Thoughts In My Head

Sitting here this morning i was wondering what to write, i have filled in my journal with all the ramblings that are going on in my mind, i sometimes wonder what i would do if i did not have that place to speak-explain to myself what i am thinking and why, to try to make sense of the things that chase through my mind and confuse me or leave me scared/worried/uncertain/unsure of what is happening.

There is so much that i think about, i will be the first to admit that at times my head and my mouth do not always get along, the things i say are not always what i mean, and trying to explain the thoughts that i have or the things that i see can and often does lead to disagreements and disharmony so why do i try to explain things as i see them ? Lol that is the million dollar question at times and to be honest i really don't know.

I have a very bad habit of trying to see things from another's point of view, putting myself into their shoes and trying to explain why they might be doing what they are doing and the reasons behind it, this can and invariable does lead to me being in trouble because i defend them. The worst of this is that they will never know that i am their strongest advocate, that i can understand and sympathize with them. I care about others but do not seem to care about myself, about my feelings or needs/desires/wants except for a brief fleeting moment then i squash those thoughts as being selfish.

At the moment i am sitting here still trying to get my thoughts in order, just lately i am struggling with a ' not bothered ' attitude and that scares me, its the feelings of not caring that worry me, Master says that i am finally getting back into the slave mindset but i am not sure, for too long i have had to be independent and the one who was in charge of all things in my life and the life of my family so while this might be true i am running scared from it - i want to care, i want to be bothered, i want ........ well to be honest i am not sure what i want and that is what scares me the most.