The cost Of This Life

There is an old saying, that everything is possible - but at a price and never more true than when you are looking into this lifestyle.

Many of your friends and family will say that all they want is your happiness, that as long as you are safe and free from harm then you should live your life as you see fit, and not to worry about them as they are fine. Well kitten is here to tell you that in the majority of the cases that is so far from the truth it is laughable

When kitten moved to Master she knew the cost to herself, it was something she and she alone would have to decide, not only was she moving away from all the things that were familiar to her, her family, her friends, her work and to some extent the 'safeness' of her life but she was also moving to another country where they drive on the wrong side of the road, they speak funny and don't understand kitten when she speaks, the money is so whacky its ridiculous at times trying to work out what things cost and that is just the normal everyday living, that does not include the journey that kitten is taking just by being with Master, the things she has to learn or unlearn as the case might be.

kitten has times when all the feelings of loss are overwhelming, when all she can think of is her family and friends, her need to speak to them, see them, touch them and it is at those times kitten tends to close down a bit, the choices that were made were made by kitten and no one else, Master supports kitten but would not tell her what to do with regard to making a choice, that was something He refused to do in that He knew that the feelings that kitten gets would have been directed at Him and unfairly so as well.

People love to tell you that they only want your happiness, what they fail to tell you is they want your happiness as long as it falls in with what they want you to do and that is something kitten is finding out the hard way, but if you were to ask her does she regret her desicion then the answer would be no not in the slightest as this is how kitten needs to live, she is where she needs to be and with whom she needs to be with BUT and heres the thing, ask her again if she believes that others want her happiness in everything she does and she will proberbly answer - if it suits their purpose.

Fear

Fear is a powerful emotion, it can take over your life if you let it and at times there is nothing you can do to stop it, i am scared of many things, some rational and some totally irrational but in both cases the fear is the same, the quickning of your heart, the dizzy feeling as you struggle to breath slowly and not hyperventilate, the shaking of your body and the cold sweat that sits on your skin.

There is a big difference between being scared of something and being in fear of somethng, and this i know all to well, i have always refused to do ass to mouth, this is something kitten hates, it beings back things in her head and they are not feelings and thoughts she wants but last night she promised this in exchange for not having something else, so what is the difference ? well ass to mouth kitten is scared of * illogical she knows but it simply is * and the other thing she is in fear of * and that is also illogical but not something she can help*

Re reading this, it sounds like that ravings of a mad person, and the swopping from i to kitten and back again, guess the struggles go on, i need to be kitten and then things will be fine, kitten will be fine. it is only when i am me that i find myself lost without my anchor, Master is my anchor, and i hope to god His shoulders are broad enough for the weight

What is a Master ?

last night Master had kitten crying,,,, with laughter and it was something kitten never realised she needed, it lifted her in a way she has not felt in ages, all the turmoil in her head was temporarily forgotten and she was hurting with laughter * seems Master thinks kitten talks funny, like she says eetch instead of itch, and no matter how kitten tried, she could not say it right, but that could be because of the laughter.

How did Master know that kitten was down ? kitten never told Him, she never said a word, but He was so funny last night, lol kitten got banned from laughing at one stage as her belly was hurting and her tears were running down her face. How can one person know His slaves moods better than she does ? It was weird yet at the same time something kitten is learning to trust about Master, no matter what she says or doesn’t say, He knows kitten better than she knows herself at times, and that is scary yet at the same time a huge relief.

Kitten has a hard time talking about things she doesn’t want to bring to the front of her mind, this is an ongoing problem but for some reason Master wants to know, again this is hard, in previous M/s relationships kittens thoughts and feelings were always used against her, hence why she does not talk about them if she can avoid it * key phrase is kitten is fine thank You and then change the subject* This at times causes major problems, things build and kitten gets scared, and yes she is a whimp but that is how she is, if a person gets knocked down enough they learn to like the view from down there.

So last night was a welcome relief for kitten, for the first time in over a week kitten went to bed with a smile on her face and peace in her mind, it was a wonderful feeling and kitten learnt 5 things last night as well

#1Master is a terrible terrible tease

#2 Master now knows kitten hates spiders * this is not a good thing kitten is thinking

#3 Master knows kitten better than kitten does at times

#4 kitten needs to learn to speak properly * hhmmm wait till kitten starts talking cockney slang, that will baffle Master *

#5 Master is the One thing in kittens life that she can trust and believe in, last night proved that, no words spoken yet He knew, that is what being a Master is about, knowing those You own, helping them, guiding them and lifting them when they need it

Master may not have known what the problem was and to be honest kitten not sure He will ever be told * see the bit about talking about things * but last night certainly helped kitten more than He will ever know

Thank You Master, thank You for being You and for caring about kitten, kitten is one very lucky slave