if i was good He would as He knows it is a treat for me, and so i slept on the floor with needles in and i felt safe and protected, it was as if He was telling me without words that everything would be ok, He bathed my head when i was burning up with fever and He tended to the blood when He removed the needles before i went to bed.... He cared for me in a way that few people have ever done and if possible it made me realise a bit more that no matter what happens He does love me and He will protect me and keep me safe.

Talking to Master has made me realise that for the first time ever i want more, i need more, i want to go further into submission with Him, something i have never desired before, i want to experiment with the dark side of BDSM and M/s, i want to go to the extreme with Him and this is both scary and exhilirating, i crave blood play, i want to experiment with the more extreme types of bondage and beatings. He is working out how to build a cage for me to be placed into, somewhere i can go when the world is getting too much, i am looking forward to that, a safe place that He has made for me. The way i speak to Him is changing as well, i am more obedient and the tone of my voice has changed, i am not a mindless robot but i am someone who will answer Him with respect and i have to ask now for things that were automatic for me, like getting a drink or going to bed, things i said i was going to do previously i know have to ask for if He is here, if He is at work then i do not bother Him with silly things, He trusts me enough to know that i know the difference between what i should do and what i am doing.

this went on a bit and i am sorry, so much in my head and it all seems to spill out through my fingers, and to be honest i am not sure if it made sense to anyone but me,

Lip Service

There was an instance the other week which has confused and in some ways annoyed me. Master had been speaking to another 'slave' about our life and who and what we were, this was a local person whom we had met briefly last year and happened to meet her again on a site we belong to.
Im conversations moved to phone chats which led to her being invited around to meet me as well and to see if there was a 'spark' between us all and this was met with her approval, she knew Master is poly and that i was a part of His life, there were no secrets or misrepresentations on His part at all. The lady in question came over, she was nice and friendly and we seemed to get on really well, from my perspective any way. She was told that this is a poly relationship, she said that was something she had experience with and liked the idea of being part of a bigger family, it was explained that she would have time with Him on her own as would i and that we would share time together as a unit, that there was no one slave more important than the other.
That day she came over we ended up playing, it was something she was wanting and everyone had a good time. Afterwards we all sat and talked some more and invatations to come over anytime she liked were issued, which she accepted with enthusiasm.
Over the next two weeks i heard nothing from her, Master was treated to brief im messages with no content to really speak of, she was in fact doing the exact opposite of what she had said she wanted and was treating us as she had said she hated being treated herself................why ?
The reason i am telling you this is that with words there needs to come actions, if she was not interested then why pretend she was ? i really fail to see what she was hoping to achieve unless it was to get screwed and played with to satisfy an ache she might have had....
It seems that more and more people are 'pretending' to be something they are not, pretending to want something they really don't, and pretending to have a desire for this life which is in fact just based on having kinky sex, why do people think they can play with others feelings and emotions and get away with it ? Why do people think that they can do or say what they like and it does not bother them ?
Guess its back to the drawing board, i know there is a person out there that wants a poly relationship with Master and He deserves to find that person, and when He does then they will have their biggest supporter in me - provided they are real

Kitten Thoughts and Feelings

I know its been awhile since i last posted, so much has happened and to be honest the time has flown by.
Padrone took me to a Bon Jovi concert, it was amazing and i can honestly say that i feel in love with another man - Jon !!
We are moving deeper into BDSM play, i am now a firm fan of needles, lol to the extent that i don't want them removed and so He allows me to wear them daily, He places them in me and then leaves them there for hours at a time, i love them and the next thing He is going to do is knife play, the thought of trusting Him enough to cut me is heady, its something i never thought i would ever crave but now i find i am begging for it, i or rather we are going into more extreme and He is pushing my limits to the stage they are crumbling at His feet.
Talking about feet, i have found that that is where i love to sit, we don't have to talk, i just feel better when i am at His feet, i sleep on the floor by Him while He is working and it just feels right * ok that sounds stupid but it just feels as if i belong there * i sleep easier and i feel safer - i know its all in the mind but honestly is that not where a lot of a slaves behaviour comes from - her mind ?
My health is still being a problem, i hate that things are still not right and so i try to block it out, i hate talking to Him about it, and that has been the one main bone of contention between us, He insists on being with me for the next procedure and i just want to go on my own, but He also knows me well enough to know i would proberbly not have it done, hhmmm sometimes a Master knows His slave too well !!
Life is a funny thing, it happens whether you want it to or not, i have a full - sometimes over full - life and there are times i struggle with what i am, it seems that there are times there is just not enough of me to go around, yet when i lay in His arms at night when things get to much for me, or i am laying on the floor by His feet i know i am home, i am where i need to be.