This post is for me, and in this way i can say what i need to say wthout fear of others readiing it and somehow using it against me as has been done with previous posts.
It seems there is a bit of a battle going on to control me, and when i say me i mean ME not kitten but me, and the parties involved all seems to want something from me, but only one set does not want something that is going to cost me more than i can pay.
Master wants me safe, He wants me happy and that is what i want, yet there are others who want me and their reasons ? well that is open to conjecture, do they want me because they cannot have me or do they want me because they do not want me to be happy ?
it is a strange feeling to have people fighting over you but if i am honest it is not me they are fighting over, i am nothing special, i am just me, i think they or rather one party is fighting to regain something lost, they had me and they threw me away, now it seems they want to pick up the pieces, and take me back, something i am not willing to do BUT, and heres the thing, if things carry on the way they are i will be forced to leave Master and my new family as i cannot inflict this pain on them, not and feel good about myself, so in the end they would win, but they wouldn't as i still would not go back to where i once was, so in the end i would be alone and they would have got what they wanted, what ever that is
last night i was made to express what i felt when things were mentioned, i did, i forgot myself and swore, something i hate to do, why ? because everytime i swore i was punished, and that still sits on me like a chain around my neck, i forgot who i was, i reverted back to being me and that is not who i am any more, for no other reason than i don't want to be that person who was abused and let it happen, i don't want to be that weak anymore that no matter what is said or done to me i allow and then thank them for it afterwards, after i ranted i ran, again this is something i do to cope, leave to try to centre myself, get back to where i need to be, close off emotions and feelings till they cannot hurt any more, ignore things and they cannot touch me, i came back expecting to be punished but was met with understanding, this threw me, i knew what i did was wrong and deserved to be punished yet Master didn't, He was kind, asking questions, writing things for me to read, He knows how much i need words when i am struggling, He knows the value i place on them something was written that He sent to kitten, The mind runs and instills fear in the person. This is the mind's defense against uncertainty. Any conclusion it draws is negative, thus implenting fear into the equation. Never has anything been more true than it is in my life at the moment,
so as i sit and write this it is a goodbye of sorts, goodbye to letting them play games with me, goodbye to them trying to control what is Masters and that is kittens life, and goodbye to the person who would sit and accept all they would do to her, i am kitten, no more no less, just kitten and that is who i need to be, as when i am kitten i am Masters and that makes kitten a stronger person
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