Whats in a Name ?

There seems to be a pre exisiting thought that a Master owns slaves and a Dom owns subs - why ? Why does the Master/Dom only own a certain type of person ? A person can be submissive yet not be a slave, in fact if truth be told there are few that actually make good slaves, and at times i count myself amongst those that are not good slaves, does this mean that i cannot be owned because i am not always a slave ?
Depending on the situation we are in, Master will say i am a sub and we are in a D/s relationship, othertimes i have been reffered to as His room mate and sometimes i am not reffered to as anything, just kitten, does this mean that i am not His at those times ?

I see so many claiming to be slaves and maybe some of them are, but how would they know if they are or not if they have never been owned or have only been owned in a D/s situation where the exchange of power is limited ? Can they really be slaves ? Are they subs ? Who cares any way ?

I am often told that i am too hard on the new ones, the young ones who claim that this is the life they need to complete them and make them whole, that they will serve a Master in all ways, willing to be used by the Master etc etc and after two weeks they are planning to move and be with that Master without really knowing anything about Him, His situation, what He likes to eat, drink, His hobbies, His interests etc etc, How can you serve a person you know nothing about ? How can anyone just up and leave their present situation with only brief interactions with a person they have only been speaking to for a couple of weeks ? What are they running away from ? What are they hoping that this new relationship will solve for them ? Do they know the details of the exisiting relationships ? Are they willing or able to be a part of that persons life in all ways ?

To be a slave is more than being a few holes to fuck, it takes commitment and dedication, it takes trust, faith, understanding, belief, it involves being a part of the bigger picture, wanting the Master to succeed, to achieve His dreams and goals, it takes knowing the person who you are submitting to - things that you cannot really understand until you know that person. A prostitute is a hole to screw, a hand is a way that a Master can get sexual relief but a slave needs to be so much more than either of them and that is where i have a problem, and yes i know that there will be some people sitting reading this saying i am too judgemental and maybe i am, but it takes a lot to be a slave and i really can't see how anyone can claim that title after talking for a few weeks to someone.

We read all the time about fakes and players, it comes from both side of the equation, the Doms and Masters who are not real and the subs and slaves who are just relieving the boredom. i do not claim to know all the details of everyones life, maybe they are in a bad situation and submitting to someone is the only way they can live their life, and if thats the case, good luck to them, but to give up everything within a month or so to be with a person you have only just started talking to is stupid - we all know that people can and do say the right thing when its only brief interactions, yet a 24/7 situation is so very difficult and very hard as well, ask any wife or real slave and they will tell you the same

To call yourself a sub or slave is a persons right, to submit to someone who you really don't know is also their right, to instal yourself into the lifes of others without really knowing what you are getting into is your right as well and if they choose to believe all they are told then that is their perogative.

Call yourself a slave, call yourself a sub, call yourself a Dom or Master, call yourself bi sexual or poly - it really does not matter, being any of those things takes time, work and understanding of what is involved, i would not call myself a rocket scientist without first learning what it is to be one, something i think some people might be well advised to understand, to be something first you have to know and understand what it is and what it involves ..............

Another Step Closer

Another step closer to getting the all clear - i had another procedure yesterday to get rid of the precancerous cells which seem to want to stay in my body, hopefully third time is a charm and that will be the end of it, i can only hope that the next appointment in a months time will give me the all clear we have been praying for.

i think the measure of a good Master can be found in many ways, and in my case i have a Master who cares deeply for me, His caring and support through this has been amazing, He has been tough on me when i was uncertain, taking the responsibility for my health into His own hands and laying down rules and boundries that help me, He has supported me and held me in His arms when i was afraid and when i was being a brat He didn't just punish me, He looked at the reasons i was being brattish and dealt with those first, then corrected those reasons, sometimes with a punishment and sometimes with a shoulder to lean on. Its hard being a Master and knowing what to do in any given circumstance.

There have been a few people over the years we have been together i would like to have beside me while i went through all this, if for no other reason so i could talk to them and ease some of the burden from Master but as has been discovered they are not interested in me as such, more in what being friends with me can do for them in regard to getting brownie points with Master, its sad but true, and so the bulk of the comforting and care is coming from Master, He said that is His job and one He does not object to doing, it is His responsibility to care for me as i care for Him, life has no guarentees but i can guarentee He will be there for me * which made me cry, He said it while i was still emotional about having more bits cut out of my body, told Him that He should not say things like that till i am feeling more like the fiesty kitten He is used to ! *

Master sat talking to people on im last night while i lay on the floor by His feet, that is somewhere i feel comfortable, its daft i know but its as if the pain in my body is lessened by being near the strength in His body, He put needles in my arms last night as well, He had said if i was good He would as He knows it is a treat for me, and so i slept on the floor with needles in and i felt safe and protected, it was as if He was telling me without words that everything would be ok, He bathed my head when i was burning up with fever and He tended to the blood when He removed the needles before i went to bed.... He cared for me in a way that few people have ever done and if possible it made me realise a bit more that no matter what happens He does love me and He will protect me and keep me safe.

Talking to Master has made me realise that for the first time ever i want more, i need more, i want to go further into submission with Him, something i have never desired before, i want to experiment with the dark side of BDSM and M/s, i want to go to the extreme with Him and this is both scary and exhilirating, i crave blood play, i want to experiment with the more extreme types of bondage and beatings. He is working out how to build a cage for me to be placed into, somewhere i can go when the world is getting too much, i am looking forward to that, a safe place that He has made for me. The way i speak to Him is changing as well, i am more obedient and the tone of my voice has changed, i am not a mindless robot but i am someone who will answer Him with respect and i have to ask now for things that were automatic for me, like getting a drink or going to bed, things i said i was going to do previously i know have to ask for if He is here, if He is at work then i do not bother Him with silly things, He trusts me enough to know that i know the difference between what i should do and what i am doing.

this went on a bit and i am sorry, so much in my head and it all seems to spill out through my fingers, and to be honest i am not sure if it made sense to anyone but me,

Lip Service

There was an instance the other week which has confused and in some ways annoyed me. Master had been speaking to another 'slave' about our life and who and what we were, this was a local person whom we had met briefly last year and happened to meet her again on a site we belong to.
Im conversations moved to phone chats which led to her being invited around to meet me as well and to see if there was a 'spark' between us all and this was met with her approval, she knew Master is poly and that i was a part of His life, there were no secrets or misrepresentations on His part at all. The lady in question came over, she was nice and friendly and we seemed to get on really well, from my perspective any way. She was told that this is a poly relationship, she said that was something she had experience with and liked the idea of being part of a bigger family, it was explained that she would have time with Him on her own as would i and that we would share time together as a unit, that there was no one slave more important than the other.
That day she came over we ended up playing, it was something she was wanting and everyone had a good time. Afterwards we all sat and talked some more and invatations to come over anytime she liked were issued, which she accepted with enthusiasm.
Over the next two weeks i heard nothing from her, Master was treated to brief im messages with no content to really speak of, she was in fact doing the exact opposite of what she had said she wanted and was treating us as she had said she hated being treated herself................why ?
The reason i am telling you this is that with words there needs to come actions, if she was not interested then why pretend she was ? i really fail to see what she was hoping to achieve unless it was to get screwed and played with to satisfy an ache she might have had....
It seems that more and more people are 'pretending' to be something they are not, pretending to want something they really don't, and pretending to have a desire for this life which is in fact just based on having kinky sex, why do people think they can play with others feelings and emotions and get away with it ? Why do people think that they can do or say what they like and it does not bother them ?
Guess its back to the drawing board, i know there is a person out there that wants a poly relationship with Master and He deserves to find that person, and when He does then they will have their biggest supporter in me - provided they are real

Kitten Thoughts and Feelings

I know its been awhile since i last posted, so much has happened and to be honest the time has flown by.
Padrone took me to a Bon Jovi concert, it was amazing and i can honestly say that i feel in love with another man - Jon !!
We are moving deeper into BDSM play, i am now a firm fan of needles, lol to the extent that i don't want them removed and so He allows me to wear them daily, He places them in me and then leaves them there for hours at a time, i love them and the next thing He is going to do is knife play, the thought of trusting Him enough to cut me is heady, its something i never thought i would ever crave but now i find i am begging for it, i or rather we are going into more extreme and He is pushing my limits to the stage they are crumbling at His feet.
Talking about feet, i have found that that is where i love to sit, we don't have to talk, i just feel better when i am at His feet, i sleep on the floor by Him while He is working and it just feels right * ok that sounds stupid but it just feels as if i belong there * i sleep easier and i feel safer - i know its all in the mind but honestly is that not where a lot of a slaves behaviour comes from - her mind ?
My health is still being a problem, i hate that things are still not right and so i try to block it out, i hate talking to Him about it, and that has been the one main bone of contention between us, He insists on being with me for the next procedure and i just want to go on my own, but He also knows me well enough to know i would proberbly not have it done, hhmmm sometimes a Master knows His slave too well !!
Life is a funny thing, it happens whether you want it to or not, i have a full - sometimes over full - life and there are times i struggle with what i am, it seems that there are times there is just not enough of me to go around, yet when i lay in His arms at night when things get to much for me, or i am laying on the floor by His feet i know i am home, i am where i need to be.

One Year On

Well i have been here a year now, been Padrones property real time for exactly a year and in that time there has been a lot of changes.
I have seen people come and go, some i miss and some not as much. I have watched Him battle with His desicion about this lifestyle when He got involved with a vanilla person, wached the heartache He faced when she gave Him a choice, her or this life, He chose the life and i pray its not something He will ever regret. I have struggled and fought my way through some bad moments, some times when i wondered what the hell i was thinking of to give up everything for a dream, a 'fantasy' yet through it all we remained consistant and strong, the arguments not lasting long and each one giving us a clearer understanding of each other.
This life is not an easy one but it is a full one, it can and is great when it works, yet like all lifestyles it takes work and trust, faith and commitment and you can weather the storms, you can survive all that is thrown at you, you just need to know that this is what you both need/desire/want.
All too often you see this life depicted in a series of sex pictures, lol if only that was true, but its not, its about being committed, having trust, faith, hope, dreams,desires, needs, wants, and doing the dishes !!
If this is the life you truely want then i will support you, help you, guide you and encourage you - if this is a game to you then i will wish you well and hope you have fun. Everyone seeks different things from this lifestyle, for me it was an all or nothing deal, and i have it all and am so very happy

Why Do People Have Cyber Courage ?

The other day i was talking to a friend and they asked me what i had done - i was confused. Done ? in what way ? What was she talking about ? Well it seems a 'mutal' friend had displayed cyber courage once more and written about certain things, in a veiled way of course and with inferred references instead of actually coming out and saying anything but those who know me and that person both know who she was reffering to.
What really surprised me was this person approached me and started talking to me, not the other way around, and this same person spent 40 minutes bad mouthing her former Master and blaming everything on Him and others but never themselves, in their minds they are totally blameless.
Not once in that whole 40 minutes did this person ask after my health, even knowing that i have been having tests for cancer, not once did the conversation go to anything except herself and her woes etc etc yet she posts she cannot talk to me !!!
I am really surprised at how different people view the same conversation and said as much to my Master, i will admit i was pissed, furious in fact as this person has cyber courage yet when talking to me is all sweetness and light, the two facedness is something i find really hard ti understand.
I know we are all self serving at times but come on, show some respect for others, if you have something to say at least have the courage of your beliefs and tell them to their face, i so wanted to go to this other person and tel them a few home truths, clear the air but i was forbidden to do so, and so i ended up having an agrument with Master which i am sure if they had known would have pleased them !
I know there are times i am opinionated and i shoot from the hip, if people do not like what i have to say that is fine, it is my view or opinion and if you ask me something i will tell you and not lie to you unlike some will, i am confident in my self and my position with my Master that i do not need validation from others yet i am still human and if attacked i will strike back when pushed into a corner, if you don't like that then i suggest you either talk to me and bitch and moan at me or you keep quiet, posting stuff across the internet only makes you look stupid * as this is proberbly making me look right now but i am fed up with people thinking they can take pot shots at me for no reason*
Cyber courage is a wonderful thing, it makes a person look pathetic, and from what i was told * i refuse to read what was written as then i really would be feeding into their delusions* this was a cyber post which achieved nothing except to make them look petty

I am Submissive

I am submissive, i am an owned slave, i live 24/7 with my Master in a TPE relationship.
No matter what social site i am on the above sentance forms part of my profile, it is who and what i am, that does not change. So why then do 'new' people who interact with Master seem to think i am going to 'Dom' them as well ? To me it just shows the total lack of understanding of what a submissive is. I have no desire to be a switch, its not in my make up, i am submissive to my Master and i do as i am told sexually but at the same time He knows that i am not one to swop from being a sub to a dom just because some fruit loop online has desires to e 'taken' by a man and woman together.
All too often i see online people talk about how they want to be used and abused, monkey sex 24/7 and be dominated sexually, often times they get with a Master who already has a slave and seem to think that their wants and needs are the only thing that the Master is going to fulfill, to the point of Him telling those He already owns to do what the new one wants because she is new and learning. This is not how things should be, well in my opinion any way and as i am the one writing this its my opinion that counts.
A Master has an obligation to those He owns to make sure all her needs and desires are also being fulfilled, telling her to crawl around on all fours and bark does not make her a dog the same as telling her to take a flogger to a new one does not make her a switch, if she has no desire to do this and she finds it hard to actually comprehend then why would she be told to do something that goes against the grain of her very being ?
All too often when a new one comes along the facination of a new pussy, the golden hole is very strong for a Master and He seems to block out everything and everyone else out, this can and does cause damage to those already part of the 'family'. While i understand the need to spend more time with the new one to teach her and mentor her a good Master should also realise that the chances of her actually being 'real' and interested in this way of life are very slim once the initial sex fest has worn off, and if He is not careful then He will have caused irrepairable damage to the existing real slave He owns (owned). And to be fair its not always His fault, new ones coming into an existing relationship often feel they have to manipulate and monopolize the Masters time and attention because they feel inferior - this again leads to Him ignoring the basic needs of those already under His control.
A lot is said about subs and slaves not being able to handle poly and the arguments and jealousy that results from it but in my honest opinion not all Masters/Doms can handle it either, they do not understand that while they might be having fun with the new one all the time they are failing to attend to the others in the family, and that is where the problems start.
To be poly takes a certain quality in a person and that goes for ALL involved whether its a sub/slave or Master/Dom, there ae certain things that should not be overlooked as when things go pear shaped many will find themselves all alone with nowhere to turn.

Finally Back

Well i survived, after a week away from home for personal reasons i am back and i will be the first to admit i am glad. It seems that in less than a year this is now home to me, its where i want to be in my life and for good or bad the week apart from Master has had its good points and its bad.

I am in a way glad for the separation, it has helped bring us to a place where we need to be, all to often things go 'stale' and a slave gets taken for granted, if they are always there then how can a Master really appreciate all that they do for them ? The same goes for a Master, if He is constantly looking out for His property then how can she know what to do when He is not there ?

There has been a lot going on in our lives this past month and that has added to stress on both parties, hell my face tells its own tale with my eyes being nearly swollen shut with stress related sties and its been painful to say the least. There comes a time when you need to step away, take a backward step to figure out where the hell you are going and the reasons why, i know i have hadmore than a few of those moment this past month and no matter how much Master says it will all be ok and things will be fine i could not see the wood for the trees surrounding me and that scared me, would it be ok ? would things be better than they have been this past few months ? is this really what Master wants or needs in His life ? So many questions and me without an answer to any of them, just having to cope as best i can and pray things work out so He is happy and if they do then at what cost to me and my happiness ?

Sometimes stepping back is the only option and sometimes it seems there is no way forward but with faith and trust in your Master you carry on and pray that things are this way now for the eventual better outcome, are things different now ? have they improved ? will there be happiness for all involved ? i don't really know at the moment all i can do is wait and hope

Stand

I have just finished reading a book called The Freedom Writers Diary and it is an inspirational book with so much inside it but one thing that 'spoke' to me is a poem one of the teenagers wrote to read to the then Secetary of Education Richard Riley .................

Stand

Stay Black
Stay Proud
Stay White
Stay Proud
Stay Brown
Stay Proud
Stay Yellow
Stay Proud

Don't be afraid to be what you are
'cause all you can be is you
You'll never be anything else but you,
So be the best you,you can be
Keep it real
By all means
at all times

Whether a lawyer, a doctor, a football player,
A toilet cleaner, a garbage handler, a panhandler -
Keep it real
And still ---
Be the best you can be

Have pride, have dignity, stand
Stand proud, talk proud, act proud, be proud!

Don't lay down
back down
bow down
run away
sell out yourself, sell into criticism

Be real and realise that the ones who criticize,
best recognize that you are you -
take it or leave it .

"MMM HMM"
I knew you'd get it.
Get what ?
The stuff -
the stuff called pride, that attitude, that aura,
your identity, your self, your pride, peace of mind,
worry free.

See I can't be you, but I'm a damn good ME !

Life Changes

I wrote this last year, just a few short weeks after i arrived here to be with Master.....

There
are many things that kitten thinks of when she thinks of Master, He is
strong, has a body to die for, He is successful in His chosen field, He
is kittens rock when she is scared * been a few of those times* and He
is someone you can rely on to tell you the truth no matter what is
asked of Him, in all He is someone that a person, not just a slave, can
depend on BUT and this might get kitten a few bloody pillows, the one
thing He never fails to do is make kitten smile and laugh.

The other night, one of
the cats * and he knows which one he is, have no doubt kitten had stern
words with him * decided to bring a playmate home. Now for those who
are not aware, kitten is now in Florida, and this is the land of
geikos, snakes and countless other things that either crawl or slither
across the floor it seems and the cat decided it was going to bring one
in, not dead as he rarely kills them. Kitten went into the kitchen to
get Master a drink, and the new playmate ran out from under the
fridge, kitten did what any self respecting kitten would do, a
screaming dance that would rivel those on the TV !

Well kittens scream
brought Master running, think He thought kitten was being murdered, and
there ensued a scene that kitten can only describe as worthy of a
comedy show ! Picture the scene, kitten screaming and running outside,
standing on a bench so it can’t get her * found out afterwards the
bloody things can climb* and a naked Master chasing this thing
around the room with a broom, then in comes the cat, who showed total
disinterest in the scene happening in the kitchen and proceeded to
climb on the nightstand and fall asleep.

Why is kitten posting this you might ask, well for three reasons

1 – To show that no matter what the problem is, a Master will come if you scream

2- A Master is a complex person but a person none the less and will provide safety when He is able

And

3 – It was so bloody funny

The reason i posted this is to show how things change in a year, now we have a gecko living in the house with us, another playmate the cat brought in and got bored with so it hid out under the telly where it now lives, to the extent Master has taken to leaving it bits of celery and lettuce so it has a balanced diet !!!! and yeap we still have the two cats and they totally ignore it !

When i first got here i was one of two slaves Master owned, now i am the only one, during the year we have had a few come to visit and stay with us but not to actually live but we are still hopeful that someone real will come along who wants to be part of our poly family.

I have been with Master a year real time now and apart from some health issues i have been busy, i work full time yet still do the houshold chores and all the shopping, we walk approximatly 2 to 3 miles a day and play tennis 2 to 3 times a week as well, i have felled 4 trees and laid a driveway, learnt to drive on the wrong side of the road and can find my way around the town * based on what shops i have to drive past but lol as a map system it works *

So many changes in my life, so many twists and turns but through them all i have remained faithful to Master and He has protected me and guided me to where i am today. I am kitten no more no less, i am me and that is enough for Master

Another Day

Well i survived, the news while not great was not the worst case senario so i live to fight another day. There are three stages of cell abnormalities it seems - stage 3 being cancer and i have stage 1 so more surgery is in the cards for me it seems. It could be worse though so i am thankful for the small mercies and for the support and strength i have recieved from Master and my friends, that has really meant so much to me, having been through something like this before but for a family member i know first hand what can happen and i will admit i was scared.

On the bright side i am looking forward to all the new things Master has planned, He has so many things that He wants to do/learn/experience i am sure this year is going to be a whirlwind of fun and laughter, lol one of the first things is we are going to learn archery !!! not sure why but i am sure it will be fun, after that its on to the next thing.

Another thing He has planned is meeting a few people that we have been talking to, one couple is coming here and we are going to visit another couple, and lol some of the things Master and this other Master have planned for me and His one is making me tingle thinking about it !!!

I have been really busy today, made a lovely double chocolate birthday cake for Master, it seems i am not the only one with a sweet tooth ! i have wrapped His gifts and i just have to run out this afternoon and collect the last one that has been ordered and then i am all set.

This is my year, this is the year that Master and i can move forward and upwards, to really live life as its meant to be, something to enjoy.

Learning to Lean on Master

Well today's the day, today i find out if i have got the best or worst diagnosis, and i will admit i am scared but it will be what it is and like all things i will deal with it as i need to if the worst is true.
Its strange but having been one to deal with things on my own for so long i am having a hard time letting Master help me, lol very hard ! We have had more than a few words about it but the up shot is He over ruled me and is coming with me to find out the results. In one way i am relieved but in another way i am not, i hate leaning on Him because i know He has enough on His plate without me whining about my health, and if it was something minor then i would not even bother telling Him but this is something i tried to play down but unfortunately the call came about more tests and biopsy's being needed when He was there so that wasn't an option ( i am sure He worked for the Gestapo in a previous life as His interrogation techniques are amazing)
This morning resulted in another 'discussion', another one where i lost i might add and so it is with His support i will find out what is wrong and what happens now, hhhmmm and that i am really not looking forward to.
I have positive thoughts, it will all be ok and then we can move forward to bigger and better things, this is just a blip in the grand scheme of things and we are closer for it and wiser for it as well, things are now in perspective, little things no longer worry me, things said or done are no longer of any importance. Once we get today over with we can finalize plans to meet more local people who are into the same thing Master and i are, we have a few we have been in contact with who are eager to meet and there is a few who we are still in the talking to stage who seem real and want to meet, who knows maybe some new friendships will come out of it, if not then some serious playtimes are on the horizon for us both !!!
It takes a major event to make you appreciate the things you have in life, and even though i have only been real time with Master for just under a year He has proven Himself to me over and over in His support and belief in me, add to that my real friends who have supported me through this and i am a really lucky slave.

The Past Is Catching Me

Do you ever notice how the past has a way of catching up with you ? The when things seem to be going well along it comes to throw a spanner in the works ? Well its happening to me right now and i am not sure how to deal with it.
I had a phone call the other day and it was from my ex - it seems he wants me back. Now that in itself was strange enough but his whole manner and how he was speaking to me really threw me, he was pleasent, mild mannered, enquiring about me and my health * neither him or the children know about my ongoing drama with my health and the tests/biopsys as i didn't think it was fair to burden the kids with that * He wanted to know what i was up to and how i was fairing, was i happy, did i regret leaving the kids, my job and family and friends.
He was dropping very subtle hints and first and when i didn't repsond in the way he wanted he came right out and told me he thought it was time to end this nonsense and come home, he would make sure i was ok and he would look after me. Eeeeeeeerrrrr no thank you, i have been there and done that and it was not nice !!!
Now i will be the first to say that my life here is not perfect, i am really happy with Master, i could not wish for a better man, He is firm but fair, which i need, He is funny, loves to play about * hhmmm He now has this thing with the ice packs which well lets just say ..... damn they are cold * He is loving and seems to know when i need a hug and thats a bonus cos i will never ask for one but there are times unknown to me that i need one and He is SEXY !! He has drive and ambition and finally He is an all round good guy.
But and heres the thing, i miss my family and my kids, i miss my old job and i miss my friends, lol i miss the shops and the food brands * hence why i now weight 130lbs instead of 180lbs * Damn it i even miss the dog and she drove me mad ! I can't say i miss the weather cos its freezing here but i do miss the closeness of things around me. Sometimes i could sit and cry at the sense of loss i feel but then Master says something or looks at me with that twinkle in His eye and i know i made the right decision and all feeling of remorse is thrown out of the window.
I guess i am feeling sorry for myself, i am getting closer to a day i am scared of, its my daughters and my sisters birthday on wednesday, a day of celebration but its also the day i get my biopsy results and thats scary, its also a day i take a test to see if i can get another part time job so i can help more with the finances as Master has some really good ideas which He is looking into and i would love to see them come about.
I know that ex will try to speak to me on wednesday, he knows how emotional i get on the kids birthday, was his call just a paving of the way to try to wear me down ? Who knows, i might be wrong as i haven't told Master yet about the conversation with ex but He is dealing with issues and people of His own and i will not add to His burden.
Sometimes life is a strange thing, the unexpected hits you when you least expect it, i just know i have to stay strong and take the days as they come, wednesday will be my D day in more ways than one i fear.

Morning Ramblings

So much has happened in my life this past two weeks that i am struggling to keep all the negative thoughts from my head, and its hard and not really working to be honest. I have tried to take each day as it comes, looking for the good in it and the good in my life but sometimes its not easy.
I am still trying to deal with this eternal tiredness, i think its my way of shutting things out, of not letting them get to me, closing my eyes and my mind to all that is going on around me through the power of sleep * or in my case near unconsiousness * I know that is not fair to Master but most of the time He is busy so does not notice anyway so its not as if i am failing Him in my duty as His slave.
I am now finally used to not being able to sit on the furniture, i automatically sit on the floor now as is His wish and after a few mishaps getting up * lol its not easy trying to stand when you have your hands cuffed, your balance is way off * i think i might have got the hang of it, so god knows what is next, He is using subtle ways to break my independant streak.
I know this is a sort of blahhhhh post but i will be honest in that the things happening in my life are personal at the moment and not something i feel i can share just yet, next week i will and then maybe people will understand but at the moment i need to just get through each day as best i can, putting all things behind me for another day until i have some sort of answer to a lot of the things in my mind.

Rambling Thoughts

I sit here most days wondering what to write, indeed if i should write at all as really what does it achieve ? Well for me this is a place to put down a watered version of my journal, some of the more generic thoughts and ideas i have whether its refurring to basic life or the new things Master want to try play wise - and He has some GREAT ideas which i am really excited about.

I have heard many times how people are scared of needles and how they spend hours before a blood test moaning and groaning about it but this is something that does not bother me so when Master said He wanted to experiment on me with needles i was all for it - lol i am not stupid, i know that He will ensure i am safe but at the same time He will cater to that pain slut side of me.

He has so many ideas and thoughts about play, the garage is being turned into a play room, He has already made a version of a cross which i get chained to when He wants to use the whip, and the swing He can get from the 6ft whip is WWWOOOWWW !! He is also planning to suspend some chains from the rafters to hang me from, even the though of that makes me ache with desire.

As for the medical issues, well i still have a week to wait for those to come back, and added to all the rest of the stuff going on in my life that is really one thing i could do without, not only me but Master as well 'cos even though He tries to be positive for me He is worried about my health and so is sis, they both 'mother' me in their own ways and for that i love them.

Sometimes things pile up one after the other and it seems that is what is happening right now, we try to be supportive when we can and help and be sympathetic to others but at other times you feel like screaming at them and saying "If only you had half the trouble that i have then you can say something " but as usual we stay quiet and provide that shoulder for others to lean on. One of the thing that comes to mind is my daughter, i feel for her, i know all she is going through and so i listen and am sympathetic, i support her and am there for her, yet deep inside i want to tell her what i am going through but i won't as its not her problem to bear, she is so caught up in herself that she is almost blinded to anything else and i do understand her feelings, what she is experiencing is new and wonderful to her so i am happy for her and will not burden her.

Sometimes life catches up with you and you have no choice but to weather the storms and pray you make it through the other side.

A Slave in the Vanilla World

How many times do you hear that we live an 'Alternative Lifesstyle' ? That we are not vanilla ?



Well i am kitten, i am Masters slave, yet i live in a vanilla world.



Confused ? Well let me try to explain my thoughts on this.



Last night i was talking to someone online and they said that they had a submissive streak, that they had always been submissive and they longed to be able to live their life as a slave. When i asked what has drawn her to this lifestyle her answer was as followed

" I want to be used as a fck toy, to please His every whim. I want to be taken forcably and tied up, i want to be whipped and spanked. I dream of a Master using me as His plaything and not being able to resist Him."



HHhhmm this is great, a sub in the making it seems but a slave ? Hell even a sub in the sense of the word as i understand it ? A sex sub maye, used only for sexual play and nothing more, but a slave ? Not as i understand it to mean.



Where was the mention of making His life easier ? Where is the need to cook and clean for Him ? Go to work so that you are not a financial drain on Him ? Where was the yearning to make sure He was always looking smart in freshly laundered clothes ? What about the shopping and other mindless daily task a person has to do ?



When i mentioned this to her i drew a blank, she didn't understand what i was talking about and could not comprehend that a slave is expected to do these jobs as well. A slave is there for her Masters convinience and as such is supposed to make His life easier.



In a fairytale life a slave would have a servent, we would all be walking around naked waiting to be able to please our Masters with our bodies, waiting to scratch what ever itch He has at that time. Waiting to be used by Him. Waiting to be able to bring a smile to His face as He fcks us senseless. The servent would do all the other stuff.



In our house i am the servent, i am the gardner, i am the cook, i am the cleaner, i am the window cleaner, i am the shopper, i am the laundry worker, i am the job holder, i am the caretaker, i am the sounding board for His thoughts and problems. I am a slave, His slave and i do this all willingly and to the best of my ability and with the minimum of fuss and arguments, i do this because i am in a alternative lifestyle but it is still a life.



I do understand where people get the thought that when they submit to someone it will be all sunshine and roses, that they will be cared for and looked after, all desicions and problems will disappear and their lives will by some miricle be perfect but its not like that at all.



All too often people see the pictures online and think that is all there is to this life, the willingness to be dominated during sex makes them a slave, to have monkey sex all the time is all both parties are looking for and unfortunatly sometimes when you talk to a new person that is all they see this life as.



I am a slave in a vanilla lifestyle at least 80% of the time, i have rules and boundries i have to adhere to and i have rituals i have to observe, i cannot sit on the furniture without permission, i cannot just go out when i please, my time is not mine but His to dictate. I ask what clothes to wear when we go out and i get permission to cut my hair or shave His pussy * which is usually denied * Little things people do automatically i have to stop and think before i do them. I work fulltime and am usually gone from the house till 9.30 but i make sure His evening meal is ready for Him before i go and when i return i carry on where i left off, making sure He has all He needs. This is the life of a slave, not the one you see online in the pictures, but real life. Yes we play and we play hard but that is just a very small part of being a slave, most of the time we live life just like everyone else on this planet does.

This Life As Seen From A 24/7 Viewpoint

I know many people think i am hard on online relationships or part time submission but i think it is with good reason at times. I have been witness to many who think they want this life both real time and online but they want it under their terms, they want to decide what they will do and when and that is something i struggle to understand.

Many people see this as a way to add some kink into their lives, all the pictures online are sex based and people seem to assume that this is what it is. From experience i have know of someone who would shower at 2pm every afternoon while she was visiting her Master for the first time, do her hair and make up and then wait on His bed for His return, her idea of 'serving' Him was having sex every day, being tied up and flogged/beaten etc but with no thought of cleaning,cooking,ironing etc - is this really service ?

I also have been witness to others who have been online but again if the conversation is not going their way they simply sign off and leave, thus dictating their own terms of conversation - again is this really submission ? I know from experience that Master might not talk to me for hours at a time if He is busy, i work all afternoon/evening until 9.30 most days so the time i get to spend with Him is precious to me but again it is not my choice if He converses with me, He might be busy with another or out with another, that is something i have no say in and so i wait until He is ready or able to spend time with me, that is how it is and how it should be, Do i like it ? not always but it is not my choice to dictate when or if He talks to me.

I know people think that this M/ or D/s stuff is all about being used as a fck toy and lol i sometimes wish it was but its not, sex is a bonus not a right and if there is some kink thrown in then that is another bonus. This is a lifestyle, it is something real people do every day, we have the same jobs to do as everyone else, we still have all the normal everyday chores that need to be done, the difference is we make sure they are done because it makes Masters life easier. I would not dream of asking Him to do the dishes. I have had 2 procedures done in the past two weeks, both knocking me off my feet yet still i got up to cook Masters evening meal, why ? because that is what a slave does - simple as that, its my job as Masters slave to make His life easier. I have no time to be ill because that does not get the chores/tasks done.

Sometimes people need to look at their lives and what they think is lacking in them and really understand what they hope to get from this lifestyle because its still life, and that does not change whether you are vanilla,kinky,M/s or D/s, all that changes is the degree of what you are expected to serve another.

Making Comparisons

Did you know there are over 500 blogs in blog land about this lifestyle ? Now what that means is that there are over 500 different points of view about this lifestyle, over 500 different people giving their opinions and take on any given situation. That does not include the ones that are mainly sex based, this is just the ones who write about their lives as Masters/Doms subs or slaves.

Now take a look at all your real time lifestyle friends, they also have views and opinions on how this life should be. Most of them are in relationships so they 'know' what this life is all about.

Now look at your relationship - where does it fit in to this ? Do they have children ? Are they married to each other ? Hell married to other people ? Are they in a poly or monogamous relationship ? Are you more or less than someone else ? Is their life better or worse ? Do they have more or less interactions with their owners ? Are they getting monkey sex 24/7 and your not ? Do they have more rules than you ? Are they pain sluts or do they not like pain ?

Sometimes looking at others relationships and what they have is the wrong thing to do, you are only privy to certain aspects of their lives, the bits they WANT you know about but all too often you don't get to hear about the self doubt, the arguments, the fears and insecurities that they face. You don't get to hear about their everyday lives, the cooking, cleaning,washing, ironing etc. You just get to hear about the bits they want to tell you.

When looking at others lives and comparing them we are often left with a sense of jealousy, we ask why they are living the life we want, why they are having the life we crave and then we look at our lives and if you are honest you are left with a feeling of lose, we want more, we want what we THINK others have.

But do they really have it all ? Is their life really all that much more than ours ? Are they reading the words of others and thinking the same thing ? Is their life honestly so perfect that they are living it in nirvana where everything is sunshine and roses ?

The trouble with reading or listening to others views on this life is that it is something that works for them - that does not mean it is right for us. I am a slave, i am a pain slut, so reading or listening to a sub who is not into pain is not something that would be right for me. The same goes for listening to a sub/slave who has no children, how would they be able to relate to some of the things that happen in my life ? How can someone who is only online and never been real time be relevant to what i am experiencing ? A sub/slave who is in a monogamous marriage/relationship will have different points of view and issues than i do being in a poly relationship.

There is a saying that the grass is always greener on the other side but unfortunately to get to that greener grass you need to know what path to take. Each relationship is individual, the highs and lows experienced within that are relevant only to you, there is no two exactly the same and while you can look at things from a distance and dream of what they have you will never know exactly if your dreams and their realities are actually the same.

Take a look at YOUR life and see what it contains - you might be surprised at just how many others envy YOU for what they think you have that their life is lacking. Be grateful for your life and all it contains, you will never really know if it is more or less than anyone else

On The Same Wavelength

Yesterday was a bad day for me, i will not go into details as those important to me know them but it made me ask something from Master that i have not even thought about in so long - i told Him that what i was going through was not fair to Him and i fully understood if He wanted to release me, i tried to explain that my 'problems' were not something He could ever have anticipated and as such they were not fair to Him and how He wants to live His life. He refused.

After much talking and honesty between us i am finally now at that place i had only hoped for previously, i am fully His slave now. The timing of this is ironic because of the things i am - no WE are going through but in one way i think it had to be this way, i needed events to happen so i could fully allow myself to be His in all ways.

I am to be taken deeper into submission, He is going to be harder,and more consistent with me, i am to ask for more things than i previously had to - even sitting on the furniture is not my right any more, i have to ask. I have certain chores i must do daily and there is no excuse not to do them, little things that previously i would either do or not do depending on what i had planned, now my day is not mine to plan but all chores/tasks/jobs are to be approved by Him the previous night. We know that sometimes unexpected things happen and its not always possible to stick to the routine but i am expected to stick to it as much as possible - at least until He is satisfied that i am learning the lessons He is teaching.

He wants more extreme M/s and He feels that now i am finally ready to take that step and so do i, it scares me and yet i am excited. I do not need my life micro managed but i can feel His power over me more and more as the days move forward, i am falling deeper into what He wants me to be.

I am finally able to say with the utmost conviction - I am kitten, i am Masters slave and i am here because He has allowed it

Control

Last night was one of those ' Can't sleep past 3am ' nights and i was walking the block around the house at 4am and thinking and reflecting on myself, my life and my service to Master, trying to get things into perspective and my mind into that place i need. I am the type of person who needs control and structure in her life. I need to know what i am doing and where i am going to feel truly comfortable. Master understands this in me and is trying to provide that for me, little things go a long way to making me feel safe and secure, the wearing of handcuffs while i am at home and when i take my morning walks help me to remember who and what i am.

I hear many people say that they never forget that they are a sub/slave, that they live to serve their Master and i can relate to that but at the same time things happen whether at home or work that make me step back from being 'submissive' and more of an independent person, does this then make me not submissive really ? I have so many questions that race through my mind at times, its true what Master says, no one should venture into my mind with out having a safety line attached !!

I need Master to be my Master, i yearn for the control and the dominance but at the same time i fight it, resist it as i have been independent for so long that while the need to serve Him is strong there are time i fight against Him and His power, this is when i need Him the most, to re adjust my mind and my thinking, to reaffirm who and what i am and to finally punish me if that is what is needed. Just as Master needs to live His life as a Master i need to live my life as His slave.

While i don't want Master to 'micro manage' every detail of my life, *He loves the fact i show initiative and common sense, that i only have to be told something to actually do it, often times doing it on my own and coming to Him with the finished results* i do need Him to give me direction and a sense of purpose. The handcuffs for example, i wear them to feel His control while He is not around and even when He is around but i find myself sometimes not putting them on, waiting for Him to ask why, yet i need them so why am i resisting them ?

Master is learning about me as much as i am learning about Him, He is understanding what i need to take my submission deeper and further than i have before, He is showing me my 'power' as His slave and letting me explore all that it means to us both. Each day i fall deeper into submission and that is something i cannot explain, it is exciting,exhilarating and i am so scared at times by it. Each day He exerts His control over me a bit more, subtle ways that show His power over me and i am powerless to resist Him.

Control starts in the mind, it is the most powerful organ of the body and once your mindset is where it needs to be the rest seems to fall into place. There are times that my mind wanders and that Master is learning the signs for. I need to work on my communication with Him more, to let Him know when i am upset/angry/pissed off or just lost He says as He is not a mind reader and cannot help me if i am not willing to let Him.

Am i submissive ? Yes Am i a slave ? Yes - I am Masters slave and all that entails

Online Fantasies

I read so much about how this life is different to a 'vanilla' life and how so many people crave to life this way and i will be the first to admit i am one of those people who has a vast mistrust of online subs/slaves Doms and Masters, having been 'bitten' a few times by people playing games my faith in those online has hit rock bottom and it takes a lot for me to actually believe what is being said.

I met my Master online and He would be the first to tell you how hard it was to get me to have faith,trust and belief in Him and in some ways its still that way, not with Him but with others He deals with.

I see so many times people saying this is the life they crave and want to live and then over time they try to manipulate things so that it is how THEY want it, the picket fence and candle lite dinner but as an added bonus some kinky sex thrown in as well. I do understand that some people are in a relationship that isn't what they want but i cannot understand why they are still in that relationship if it is that bad, surely it would be best for people who want to live this lifestyle and are currently in a vanilla relationship to actually leave that relationship BEFORE they start to seek the promised land ?

This lifestyle is not that much different from a vanilla one, we still get to cook and clean and go to work, we still get to have fun and do the things everyone else does, the main difference is the exchange of power, a sub or slave has less rights and say in how things are unless asked her opinion or view on something, and even then its no guarantee that it will be listened to. Even the promise of lots and lots of kinky sex isn't true, sex is a bonus not a right and i should imagine from reading some of the blogs out there, a lot of people have sex no more or less frequently than anyone else does - lol and not all of it is kinky either !!!

I think people need to look long and hard at what they are REALLY looking for in this lifestyle, what is it that attracts them to it and once they have that answer they need to look at their life NOW and what is missing from it, its easy to want something you don't have but when you get it, it is not what you thought it was in the first place. I find that those who are 'dabbling' with this online are doing so because they are bored, they want something extra and this seems to be the perfect spice to zest up their lives but what they fail to realize is that they are affecting other peoples lives and that is when things stop being a game.

Everyone can say this is the life they have always needed to live and this is what they dream of but if thats the case why are they still in a relationship that bores them, that is going no where and has no appeal to them? I don't know, maybe i am so jaded by all the things i see online, the games and the pretenses, all the people who say they are something and it turns out they are not that i am too distrustful but if thats the case then ok i will admit that, but i am the one who is not going to get hurt anymore, because regardless of how much you try not to each time an online person disappoints you or hurts you a little bit more of your faith is chipped away till you really have none left

Blog Posts

Sitting here this morning the words seem to flow from me, the need to write them down and say EXACTLY what i think and feel about certain situations is so strong but i will not write them here, i will not air my 'laundry' in public out of respect for Master and respect for myself so instead i write them in my journal, that place i have for all things personal to me.

This made me think about things and made me wonder when or rather where do people write things ? Do others really want to know what i had for lunch ? Or about my fear of hospitals ? or even whether Master and i fcked last night or just had an argument ?

I read so many blogs and i am amazed at the content of some of them, they seem to be 'Master Bashing' in one post then declaring undying love in another, or they can be giving knitting advice in some yet moaning that they have lost their libido the very next day. Add to those ones who declare a certain act is a hard limit yet two months later that is all they can talk about and you have a very mixed bag of blogs, with one thing in common - they all profess to be BDSM blogs and are in this 'lifestyle' Hell no wonder so many new people get confused, i am not new and i am confused !!

Blogs are something everyone * myself included i think * imagine they are good at writing, we are 'letting the world know' what we think they want to know about us but really who gives a damn ? Those important people who you feel should know what is going on in your life will know already because if they were important you would have told them. And what about the people you write about, have you told them your thoughts and feelings ? Whether they are good or bad, have you said what you are writing to them ? Why not ? I know a certain few people have problems with me yet not once have they been 'man enough' to actually say something to me - instead they hide behind words on a screen and think that is ok - WRONG, that is not a strong persons way, it is a cowards way.

Out of respect for myself i will not post the goings on in my life that can affect Master or me, i will post general things and thoughts, that kinda stuff that does not come back to bite you on the ass sort of things, because once something is written and that 'publish' button is pressed you cannot retract those words even if you delete the post, it will have been read and someone somewhere will have seen it and stored it at the back of their minds for future reference.

Be careful what you write in a blog, it might not have the desired effect

Fear

THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT FEAR ITSELF

This is so true, i 'survived' the first round at the hospital yesterday and am still around to tell the tale, i am hurting and tender but so far so good.

Master really doesn't trust me i concluded yesterday, i was hoping He would just drop me at the door and return for me later, i had it all planned but nope - He came in with me *@#$#@#$%^%$

Entering the hospital there was a seating area where we had to wait, right near an exit, hhhmmm now if only i could get Him to leave i would be out that exit so fast their heads would spin, i think Master is a mind reader cos He held my hand and just shook His head * insert swear word here* He stayed with me till i went into that room with no exit, they see you entering and boy are they not letting you out again till they are ready ! He said He would be there when i called and with a hug and a kiss He left me, the temptation to follow Him and beg Him to take me with Him was so strong, i didn't want to be here, there was a mistake and everything was ok now so please open the door and let me out.

Once i was in the ward there were people fussing over me constantly, that scared the bejeezus out of me, not being left alone to gather my thoughts, to contain my fear and when one of them stupidly asked if i was staying the night i was off that bed in a flash, nope not me, i am going home or am not staying its that simple !!

I was taken to the theater earlier than planned * guess they thought i might still make a run for the door and to be honest if the opportunity had arose i would have !* and i was back in recovery in what seemed like no time at all but was actually a couple of hours later, they tell me my first words were to call Master so i could go home and where was the coffee they promised me !!!

Master came and was given instructions about what to do etc and we were soon on our way, i have never been so grateful as i was yesterday to see Him, knowing that now i was safe and He would protect me and look after me. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and checking that He was still there, i hurt and my stomach is swollen so its a good job i still have a few of my old clothes that are normally too big that i can still wear.

Well this is the first step down, just got to get through next weeks and then i will be able to move forward, but i know that Master will support me no matter what the results are, lol He doesn't always seem it but He really does have the patience of a saint at times which is a great quality when you have a patient as obstinate as i am - lol there was mention of tying my to the bed last night but when He saw the glint in my eye He soon changed His mind !! * spoil sport **

Thinking Too Much

Do you ever get those days when you know things are going to be wrong ? Those type of days when you wake up and you instantly can tell that there is going to be some sort of 'fall out' before the day is done ? Thats how i woke this morning and i hate it !!

I never slept much last night, too many thoughts in my head and they all seemed to mingle together. I have a fear of hospitals and i really am not looking forward to tomorrow and that is scaring me, tried to tell Master last night but unfortunately i got the " Do not let fear control you " speech, not what i wanted to hear ! * mind you He is ill so i might forgive Him for that*

My life seems to be changing so much lately and i am not sure if its a good thing or not, so many things and people now are coming into it or leaving it and for some reason i am viewed as a threat to a few of them, it is not my choice in what Master does so why do others assume that i have any influence over what He is doing and with whom ?

They say change is good but there are times when changes are needed and there are times when i want things to stay the same, that safety in familiarity is what i crave yet as with all things the world keeps turning and people keep changing and it seems that most of the time we are just along for the ride.

I know that things will all work out as they are meant to, what happens tomorrow is how things are supposed to be, the results will be as they are meant to be and the biopsy will come back clear so i can just out this behind me and move on to the next challenge that is my life. Funny how saying it and believing it are two totally different things

I Need a Spanking !!!!

I need a spanking ! For no other reason than because i want one.

Master has put me on a two week spanking ban due to my having to go to the hospital and He does not want any ramifications for my having a whipped, bruised ass which while i can understand that - boy ooohhh boy do i miss the paddle !!

I have been a week now without a spanking * or a crop/flogger/whip hell without ANYTHING marking my body* and i really miss it. Its weird, when i was with my online master i never craved it or missed it as much as i do now, the feelings and sensations Master can and does give me are intense and in some ways for me a spanking is as necessary as breathing at times.

I have at least a week to go before Master even considers using anything on me and that will be the longest week of my life, but that is the minimum amount of time, depending on the operation and biopsy results it could be longer and damn it i am not looking forward to that at all !!!!

I am not a 'cuddly' person and am not one to ask to be held when things get on top of me, i am more likely to ask for a spanking than a cuddle but i am finding myself cuddling more and more because i can't have that release i so crave, Master loves that and i will be honest i am becomming more used to that idea, lol He now calls me His soppy slave ! * Dream on Batman its only temporary*

I am counting down the minutes till i can feel that deep burning sensation as the whip cuts across my back, or that sharp sting as the cane lands on me, and do not even get me started on the pleasure my body will experience when finally the paddle is laid to rest across my ass - damn it I NEED A PADDLING !!!!

The Next Step

Last week i wrote about wanting to be pushed beyond my comfort levels, to be taken one step further and yesterday that happened. I was taken out of my 'safety' zone and pushed a bit further, not too far and Master stopped after a short while but DAMN it was GOOD !

I am a pain slut, i love the feeling as a crop/whip/paddle hits me and after the incident with the paddle when He broke it on my ass i thought i would not be feeling that particular enjoyment for a long time but He surprised me by buying a new one and then 'testing' it out.

The play started, i was cuffed and bent over on the bed and that first strike made me squeel in pleasure, the next katrillion * or so it felt* left me dripping wet and cumming hard with His permission but then things changed a bit and that is where i was taken further than before.

I moved as He went to strike me, not unusual but this time it earnt me a swat on the foot * i hate that* i was told to put my cuffed hands on my head but i could see Him in the mirror so everytime He went to use the crop on my tits i dropped my hands, it was instinct and not something i could help.

We were both laughing hard, me cos i knew He was going to do something and i was in such a good mood and Him because He has never had anyone laugh before while being 'beaten'. The play time was fun and lighthearted and i think that is why i could take the severity of the beatings, because He was with me and making it light hearted and fun.

The beatings continued and i continued to enjoy them until He stopped, groaning as He stopped i turned to look at Him and asked why He was not doing it anymore and He said that i had had enough - i had ?? since when ?? i wanted more, deserved more, craved more and trying to explain this to Him as i was still reeling in that special after glo place was not easy but He refused to do more.

Laying me down on the bed * even today i can't sit properly * He showed me the paddle, it was covered in blood, He had beaten my ass till it bleed, the first time that has EVER happened and i was not aware of it, hence why He stopped, i was in a place where i was having so much fun i was not aware of what was happening to me, the severity of the paddling and that is why He stopped.

After my body had 'recovered' as much as it could and my mind cleared a bit i started thinking and thanking my lucky stars for Master, He knew when to stop, when to pull back, when i had had enough and for that i am grateful because i did not. The place i go when i am enjoying something that extreme is a wonderful place and one that few actually really get to, they might think they do but in actuality it is very hard for someone to get to sub space, most of the time people think they are there because their minds are shutting down on the things they are enduring but sub space is completely different and not a place that words can easily describe.

Having trust and faith in your Master is a must when you want to explore your limits, they more often than not know your limits at that particular time better than you do * as i found out* and if they are new or uncaring damage can be caused, i thank my lucky stars for my Master because He does know me and He does care about me, and who knows - next time we will go further * He has brought a cattle prod and i can't wait for Him to use it on me ** i say me as at the moment i am the only one He plays with that likes pain**

Parts of Master

I am constantly being surprised by Master, be it in His reactions to people/places/events or in His dealings with issues or circumstances that arise but never more so than i am by His playfulness.

Master has at this moment got a 'fixation' on my belly button, when we are laying in bed watching TV or reading i am always on my guard because with no warning i will find myself with a finger stuck in my belly button or His face planted on my belly to blow raspberries on it, and no amount of begging or pleading will get Him to stop !!

He loves to make me giggle and scream with laughter, whether He is tickling me, chasing me with an ice block or whispering soppy stuff in my ear He know i will end up laughing because of what He is doing/saying. His finger is often found in my ear or my belly button, His tongue licking me cos He knows i will laugh at that or else He lays cuddling me only to turn His head to breath on me * and i can't abide anyone breathing on me, not even myself - omg i get goose bumps just thinking of it * He is constantly looking for new ways to make me smile or laugh

There are times when the pressures of the day seem to be too much for me but i know when i get home that i am finally able to relax and be with the person i want to be with and who wants to be with me, we talk and tease and play and just generally have a good time in each others company which is something i feel helps to build the bond between us and strengthen it, the fact we like to be with each other.

The other week when we were at dinner with His parents i asked His mother how she survived Him and His tormenting ways, she looked at me and smiled but refused to answer, saying we all have our own ways to deal with Him !!!! * don't think He stuck His finger in her belly button somehow ! *

Life with Master is a constantly learning experience, as we move through life we are learning more and more about each other, likes and dislikes, desires and ambitions, but the main thing i am learning is that i am content with Him, we get to laugh and have fun, we get to go to new places and explore new things together, we get to experience new boundaries and with Him i get to push my limits and evolve into the person He deserves.

Master is an enigma, He is funny, sweet * but don't tell Him that* considerate, witty, serious, hard working, driven, ambitious and so much more but all of these things are a part of the whole package and i am glad to be a part of that package.

Be True To Yourself

All to often we are drawn into the persona that a person projects of themselves, especially if they are ones we interact with online only. They can pretend to be whom ever they want to be, from the perfect slave who lives to serve her Master to a rocket scientist who was responsible for the latest launch, we take them at face value because we have no real way of knowing if what they are saying is true. We trust them to be honest with us as we are being honest with them.

When you have a preconceived idea of a person because of how they portray themselves online it makes things hard when you meet them in real time, the pretense is no longer able to be there, they have to be who they really are and if you spend time with them then their true nature comes out. This can and often is a shock as they are nothing remotely similar to what they have said they were.

All to often it is easy to become someone or something that you wish you were, this is apparent when a person has multiple profiles or user names on social sites, they 'swop' personalities when it suits them depending on who they are interacting with. A person can be a sub- a slave - a switch - hell just about anything they wish to be and along with that character they can also have the body of their dreams, the life that others can only envy and so much more.

To be true to yourself means that you are happy and content with WHO YOU REALLY ARE. I know my faults, i know my shortcomings and i also know my strengths and just who i am, that does not change. I go on certain sites and i am me, if you were to meet me in person i would still be the same, my body would still be slender, my hair shoulder length and my personality would be the same quirky, fun loving, loyal and faithful one it is now. I am who i am and that does not change because i am happy with who i am. I have no need to try to tell people i am everything they are hoping to be, i do not need to pretend to be something i am not.

All too often people do not like where they are in their lives and so they have to live a fantasy, this only works if you are not looking for more out of your life, if you are content to have only an online existence. I desire more, i deserve more and so i am who i am. The friends i have know and love me for being me, they are people i can count on in real time and they support me through all the times of stress and trouble as i support them.

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, who are you really ? I can ask this because the answer for my is always the same ......... i am kitten - no more - no less - just me and that is good enough for me

Belief in Yourself

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

This is a great quote and one that many people should read and take to heart.

I was talking with someone the other day in a chat room and he said i had a 'healthy' opinion of myself and while i know he was teasing as we were messing about i replied that yes i do - i know my worth, i know i am someone who is worthy of being liked/loved/respected. He was a bit surprised and asked how a slave could have such a high opinion of themselves and i replied it was because i have these opinions that i know i am the best slave for my Master that i can be.

I do not need others to give me validation, i know who and what i am, and those with whom i interact know it as well, i am a great mother, i am a trusted, loyal and fun loving obedient slave to my Master, i am a valued friend and confidant, i am a hard worker with goals and ambitions, i take pride in my appearance and that of Master, all the chores are done to the best of my ability, i am tireless in helping Him achieve His dreams and desires. All this and more go to make up the person i am and that person has value and self worth and i know exactly who and what i am.

All to often people put the blame for things that happen in their lives on other people - it is never their fault that events transpire the way they have, they look at something said/written/mentioned and automatically think its about them, this just goes to show how low their self esteem is, they are looking for an 'excuse' to react and retaliate when in actual fact there is nothing to retaliate against, it is their poor self esteem making them the victim. We teach our children to believe in themselves, to have the courage of their convictions and know they are worthy people, sometimes we forget this for ourselves.

One of the most important things for anyone and not just a slave is to have self worth, no one can give this to you, you have to give it to yourself - it does not make you a vain person, it makes you a valued person.

Experience and Advice

Thanks to the wonderful power of the internet it is now possible to share and learn more and more about any subject that you wish to learn about, from how to change the oil in your car to how to be a slave but the question i ask myself when i read some of the stuff that is written is ............ How much experience does the person writing the article i am reading really have ? Are they someone i could trust to give me good impartial advice ? Do they really know or are they just relating what they themselves have read elsewhere ?

One of the things i look for when i read things written about this lifestyle is can this person be trusted ...... now obviously i do not know this person so how can i determine if they are trustworthy ? Well one of the things i look for is other things they have written, are there inconsistency's in their writings, or do they say the same things when describing their 'adventures' in this life Is what they have written available or do they hide themselves behind private profiles and if the answer is yes then what are they scared/ashamed/worried about. Why should i trust someone who posts things behind a private profile ? This sends a red flag up to me because they are saying ' i am ashamed of what i have written but trust me anyway'

i am a slave, i live with my Master 24/7 and have been His for 18 months now, first online and then realtime for the past 9 months. During that time we have had our ups and downs, we have had periods of time when everything was sunshine and roses but we have also had the arguments and the adjustments that everyone has, i have had the jealousy and the fear and we have weathered the storms to get to the other side. When i write, i write from MY experience, things that i know about or that have happened in MY life, the highs and the lows and all the places inbetween but they are MY experiences and if i am asked for advice i will give my opinions or my suggestions if it is something i have knowledge about but i cannot advise on something i know nothing about. If you ask me the best way to communicate with your Master i will share what works for me but if you ask me how to change a tire you are out of luck as i do not know.

All too often people who have experienced this life online think they are now experts in this life,they give 'advice' to the new people who are looking at this as a way of life for themselves and allow them to move to realtime with false impressions on how it is going to be., They read things written and see the kinky pictures and decide that this is what they need to make their lives complete, and so they become experts in this life based on what they see or read because it seems like the answer to all their ailments. If the Master is poly that opens up a whole new kettle of fish in that there is little interaction between poly slaves online, all that is written is showing the poly life to be one of eternal sisterhood and all being friends together so when they all become real time they cannot shake the feelings of jealousy or inferiority which leads to more problems for them. None of this is 'experienced' online.

When you read posts/blogs/writing about this lifestyle please do yourself a favor, look at who is writing the things, are they someone with real experience, do they make all they write available, are they hiding behind closed profiles, can they relate what has happened to them impartially, have they lived in the real world or just online, does what they write change from post to post in terms of how happy/sad/miserable/elated they are, does their status change often from sub/slave/switch/Dom. Look at who is writing and not just what they have said, sometimes that is a better indication of how much experience someone has and whether they really should be giving advice.

Thoughts In My Head

Sitting here this morning i was wondering what to write, i have filled in my journal with all the ramblings that are going on in my mind, i sometimes wonder what i would do if i did not have that place to speak-explain to myself what i am thinking and why, to try to make sense of the things that chase through my mind and confuse me or leave me scared/worried/uncertain/unsure of what is happening.

There is so much that i think about, i will be the first to admit that at times my head and my mouth do not always get along, the things i say are not always what i mean, and trying to explain the thoughts that i have or the things that i see can and often does lead to disagreements and disharmony so why do i try to explain things as i see them ? Lol that is the million dollar question at times and to be honest i really don't know.

I have a very bad habit of trying to see things from another's point of view, putting myself into their shoes and trying to explain why they might be doing what they are doing and the reasons behind it, this can and invariable does lead to me being in trouble because i defend them. The worst of this is that they will never know that i am their strongest advocate, that i can understand and sympathize with them. I care about others but do not seem to care about myself, about my feelings or needs/desires/wants except for a brief fleeting moment then i squash those thoughts as being selfish.

At the moment i am sitting here still trying to get my thoughts in order, just lately i am struggling with a ' not bothered ' attitude and that scares me, its the feelings of not caring that worry me, Master says that i am finally getting back into the slave mindset but i am not sure, for too long i have had to be independent and the one who was in charge of all things in my life and the life of my family so while this might be true i am running scared from it - i want to care, i want to be bothered, i want ........ well to be honest i am not sure what i want and that is what scares me the most.

Playing Games

I never cease to be amazed at the games people play, the lengths they will go to to try to manipulate things to their own advantage and try to turn things about so they can have what they want.

All to often it is easy to blame other people/events/circumstances for what is happening in your life but when we are totally honest with ourselves and those around us we see that the blame is actually ours. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations, we want things a certain way - well just because that is how we want them and that is as far as we should need to delve into the reasons why.

I see the games being played, the things being said or done and i smile to myself initially but then i start to look at me, am i like that ? is that how i behave ? is that something that i do ?

Sometimes i can see those same traits in myself and that scares me, scares me because i don't want to be that person, i don't want to play those games but i guess its human nature to want what the other person has but when you see the whole picture, well i guess they don't have everything you imagine they do.

I see so much of the same games being played online and it has got to the stage i will not go into chat rooms or on forums anymore because i want to live my life in the here and now and not in the 'virtual' world but more and more the games that were once only played online are working their way into the real world and that is worrying to me, just because it makes it harder and harder to actually have a relationship with a 'real' person.

We all want the slice of cake that we think we deserve, we all crave what someone else has, but realistically - Do we really ? Or do we want what we THINK they have ?

One More Day

I really need to shake this infection off, my kidney feels as if it is on fire and once again i spent a night burning up, lol the only good thing is its so damn cold here in Florida that i spend a lot of time outside in the early hours cooling down so i can get some sleep. I have found that when i am shaking uncontrollably because i am cold then i can sleep if only for a little while before the circle starts again and the fever gets hold of me.

Last night i slept with my cuffs on as normal and this time i had the ankle restraints on as well, they are simple yet very effective, i am comfortable wearing them, hell even had them on when we went out for dinner last night and they were a part of me, who i am,what i am, what i need to be. i know this is not making sense to many people but given the last few days and the things my head has been turning over and trying to sort out it is making sense to Master, hence why He is adding little bits of His control and His 'mark' on me. I am to wear them to work as well, this is ok as i wear trousers and no one will see them but at the same time i will feel them and know i am there because He allows it, sure beats the other option and that is me giving up work which is what He was talking about last week and that is something i really don't want to do but know if He said i had to then i would.



i was looking back and thinking about my life - i have been with Master 10 months now and so much has happened in that short time that at times it scares me. I find myself getting deeper and deeper into my submission to Him, and while we still argue at times it is not as scary as it was in the beginning. He values my opinion and input in all areas of His life and listens to me when i am confused and not certain about things. There are times that i look at my life and it scares me, how easily i have given control over to Him, how even reading a book or watching a film is with His permission after my chores are done, and this is from someone who spent the last 5 years being the one in control and doing what needed to be done to ensure all were safe and happy.

I know this is a 'bitty' post but i have so much going on in my head at the moment that i really need to get clear before i can explain where my ramblings are going - and the weird thing is Master seems to understand this and hence why i am being shown His dominance more and more in little ways, but ways i need to hold on to to help me work things out.

One Step More

Today was one of those days that people have sometimes, days that make you realize you want, no NEED more.

Master chained me and cuffed me with the new cuffs i had made, ankles and wrists, and throat all tied and joined together with spreader bars and chains, and He proceeded to whip,cane,flog,paddle and crop me, all over my back and ass, my legs and tits as well. I came and came over again sometimes with His hand and sometimes with Him rubbing me with the crop or hockey stick hard and fast.

We then had hard and rough sex, and again i came over and over as He told me what a slut i was and how He owned me and that c*&t He was fcking. It was hot and intense and omg so much fun !!

As i lay in bliss after He had been sated i started to think and turning to Him i started to voice my thoughts and try to explain them, He understood but to be honest i am not sure that i really do. The trouble is ........... i want more, no i need more.

I want to go beyond my comfort zone, i want to take the pain and go further, harder, deeper into it, i need to push hard at my limits, i need Him to break me physically - to make me cry and beg. I want no mercy, i crave being used as a slut and something worthless. My self esteem is high enough that i know He can do this to me and still respect me for being who i am. I want/need Him to hurt me while He fcks me and show me no pity, i want Him to realize His desires - to know that what He does to me is because He enjoys it, i know He likes to hold my head down as He fcks my ass, treating me as if i am not worthy of Him but damn that turns me on.

I trust Him enough to know my limits because there are times i don't know them, i don't know when enough is enough and i have faith that He will know that.

He is looking into needle play at the moment, and just the thought of it makes me wet, He knows i am open to anything He wants as i too want to go beyond my comfort zone, but one of the most important things is i will be going there with someone who will know when i am at my limit for that time, and then build on it each time.

Sometimes enough is not enough and we need more, and i am at that stage, i crave more and more.

Yesterday

Well yesterday was a bit of a disaster !!

I had the day off from work and had imagined getting all my chores done and then spending time with Master when He got home from work - WRONG

I managed to get most of my chores done, and even squeezed in an hour to make some more jewelry which i have just started making, and i will be honest it looks really nice. I am learning to use the drimel tool more and more and with some great results so i am happy with my progress so far, and have some great pieces to wear as well !!

Chores done, shopping done, even went to sleep for a couple of hours during the day so i would not feel so drained. It was during the shopping that things went wrong, i met someone who we both knew, Master more than me, and spoke to her and thought that was the end of it, i was pleasant and even though her attitude threw me i thought nothing of it. It was not until i told Master of the chance encounter that things started to go wrong with my day. I will not go into details but needless to say i was left in tears at something He said.

Now the thing with words is - something said might not be meant the way that you take it, and He said something and i took it the wrong way so ended up being both cross and upset, i really thought i had done the right thing by speaking to her and while He acknowledged that i had, the other person was dealing with issues of her own and meeting me was not something she needed at that time. Master apologized for what He said and reaffirmed that i had done nothing wrong but by that time i was in the wrong mindset, questioning myself and those around me, asking why those He interacted with treated me that way. To cut a long story short things were sorted out and we were back on track for an evening spent together, lol again how wrong i was.

I have been feeling more and more tired each day, struggling to get through the day most times and last night was no exception, 9pm found me asleep and burning up with a fever. Master dosed me up with medicines and juice and lay with me for awhile but i was too hot for Him to properly get comfortable * that and the fact i kept pushing the covers off as i was burning up.

So once again my time spent with Master seems to be cut short, it seems if it is not other people interfering in that time it is my own body dictating the events, all i want is some time with Him that is mine but i guess that will have to wait, fingers crossed for tonight after work * if i make it there * Who knows maybe tonight will be our time.

Feeling Tired

I wish i could shake this eternal tiredness that i feel, i feel drained and worn out before the day is half over. I try so hard to stay awake but it takes over me and i fall asleep more or less unwillingly.

Master is so good about it but i know that eventually He will get fed up with it as the time we get together has changed a lot since i started working so each moment is precious to us. I know He has other responsibilities and there are times i return home and He is busy so i wait but a lot of the time i fall asleep before we really get chance to talk or interact and that is not fair to Him and in some ways me either as i cherish the times we spend together.

Working has brought a few of its own problems with it, i find it harder to get into the mindset i need when i return home, i struggle with the feelings of being 'disconnected' a lot of the times and this is something i really cannot understand as before i moved to be with Master i worked full time and ran a household with no trouble, but that is the difference between online and real time i think, with online it doesn't seem 'real' and with r/t it IS real and it is not as easy as people might think to juggle all the balls in the air and not let one drop.

Many people are cut out for online relationships because they are something that does not interfere too much with your real life, the jobs still get done and the tasks you are given are relatively small in comparison to actually taking care of your Master 24/7 - making sure He has a hot meal daily, His clothes are washed and pressed, the house is clean and orderly, the garden is neat and tidy are just a few of the tasks you have all of which you cannot do when you are online.

When you add others to the mix there can be feelings of resentment, a feeling of "Why am i doing all the work and they are getting all the pleasure ?" but it is not your choice who does what, a Master uses those He owns to His advantage and if one is a better cook than another He will obviously make the most of those skills regardless of whether it seems one is doing it all and another doing nothing.

The life of a slave is not an easy one and defiantly not one that can be picked up and put down at her/his whim, it is an all or nothing relationship and even though there are times that things get to much for you, when you seem to struggle more than you thought you ever would it is a great way to live if you are committed to it, it offers you strength and security, love and peace with yourself. Being a slave is not for everyone but for those who choose this as their way of life it IS their life, with all the ups and downs it brings.