Trust Your Instincts

Have you ever noticed there are two sides to everything? There is one side that you believe to be true and one side that someone else tries to convince you is correct? Who do you believe though? Your instincts knowing that what you see and understand given past history is the only logical conclusion or another who has been proven to lie when it suits?

The thing about having two sides to anything is that it will take a third person to believe one of them, and that is then the basis of the final decision, rightly or wrongly, that is then what is believed as fact.

Kitten was told the other day she was smart, and she is, not book smart but street smart as it was, she trusts her instincts, having been ‘bitten’ too many times she is wary of many things and many people, and so far nothing has given her the belief her instincts are unfounded, all kitten knows is she is sick of the childish and pathetic slights that are being bandied about, she thinks it is time for some people to grow up to be honest.

kitten was also told she was being to sensative, that what was done was not aimed at her, maybe and maybe not, who can tell what goes on in anothers mind, all kitten knows is it got the desired effect and kitten was upset and so she left, she missed out on her time with Master and again this will no doubt have pleased someone else as then they had not one to 'compete' against,

In a few weeks kitten has a plane to catch to be with Master, but as things stand at the moment that is not something she is looking forward to as much as she was, He says things will be different but to be honest kitten has doubts about that, and if that is another’s wish to put doubts and uncertainty in kittens mind with the stupid things they are doing then they are certainly getting their desires.

Re reading this it really is a bichy post but that is how kitten feels at the moment and she is getting so fed up with others who see her as a threat, Master is poly, if it was not kitten then it would be someone else, guess when you submit to a poly Master you should really know what it means, jealousy has no place in this relationship and nor should nastiness and sneekiness

Fed Up

Kitten is in a rebellious mood, she really wants to throw her toys out of her pram and stamp her feet !

Kitten is getting kinda fed up with certain things but having broached the subject with Master already and nothing been done then she knows it is not going to be and that is something she has to live with, doesn’t mean she has to like it but as it is Masters wish things are as they are then kitten has to accept it and not let it get to her, but damn it, it does !

Kitten needs to think things through she thinks, she knows that what appears is not always what is, and she also knows that she is no different to anyone else, no more and no less than others but at times kitten gets the square peg feeling and she cannot shake it, its no good trying to tell Master as kitten herself cannot explain it, not in words that make sense anyway, well sense to others apart from kitten that is.

Guess this is a pity kitten post, but that is not what she wants, she wants answers to questions asked and reasons, both things she has no right to but which might explain things so she can understand them, and with reasons then kitten will understand as at the moment it seems as if she is on the outside and looking in and that no doubt makes some happy but not kitten

Treat Me like a Woman

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." ~Anais Nin

Making Choices

As kitten sits here thinking, she knows that the time is moving faster, drawing closer to the time she can be where she needs to be, she says needs as at the moment she feels as if she is just filling time, she is alive but not living, if that makes sense, and she knows that for one of the few times in her life she is the one making the choices and that, to be perfectly honest, scares the life out of her.

Most of kittens adult life has been dictated by someone else and this time, while still being told what to do, kitten is the one responsible for the choice, and she is scared as so much of her life is now entwined with Master.

Can you imagine trusting someone enough to leave everything behind to be with them ? Can you picture yourself just walking away from everything so you can have the happiness Master says you deserve ? This is what kitten is doing and she does not know if she really deserves to be happy, and at what cost will her happiness be to her and to others ?

Most people want to be happy, kitten is no exception, the problem with kitten is she has got used to being content, there is a difference, to be happy involves more emotions and more feelings, to be content is easier, it means she is just that, content, she accepts what is her life and what it brings for her, she can move through the day without letting feelings and emotions give her a hope or glimpse of what she could have.

Making choices is something kitten hates to do, its something she is not used to and something she is scared she will get wrong, one of the good thing about being with Master is that she will not be making the choices, He will, and then she will know that it is the right decision

Thinking As Time Moves Closer

As the time for kitten to move to Master gets closer, so the questions and thoughts and fears mount, not fears of being with Him, that is not something that kitten worries too much about as she has always respected Him and knows He will not harm her intentionally, and intentionally is the word, there are times kitten has no doubt that He will hurt her, not physically but mentally as how can He not? Unless you know a person intimately, and then some more, know their very being then there is no way you can avoid hurting with a careless word or unthought-of phrase, but this kitten expects and knows will be dealt with when it arises.

Kittens concern is that she will be part of a Poly family, something she has been before and she knows the pit falls that can happen, and as in previous times, she will be a 24/7 live in slave, the good thing is Master has agreed that kitten can work, something kitten needs to do for her sanity and self esteem, having always worked kitten does not deal with inactivity well, lol even at work kitten is always being told to sit down and stop for 5 minutes !

It is not for the company or interaction that kitten needs to work, she often goes days without leaving the house or talking to anyone except Master and that does not bother her, kitten believe it or not is a solitary person, having been hurt by others in the past and not so distant pass, lies told and things not said or denied have made kitten wary of others, she has no wish to open herself to others any more, and she is not sure if that is something Master will allow, but it is something kitten wishes, being part of a poly family leaves kitten to open and she is not able to deal with that at this time, well she might be able but to be honest she has no wish to deal with it. Always before she has helped others in the family, taken a step back to let them have time when they seemed to be faltering, now she sees that her actions are not reciprocated, and while she never did it for that reason it is something she thinks is part of being a family is about.

A poly family is unlike other families, there should be a feeling of bonding with others and not a feeling of competition, it is not about me me me as in the case of children, it should always be about Master, Master Master and until that is THE focus of all concerned in the family tension and unrest will prevail. We all value the time Master spends with us, but by comparing what one gets as opposed to what you yourself receive will only make feelings of resentment grow, if Master spanks one and not another, so what ! If Master talks more on Monday to one than another Big Deal, people in a poly relationship need to be grateful for what they receive, and by doing stupid things, playing childish games, lying, moaning to others about your life and how it is not fair and in effect making life difficult for others is not a way to stay in a poly family with any happiness, Poly is not for everyone, many think it is but when reality sets in they realise that the green jealousy monster is the over riding emotion, and if you never admit that to yourself then you will never find true happiness.

A M/s relationship comes in many forms, poly is one of them

Day Off but staying away

Kitten has found herself with an unexpected day off, she was supposed to be working but due to being owed 3 weeks holiday that has to be taken before the end of the month she has got today off, well its a start at least ! This will give her time to get some jobs done, some things sorted out, before she goes to Master. When kitten found out she had this time, she was pleased, it meant that she could spend some time with Master, as just lately even though she has spoken to Him it has been interrupted chat or short conversations but the more she thought of it the more she realised she would not speak to Him any more, in fact properly less.

Kitten knows there are others in Masters life, those who read this blog know that Master is poly, and kitten has no problem with that, she tends to stay silent when another needs to chat with Him for what ever reason, she knows this is not supposed to be her choice but kitten knows that some have trouble understanding this way of life and so need something more, lol to read this you would think kitten an angel, she isn’t, she just has trouble interrupting when Master is talking with another, something not everyone seems to find hard but kitten does. Kitten knows she got annoyed last night, and thankfully Master was interrupted so it gave kitten the excuse to leave, once more expectations and hope came into play and kitten had hoped to chat with Him especially as she had not done so all day, and as she had not been well over the weekend and still working and Master being out, it seemed that the conversations this last week have all been very short and impersonal, and the time difference makes things hard, but it was not to be, yes she chatted, but was hard to chat with someone who is talking with another at the same time, makes conversations difficult.

As the time for kitten visiting Master draws closer, she has many questions, some things said that she would like to have cleared up but unfortunately it is not always possible to have a conversation when Master is so in demand, kitten does not want to know what He says to others, what is said to her is what she is concerned about, and the feelings of others as well, kitten knows in their position she too would be feeling anxious, no matter what they like to pretend.

It seems just lately kitten is writing posts that will get her in trouble, is this her way of rebelling ? Really don’t think so, kitten uses this for her thoughts, she cannot say them else where so she says them here and if anyone was to actually read her journal, well it is an eye opener even for kitten when she re reads it the following morning , kitten is still suffering from stress related shingles, her face is so tender and her eye is once more affected, hell keeps on like this and the chances of kitten keeping the sight in her eye diminishes, so guess this is why kitten is writing, need to get the thoughts out or else she will never be stress free and am now running out of plate, kitten needs to go to a bootsale or a garage sale, her stress reliever at times is smashing plates, throwing them at the garden wall and watching them smash, fall into little pieces on the floor, kinda like kittens life at times, falling into little bits with no hope of being fixed, as the saying goes..........Ce la vie kitten, ce la vie