Another Step Closer

Another step closer to getting the all clear - i had another procedure yesterday to get rid of the precancerous cells which seem to want to stay in my body, hopefully third time is a charm and that will be the end of it, i can only hope that the next appointment in a months time will give me the all clear we have been praying for.

i think the measure of a good Master can be found in many ways, and in my case i have a Master who cares deeply for me, His caring and support through this has been amazing, He has been tough on me when i was uncertain, taking the responsibility for my health into His own hands and laying down rules and boundries that help me, He has supported me and held me in His arms when i was afraid and when i was being a brat He didn't just punish me, He looked at the reasons i was being brattish and dealt with those first, then corrected those reasons, sometimes with a punishment and sometimes with a shoulder to lean on. Its hard being a Master and knowing what to do in any given circumstance.

There have been a few people over the years we have been together i would like to have beside me while i went through all this, if for no other reason so i could talk to them and ease some of the burden from Master but as has been discovered they are not interested in me as such, more in what being friends with me can do for them in regard to getting brownie points with Master, its sad but true, and so the bulk of the comforting and care is coming from Master, He said that is His job and one He does not object to doing, it is His responsibility to care for me as i care for Him, life has no guarentees but i can guarentee He will be there for me * which made me cry, He said it while i was still emotional about having more bits cut out of my body, told Him that He should not say things like that till i am feeling more like the fiesty kitten He is used to ! *

Master sat talking to people on im last night while i lay on the floor by His feet, that is somewhere i feel comfortable, its daft i know but its as if the pain in my body is lessened by being near the strength in His body, He put needles in my arms last night as well, He had said if i was good He would as He knows it is a treat for me, and so i slept on the floor with needles in and i felt safe and protected, it was as if He was telling me without words that everything would be ok, He bathed my head when i was burning up with fever and He tended to the blood when He removed the needles before i went to bed.... He cared for me in a way that few people have ever done and if possible it made me realise a bit more that no matter what happens He does love me and He will protect me and keep me safe.

Talking to Master has made me realise that for the first time ever i want more, i need more, i want to go further into submission with Him, something i have never desired before, i want to experiment with the dark side of BDSM and M/s, i want to go to the extreme with Him and this is both scary and exhilirating, i crave blood play, i want to experiment with the more extreme types of bondage and beatings. He is working out how to build a cage for me to be placed into, somewhere i can go when the world is getting too much, i am looking forward to that, a safe place that He has made for me. The way i speak to Him is changing as well, i am more obedient and the tone of my voice has changed, i am not a mindless robot but i am someone who will answer Him with respect and i have to ask now for things that were automatic for me, like getting a drink or going to bed, things i said i was going to do previously i know have to ask for if He is here, if He is at work then i do not bother Him with silly things, He trusts me enough to know that i know the difference between what i should do and what i am doing.

this went on a bit and i am sorry, so much in my head and it all seems to spill out through my fingers, and to be honest i am not sure if it made sense to anyone but me,