Safety Net

Kitten is confused, the need to fight is so strong within her its scary, try as she might the feelings keep coming to the forefront and its getting harder and harder to control them.

Kitten has had things in place when for times when she needs to run, always before she has managed to shut down, to close off from what is worrying her until she is able to deal with them, but now that is gone, she is not allowed to shut herself off, and that is not good, all the thoughts, fears and concerns are there and she can feel herself having a melt down.

The threats, or forth coming actualities as at the moment kitten really isn’t certain either way, of a forthcoming visit to her from another person she really doesn’t want to deal with, that needs to be closed away, that kitten needs to be able to move away from as she doesn’t like it, yet that has been taken away from her

Kitten is being taught different ways to deal with things, different ways that don’t involve shutting off or closing down, and that scares her, its not working, she needs to fight, she needs to scream, she needs to run, those she understands, those she has been doing for so very long, they are her safety net, damn kitten is so confused, just want to rest for awhile, if kitten can shut off, no one can hurt her, nothing can get to her, being open to others is not good, kitten is like a sponge, she soaks everyone elses feelings in and they just add to her thoughts, hell just shoot her now, get it over with

Safe

Curled into myself
Trying desperately to close my thoughts away
Needing to run, to hide, to shut down for awhile
Till I have control of my thoughts once more
Silent tears falling, voices in my ears
Telling me I am worthless, telling me the truth
Hearing the words inside my head
Knowing they are lies yet believing them as truths

His voice breaks through my darkness
I try to turn away
I need to keep my distance, I cannot let Him near
His hand reaches out for me, His voice so soft yet clear
Take My hand and let me help you
Let Me take this pain from you
Trust in your Master my kitten
Trust I will always help you

Slowly my hand reaches for His
My rock in this cold dark place
His voice replacing the other ones
His words not cruel like theirs
Gently He talks to me
Softly His reasoning breaks through
His strength wrapped around me
Feeling safe within His protection

Starting to panic, not used to the love or care
Struggling to pull away, needing to fight for myself
I can’t close down, I can’t shut off, panic setting in
I need to lash out, I need to run, I need to go away
I hide my thought, I hide my fears, I cannot leave them here
Twisting in His arms, I try to pull away
I’m scared, so scared, please let me go
I need to protect myself, not let anyone too close

His arms tighten around me, His strength seeps through
Holding me tight He will not let go, His body taking my tears
Your safe with Me, never doubt that My kitten, this is where you belong
No more running, no more hiding, unless you run to Me
Take My strength, take all you need, I am strong enough for both
Let yourself be open, as you are only open to Me
You are home now, no more fear, this is how it will be
With all that I am I will protect you and keep you safe from harm

After The Fun

Kitten has been on a few adult sites, she has talked to many people and she has given advice when asked, always with the words, this is kittens view, rightly or wrongly this is what kitten thinks or feel, and to that end she has had many conversations with others looking to enter this life and what they think it is all about, and unfortunately, so many of them are wrong, very very wrong
This life is not 24 hour sex, it is not about being tied and used as a toy for Him/Her, and nor is it about playing games * but this unfortunately happens so many times * This life is about LIFE
There are times when you are a slave or sub, a Master or Dom that you play, you ‘scene’ but what when that is done ? What when the toys are packed away and you are going back to your daily life ? What does this life hold for you then ?
Kitten sees so many play games online, they think that because they ‘submit’ online they are cut out for this life, and nothing could be further from the truth. There are so many Doms out there who think this is a good way to play games with people, to get them to basically put on a free sex show for them, unfortunately kitten knows this from experience, and when you meet a REAL Master or Dom it confuses the heck out of new ones at time. It is not only the Masters and Doms though, on the flip side there are many who say they like the lifestyle, they are ‘submissive’ at heart but in reality they only want to play, they too get their kicks from camming for others, playing games online, how would they fair in life ? Not very well kitten thinks, as in real life things are not like that, hell no one is going to be played with 24/7 and thats when things are really telling.... can the peson you are with have nothing sexual between you for two weeks ? Can they and will they still be as struck on you if there is no play ? Will the attraction still be there after a month ? Extreme kitten knows but BDSM and this life is not all about sex, it is about people and life, and sometimes people tend to forget this in pursuit of an orgasm, yet those in this life, really into this life know that the play is such a small part of it, it is the living of this life that takes the strength many do not have.

A Slaves Role

Everyone talks about what a Masters role is in the BDSM lifestyle, but what is a slaves role? What is her purpose?

Ok while kitten knows that a slaves job is what ever her Master tells her, is that her only role in His life?

A Master is a man, and while a slave does look at Him as being God like, at the end of the day He still takes His trousers *pants* off one leg at a time like mortal people, that said it also means He is as prone to everyday life just as everyone else is, just because He is a Master does not mean that He is immune to all the normal everyday aggravation that living in today’s world brings.

So what is kitten’s role? What is her job, her purpose in Masters Life?

Kitten knows when Master is feeling under the weather, it is her job to try to persuade Him to slow down, take a break, ease up, this is what a slave does, she cares for her Masters well being

Kitten can sense when things are not going right in some way or another, kitten tries to ease things for Him, if it means an extra hours work for her then that is fine, it means the pressure is taken off Him if only in a little way

Kitten can tell by His conversation what type of mood Master is in and while kitten has only ever known Him to be in a annoyed mood with kitten when she has really screwed up, kitten picks up on the conversation and is supportive or silent as He needs her to be, this she does because she knows as His slave that He will never take His feelings out on kitten no matter what has occurred during the day, but at the same time kitten gives Master support in any way she can and sometimes that support is in her silence

Kitten has a few faults, most of which Master over looks and the others He is working on with kitten but at the same time it is not about kitten, there are times that no matter what kitten thinks, feels or wonders Master is the one kitten needs to focus on, and by focusing on Him her own problems are forgotten, this has a two way effect, kitten can adjust her thinking to help Master and she also realises what’s in her head is not worth bothering with most of the time.

Kittens role in Masters life is to be Masters, and that is in any and every way she is needed, just as in everyone else’s life, just because you are a Master it does not protect you from life, and just because you are a slave does not mean you cannot be there for your Master as He is there for you.

Kitten is not running

For the last few weeks things have been happening in kittens life that she did not like, people trying to manipulate her and as a result she closed her blogs and in one way closed herself off as well, but she has had enough now.

In a few weeks kitten will be where she belongs, with who she belongs and then things will either get better or worse, but if they get worse then kitten knows she has her Master and her sister beside her to help keep her focused on what is important and what is just others causing trouble.

kitten is fed up with running and this is the first step to stopping, hell you would think at kittens age she would be old enough and wise enough to be able to deal with what is going on but as was once said, " When you get knocked down enough times you learn to accept the view from the floor"
and kitten is used to that view, its only because Master refuses to let kitten accept it that she is trying to stand up once more, and its on shaky legs that she does so

kitten was given an article last night, and it summed her up to perfection, lol she was also told she was normal, not sure that bit was right but who knows, this is what kitten was sent

When introverts are stressed, they withdraw. They do this to recharge their batteries, not because they are neurotic. Introverts need time alone to bring order back into their inner world. They give energy to others and receive energy when alone.

Introverts need time alone to recharge their batteries. If denied time alone, you may become irritable and depressed.

Introverts fear failure in public and experience deep humiliation because of it. If the teacher grabs you for a demonstration of a new skill or your spouse puts you on the spot to put a bicycle together it can be extremely stressful.

• Introverts prefer to communicate in writing. They may feel exhausted by too much verbal communication that “isn’t going anywhere”. Introverts hate small talk.

• Introverts like to be prepared. If rushed to present a solution or opinion, they may be extremely uncomfortable and sometimes refuse to do so at all.

Introverts need to spend at least half their time alone for optimal good health

• Introverts love long trips, walks in nature and usually enjoy the company of animals. These activities restore their peace of mind and equilibrium.

• Introverts give energy when they are with people and need to be alone to recharge their batteries.

• Introverts need a room of their own with a door that closes.

• Introverts need to give themselves permission to communicate via email or in writing and to ignore a ringing phone (get a good answering machine).

• Decision making should take place without time pressure if possible. Introverts like to be prepared!

The scary thing is, can a slave be like this ? can she need the solitude to recharge and still be a slave ? The answer is yes she can with the right Master.

kitten was not always like this and who knows maybe she will not always be like this but at the moment this is how kitten is, as she said the view from the floor is acceptable to her, trouble is Master and her sister will not allow it and that is one battle kitten knows she will lose,

so for now kitten is back, she is here and she is fighting for herself, for her right to be Masters kitten and for her need to be His,

Scared of her Thoughts

Kitten has many thoughts running in her head, least of all the thought of not being enough, she knows she wrote in a previous post that she was worthy of Master but that was then and this is now, and although nothing has changed much the thought is in her head, and that scares her, she knows that left unattended the thoughts will take over, and that is another thing that worries her,

There are times when kitten can push the thoughts aside, she can stop them taking over her mind but there are also times when she can’t, damn reading this anyone would think kitten was a manic depressive, she isn’t normally but just lately things happen and kitten cannot control them, she doesn’t know what they are and kitten has a fear of the unknown, given her history this is understandable to some but as kitten is not prepared to go into details about previous Master and Dom then those who don’t know will be forgiven for thinking kitten is a nut job, she isn’t honestly, she is just scared.

Take last night, kitten was saying goodnight to Master and He said something, something small, about kitten learning and being smart and catching on what Master is doing with kitten, and she panicked, she knows Master will not hurt her, she has complete trust in Him both mentally and physically but she now doubts herself, is she smart enough to learn the lesson, what is the lesson, what if its something kitten can’t do, kitten then moves her thinking to other things, things that scare her bad, and if you add to that a few calls and complete silence from those kitten needs to talk to them the thoughts and fears now have a firm grip, and in this frame of mind kitten can’t shut them away, they are talking over too much so she needs to not talk to Master today, not until she gets things in her safe place, where she can close them away, she will know they are still fears and doubts but they are safe in there until things get so bad she can’t think straight anymore, then its kitten melt down time, not a safe place to be for any one

In Hiding

This song is kittens life lately it seems, just can't get it out of her head, the lyrics are what is going on in kittens life at the moment, the question is, who is stronger ,... them or kitten ?? so until kitten has that answer, hiding is the best place for her

Bleeding Love

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, baby, baby

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep (keep) bleeding love (love)
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing (ooh)
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding (ah ah)
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love (ooh ooh)
Keep bleeding (oh ooh ooh)
Keep, keep bleeding love (love)
(Oh) you cut me open and I

Keep bleeding (ah ah)
Keep, keep bleeding love (yeah ah yeah)
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love (oh, I keep bleeding love)
Keep bleeding (I keep)
Keep, keep bleeding love (oh)
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

Struggling To Find My Way

This post is for me, and in this way i can say what i need to say wthout fear of others readiing it and somehow using it against me as has been done with previous posts.

It seems there is a bit of a battle going on to control me, and when i say me i mean ME not kitten but me, and the parties involved all seems to want something from me, but only one set does not want something that is going to cost me more than i can pay.

Master wants me safe, He wants me happy and that is what i want, yet there are others who want me and their reasons ? well that is open to conjecture, do they want me because they cannot have me or do they want me because they do not want me to be happy ?

it is a strange feeling to have people fighting over you but if i am honest it is not me they are fighting over, i am nothing special, i am just me, i think they or rather one party is fighting to regain something lost, they had me and they threw me away, now it seems they want to pick up the pieces, and take me back, something i am not willing to do BUT, and heres the thing, if things carry on the way they are i will be forced to leave Master and my new family as i cannot inflict this pain on them, not and feel good about myself, so in the end they would win, but they wouldn't as i still would not go back to where i once was, so in the end i would be alone and they would have got what they wanted, what ever that is

last night i was made to express what i felt when things were mentioned, i did, i forgot myself and swore, something i hate to do, why ? because everytime i swore i was punished, and that still sits on me like a chain around my neck, i forgot who i was, i reverted back to being me and that is not who i am any more, for no other reason than i don't want to be that person who was abused and let it happen, i don't want to be that weak anymore that no matter what is said or done to me i allow and then thank them for it afterwards, after i ranted i ran, again this is something i do to cope, leave to try to centre myself, get back to where i need to be, close off emotions and feelings till they cannot hurt any more, ignore things and they cannot touch me, i came back expecting to be punished but was met with understanding, this threw me, i knew what i did was wrong and deserved to be punished yet Master didn't, He was kind, asking questions, writing things for me to read, He knows how much i need words when i am struggling, He knows the value i place on them something was written that He sent to kitten, The mind runs and instills fear in the person. This is the mind's defense against uncertainty. Any conclusion it draws is negative, thus implenting fear into the equation. Never has anything been more true than it is in my life at the moment,

so as i sit and write this it is a goodbye of sorts, goodbye to letting them play games with me, goodbye to them trying to control what is Masters and that is kittens life, and goodbye to the person who would sit and accept all they would do to her, i am kitten, no more no less, just kitten and that is who i need to be, as when i am kitten i am Masters and that makes kitten a stronger person

Trust

kitten wrote earlier about being good enough for Master, about believing she was not going to disappoint Him and that she would be fine, well how quickly things change

kitten knows she is still good enough, she knows that she is safe with Master but it seems that there are some out there who still want to play their games, games designed to hurt kitten, no to hurt me and in some ways that is worse. Things said and done are being done to me and i don't know why, games being played that i have no way of winning it seems, and there seems to be a few people sitting on the side lines waiting for it all to come crashing down.

Trust is something that i value, it is something that holds a relationship together, it is one of the corner stones of life if you like, along with respect, honesty and faith, and unfortunatly that trust was called into question last night, not me trusting Master but Him trusting me, i know He was only asking because of things said but it still hurt, and if i am honest it still does, guess those who went running to others got their wish, they got Him to doubt if only for a brief moment of time, and that was not right, i trust Him with all i am and i want Him to be able to trust me, i have not done anything to make Him doubt that trust, yet it seems others have and then it falls back to me, as i told Master yesterday, if certain things happen then i would tell Him straight away, fortunatly He did believe me, i guess half my trouble is that i try not to talk about my problems, and tend to keep them inside, i am not a me me me person like some are and therefore what is going on in my head stays there to either get shut away or grow bigger, old habits are really hard to break at times

so now i am sitting here, the questions i had yesterday still in my head and they unfortunatly are now joined by others, how do i get people to leave me alone ? how do i get them to realise this is MY life and it is what i want so badly, i am not a threat to anyone, hell most of the time i am scared of my own shadow and any way what good will it do them to keep causing me grief, i will ony leave if i am released and somehow i have a feeling that might not be happening any time soon, well not unless others don't stop causing trouble for Master and me, and then i think it might finally stop but at what cost to me ?

it seems that once again i am caught in the middle of an elaborate game being played by others, and as a final point to note, "sisterless" is not an option, i am here to stay until told otherwise, so please go play your games with someone else and leave me the hell alone