Control

Last night was one of those ' Can't sleep past 3am ' nights and i was walking the block around the house at 4am and thinking and reflecting on myself, my life and my service to Master, trying to get things into perspective and my mind into that place i need. I am the type of person who needs control and structure in her life. I need to know what i am doing and where i am going to feel truly comfortable. Master understands this in me and is trying to provide that for me, little things go a long way to making me feel safe and secure, the wearing of handcuffs while i am at home and when i take my morning walks help me to remember who and what i am.

I hear many people say that they never forget that they are a sub/slave, that they live to serve their Master and i can relate to that but at the same time things happen whether at home or work that make me step back from being 'submissive' and more of an independent person, does this then make me not submissive really ? I have so many questions that race through my mind at times, its true what Master says, no one should venture into my mind with out having a safety line attached !!

I need Master to be my Master, i yearn for the control and the dominance but at the same time i fight it, resist it as i have been independent for so long that while the need to serve Him is strong there are time i fight against Him and His power, this is when i need Him the most, to re adjust my mind and my thinking, to reaffirm who and what i am and to finally punish me if that is what is needed. Just as Master needs to live His life as a Master i need to live my life as His slave.

While i don't want Master to 'micro manage' every detail of my life, *He loves the fact i show initiative and common sense, that i only have to be told something to actually do it, often times doing it on my own and coming to Him with the finished results* i do need Him to give me direction and a sense of purpose. The handcuffs for example, i wear them to feel His control while He is not around and even when He is around but i find myself sometimes not putting them on, waiting for Him to ask why, yet i need them so why am i resisting them ?

Master is learning about me as much as i am learning about Him, He is understanding what i need to take my submission deeper and further than i have before, He is showing me my 'power' as His slave and letting me explore all that it means to us both. Each day i fall deeper into submission and that is something i cannot explain, it is exciting,exhilarating and i am so scared at times by it. Each day He exerts His control over me a bit more, subtle ways that show His power over me and i am powerless to resist Him.

Control starts in the mind, it is the most powerful organ of the body and once your mindset is where it needs to be the rest seems to fall into place. There are times that my mind wanders and that Master is learning the signs for. I need to work on my communication with Him more, to let Him know when i am upset/angry/pissed off or just lost He says as He is not a mind reader and cannot help me if i am not willing to let Him.

Am i submissive ? Yes Am i a slave ? Yes - I am Masters slave and all that entails