Online Fantasies

I read so much about how this life is different to a 'vanilla' life and how so many people crave to life this way and i will be the first to admit i am one of those people who has a vast mistrust of online subs/slaves Doms and Masters, having been 'bitten' a few times by people playing games my faith in those online has hit rock bottom and it takes a lot for me to actually believe what is being said.

I met my Master online and He would be the first to tell you how hard it was to get me to have faith,trust and belief in Him and in some ways its still that way, not with Him but with others He deals with.

I see so many times people saying this is the life they crave and want to live and then over time they try to manipulate things so that it is how THEY want it, the picket fence and candle lite dinner but as an added bonus some kinky sex thrown in as well. I do understand that some people are in a relationship that isn't what they want but i cannot understand why they are still in that relationship if it is that bad, surely it would be best for people who want to live this lifestyle and are currently in a vanilla relationship to actually leave that relationship BEFORE they start to seek the promised land ?

This lifestyle is not that much different from a vanilla one, we still get to cook and clean and go to work, we still get to have fun and do the things everyone else does, the main difference is the exchange of power, a sub or slave has less rights and say in how things are unless asked her opinion or view on something, and even then its no guarantee that it will be listened to. Even the promise of lots and lots of kinky sex isn't true, sex is a bonus not a right and i should imagine from reading some of the blogs out there, a lot of people have sex no more or less frequently than anyone else does - lol and not all of it is kinky either !!!

I think people need to look long and hard at what they are REALLY looking for in this lifestyle, what is it that attracts them to it and once they have that answer they need to look at their life NOW and what is missing from it, its easy to want something you don't have but when you get it, it is not what you thought it was in the first place. I find that those who are 'dabbling' with this online are doing so because they are bored, they want something extra and this seems to be the perfect spice to zest up their lives but what they fail to realize is that they are affecting other peoples lives and that is when things stop being a game.

Everyone can say this is the life they have always needed to live and this is what they dream of but if thats the case why are they still in a relationship that bores them, that is going no where and has no appeal to them? I don't know, maybe i am so jaded by all the things i see online, the games and the pretenses, all the people who say they are something and it turns out they are not that i am too distrustful but if thats the case then ok i will admit that, but i am the one who is not going to get hurt anymore, because regardless of how much you try not to each time an online person disappoints you or hurts you a little bit more of your faith is chipped away till you really have none left

Blog Posts

Sitting here this morning the words seem to flow from me, the need to write them down and say EXACTLY what i think and feel about certain situations is so strong but i will not write them here, i will not air my 'laundry' in public out of respect for Master and respect for myself so instead i write them in my journal, that place i have for all things personal to me.

This made me think about things and made me wonder when or rather where do people write things ? Do others really want to know what i had for lunch ? Or about my fear of hospitals ? or even whether Master and i fcked last night or just had an argument ?

I read so many blogs and i am amazed at the content of some of them, they seem to be 'Master Bashing' in one post then declaring undying love in another, or they can be giving knitting advice in some yet moaning that they have lost their libido the very next day. Add to those ones who declare a certain act is a hard limit yet two months later that is all they can talk about and you have a very mixed bag of blogs, with one thing in common - they all profess to be BDSM blogs and are in this 'lifestyle' Hell no wonder so many new people get confused, i am not new and i am confused !!

Blogs are something everyone * myself included i think * imagine they are good at writing, we are 'letting the world know' what we think they want to know about us but really who gives a damn ? Those important people who you feel should know what is going on in your life will know already because if they were important you would have told them. And what about the people you write about, have you told them your thoughts and feelings ? Whether they are good or bad, have you said what you are writing to them ? Why not ? I know a certain few people have problems with me yet not once have they been 'man enough' to actually say something to me - instead they hide behind words on a screen and think that is ok - WRONG, that is not a strong persons way, it is a cowards way.

Out of respect for myself i will not post the goings on in my life that can affect Master or me, i will post general things and thoughts, that kinda stuff that does not come back to bite you on the ass sort of things, because once something is written and that 'publish' button is pressed you cannot retract those words even if you delete the post, it will have been read and someone somewhere will have seen it and stored it at the back of their minds for future reference.

Be careful what you write in a blog, it might not have the desired effect

Fear

THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR EXCEPT FEAR ITSELF

This is so true, i 'survived' the first round at the hospital yesterday and am still around to tell the tale, i am hurting and tender but so far so good.

Master really doesn't trust me i concluded yesterday, i was hoping He would just drop me at the door and return for me later, i had it all planned but nope - He came in with me *@#$#@#$%^%$

Entering the hospital there was a seating area where we had to wait, right near an exit, hhhmmm now if only i could get Him to leave i would be out that exit so fast their heads would spin, i think Master is a mind reader cos He held my hand and just shook His head * insert swear word here* He stayed with me till i went into that room with no exit, they see you entering and boy are they not letting you out again till they are ready ! He said He would be there when i called and with a hug and a kiss He left me, the temptation to follow Him and beg Him to take me with Him was so strong, i didn't want to be here, there was a mistake and everything was ok now so please open the door and let me out.

Once i was in the ward there were people fussing over me constantly, that scared the bejeezus out of me, not being left alone to gather my thoughts, to contain my fear and when one of them stupidly asked if i was staying the night i was off that bed in a flash, nope not me, i am going home or am not staying its that simple !!

I was taken to the theater earlier than planned * guess they thought i might still make a run for the door and to be honest if the opportunity had arose i would have !* and i was back in recovery in what seemed like no time at all but was actually a couple of hours later, they tell me my first words were to call Master so i could go home and where was the coffee they promised me !!!

Master came and was given instructions about what to do etc and we were soon on our way, i have never been so grateful as i was yesterday to see Him, knowing that now i was safe and He would protect me and look after me. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and checking that He was still there, i hurt and my stomach is swollen so its a good job i still have a few of my old clothes that are normally too big that i can still wear.

Well this is the first step down, just got to get through next weeks and then i will be able to move forward, but i know that Master will support me no matter what the results are, lol He doesn't always seem it but He really does have the patience of a saint at times which is a great quality when you have a patient as obstinate as i am - lol there was mention of tying my to the bed last night but when He saw the glint in my eye He soon changed His mind !! * spoil sport **

Thinking Too Much

Do you ever get those days when you know things are going to be wrong ? Those type of days when you wake up and you instantly can tell that there is going to be some sort of 'fall out' before the day is done ? Thats how i woke this morning and i hate it !!

I never slept much last night, too many thoughts in my head and they all seemed to mingle together. I have a fear of hospitals and i really am not looking forward to tomorrow and that is scaring me, tried to tell Master last night but unfortunately i got the " Do not let fear control you " speech, not what i wanted to hear ! * mind you He is ill so i might forgive Him for that*

My life seems to be changing so much lately and i am not sure if its a good thing or not, so many things and people now are coming into it or leaving it and for some reason i am viewed as a threat to a few of them, it is not my choice in what Master does so why do others assume that i have any influence over what He is doing and with whom ?

They say change is good but there are times when changes are needed and there are times when i want things to stay the same, that safety in familiarity is what i crave yet as with all things the world keeps turning and people keep changing and it seems that most of the time we are just along for the ride.

I know that things will all work out as they are meant to, what happens tomorrow is how things are supposed to be, the results will be as they are meant to be and the biopsy will come back clear so i can just out this behind me and move on to the next challenge that is my life. Funny how saying it and believing it are two totally different things

I Need a Spanking !!!!

I need a spanking ! For no other reason than because i want one.

Master has put me on a two week spanking ban due to my having to go to the hospital and He does not want any ramifications for my having a whipped, bruised ass which while i can understand that - boy ooohhh boy do i miss the paddle !!

I have been a week now without a spanking * or a crop/flogger/whip hell without ANYTHING marking my body* and i really miss it. Its weird, when i was with my online master i never craved it or missed it as much as i do now, the feelings and sensations Master can and does give me are intense and in some ways for me a spanking is as necessary as breathing at times.

I have at least a week to go before Master even considers using anything on me and that will be the longest week of my life, but that is the minimum amount of time, depending on the operation and biopsy results it could be longer and damn it i am not looking forward to that at all !!!!

I am not a 'cuddly' person and am not one to ask to be held when things get on top of me, i am more likely to ask for a spanking than a cuddle but i am finding myself cuddling more and more because i can't have that release i so crave, Master loves that and i will be honest i am becomming more used to that idea, lol He now calls me His soppy slave ! * Dream on Batman its only temporary*

I am counting down the minutes till i can feel that deep burning sensation as the whip cuts across my back, or that sharp sting as the cane lands on me, and do not even get me started on the pleasure my body will experience when finally the paddle is laid to rest across my ass - damn it I NEED A PADDLING !!!!

The Next Step

Last week i wrote about wanting to be pushed beyond my comfort levels, to be taken one step further and yesterday that happened. I was taken out of my 'safety' zone and pushed a bit further, not too far and Master stopped after a short while but DAMN it was GOOD !

I am a pain slut, i love the feeling as a crop/whip/paddle hits me and after the incident with the paddle when He broke it on my ass i thought i would not be feeling that particular enjoyment for a long time but He surprised me by buying a new one and then 'testing' it out.

The play started, i was cuffed and bent over on the bed and that first strike made me squeel in pleasure, the next katrillion * or so it felt* left me dripping wet and cumming hard with His permission but then things changed a bit and that is where i was taken further than before.

I moved as He went to strike me, not unusual but this time it earnt me a swat on the foot * i hate that* i was told to put my cuffed hands on my head but i could see Him in the mirror so everytime He went to use the crop on my tits i dropped my hands, it was instinct and not something i could help.

We were both laughing hard, me cos i knew He was going to do something and i was in such a good mood and Him because He has never had anyone laugh before while being 'beaten'. The play time was fun and lighthearted and i think that is why i could take the severity of the beatings, because He was with me and making it light hearted and fun.

The beatings continued and i continued to enjoy them until He stopped, groaning as He stopped i turned to look at Him and asked why He was not doing it anymore and He said that i had had enough - i had ?? since when ?? i wanted more, deserved more, craved more and trying to explain this to Him as i was still reeling in that special after glo place was not easy but He refused to do more.

Laying me down on the bed * even today i can't sit properly * He showed me the paddle, it was covered in blood, He had beaten my ass till it bleed, the first time that has EVER happened and i was not aware of it, hence why He stopped, i was in a place where i was having so much fun i was not aware of what was happening to me, the severity of the paddling and that is why He stopped.

After my body had 'recovered' as much as it could and my mind cleared a bit i started thinking and thanking my lucky stars for Master, He knew when to stop, when to pull back, when i had had enough and for that i am grateful because i did not. The place i go when i am enjoying something that extreme is a wonderful place and one that few actually really get to, they might think they do but in actuality it is very hard for someone to get to sub space, most of the time people think they are there because their minds are shutting down on the things they are enduring but sub space is completely different and not a place that words can easily describe.

Having trust and faith in your Master is a must when you want to explore your limits, they more often than not know your limits at that particular time better than you do * as i found out* and if they are new or uncaring damage can be caused, i thank my lucky stars for my Master because He does know me and He does care about me, and who knows - next time we will go further * He has brought a cattle prod and i can't wait for Him to use it on me ** i say me as at the moment i am the only one He plays with that likes pain**

Parts of Master

I am constantly being surprised by Master, be it in His reactions to people/places/events or in His dealings with issues or circumstances that arise but never more so than i am by His playfulness.

Master has at this moment got a 'fixation' on my belly button, when we are laying in bed watching TV or reading i am always on my guard because with no warning i will find myself with a finger stuck in my belly button or His face planted on my belly to blow raspberries on it, and no amount of begging or pleading will get Him to stop !!

He loves to make me giggle and scream with laughter, whether He is tickling me, chasing me with an ice block or whispering soppy stuff in my ear He know i will end up laughing because of what He is doing/saying. His finger is often found in my ear or my belly button, His tongue licking me cos He knows i will laugh at that or else He lays cuddling me only to turn His head to breath on me * and i can't abide anyone breathing on me, not even myself - omg i get goose bumps just thinking of it * He is constantly looking for new ways to make me smile or laugh

There are times when the pressures of the day seem to be too much for me but i know when i get home that i am finally able to relax and be with the person i want to be with and who wants to be with me, we talk and tease and play and just generally have a good time in each others company which is something i feel helps to build the bond between us and strengthen it, the fact we like to be with each other.

The other week when we were at dinner with His parents i asked His mother how she survived Him and His tormenting ways, she looked at me and smiled but refused to answer, saying we all have our own ways to deal with Him !!!! * don't think He stuck His finger in her belly button somehow ! *

Life with Master is a constantly learning experience, as we move through life we are learning more and more about each other, likes and dislikes, desires and ambitions, but the main thing i am learning is that i am content with Him, we get to laugh and have fun, we get to go to new places and explore new things together, we get to experience new boundaries and with Him i get to push my limits and evolve into the person He deserves.

Master is an enigma, He is funny, sweet * but don't tell Him that* considerate, witty, serious, hard working, driven, ambitious and so much more but all of these things are a part of the whole package and i am glad to be a part of that package.

Be True To Yourself

All to often we are drawn into the persona that a person projects of themselves, especially if they are ones we interact with online only. They can pretend to be whom ever they want to be, from the perfect slave who lives to serve her Master to a rocket scientist who was responsible for the latest launch, we take them at face value because we have no real way of knowing if what they are saying is true. We trust them to be honest with us as we are being honest with them.

When you have a preconceived idea of a person because of how they portray themselves online it makes things hard when you meet them in real time, the pretense is no longer able to be there, they have to be who they really are and if you spend time with them then their true nature comes out. This can and often is a shock as they are nothing remotely similar to what they have said they were.

All to often it is easy to become someone or something that you wish you were, this is apparent when a person has multiple profiles or user names on social sites, they 'swop' personalities when it suits them depending on who they are interacting with. A person can be a sub- a slave - a switch - hell just about anything they wish to be and along with that character they can also have the body of their dreams, the life that others can only envy and so much more.

To be true to yourself means that you are happy and content with WHO YOU REALLY ARE. I know my faults, i know my shortcomings and i also know my strengths and just who i am, that does not change. I go on certain sites and i am me, if you were to meet me in person i would still be the same, my body would still be slender, my hair shoulder length and my personality would be the same quirky, fun loving, loyal and faithful one it is now. I am who i am and that does not change because i am happy with who i am. I have no need to try to tell people i am everything they are hoping to be, i do not need to pretend to be something i am not.

All too often people do not like where they are in their lives and so they have to live a fantasy, this only works if you are not looking for more out of your life, if you are content to have only an online existence. I desire more, i deserve more and so i am who i am. The friends i have know and love me for being me, they are people i can count on in real time and they support me through all the times of stress and trouble as i support them.

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, who are you really ? I can ask this because the answer for my is always the same ......... i am kitten - no more - no less - just me and that is good enough for me

Belief in Yourself

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

This is a great quote and one that many people should read and take to heart.

I was talking with someone the other day in a chat room and he said i had a 'healthy' opinion of myself and while i know he was teasing as we were messing about i replied that yes i do - i know my worth, i know i am someone who is worthy of being liked/loved/respected. He was a bit surprised and asked how a slave could have such a high opinion of themselves and i replied it was because i have these opinions that i know i am the best slave for my Master that i can be.

I do not need others to give me validation, i know who and what i am, and those with whom i interact know it as well, i am a great mother, i am a trusted, loyal and fun loving obedient slave to my Master, i am a valued friend and confidant, i am a hard worker with goals and ambitions, i take pride in my appearance and that of Master, all the chores are done to the best of my ability, i am tireless in helping Him achieve His dreams and desires. All this and more go to make up the person i am and that person has value and self worth and i know exactly who and what i am.

All to often people put the blame for things that happen in their lives on other people - it is never their fault that events transpire the way they have, they look at something said/written/mentioned and automatically think its about them, this just goes to show how low their self esteem is, they are looking for an 'excuse' to react and retaliate when in actual fact there is nothing to retaliate against, it is their poor self esteem making them the victim. We teach our children to believe in themselves, to have the courage of their convictions and know they are worthy people, sometimes we forget this for ourselves.

One of the most important things for anyone and not just a slave is to have self worth, no one can give this to you, you have to give it to yourself - it does not make you a vain person, it makes you a valued person.

Experience and Advice

Thanks to the wonderful power of the internet it is now possible to share and learn more and more about any subject that you wish to learn about, from how to change the oil in your car to how to be a slave but the question i ask myself when i read some of the stuff that is written is ............ How much experience does the person writing the article i am reading really have ? Are they someone i could trust to give me good impartial advice ? Do they really know or are they just relating what they themselves have read elsewhere ?

One of the things i look for when i read things written about this lifestyle is can this person be trusted ...... now obviously i do not know this person so how can i determine if they are trustworthy ? Well one of the things i look for is other things they have written, are there inconsistency's in their writings, or do they say the same things when describing their 'adventures' in this life Is what they have written available or do they hide themselves behind private profiles and if the answer is yes then what are they scared/ashamed/worried about. Why should i trust someone who posts things behind a private profile ? This sends a red flag up to me because they are saying ' i am ashamed of what i have written but trust me anyway'

i am a slave, i live with my Master 24/7 and have been His for 18 months now, first online and then realtime for the past 9 months. During that time we have had our ups and downs, we have had periods of time when everything was sunshine and roses but we have also had the arguments and the adjustments that everyone has, i have had the jealousy and the fear and we have weathered the storms to get to the other side. When i write, i write from MY experience, things that i know about or that have happened in MY life, the highs and the lows and all the places inbetween but they are MY experiences and if i am asked for advice i will give my opinions or my suggestions if it is something i have knowledge about but i cannot advise on something i know nothing about. If you ask me the best way to communicate with your Master i will share what works for me but if you ask me how to change a tire you are out of luck as i do not know.

All too often people who have experienced this life online think they are now experts in this life,they give 'advice' to the new people who are looking at this as a way of life for themselves and allow them to move to realtime with false impressions on how it is going to be., They read things written and see the kinky pictures and decide that this is what they need to make their lives complete, and so they become experts in this life based on what they see or read because it seems like the answer to all their ailments. If the Master is poly that opens up a whole new kettle of fish in that there is little interaction between poly slaves online, all that is written is showing the poly life to be one of eternal sisterhood and all being friends together so when they all become real time they cannot shake the feelings of jealousy or inferiority which leads to more problems for them. None of this is 'experienced' online.

When you read posts/blogs/writing about this lifestyle please do yourself a favor, look at who is writing the things, are they someone with real experience, do they make all they write available, are they hiding behind closed profiles, can they relate what has happened to them impartially, have they lived in the real world or just online, does what they write change from post to post in terms of how happy/sad/miserable/elated they are, does their status change often from sub/slave/switch/Dom. Look at who is writing and not just what they have said, sometimes that is a better indication of how much experience someone has and whether they really should be giving advice.

Thoughts In My Head

Sitting here this morning i was wondering what to write, i have filled in my journal with all the ramblings that are going on in my mind, i sometimes wonder what i would do if i did not have that place to speak-explain to myself what i am thinking and why, to try to make sense of the things that chase through my mind and confuse me or leave me scared/worried/uncertain/unsure of what is happening.

There is so much that i think about, i will be the first to admit that at times my head and my mouth do not always get along, the things i say are not always what i mean, and trying to explain the thoughts that i have or the things that i see can and often does lead to disagreements and disharmony so why do i try to explain things as i see them ? Lol that is the million dollar question at times and to be honest i really don't know.

I have a very bad habit of trying to see things from another's point of view, putting myself into their shoes and trying to explain why they might be doing what they are doing and the reasons behind it, this can and invariable does lead to me being in trouble because i defend them. The worst of this is that they will never know that i am their strongest advocate, that i can understand and sympathize with them. I care about others but do not seem to care about myself, about my feelings or needs/desires/wants except for a brief fleeting moment then i squash those thoughts as being selfish.

At the moment i am sitting here still trying to get my thoughts in order, just lately i am struggling with a ' not bothered ' attitude and that scares me, its the feelings of not caring that worry me, Master says that i am finally getting back into the slave mindset but i am not sure, for too long i have had to be independent and the one who was in charge of all things in my life and the life of my family so while this might be true i am running scared from it - i want to care, i want to be bothered, i want ........ well to be honest i am not sure what i want and that is what scares me the most.

Playing Games

I never cease to be amazed at the games people play, the lengths they will go to to try to manipulate things to their own advantage and try to turn things about so they can have what they want.

All to often it is easy to blame other people/events/circumstances for what is happening in your life but when we are totally honest with ourselves and those around us we see that the blame is actually ours. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations, we want things a certain way - well just because that is how we want them and that is as far as we should need to delve into the reasons why.

I see the games being played, the things being said or done and i smile to myself initially but then i start to look at me, am i like that ? is that how i behave ? is that something that i do ?

Sometimes i can see those same traits in myself and that scares me, scares me because i don't want to be that person, i don't want to play those games but i guess its human nature to want what the other person has but when you see the whole picture, well i guess they don't have everything you imagine they do.

I see so much of the same games being played online and it has got to the stage i will not go into chat rooms or on forums anymore because i want to live my life in the here and now and not in the 'virtual' world but more and more the games that were once only played online are working their way into the real world and that is worrying to me, just because it makes it harder and harder to actually have a relationship with a 'real' person.

We all want the slice of cake that we think we deserve, we all crave what someone else has, but realistically - Do we really ? Or do we want what we THINK they have ?

One More Day

I really need to shake this infection off, my kidney feels as if it is on fire and once again i spent a night burning up, lol the only good thing is its so damn cold here in Florida that i spend a lot of time outside in the early hours cooling down so i can get some sleep. I have found that when i am shaking uncontrollably because i am cold then i can sleep if only for a little while before the circle starts again and the fever gets hold of me.

Last night i slept with my cuffs on as normal and this time i had the ankle restraints on as well, they are simple yet very effective, i am comfortable wearing them, hell even had them on when we went out for dinner last night and they were a part of me, who i am,what i am, what i need to be. i know this is not making sense to many people but given the last few days and the things my head has been turning over and trying to sort out it is making sense to Master, hence why He is adding little bits of His control and His 'mark' on me. I am to wear them to work as well, this is ok as i wear trousers and no one will see them but at the same time i will feel them and know i am there because He allows it, sure beats the other option and that is me giving up work which is what He was talking about last week and that is something i really don't want to do but know if He said i had to then i would.



i was looking back and thinking about my life - i have been with Master 10 months now and so much has happened in that short time that at times it scares me. I find myself getting deeper and deeper into my submission to Him, and while we still argue at times it is not as scary as it was in the beginning. He values my opinion and input in all areas of His life and listens to me when i am confused and not certain about things. There are times that i look at my life and it scares me, how easily i have given control over to Him, how even reading a book or watching a film is with His permission after my chores are done, and this is from someone who spent the last 5 years being the one in control and doing what needed to be done to ensure all were safe and happy.

I know this is a 'bitty' post but i have so much going on in my head at the moment that i really need to get clear before i can explain where my ramblings are going - and the weird thing is Master seems to understand this and hence why i am being shown His dominance more and more in little ways, but ways i need to hold on to to help me work things out.

One Step More

Today was one of those days that people have sometimes, days that make you realize you want, no NEED more.

Master chained me and cuffed me with the new cuffs i had made, ankles and wrists, and throat all tied and joined together with spreader bars and chains, and He proceeded to whip,cane,flog,paddle and crop me, all over my back and ass, my legs and tits as well. I came and came over again sometimes with His hand and sometimes with Him rubbing me with the crop or hockey stick hard and fast.

We then had hard and rough sex, and again i came over and over as He told me what a slut i was and how He owned me and that c*&t He was fcking. It was hot and intense and omg so much fun !!

As i lay in bliss after He had been sated i started to think and turning to Him i started to voice my thoughts and try to explain them, He understood but to be honest i am not sure that i really do. The trouble is ........... i want more, no i need more.

I want to go beyond my comfort zone, i want to take the pain and go further, harder, deeper into it, i need to push hard at my limits, i need Him to break me physically - to make me cry and beg. I want no mercy, i crave being used as a slut and something worthless. My self esteem is high enough that i know He can do this to me and still respect me for being who i am. I want/need Him to hurt me while He fcks me and show me no pity, i want Him to realize His desires - to know that what He does to me is because He enjoys it, i know He likes to hold my head down as He fcks my ass, treating me as if i am not worthy of Him but damn that turns me on.

I trust Him enough to know my limits because there are times i don't know them, i don't know when enough is enough and i have faith that He will know that.

He is looking into needle play at the moment, and just the thought of it makes me wet, He knows i am open to anything He wants as i too want to go beyond my comfort zone, but one of the most important things is i will be going there with someone who will know when i am at my limit for that time, and then build on it each time.

Sometimes enough is not enough and we need more, and i am at that stage, i crave more and more.

Yesterday

Well yesterday was a bit of a disaster !!

I had the day off from work and had imagined getting all my chores done and then spending time with Master when He got home from work - WRONG

I managed to get most of my chores done, and even squeezed in an hour to make some more jewelry which i have just started making, and i will be honest it looks really nice. I am learning to use the drimel tool more and more and with some great results so i am happy with my progress so far, and have some great pieces to wear as well !!

Chores done, shopping done, even went to sleep for a couple of hours during the day so i would not feel so drained. It was during the shopping that things went wrong, i met someone who we both knew, Master more than me, and spoke to her and thought that was the end of it, i was pleasant and even though her attitude threw me i thought nothing of it. It was not until i told Master of the chance encounter that things started to go wrong with my day. I will not go into details but needless to say i was left in tears at something He said.

Now the thing with words is - something said might not be meant the way that you take it, and He said something and i took it the wrong way so ended up being both cross and upset, i really thought i had done the right thing by speaking to her and while He acknowledged that i had, the other person was dealing with issues of her own and meeting me was not something she needed at that time. Master apologized for what He said and reaffirmed that i had done nothing wrong but by that time i was in the wrong mindset, questioning myself and those around me, asking why those He interacted with treated me that way. To cut a long story short things were sorted out and we were back on track for an evening spent together, lol again how wrong i was.

I have been feeling more and more tired each day, struggling to get through the day most times and last night was no exception, 9pm found me asleep and burning up with a fever. Master dosed me up with medicines and juice and lay with me for awhile but i was too hot for Him to properly get comfortable * that and the fact i kept pushing the covers off as i was burning up.

So once again my time spent with Master seems to be cut short, it seems if it is not other people interfering in that time it is my own body dictating the events, all i want is some time with Him that is mine but i guess that will have to wait, fingers crossed for tonight after work * if i make it there * Who knows maybe tonight will be our time.

Feeling Tired

I wish i could shake this eternal tiredness that i feel, i feel drained and worn out before the day is half over. I try so hard to stay awake but it takes over me and i fall asleep more or less unwillingly.

Master is so good about it but i know that eventually He will get fed up with it as the time we get together has changed a lot since i started working so each moment is precious to us. I know He has other responsibilities and there are times i return home and He is busy so i wait but a lot of the time i fall asleep before we really get chance to talk or interact and that is not fair to Him and in some ways me either as i cherish the times we spend together.

Working has brought a few of its own problems with it, i find it harder to get into the mindset i need when i return home, i struggle with the feelings of being 'disconnected' a lot of the times and this is something i really cannot understand as before i moved to be with Master i worked full time and ran a household with no trouble, but that is the difference between online and real time i think, with online it doesn't seem 'real' and with r/t it IS real and it is not as easy as people might think to juggle all the balls in the air and not let one drop.

Many people are cut out for online relationships because they are something that does not interfere too much with your real life, the jobs still get done and the tasks you are given are relatively small in comparison to actually taking care of your Master 24/7 - making sure He has a hot meal daily, His clothes are washed and pressed, the house is clean and orderly, the garden is neat and tidy are just a few of the tasks you have all of which you cannot do when you are online.

When you add others to the mix there can be feelings of resentment, a feeling of "Why am i doing all the work and they are getting all the pleasure ?" but it is not your choice who does what, a Master uses those He owns to His advantage and if one is a better cook than another He will obviously make the most of those skills regardless of whether it seems one is doing it all and another doing nothing.

The life of a slave is not an easy one and defiantly not one that can be picked up and put down at her/his whim, it is an all or nothing relationship and even though there are times that things get to much for you, when you seem to struggle more than you thought you ever would it is a great way to live if you are committed to it, it offers you strength and security, love and peace with yourself. Being a slave is not for everyone but for those who choose this as their way of life it IS their life, with all the ups and downs it brings.

Life and the New Year

Sitting here thinking over the last few months its amazing how my life has changed, i am now working which is something i have wanted to do since i arrived her, unfortunatly circumstances made that a long drawn out process but finally with all things being worked out i am now employed and finding my feet in the land of the working. I will not lie and say its easy, i am finding it hard to do all the chores i need to do and work full time and still have the energy to interact with Master when i get home, and, bless Him, He is staying up later so we can have some time together.

I am tired all the time, a recent visit to the doctors informed me that my blood pressure is too low and i am anemic, and i have lost another 7lbs since my last visit * and trust me i am not trying to lose weight- add to that the test results that came back abnormal and them booking me in for a biopsy to decide what to do next and my stress levels and energy levels are not on the same rung of the ladder !!

The new year is here and with it a new chapter in my life, i know it will be full of ups and downs, i am not naive enough to believe it will all be sunshine and roses, it is life and as such it will take many twists and turns but i know if i am committed to living my life as His slave, to always striving to do my best then when the hard times hit i will be secure in the knowledge that He will support me and give me the protection and comfort i need.

Reflection Of Your Master

The other day i was at home cleaning and just doing the usual chores around the house when Master called and told me He had left some keys He needed in the drawer and could i bring them to His office so without thinking i got in the car and drove to His office. When i arrived at His office i waited in the car and text Him that i was there, now i have been in His office many times and met His co-workers so why did i not just take them in ? The reason was i was dressed in my 'cleaning clothes' - old faded jeans and a sloppy.

Master came out and collected the keys and looking at His watch He told me to hang around for a little while and then we would go to lunch together, i was in turmoil, i wanted to go to lunch with Him but i was not dressed to be seen in public with Him. Seeing the turmoil on my face He asked what was wrong and i told Him, i was not comfortable being out with Him dressed as i was, i am a reflection on Him not only in my behavior but in my attire as well and while i was dressed ok for cleaning i was in no way dressed to go to lunch with Him. Looking me over He said i was fine and the fact i was aware of my clothes and how i was dressed was a good thing, that He would not be concerned about it this once.

Dutifully i sat in the car for a little while as He finished up a meeting and when He had done He came out again and said He had a few calls to make, jumping on this i asked if it was possible for me to meet Him at the restaurant and go home to shower and change, that way i could go to work from lunch and save time for us both. He smiled and agreed, telling me that He understood how uncomfortable i was feeling.

I drove home, showered and dressed and met Him at the restaurant an hour later, dressed smartly and with my hair and make up in place.We had a lovely lunch, full of laughter and teasing and talking after which i went to work and He returned to His office.

The reason i am writing this is all to many times people forget they are a reflection on their Masters or Doms. Their attitude, their attire and their compliance to do things are all things that are reflected back onto their Masters. How much pride can a Master have in a slave who walks around Walmart in their pj's ? Or who attends a munch and spends the evening drawing attention to themselves with their loud and often bragging tirade about themselves ? Or who is given tasks to do and then spends a week moaning and bitching about how it will never work without even trying to complete it ?

We are a reflection of our Owners, we are a 'testiment' to them as Masters and Doms and how we carry ourselves and how we act are all parts of what a Master can take pride in, and i know that i for one want my Master proud of me. Remember that next time you go to the store, to a munch or even to lunch, how can a Master take pride in us if we are not taking pride in ourselves ?

Feeling 'Safe'

I here many people say that their collar gives them a sense of security and it helps to bring them closer to their Master or Dom and while my Master does not believe in a collar i also have something that i 'need' * for want of a better word * to give me the feeling of security and well being, especially if He is away or i am feeling lost or uncertain.

I have a set of handcuffs that i wear while i am in the house, as soon as i enter i am required to put them on and they stay on until i leave the house again, only to be worn again when i return. The cuffs are my 'safety net' they help me to focus and get things into perspective. I have recently started work again and in my job i am responsible for myself, my performance and my abilities cannot be dictated to me by my Master and i will admit i have been struggling to remove that 'independent streak' that i have had to have while working and so i have been finding it more and more difficult to get myself back into the space i need when i come home, yet as soon as the cuffs go on i feel the connection and the bond to Master, they help me to refocus my mind and know that i am only working because Master allows it, that i am a part of His life even if He is out with others, that no matter what the circumstances are in my life i am still His slave.

All too often things happen and i have no control over them, yet while i have my cuffs around my wrists i get the sense of well being, that things will be ok and this is just a bump in the road, maybe i am giving the cuffs too much power and the real growing and learning is coming from me, i don't know, all i know is that the cuffs are my security blanket at the moment and they are powerful in that they hold so much meaning for me.