I Am Kitten

This post has been deleted as people decided it was about them - in truth it wasn't it was something i wrote on one of my blogs a long time ago and just updated it, it was something that i was seeing over and over again on a certain friend site, people with multiple profiles and multiple personalities and how they were playing others in the rooms.

If the original post offened you i would like to ask you why ? is it because it somehow rings true about you ?

Trust and Faith in your Master

What is it about marks and bruises on my body that make me smile ? I am sitting here 'gingerly' as my back,legs,tits and belly as well as my pussy and thighs are a wonderful patchwork of crop,cane,belt and paddle marks, the bruises and welts a testiment to the pleasure i recieved at Masters hands last night.

I love the first strike, then as the scene progresses the 'burning' sensation that covers me, and if Master is concentrating on one area the sharp pain which turns to a hot ache as that area is struck repeatedly, yet as i lay there with my eyes closed and my hands bound i have no fear, i know deep inside that He will not hurt me and that sounds really weird as this Man is paddling me and whipping me hard enough to leave welt marks and raised skin, to bring the blood to the surface and almost cause it to flow but fear is never an emotion i think of in association with Him

I have at times made Him so cross that He is in my face shouting at me, He has banished me from His sight, He has walked away from me to calm Himself down yet still i did not fear for my safety.

The faith and trust a slave puts in her Master, regardless of whether she is one who enjoys paddling or not is one of the basic foundations of this lifestyle, she has to trust that He will keep her safe and not hurt her, she has to have faith that even during the hight of play He will be in control enough to know what is enough for her, she is putting her life in His hands and she needs to believe that He will always do His best to protect and guide her, without the basic trust and faith in her Master these simple things become a struggle for the slave, she will have doubts and fears that unless she believes in Him 100% will not leave her and so taint the whole relationship.

People in any form of relationship need these basic foundations, but they are more important in a BDSM M/s relationship as there is an element of 'danger' in the play times, the whips and canes can do real damage to a person and unless you have complete faith in your Master you will not allow yourself the freedom to explore all that this lifestyle can hold.

Sitting here i can feel the slight sting of some of the marks, my smile playing on my lips as i wonder if they will be faded enough for the doctors visit on friday, chuckling at the expression on his face as he sees the bruises, wondering how i am ever going to explain the pleasure i felt while recieving them and knowing in my mind that the doctor would never understand.
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With Masters Permission

When you are at school the teachers tell you that we are all equal, that we all have the same rights and that no one is better than anyone else. Most schools now days have done away with the sports days, as they believe that promoting awinning attitude is wrong for those less able, that by not winning you are in some ways damaging the self esteem of the 'loser'.

In a M/s relationship there is no equality, the 'power' lies with the Master, a slave is given certain 'rights' as deemed by her Master but those rights are subject to change - she misbehaves and privledges are removed until she has learnt her lesson, if indeed she does learn a lesson. Telling your Master sorry doesn't work, in most cases it is a word, and actions need to be shown so that the Master knows that indeed you are sorry and maybe - just maybe - those privledges removed might be reinstated.

There are many things that some people do not understand about the power exchange, it covers ALL of the slaves actions, for example i am not allowed to im with anyone without His permission, no permission no im ing - its that simple, the same goes for visiting others, i ask for permission and if it is denied then i do not go, this is M/s and the power exchange in action. There are times when He tells me what i am allowed to wear, or indeed if i am allowed to wear anything, this is His right. If i am putting on weight * and as i am quitting smoking and sucking cinnamon sweets like they are going out of fashion this is a real possibility*He will tell me to diet, if my hair is too long He will tell me to cut it, all these things and more are His right and i am to do as instructed because He is Master and when i submitted to Him i gave Him 100% control over my life and what i do or not do.

I have read that some slaves 'pounce' on their Master when they want sex, lol i can just imagine my Masters face if i did that, !!! that to me is 'Domming' it is not my choice when or if we have sex, it is His, and that is how it is meant to be, the same as with the paddle, i really don't like it on the back of my knees, no real reason why i don't like it there but Master knows this and while most of the time He doesn't use the crop or cane there He can and will if the mood takes Him, again it is His choice not mine as to what happens and how.

M/s is a relationship that is similar to every other one, it has all of the things you will find in a 'vanilla' relationship with the exception of the power division, this is the main thing that makes it different, and the one thing that a lot of people struggle with, it is an all or nothing relationship and not one that you can play at on monday but not on tuesday - you are either in the relationship 100% or you are not.

There are things in life that can cause a slave to struggle and that is where the bond with her Master comes in, it is His job to try to aliviate the struggles, to help her with any issues that she might have but at the same time it is the slaves job to make His life easier and not burden Him with things that are trivial and of no real importance. A good Master teaches His slave to identify problems that are real and take those to Him while at the same time either deal with the silly issues herself or ignore them.

The M/s relationship is a complicated one to many people but in reality it does not need to be, it is the same as everything else in life, it is only as difficult as people make it, go with your instincts, be true to yourself and your feelings, build the bond between you and your Master and be safe in the knowledge that He will protect you when needed.

Changes

My Journal

A Master can and does control all of His slaves life - the extent of that control is up to the Master, and nothing is off limits. A Master has the right to dictate what a slave wears, indeed if she actually wears anything * Master insists that i am naked in the house at all times*,what she eats, if she is to large He has the right to insist on her dieting, if her hair is too long He has the right to make her have it cut, and so the list goes on, but what about her thoughts ?

A slave will think, and those thoughts are not always ones that she wants, likes or indeed can process properly, like all people thoughts of one thing can lead to another and another and before long everything is a jumbled mess and the slave can see no way forward, her thoughts are keeping her prisoner in her mind and body.

I have a diary that i write in everyday, my hopes, fears, thoughts,feelings, my frustrations, my confusion, all the things that worry me are written into this journal and it does help a bit.

Master 'caught' me writing in it a couple of weeks ago and insisted on reading it - this threw me into panic -this was mine, my writing, my fears and now i had to share them ? no way did i want to do that but after pointing out that i am a slave and so everything that i think is mine is only mine through His grace * hate it when His logic is correct* so reluctantly i handed it over then ran outside, hiding from Him and His reactions to my words.

After reading it He called me in and sat me down, the look on His face not angry like i had expected but understanding, and with the book in His hand He started to read passages from it, after each one asking me why i felt/thought/imagined that particular thing.

Tears flowed, my face burnt, i will be the first to admit i was not nice to everyone in my writings, but remember this was MY thoughts and feeling so i felt i didn't need to censor them as no one was going to read them but me * ok so i was wrong* We talked, discussed all the things i had written, all the things that were jumbled in my mind, all the things i could not seem to understand and then we talked of ways to dispel those feelings and fears. I am not saying it was a miraculous recovery but it was not as awful as i had thought it would have been.

I have been ordered to write each day into the journal, i am to write everything in there, all the things that i try to keep hidden inside, and He is going to read it - at the moment i am 'safe-ish' because i am writing when He is busy and i tell Him it is not finished but i know that tonight He will be reading it and that fills me with dread, the things i have been writing are ramblings of a really confused mind, and i know that He will want to discuss that, but the thing is, if i knew the answers to the questions that plagued me they would not be questions or doubts and fears would they ?

The life of a slave is a very complex one, and full of ups and downs

Punishments

Punishments are used to correct behavior in a sub or slave, they are a method of teaching them that certain behavior is not acceptable and needs to be addressed and sometimes the manner in which it is addressed is by punishment.

A punishment should not be the first action a Dom or Master takes, they usually talk to the sub or slave and tell them what they are doing wrong, how they are displeasing their Owner, and steps are taken to correct the behavior but if this fails then obviously a punishment is needed and given. The form of punishment should always fit the 'crime' and should be something that the sub or slave does not like, there is no point caning a pain slut as all this will teach her is that if she screws up she is still going to get some pleasure when being punished.

HOWEVER ............... what if the sub or slave is doing as she is told ? What if last week she was told to do such and such and then when she does it the following week she is told it is wrong ? Who then is at fault ?

I can remember my mother telling me as she sent me to my room as a punishment that she was doing it because she cared and wanted me to learn from my actions, so is a Dom or Master when they punish their property just showing how much they care ? If that is the case then it stands to reason that an act that is not punished might mean that they do not care enought to try to correct the behavior surely ?

I really wish that there were some hard and fast rules for punishments, lol i have had more than my fair share of punishments, ranging from silence to being chained in a corner and all of them at the time i felt were unfair * still a few i think were unfair * but each time Master had a reason for the punishment * in His eyes, my version obviously differs at times * so i took the punishment and learnt from it, the action not to be repeated.

Are punishments affective ? Well for this one they are, they teach that certain behavior is not allowed, they show that He cares enough to try to alter my mindset and they reinforce my part in Masters life , i am His slave and the punishments He gives me are because of that

I Am Me - No More - No Less

I am me - no more - no less - just me

How many times have you heard me say that ? Yet still it is true, i am who and what i am, i am my Masters slave with all that entails, my life is confusing at time * hell a lot of the time its confusing* and there are times when things really make no sense to me yet still i am His.

I try hard to be all i can be for Him, even during the times we fight, and yeap we do argue but usually its not because of US as such but because i have a really bad habit of trying to defend others and that leads to more confusion as i see things and hear things which make me question and have doubts and issues with what is going on.

I have read all the things about online players, the games being played and i will be the first to admit that i have been a victim of some of those games, i served a Master online and i really thought he was real, i had a 'friend' who i told all my fears and doubts to - someone who i thought was a 'sister' to me, that is until i woke up and realised that i was just a means to an end, i was being used so she could get closer to him, i was a means to an end and she was just playing a game with me till she could get what she wanted. The Master i served was also playing a game, i fell for it in a big way, to the extent i was going to see him, to be with him, to serve him r/t which is what he said he wanted - that is until he realised it was getting closer to the time i was leaving, then he left, no more online, no more calls, no more anything for months.

I found out he was married with two children, and all that i thought we had was just a game to him, he was playing a fantasy to while away the time during his day and as for the friend, well she was playing the game as well, for both of them the chasing, the building of trust and the online fantasy was all they were looking for, they had no interest in real time, all they wanted was the fantasy.

I am now wary of people, i look beyond the things said, i look past the 'innocent' actions, i know people use me to get closer to my Master and that hurts, things from the past still have an effect on the present, i am nothing more than a means to an end for some people and i guess that is something i will have to get used to, people who claim to not like me suddenly want to know me, and i will admit i am wary of those.

I am told to just let things be, to not worry as it will all work out yet i hate being used. Maybe it is my fault, maybe i should just accept that i am a person to be trod on to get to the main event, someone who is disposable in the journey to what another wants

Not sure why i was thinking about games played this morning, guess its because even though he know i want nothing more to do with him the im 's still keep coming, he cannot see that i am owned and happy with my REAL MASTER - sometimes people cannot accept what is in front of them no matter how many times they see it.

Life Changes

Three times today i have opened this blog to write something and each time exactly what i want/need to write has eluded me - i know what i want to say but the words fail to make sense and then each time i think of more and more to say on the subject so to be honest i am not sure if its a good idea for me to write anything.

Today has been a weird day- hell the whole week/month has been strange but the one thing that has stuck with me was Master telling me after i had been throwing question after question at Him was that things change, what was then doesn't mean to say it is now and the more i think about it the more it is ringing true.

Life has a way of moving forward whether we want it to or not, just because something was one way does not mean to say it will forever remain that way and nothing is ever as it was for very long, its just how things go. Sometimes we help things change and other times things change with out our help but always there is a consequence to that change, be it good or bad it is still there.

I know that some people think we are the masters of our own fate and in some ways that is true but at the same time a slave/sub's fate/destiny/life is at the mercy of her Master - He is the one who decides what will be and what will not be, we are not in control, we are like pieces on a checkers board, being moved around as and when it pleases. We can at times rebel and think we are in control but those are the times we really see who is in control, our actions have reactions - a Master will be the One to decide what those reactions are to be .

I told you this is not making much sense, yet to me it is, my life is in His hands, i am a piece of His life yet i am not the whole of His life, so when His life moves forward it stands to reason that my role in it will change, hence the comment about things changing. I have a choice, and yes i do have a choice, after all this is still my life, i can move forward with Him or try to hold Him back, i can resist the changes or i can embrace them, i can be a part of the future or try to hold Him in the past, but as i sit here i know that ultimatly the only choice i have to really make is whether i can serve Him more, serve Him better, help Him make His life more than it is because i know that as surely as the sun will rise in the morning that life will keep moving forward and i want to move forward with Him towards the new day

Believe Nothing

Wise words indeed

Still I Rise

Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certanity of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise,
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds,
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame I rise,
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain I rise.
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear, I rise.
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear, I rise.
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slaves.
I rise, I rise,
I rise.

The Power of the Mind

Your best and worst enemy in life is your mind, it has a power unrivelled by anything else in your life and that includes your Master, as once your mind gets a hold of something it can and does take over you if you let it, good or bad you start to believe what your mind tells you and its a hell of a job to shift those ideas and beliefs for even the most experienced Master, for a new one it might be impossible.

I read some blogs online and there are a few * very few thankfully* that read as if this life is all sunshine and roses, that they are perfect and all in their life is wonderful as they give the impression they are the best slave and perfect in every way. WRONG This life is not all candlelight and white knights, its life, with all that it brings and that can be alot !

The people who write these things are living in fantasy land, they are giving people the impression that all if wonderful and that they are constantly at peace with all that goes on in their life, that nothing could be better and in fact the life they are leading is so perfect and there is no way to improve it.

Its very similar to someone saying they love to be spanked and it releases their inner pain sluttiness when in reality they have had a 5 minute 'session' with a soft flogger * and those who are into spanking will know that a suede flogger does not hurt no matter how hard it is used* That is like me saying i am a deep sea diver because i sat in a paddling pool !

I read another who posts that she tells her Master what she will and will not do - this is not M/s, as any real Master will not accept a slave telling them what to do, you can have an opinion and you can suggest things but telling them ?? no way is that part of M/s or TPE, and to actually say it is is just giving so many new ones the totally wrong impression of what M/s is really all about.

Do i sound bitter ? Jaded ? well maybe i am, and the reason for that is i talk to many people both online and in person and trying to explain that some of the crap they read online is pure fantasy and not fact is getting harder and harder, people claiming to be real slaves and this is how life is supposed to be is not fair on them as with their lies and make believes come a huge responsibility to REAL slaves who know that life is life to get them to understand that no Master is totally perfect and no person is as wonderful as they make them out to be.

Maybe its time for the glasses to come off and people to be honest, not saying that all they post is doom and gloom but would love them to post honestly and truthfuly, something some of them seem to have a really hard time doing - Live in reality and not fantasy, and you will find that your relationship with your Master will be stronger and better than a story book as it will be based on truth, honesty and trust something all relationships need to survive.

OOhh by the way, if you don't like this post then i am sorry, maybe its cos you are one of those who live in laa laa land ??

Unrealistic Expectations

For the first time since i have been in the USA my phone rang more times than Masters, even on the beach everyone thought it was His phone ringing but it was mine but not one of the calls was the one i was hoping for, and that was the call from my daughter.

It seemed that today i was surrouned by people talking of their children and while i can understand that i just sometimes wish someone would think to ask about mine - i have children and they are a part of me, yet no one ever gives a thought to that. I know that people can be selfish but i seem to spend my time thinking of others and just once i want some one to think of me and what i am going through, maybe i am the selfish one, expecting others to have the same qualities that i have in regard to thinking of others and not themselves and what a certain action or deed will get them and time and time again i am left disappointed or annoyed as that is never the case. Don't take me wrong - i am no saint but even in the mist of all the upset i have been feeling and not being well still and in pain i still think of others.

I have told 3 people of my call from my daughter the other day, Master and two online friends, and bless her, one of them has been texting daily or on im to make sure i am alright and coping but its not the same as talking to a real live person is it ?

I have so many conflicting emotions right now, one minute i want to be here with Master as i know thats where i belong and the next i feel i need to be with my daughter and after what she said i sometimes doubt that is a possibility and even f it was that would mean leaving Master and that is not something i think i could do unless really forced to.

Time and time i lay in bed while He is sleeping and my head is spinning, my heart aching and tears falling silently down my face, hell even typing this and my eyes are filling up, i just feel so lost and yet each morning i wake Master with a smile plastered on my face and the pretence that all is ok in my world begins again, after all, He has so much on His plate that i am not going to burden Him further especially as there is nothing He can do that will make it all alright once more, this is my problem/turmoil/dilema to try to get through, and at the moment i am not sure what the outcome will be and that is a scary thing for me.

The Way Life works

Wow, today has certainly took me by surprise, and to be honest i am not sure what to do any more, i got some news from back home and it has thrown me into a tail spin.

I have been told something, what it was does not really matter except to me, and then i was told the results of that news, and that is what has thrown me. I knew when i chose to live my life for me that there would be times that were hard and times that looked as if they were impossible, and this is one of those impossible times and i am not sure what to do and where to turn.

My daughter called me with some news, and then she piled on the other stuff and that has hurt me so bad, i know Master tries to understand but it is not something that i can explain, its the feelings and the hurt that are making me cry all the time, i understand that by trying to get away and actually live a life that is right for me i took a chance on friends and family not understanding and i came into this with my eyes wide open but i never imagined i would react like this when faced with their anger and hurt, their words and deeds are crippling and they know this.

People always say look on the bright side, there are worse off than me and i should count my blessings, and i do, i really do but at the same time i start to question and doubt, not Master as He has always been upfront about what He is and what He wants from me, but about myself and what i did and am doing still, and the results of my actions. Was i selfish to want a life ? Was i self centred to want to be happy ? Can i be happy ? Can i take this latest knock and not let it turn me around and leave all i have craved for so long ? i wish i had the guts to hide away and not have to hurt like this, and the really stupid thing is, as Master has explained, i am the target for all her anger and resentment, and give her a few days and she will either come around or she will heap more on and its all my fault, i am so used to dealing with everything for all of them that now i am not there she is having to deal with things herself, she is having to grown up and in that growing up she is lashing out and the target is me.

Somedays i really wish i knew all the answers, and on other days i wish i knew the questions, today is a day i need answers. No one said life was easy, but hell they never said it would be this hard or hurt this much either.

Putting Others On A Pedastal

I was reading something the other day that got me thinking, not always a good idea but this time I think it was. I was reading how one slave thought her Master was perfect,you could tell by what she was writing and how she was saying things that she had no real grasp on life, she had put her Master on a pedastal and was worshipping Him. This does not sound wrong i know but realistically no Master is a god, no Master is an idol, they are human and like the rest of us they are prone to mistakes and errors in judgement but when we elevate them to saint like statue then when they make that mistake it is so much worse as they have proven they are not al we had built them up to be.

I have read many posts where a slave will say her Master is wonderful and He is kind and considerate and does not ask her to do things she does not like, how He is supportive and there for her always and how He is her reason for being in this lifestyle, and to be honest that is so wrong, it is totally giving off the wrong impression on what this life is, what about the times He is not there, when He is working or out with His friends, what about the times when He moody and cross as something has not gone right during His day, what about the times when He has had enough of your whining about such and such and tells you to sort it out yourself, and yes those times do happen as this is LIFE and not a fairy tale in the making.

All too many come into this way of life as they think it is a way to find never ending happiness and true love with a bit of kink added, they think it is all roses and candle light and when you read some of the things out there you can tell who those people are, but they are in for a rude awakening, its not all like that.

The trouble with putting a person on a pedastal is they rarely live up to your expectations, they cannot as what you dream and imagine is so much more than a human is capable of so when they fail to live up to your imagination then you are going to be very disappointed, love your Master, serve your Master and honor your Master but do not elevate him to godlike staus as that is not fair to either of you.

This Life and All it Brings

When i got up this morning i felt the need to write something, so many things going around in my head, and most of the time when i write them down it helps me but for some reason this time there are so many things that i am finding it hard to sort them out properly and that just makes things worse as they are all tangled together and i can't sort them out.

I am missing my son, i knew things would be hard when i moved to be with Master but its the little things i am having a tough time dealing with, today he goes back to school, who will make sure he is collected on time, who will make sure his TA is there waiting for him, who will make sure the lessons he is taking are the right ones, who will be his voice when they decide to push him to far and he ends up in danger * and it does happen, many times* So many things i have done and now i am too far away to make sure they get done so i am feeling lost, as if i have no purpose in his life any more.

I am also questioning things about myself, something Master said about my sister and i not being slaves and he is going to demote us to subs until we refocus our minds onto what is really important, that hurt, i know there are times i make him mad but most of our arguments are not actually about me, and that is the worst thing, i can be 'demoted' if its something i am doing wrong, and i accept that, but when its not about me then thats not fair, but He decides what is fair, so many times i want to shout and scream and stamp my foot but there is no point, it will not achieve anything apart from me being punished.

I am learning to deal with things myself and not to share them with Master, He is always busy with others that what i say is sort of lost and so there is no point, i know this is wrong but when He is being 'hammered' on all sides He is just a man and as such He can only deal with so much at a time and regardless of what others think He is not a never ending support system, even He needs support at times and that i can give Him by not burdening Him even more with my problems.

So many people think that being a slave is all sunshine and roses, they fail to see the bigger picture, the actual ' living' part of being a slave, it is not all sex and bondage and wild times, it is life and all that it brings, and when a slave brings 'baggage' into the mix it just adds to the problems everyone faces, add to that a poly type relationship and more problems are faced by all, i sometimes wonder if people really know what this life is about, it is a wonderful way to live but it is also one of the hardest, and only those who are committed, and that applies to the Masters as well as the slaves, will survive, it is a relationship and it is a lifestyle, unfortunatly there are so many blogs and posts out there that make it seem like a polly anna type deal, they are so very wrong

Serving A Masters Needs

When you are involved in a M/s relationship, especially a poly relationship, then there are many ways you can serve your Masters needs. Some slaves are house slaves, taking care of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and general well being of their Master, some are sex slaves, taking care of His sexual needs and desires and some are used in other areas of His life to help make things run smoothly for Him in what ever capacity has been agreed upon when you submitted.

So what happens when one gets ill ? Who will take care of that area of His life ?

In a poly relationship another sister * slave* will pick up the 'slack' * for want of a better word* to help out, whether that is something they are primarily used for in their Masters life or not they should want to help out as in doing so their Master will still be cared for and looked after - be it offering to do the laundry or cooking a few meals to bring around to the house * if they do not all live together* this is a way they can help their Master and at the same time their family.

A poly relationship is something not everyone can live in, it can and often is trying for the Master and the slaves but when it works it can also be something a slave can draw strength from and companionship, it can give them a helping hand when one is ill and unable to do the tasks set out for them, thus ensuring that the Master is still able to concentrate on what He needs to.

Late Night Thoughts

Master has finally gone to sleep, and after untangling myself gently so as not to wake Him i find myself unable to sleep, notice anything different about this post already ? i am me, not kitten and i have a feeling that is what is wrong, i feel disconnected somehow and to be honest i am not really sure why or how to get reconnected once more.

i seem to be struggling more and more with things and that scares me, there have been times in the past week when i have just wanted to scream at people for reasons that should not be my concern, but i find myself getting mad and having to walk away so as not to loose my cool. i see people pretending to be something they are not and wonder why, what is it they lack in their lives that make them want to do that? Being true to yourself and about yourself has been something i have tried to keep uppermost in my mind, no matter how hard it is at times i value honesty and all that goes with it.

i think one of the reasons for my feelings is my sister has flown 5000 miles to stay at a place not 50 miles from where i am living and she has not contacted me at all, i found out she was coming over by accident from another member of my family as she did not tell me and to know she is so close and yet will not talk to me because of the choices i made is hard to understand, i though family wanted their family to be happy and i am, but it seems happiness is something other people think they can dictate the terms of.

i know Master is worried about me, i am losing weight and have no appitite, i am now under orders that i must eat three times a day or no coffee allowed, and for me that is a huge loss, i live on coffee, i have dropped 3 dress sizes and even though i feel fine i cannot sleep and toss and turn all night, if i get 3 hours a night i am lucky, and its not doing me any good.

Its a times like this i miss my friends, people who i could talk to and know they would be there for me as i am there for them, ones who can help me see the wood for the trees, but that is not to be unfortunatly and while Master does His best, bless Him He is a man and a Master, He has compassion and sympathy for me but at the same time i will not keep burdening Him as He has enough on His plate so this is something i must work through on my own.

It seems to me that the real question needs to be, which do i need or want more, my Master or my family, as it doesn't appear that i can have both, and that is not my choice or Masters but theirs, and to be honest, its a hell of a choice to have to make, i made it once, and i have not regretted it but now it seems i must make it again.

Happiness come with a price and sometimes that price is a lot to pay.

Collars

kitten was reading something the other day that got her thinking * lol and at 2am that is NOT good ! *
It was an artcle about collars and one persons view on them, well to be honest some of what she said made perfect sense to kitten and she will explain why.

A collar is a sign of commitment between the Dom/Master and sub/slave, it is a symbol of ownership and the desire to be owned. A collar is many different things to many different people, to kitten it is a sign of trust, honor, respect and integrity, it shows that she is owned and she has found her place in this life with her Master. The collar symbolizes the faith she has in Him to protect her and keep her safe from harm, it is her strength when He is not with her yet at the same time it is her comfort when things are looking bleak.

There are many people who do not believe in collars and that is their choice, it is something that is not 'essential' to this lifestyle, it is not the same as a wedding ring to pronounce you married, it is just something that some people do and some people do not believe in, that said when a collar is given it is given by the Dom/Master and placed around the sub/slaves throat.waist/wrist/ankle * a collar is not necissarily something that goes around the throat* It is the act of giving and recieving that makes a collar meaningful.

So what about online collaring ? How can a collar sent through the post or brought yourself be special ? It is the act of human contact and recieving the gift from your Master that gives the collar meaning otherwise it is just a bit of jewellry surely ?

There are times when a Dom/Master cannot be with the one they own but that just means the giving of the collar waits - a person cannot collar themself, it is not something that means anything when done in this way, * and kitten should know, been there done that as it was* So if you are collared online are you in fact collared at all ? is it not just a case of more online fantasies ? hhhmmm something to think about

New Social Site

kitten as many know has been in a few of the social sites on the internet, some better than others and that is why she is telling you all about a new site she has joined.
The site is for BDSM M/s and D/s relationships, you can post blogs, pictures,music, chat and so much more but the best part is it is for like minded people who when you look at the poll and read the posts and actually chat with them are on the whole REAL people and not just online players that you find in so many of the sites online.
The site is http://anownedlife.ning.com and it is a mine of information for newbies and more experienced people alike. Please check it out and look forward to seeing you in there, kitten is sure you will enjoy the site

Sitting In Slience

I sit in silence
Closing my eyes
Feeling all of lifes worries
Bearing down on me

I feel the pain of seperation
The sharp ache of longing
I hear the echo of nothingness
surrounding me in my thoughts

I close my heart a bit more
The fear of drowning in my grief strong
I wipe the lone tear from my cheek
Breathing deep to steady myself

Standing tall I open my eyes
A smile in place as i cry inside
My tears, my sorrow, my pain, my grief
All mine to hide from sight

This is my life, I need to live
Not exisit as others want
I have to be who I really am
And know that Master is my strength

I have left behind a world of pain
Yet it seems to follow me
Turning to Him is my only salvation
His arms my port in this life

I draw on His strength
I feel His protection
He is my rock when all is crumbling
I have my life now, I am free to live

Questions

At Masters request today kitten spoke to a Domme that Master had been conversing with and to say the conversation was 'enlightning' is putting it mildly.

After saying hello and commenting on kitten talking in the third person her first question to kitten * remember kitten had not spoke to this person before* was
" Would you mind your Master using me in front of you as that will happen if we meet"

Hhhmmm to say kitten was surprised is putting it mildly - kitten is a slave and this person a Domme, and as a slave it is not kittens choice or place to either mind or not mind, it is Masters and as a Domme this is something kitten had assumed that she would know.

So that led her to question what type of things Master likes and dislikes, again that is not kittens place to answer for Master, she can say what SHE likes * kitten that is* and what she doesn't like very much but to answer for Master ? nope not kittens place as how is kitten to know whether He likes something with other slaves that He does not like with kitten ?

So now kitten is processing things in her head, things that she had thought were standard practices, the knowledge that a sub/slave has no choice in who her Master plays with and when, the belief that a Dom/Dommes Master or Mistress should have at least a basic grasp of what a sub or slaves place is and indeed the understanding that a sub or slave does not answer for her Master unless told to give out certain information if they are asked.

The conversation went on to her telling kitten all about her past experiences and how she has no limits and so on and so forth and by the end of the conversation kitten was really confused, was this Domme a switch ? was she a Domme but really wanted Master * and with all respect kitten knows Master is a hunk and there are many who do want Him and not just as a Master but as a man as well* or was she just looking to impress with her knowledge of certain parts of BDSM and really only making things up ?

There are some things a Master/Mistress Dom or Domme should know insinctivly if they are serious about this life, but that is just kittens opinon and maybe she is wrong and judging someone on her own beliefs, time will tell ................

The cost Of This Life

There is an old saying, that everything is possible - but at a price and never more true than when you are looking into this lifestyle.

Many of your friends and family will say that all they want is your happiness, that as long as you are safe and free from harm then you should live your life as you see fit, and not to worry about them as they are fine. Well kitten is here to tell you that in the majority of the cases that is so far from the truth it is laughable

When kitten moved to Master she knew the cost to herself, it was something she and she alone would have to decide, not only was she moving away from all the things that were familiar to her, her family, her friends, her work and to some extent the 'safeness' of her life but she was also moving to another country where they drive on the wrong side of the road, they speak funny and don't understand kitten when she speaks, the money is so whacky its ridiculous at times trying to work out what things cost and that is just the normal everyday living, that does not include the journey that kitten is taking just by being with Master, the things she has to learn or unlearn as the case might be.

kitten has times when all the feelings of loss are overwhelming, when all she can think of is her family and friends, her need to speak to them, see them, touch them and it is at those times kitten tends to close down a bit, the choices that were made were made by kitten and no one else, Master supports kitten but would not tell her what to do with regard to making a choice, that was something He refused to do in that He knew that the feelings that kitten gets would have been directed at Him and unfairly so as well.

People love to tell you that they only want your happiness, what they fail to tell you is they want your happiness as long as it falls in with what they want you to do and that is something kitten is finding out the hard way, but if you were to ask her does she regret her desicion then the answer would be no not in the slightest as this is how kitten needs to live, she is where she needs to be and with whom she needs to be with BUT and heres the thing, ask her again if she believes that others want her happiness in everything she does and she will proberbly answer - if it suits their purpose.

Its All In The Wording

When you first start to interact with a Dom or Master there is a lot of talking and very little sex if it is done right. A person who does not wish to actually learn about their sub/slave Dom or Master does not actually seem to interested in this as a complete way of life, it has been kittens experience * and yeap just like everyone else kitten has been burnt a time or two by online fakes* that all they are looking for is a quick way to get their rocks off with none of the responsibility that goes with it.

The reason kitten mentions this is that during the talking period there comes a time when limits and hard limits are discussed, * or should be* as well as likes and dislikes and that is where wording is very important. A sub or slave has to remember that a Dom or Master only has what He is being told to base His judgments on, He has at this stage no real knowledge of the sub or slave and so He has to trust her to tell Him what she will and will not be open to.

Kitten has seen many in chat rooms say that they love the idea of being flogged, they welcome the feeling of being bound and choked, when in actual fact they have no real time experience with any of that, and the same goes for the new Doms or Masters, if they say that they are experts in bondage and floggings and have in fact had no experience in this then it can have disastrous consequences.

How something is said is very important, to tell a Dom or Master that you will not do something as it is a HARD LIMIT then that is what a Dom or Master has to trust, it is something that is non negotiable and a real Dom or Master will not expect this from you when playing or interacting with them, it is also something that you cannot change your mind about at a later date, a hard limit is just that, a hard limit, its a no no. A limit on the other hand is something that you are not sure about, it is something you could have had a bad experience with and while you are really uncertain about it, its not something you would volunteer to do willingly it is also something that can be pushed at by an experienced Dom or Master to see whether it is something that can be overcome. A real Dom or Master will try to get His sub/slave past her inner fear about something but at the same time doing it in a way that will not cause her harm or worry, if while pushing her the Master senses resistance and fear He will pull back and reassure her that everything is fine and she is safe, He will then stop that course of action/play and move on to something else, leaving that to be explored another day and maybe the next time it can be taken a bit further.

The problem with having limits and hard limits is that a limit can and usually is moved past, it is more often a case of fear of the unknown that makes it a limit, the sub/slave has no real experience of it so it frightens her where as a hard limit is something she has decided she does not want and it is not up for negotiation, it is a moot point and not something she will entertain in her submission, again the words a Dom or Master are told is all He has to go on so He takes her hard limits and respects them, not pushing at them and not trying to break them down. Unfortunately a hard limit is more often something that they decide at a later date they might actually like and so they start to change the playing field if they can, but that is not always possible, remember if you have changed your mind about one thing then how is a Dom or Master to know what else you have changed your mind about ? Also if there are more than one hard limit and you want to ignore one then how are they to know the others are still hard limits ?

As kitten said in the beginning – its all in the wording so be careful how you say something and what it is you are saying

We Always Want More

Strange title for kitten writing isn't it - well there is a reason, and that is as a slave it seems to be inbred that we always want more, more time with our Master, more interactions, more sex, more everything, and those who think they have nothing really do not realize how much they actually have until they have the same as another slave * this applies to poly as well as when comparing to fellow slaves/subs*

It seems that there is a 'need' to compare, to want what the others have without really knowing what it is they have, all you can see is a preconceived idea of something, no fact based knowledge and that is the worst thing, especially if you have been in a position where you know exactly what it is the other slaves are getting.

Being envious of someone is nothing new, it seems that many subs and slaves have those feelings, they are not malicious in their intent but in their actions more, and that is where things fall apart, it might be that they read something and 'assumed' or they heard something and ' jumped to conclusions' what ever the reason the feelings of being given nothing are strong, lol if only they realized just how much they actually have in comparison to others then they might be thankful for that, instead kitten has seen them push and push at their Masters, questioning and asking, wanting more and more, but for them to get more they do not seem to realise that in the case of a poly Master this means someone else will get less - hhhmm something doesn't sound right there does it ?

For a sub or a slave to get more, then someone else is going to have to get less, and if they are not getting much in the way of interaction already then how can a sub or slave take that little bit from them ? Easily - because they THINK they are getting less than anyone else already, so in their mind they deserve more, and so the circle continues.

It is a Masters choice who He interacts with, who He talks/plays/laughs/jokes with and that is how it is supposed to be, might not be as you wish it to be but hell no sub or slave will ever truly be happy unless she has 100% of the attention, kitten knows this because she feels the same way at times but the difference is kitten not does not speak to Him about nothing unless He talks to her first, kitten has learnt to wait, and if that day there is no time to talk with her then thats ok, maybe tomorrow will be kittens turn. By kittens actions she is in fact allowing her own feelings and values intrude on what should be Masters choice, her own sense of what is right and wrong is interfering with what is Masters wishes, and that is something Master is trying to get through to kittens sometimes not so bright brain

kittens last post

This is a sad day for kitten, this will be her last post on here, she will keep the blogs open but she will not be writing anymore on here.

It seems that even though kitten is with Master now the games and the bullsh*t still continues, some of it kitten really doesn't believe is true, she thinks it is stuff someone made up, but as with all things in life it is not what kitten believes that matters is it, but what another believes that counts.

When kitten was told that someone was upset and why, well kitten and Master had a huge argument, so maybe that was the objective of saying things, who knows, all kitten knows is she is fed up with lies, stories and make believe and to that end this is it, kitten is done, no more posts, no more trying to be friends with anyone, no more chatting to people, kitten is going to keep herself to herself and not have anything to do with anyone except Master, who knows maybe that way certain other people will feel more secure in themselves and not then feel the need to make things up or cause trouble.

In the 5 weeks kitten has been here she has had some bad patches, and it ould have been nice to talk to someone other than Master but it seems that is not to be so now kitten is not going to bother, she has no interest in anyone now, let them struggle in their own life and while they are doing that they might come to realise that kitten could have been a really good friend to them

On finishing this post all kitten would like to say is enough is enough, no more spreading of rumors, no more lies or games, no more pretence, be big enough to admit to your lies as kitten knows they are lies, one day all these lies will come back to bite you on the ass and when kitten has the proof she will not hesitate to act on it trust her on that one. Enjoy your lonely life, it could have been so much better if only you had allowed it

Kitten had always considered herself a sexual person, but over the years, as life took over her journey her sex drive seemed to wan off, she was not bothered about sex, when she was told to do something she did it but very rarely did she get the ‘urge’ to ask for something, to ask to cum or play, she was getting to the stage she was content to watch him play with his others or indeed, not watch as the relationship broke down more and more but now she has a problem !

Master has a body to die for and He loves being naked, nothing wrong with that kitten knows but damn it makes for some uncomfortable thoughts in her head ! kitten is a slave and as such it is not her place to initiate sex or touch without permission, either herself or Master and when kitten sees Master naked it is so very hard to keep her mind on tasks or chores she is supposed to be doing.

Master knows that kitten loves the paddle/crop/switch and the marks on her body prove that He loves it as well, but omg kitten is insatiable where He is concerned and is almost catatonic at times when He pleases her. The ability to please Master with her mouth, pussy, ass is something kitten loves * for so many reasons some of which are really selfish !! and as time moves on kitten is finding that Master is awakening the parts of her she thought were dead and forgotten.

Kitten is once more becoming the person she was, but this time a new and improved version, one who is allowed to have likes and dislikes, thoughts and feeling, who is allowed to be sensual and sexual, now al kitten needs is for Master to realise that cuddles and pillows are really not that sexy and she will be in heaven !!!

In Charge

Do you remember when you were a child and you were told to do something you didn’t want to ? Like cleaning your room or going to see relatives when all you wanted to do was go out with your friends ? The feeling of having no control over your life and what you were being told to do was great, and in some ways the M/s and to a lesser extent the D/s relationship is very similar. Kitten has just read a great article describing this better than she ever could,*here* but it did get her thinking, she knows there are times when Master is teasing her that she tells Him “ No way Batman” or “ Dream on He who must be Obeyed” but this is different, during the teasing kitten is not actually refusing Him anything as W/we B/both know if He wanted something then kitten would do it and do it with a feeling of want as He has asked for something * and no it need not be sexual, it can be anything from getting Him a drink to pleasing Him*
However we all get times when we really don’t want to do something, for what ever reason we try to change things so we have the controlling hand. An example of this was the other night, kitten was told to do something, and she didn’t want to as she had got herself into a funk and it seemed as though she was struggling with things on her own, so when she was told to perform the task she replied “ kitten would rather not” Well this led to a few questions which kitten again tried not to answer so she started to perform the task first asked, this did not go down well, Master pulled her up and refused to let her do what she now wanted to do, * ok so kitten doesn’t take much persuading to do certain things * And after close questioning and kitten being allowed to speak freely * this means that anything said will not be used against her and she is allowed to talk freely about what is on her mind*, Master saw things from kittens point and He apologised * A true Master is one who is never afraid to admit to making errors in judgement, something people should be aware of*
Now the above might not make sense and it might seem that kitten was trying to control things, and if you read it again you will probably see that in some ways she was, she was trying to control herself, trying to say she didn’t want to do something but ultimately she was going to do it as it had been asked of her, and she knows that was wrong.
So what should she have done ? Well first off she should have spoken to Master BEFORE she got herself so worked up that she could not see the wood for the trees, she should have gone to Him and asked to speak, but this is another lesson she is learning, the one where she has to accept that Master CAN help her and that she need not do everything on her own, the lesson that she can depend on Him. And she is also learning that when Master tells her to do something then she does it, the majority of the time it is with a great big smile on her face and for the few times its not, then those are the times that she knows she is pleasing Master by doing as asked of her as a slave should do. Any task set by a Master is one a slave should under take to the best of her ability and not just when it suits her.

kitten is finally home

Firstly kitten needs to apologise, she has been lax in posting on here if only for the fact she has been busy and for that she is sorry,

By now you will know that kitten is with Master, she is living with Him as His property, His slave and that is something that has been two fold for her, in one way it is like coming home, and in another way it is like leaning to live again, both coming together to make kittens life more complete.

There have been a few times over the past three weeks that kitten has had doubts, not with Master but with life situations and they have been worked on and all the fears have been discussed and a solution has been worked out, kitten is not daft enough to believe that the teething problems have been all she will face but as long as kitten has Master to talk things through with then she is sure there are no problems she cannot deal with.

When kitten got off the plane she was shaking, for so long she had heard that Master and her sister were playing her, were taking her for a fool, yet not once did kitten get that impression from Him in all her interactions, but as with all things, if you listen to something enough you will start to have doubts, well there are no doubts now, Master is all that He said He was and in some ways more.

Kitten has learnt that Master has a wicked sense of humour * usually to kittens cost * and the sound of Him laughing fills the house on a regular basis, that said, He also has a serious side that you can talk with, ask advice * something kitten is still learning to do and to be honest not doing to well at, is harder to hide what kitten is thinking or feeling though now that He is along side kitten daily*and the serious side is one which is can be depended on to give you honest unbiased opinions and advice.

Play times * not really anyone’s business but kitten knows there are still a few doubters* are wonderful, going to the beach and trying to cover a bruised ass and tits makes for an interesting outfit combination !! Why cover them up ? Because society does not readily understand this life and kitten does not want people to look at Master and judge Him, that said, the getting of the bruises is wonderful and something kitten feels is part of her, something she loves and at times needs to be able to free her mind from all the thinking she does. There is another way that kitten settles her mind, its unfortunately not for anyone else’s knowledge apart from the fact Master says kitten better not be unsettled at the mall or W/we could B/both end up in jail !! Again this is something Master knows when kitten needs and at the moment He is allowing it, while at the same time working on other methods for her to feel the safety net around her.

There is so much that kitten could and should write but where do you stop ? What do you say and not say ? All kitten can say with 100% certainty is that she is Masters kitten 24/7 and that is like coming home, to a life and a Master who completes kittens life, and that kitten can never express enough

Life Quotes

A riding crop and a blindfold doesn't make it BDSM. There is a big difference between being kinky and being in the scene. It's not a sexual thing to me, it's a very spiritual thing. ~ DominaBlue

If you are meant to be in the lifestyle, you will find that, where you were once only walked through life, you will be gliding on air. Parts of you that never were complete will then become whole. In relinquishing control, I have found freedom: freedom to find and be the person I am inside. ~ miria hunter

When i first began this lifestyle, i thought there was nothing i wouldn't do. Sound familiar? Seems almost everyone new to the lifestyle says that there is nothing they will not do. Then they start reading and hearing of the totality of possibilities, and reality sets in. ~ miria hunter

Do You Know Me

Do You know me?
Do You wish to ?
Do You know my thoughts
What things run through my head
Do You know my fears
What makes me doubt the most
Do You know my strongest desires
What makes me yearn the most
Do You know what makes me smile
What makes me laugh with joy
Do You know what makes me sad
What makes me weep in pain
Do You know my dreams
What goals in life i strive for
Do You know my inner passions
What makes me feel alive
Do You know how much i crave
What my cravings are
Do You know my past
What makes me who i am
Do You know my future
What will make me who i wish to be
Do You know my preferences
What makes me ache the most
Do You know my tastes
What things i love to hear
Do You know Me
Do You wish to ?

kitten is not a slave

Kitten has written this post 5 times so far, she has written 6 pages on her note book and still she is no more settled than she was, so many things going around in her head, all she wants to do is cry, and damn it kitten is NOT a crier, even writing this she can feel the tears running down her face.

Yesterday really threw her, something happened and it was stupid and pathetic but it really hit kitten hard, another went somewhere they were not supposed to, to keep an check on kitten she guesses and it ended up kitten was told she was over reacting, then was told it was her fault that the one she is blaming goes nowhere, else * which is not true as she does go on a certain place, but not kittens concern if she wishes to lie* It is not kittens fault, kitten has never been on there herself so how can it be her fault ? So many things were said and something another done ended up being something kitten was told to apologise for, and that is not going to happen, that is the first time kitten has actively disobeyed Master and it has thrown her into a spin, she is not a slave, she is not submissive, she refused to do as she was told, damn it kitten hates feeling like this.

Kitten so far has written for hours in her notebook, she has cleaned all she can clean and then some more, all to try to work out what the hell she is supposed to do, how she can get rid of feeling like this, but its not worked, kitten is shutting down, she can sense it, she can feel it and she hates it but it is how she survives,
Ever have days you wish would just swallow you up and take you away from everything ? kitten is feeling like that.

In 10 days kitten is supposed to be on a plane to Master, what is the point if she is not a slave for Him, if He tells her to do something and she refuses, what good will she be for Him then ?




* have spoken to Master and He knows what she did was wrong, but as she will be there in 10 days then He is not going to punish her online, rather He is going to punish her when she is there, kitten knows she was wrong to say no to Him and as He said, she is beating up on herself more that He would ever do but her actions still need addressing, and that is fair enough, kitten knows she was wrong and accepts any punishment with good grace and the knowledge that she deserves it, really really hate on line at times like this, *

Thank You For Loving Me