We Always Want More

Strange title for kitten writing isn't it - well there is a reason, and that is as a slave it seems to be inbred that we always want more, more time with our Master, more interactions, more sex, more everything, and those who think they have nothing really do not realize how much they actually have until they have the same as another slave * this applies to poly as well as when comparing to fellow slaves/subs*

It seems that there is a 'need' to compare, to want what the others have without really knowing what it is they have, all you can see is a preconceived idea of something, no fact based knowledge and that is the worst thing, especially if you have been in a position where you know exactly what it is the other slaves are getting.

Being envious of someone is nothing new, it seems that many subs and slaves have those feelings, they are not malicious in their intent but in their actions more, and that is where things fall apart, it might be that they read something and 'assumed' or they heard something and ' jumped to conclusions' what ever the reason the feelings of being given nothing are strong, lol if only they realized just how much they actually have in comparison to others then they might be thankful for that, instead kitten has seen them push and push at their Masters, questioning and asking, wanting more and more, but for them to get more they do not seem to realise that in the case of a poly Master this means someone else will get less - hhhmm something doesn't sound right there does it ?

For a sub or a slave to get more, then someone else is going to have to get less, and if they are not getting much in the way of interaction already then how can a sub or slave take that little bit from them ? Easily - because they THINK they are getting less than anyone else already, so in their mind they deserve more, and so the circle continues.

It is a Masters choice who He interacts with, who He talks/plays/laughs/jokes with and that is how it is supposed to be, might not be as you wish it to be but hell no sub or slave will ever truly be happy unless she has 100% of the attention, kitten knows this because she feels the same way at times but the difference is kitten not does not speak to Him about nothing unless He talks to her first, kitten has learnt to wait, and if that day there is no time to talk with her then thats ok, maybe tomorrow will be kittens turn. By kittens actions she is in fact allowing her own feelings and values intrude on what should be Masters choice, her own sense of what is right and wrong is interfering with what is Masters wishes, and that is something Master is trying to get through to kittens sometimes not so bright brain

Fear

Fear is a powerful emotion, it can take over your life if you let it and at times there is nothing you can do to stop it, i am scared of many things, some rational and some totally irrational but in both cases the fear is the same, the quickning of your heart, the dizzy feeling as you struggle to breath slowly and not hyperventilate, the shaking of your body and the cold sweat that sits on your skin.

There is a big difference between being scared of something and being in fear of somethng, and this i know all to well, i have always refused to do ass to mouth, this is something kitten hates, it beings back things in her head and they are not feelings and thoughts she wants but last night she promised this in exchange for not having something else, so what is the difference ? well ass to mouth kitten is scared of * illogical she knows but it simply is * and the other thing she is in fear of * and that is also illogical but not something she can help*

Re reading this, it sounds like that ravings of a mad person, and the swopping from i to kitten and back again, guess the struggles go on, i need to be kitten and then things will be fine, kitten will be fine. it is only when i am me that i find myself lost without my anchor, Master is my anchor, and i hope to god His shoulders are broad enough for the weight

What is a Master ?

last night Master had kitten crying,,,, with laughter and it was something kitten never realised she needed, it lifted her in a way she has not felt in ages, all the turmoil in her head was temporarily forgotten and she was hurting with laughter * seems Master thinks kitten talks funny, like she says eetch instead of itch, and no matter how kitten tried, she could not say it right, but that could be because of the laughter.

How did Master know that kitten was down ? kitten never told Him, she never said a word, but He was so funny last night, lol kitten got banned from laughing at one stage as her belly was hurting and her tears were running down her face. How can one person know His slaves moods better than she does ? It was weird yet at the same time something kitten is learning to trust about Master, no matter what she says or doesn’t say, He knows kitten better than she knows herself at times, and that is scary yet at the same time a huge relief.

Kitten has a hard time talking about things she doesn’t want to bring to the front of her mind, this is an ongoing problem but for some reason Master wants to know, again this is hard, in previous M/s relationships kittens thoughts and feelings were always used against her, hence why she does not talk about them if she can avoid it * key phrase is kitten is fine thank You and then change the subject* This at times causes major problems, things build and kitten gets scared, and yes she is a whimp but that is how she is, if a person gets knocked down enough they learn to like the view from down there.

So last night was a welcome relief for kitten, for the first time in over a week kitten went to bed with a smile on her face and peace in her mind, it was a wonderful feeling and kitten learnt 5 things last night as well

#1Master is a terrible terrible tease

#2 Master now knows kitten hates spiders * this is not a good thing kitten is thinking

#3 Master knows kitten better than kitten does at times

#4 kitten needs to learn to speak properly * hhmmm wait till kitten starts talking cockney slang, that will baffle Master *

#5 Master is the One thing in kittens life that she can trust and believe in, last night proved that, no words spoken yet He knew, that is what being a Master is about, knowing those You own, helping them, guiding them and lifting them when they need it

Master may not have known what the problem was and to be honest kitten not sure He will ever be told * see the bit about talking about things * but last night certainly helped kitten more than He will ever know

Thank You Master, thank You for being You and for caring about kitten, kitten is one very lucky slave

kittens Feelings

Time is moving, it is drawing slowly and slowly closer, this coming week will be a bad one for kitten as she is working long hours all week, this in turn means her time with Master will be less, not His fault, it is just how it works out, the others He owns are in the same time zone, kitten is not, so when she wants to spend time with Him it is hard for Him as others want to as well, kitten stays up until 2am her time, but this is something she does as she has a need to be with Master and this is the only way she can at the moment, this is as it is, soon she will be with Him and that in itself brings many things to kittens mind, thoughts she does not want to answer or have in her head.

What if kitten is not good enough for Master ? What if He doesn’t like kitten ? What is outside interference make things too hard for kitten to cope with ? Where will she run to ? How can she hide away inside herself if Master can actually see her face ? What can she do when things become too much for her ?

Kitten is used to dealing with her problems herself, she has been told off more than a few times by Master for not coming to Him when things were running around in her head, jumbling up and making her have more doubts, more fears, more concerns. Kitten knows she is not the most confident of people, she listens to others too much, she allows their words to break her down, its something Master is working on, He is trying to build kittens esteem, and it works for awhile, unfortunately things then take over and she crumbles, she breaks and is back where she started, only this time she is a bit further down, and the words said and things done are added to the pile she has hidden away. Kitten deals with things by shutting them away, she closes them off and unfortunately when she does that she invariably closes a bit more of herself away as well.

Kitten knows that soon she will be in Masters safety net, she will be loved and protected, she will be wanted by Master, that is all that matters, unfortunately she has to survive the coming days until she is there, and that is something she is afraid of, she really doesn’t know if she can survive

SShhh can you hear ?

Ssssssshh, quietly, can you hear that sound?

It’s the sound of my heart breaking slowly,

Shattering into pieces as i try to understand the feelings inside of me

Can you see my tears falling, wetting my face as i sob silently?

Yet all you see is my smile, the one i put upon my face to fool the world

Let me hear your voice, i need to hear your words of reassurance

Let me savour then and hold then inside my head, take them and keep them with me

Please hold me, keep me safe, protect me yet let me grow and learn

i am so close to falling apart, i don’t know which way to turn, show me the way please

My head and heart are pounding; the pain is tearing me apart

You ask me what is wrong with me, to tell you what is causing this pain

But i cannot find the words i need to explain these things to You

I need to keep them locked away, hidden from the world

i have to try to protect myself, not give them room to grow

So all i ask is that You hold me, keep me safe from harm, take this pain i feel and make it go away

Silently i sit here and wrap my arms around my shaking body

Hugging tight to hold myself together in one piece

My head bowed on my knees as i curl into a ball, protecting myself, i cannot break now

i hear my name and lift my head, wiping away my tears, forcing a smile onto my face

Turning, looking, my smile is all you see, i am me, all singing all dancing, it will be ok

Being a slave

kitten is a slave, ok no big deal for many of you , and in some ways kitten knows that others look at her and say,, so what,, its not a big deal but for kitten it is, its a very big deal and that is something kitten will not deny, she knows she has this ‘ inherent’ desire to serve, and not just anyone, its not as if just because kitten is a slave anyone can come up to her and say ‘ Suck my cock slave’ as despite what kitten is sure some believe it is not like that at all.

So what does it mean to be a slave ? who are you if you serve another ? well honestly ,, you do not exist, there is no you, you are His and in being His He decides who you are, you are what He allows you to be, nothing more and nothing less, If He wishes you to play, He will tell you, until you are told you do not touch your body, remember its not yours any more, it belongs to Him, if He wants you to do certain tasks, you do them if it is within your abilities, whether you want to or not s irrelevant, its not your decision, If He wishes you to have sex with another be it male of female, again not your choice, its His. Everything you do or are is dependant on Him and that kitten knows some have a hard time with, lets face it, kitten still struggles at times and hell she has been in this life for years, but as each Master is different then each experience is different as well so past ‘ experience’ does not count for diddly squat.

In this life a lot,, no all of what a slave does depends on her Master, He is the controlling force in her life, the One who she looks to for guidance and help, the One she trusts and believes in above all others, He is the One constant in a slaves life and as such He has a hard job, He has to look out for His property, make sure it is happy and well, think of a car if you like, with out gas and oil and water it will cease to function, and so will a slave without love and care and nurturing, a slave is something a Master owns and just like His car or His house, time and care is needed to ensure that His slave is happy and content.

This life is not the easy escape from realism that some seem to think it is, its just life with a different twist, we have our problems the same as everyone else.

Rollercoaster of life

have you ever ridden a roller coaster, one theta turns you upside down and flips you all over the place ? It goes so fast and has so many twists and turns you wonder which way is up and which way is down, it leaves you shaking with excitement and trembling in fear all at the same time, well all kitten will say is ,, welcome to her world !

This last week has been hard for kitten for many reasons, some she will share and some she needs to keep to herself for her sanity, there are times in life when things are bleak, you look at where you are and see no way forward, things happen and it hurts, unfortunately couple that with a new project being undertaken and then things seem to mount up, the words you need to ground yourself are not there and then things grow in your mind and yes even in your heart, emotions become the order of the day and you need to either explode or shut down, both of which kitten has done, Did this change things ? Make them better ? nope not at all and then the feelings of sadness and despair take over,

kitten is a person who values things said, things mentioned, words can hurt as well as build her up, its strange life gives us so much but in return it takes more from us, its how we deal with it that counts, and sometimes kitten does not deal with it very well at all, but unless she tells Master then He will not know, but she cannot tell Him as He is busy, so kitten keeps it inside, she lets it have a part of her, it can not hurt her if she does not acknowledge it can it ? if she ignores it and pretends then things will be fine, won't they ?

kitten is kitten ,, all singing and all dancing and kitten will be fine .. she hopes

kitten is kitten,,, no more no less

Do you ever wonder about your life? About where and when it is going to go your way? When you will ever realise your dreams, your hopes? Your ambitions?

Its strange, kitten really though she was set for life,when she was with her previous Master, who was also her husband, she was happy and contented, things were ok, lol nothing is ever perfect is it and kitten served Him in everyway He demanded, some of the things kitten had to do have affected her in small ways and even now a word or a gesture can make the memories flood back, the other night was an example of that , then things changed, in a bad way, and kitten was in a place that she prays no slave or sub will ever be, she had to make a choice, her child or her Master.

It is one of the worst decisions kitten has ever made, she had no choice really, her child was dying ( kitten thanks god he is still with her and as well as he can be )and needed her so there was no contest, that in itself made kitten a bad slave in His eyes, this lead to years of not being good enough, not being worth anything, kitten was useless she was a failure lol kitten was so many things she is sure some of the words He actually made up.

Eventually kitten could take no more and He left, it was His choice though not kittens, kitten had been ignored sexually for so long it didn’t make any difference to her, He would take people home with Him, other subs and pleasure them in front of kitten and make her watch, all the time telling her she will never know the feeling of Him again as she was too fat/ugly/stupid to deserve it . Do you ever shut off inside your head ? where things said and done will not hurt you any more ? kitten became an expert at that, smiling, she used to write in her head, compose stories and poems while her expression was blankly watching ( had learnt early that to not watch was not worth the punishment received)

This is just one chapter in kittens life, it happened and there is nothing kitten can do about the past, maybe tomorrow she will tell you all about someone she meet who changed her, and in a way He is responsible for kitten being with her Master now, kitten cannot live in the past any more,, she has to look to the future but the past is something that shapes our future, it is something that makes us who we are

Kitten is kitten, no more no less, she is an owned slave and she serves her Master as best she can, yes she pisses Him off at times, but she also makes Him smile and she knows He laughs out loud at some of her kitteneze sayings, kitten has very few good friends, there is one she travels hand in hand with daily , kitten has a sister who she hopes to interact with eventually, who knows stranger things happen at sea

Kittens saying ,,,, Always remember who you are, to not be you is to pretend to be someone else

Jealousy in the family

Even if You have not suffered from a jealous rivalry between subs/slaves that You own or if you are a sub/slave and have never acted like a jealous vindictive spoiled kid against your sister you will still have probably heard that jealousy between subs/slaves can be a very powerful emotion leading to Doms/Masters having to deal with all sorts of unexpected "thrills." Neglected established slaves cannot get over the fact that they are not alone in Masters World compete against others in order to gain attention. This annoying situation can become an endless source of competition and rivalry between those You own.

Treat each sub/slave as unique individuals

Subs/slaves cannot expect to be treated the same. Giving exactly the same amount of love and attention is not always feasible and in many cases it is not even wise. This is made obvious when dealing with a slave who does enjoy pain and one who doesn’t ( just an example) If You take a flogger to one who hates pain that is a punishment yet to one who thrives on it then it becomes a pleasure.. Treating subs and slaves as individuals instead of equals can help them realise their place in Your life, it goes a long way to reducing the need in them to make comparisons with others that You own,, however a word of warning, the basic necessities are not to be ignored and that goes for their every day well being as well as their sexual needs.

Avoid comparisons at all costs

Never compare the acts of what one sister does with that of another! Instead of telling them what they should be doing by using an example like “your sister does this for Me and she does that for Me”,remind them what they are doing for You instead. Creating guilt in Your slave will never bring the desired results and You may find that You will be facing future resentments and grudges towards that slave as the feeling of never being as good as them will taint things they do.

Build on the unique skills of Your property

In order to build your slaves self-esteem, encourage her skills in a different way from that of her sister. Slaves who enjoy the outcomes of their special efforts are more likely to feel loved and not neglected. Set Your slaves successes apart and keep the necessary balance.Spend time alone with each slave Before regretting not spending more time with your slave, make this precious time your priority and focus on finding the time and the energy to explore the vast possibilities of spending some quality time together. This could be in idle chit chat, talking of Your hopes and dreams, listening to all her hopes and dreams ( and lets face it ,, they will be Yours as well if she is serving You well, Your needs are her first thought ) Engaging in one on one play time, all things that to a slave are precious

Poly Masters and slaves

A lot is said about being in a relationship and how a slave has no rights, but to kitten this is wrong, we do have some rights, and those are the rights of any human being, the right to be respected. What Master would want something He did not respect? the only type of Dom/Master would be an abusive one, to take a sub/slave and treat them with no respect is a form of abuse and it can and does destroy a slaves self esteem and a good Master builds a slave’s esteem as this makes her more worthy to Him as a person as well as a slave

A slave in a poly relationship has no rights over her Masters time and that is obvious in how she can be treated, she will sit and wait for Him to notice her, this is more evident online when the contact is limited anyway, add to this a time difference and this is more difficult, a Master will take this into account and will make sure that any time He is going to spend with that slave is hers, this does not always happen but kitten hopes that you would get that ‘special’ time at least twice a week, as everyone, including the Master needs to bond, and this is the way it happens.

Another thing kitten feels is that a slave needs to know exactly who is in the ‘ family’ who the other slaves and subs are, who else is a sister and to what degree, this is something that needs to be known, a Master who has 3 slaves is more able to satisfy the needs of His property than a Master who has 10, this kitten has seen a few times and to be honest if a Master is not telling you all involved in His life as a Master then you need to look at the reasons why ,, does He have too many to be able to be there for you when you need Him? Does He not regard you as a part of His family but more a distraction?

Kitten feels that to form a poly then all people involved need to know about each other and communicate, the doubts and misconceptions are fed when you discover that your Master has others you knew nothing about yet your sisters did and had been interacting with them alongside your Master, this leads you to question why you were not informed, a slave left out of the family is not a slave, she is just a person, and if she is to be part of the family then she needs to be included, that is not ‘Domming from the bottom’ that is being part of her Masters life, He accepted her gift of submission and all that it entailed, so to then not have her as part of Him is something she needs to ask why.

Something else that is important is you role in Masters life, what are you? if you are a sex slut then He will let you know that is what He wants from you but if He will not play with you then chances are that is not the role He has in mind for you, every slave fills a part of her Master, and a slave needs to know what part she is to fill,, if He wishes you to be a chauffeur and you cannot drive, then you will be of no use to Him! If He wants to take a whip to you and you hate pain, again some problems will arise, these are things that really need to be worked out and discussed.

It is hard for human nature not to get involved and jealousy is the one sure part of any slave regardless of whether she has been a slave for a 10 days or 10 years, the slave that says she is not jealous at some point or another is lying, both to herself and to her Master, something that a true Master will know and recognise as such, kitten does get jealous, not of the time spent with others as such but more of the time not spent with her. Kitten knows she has no rights over her Master but if looked at it another way, which Master would want a slave that is indifferent to Him? Who really didn’t care if He spoke/played/conversed with her? in one way the jealousy is a sign that a slave desires and wants her Master, and this can only be a good thing, as long as those feelings are not left to take over a slaves or a Master life then jealousy is an emotion that shows a Master how much He is love and desired, not only sexually but in an every day way as well

More kitten thoughts,, lol kitten really needs to stop writing what she feels!