The Submissive

kitten loves this, the words are so powerful and meaningful

Fear

Fear is a powerful emotion, it can take over your life if you let it and at times there is nothing you can do to stop it, i am scared of many things, some rational and some totally irrational but in both cases the fear is the same, the quickning of your heart, the dizzy feeling as you struggle to breath slowly and not hyperventilate, the shaking of your body and the cold sweat that sits on your skin.

There is a big difference between being scared of something and being in fear of somethng, and this i know all to well, i have always refused to do ass to mouth, this is something kitten hates, it beings back things in her head and they are not feelings and thoughts she wants but last night she promised this in exchange for not having something else, so what is the difference ? well ass to mouth kitten is scared of * illogical she knows but it simply is * and the other thing she is in fear of * and that is also illogical but not something she can help*

Re reading this, it sounds like that ravings of a mad person, and the swopping from i to kitten and back again, guess the struggles go on, i need to be kitten and then things will be fine, kitten will be fine. it is only when i am me that i find myself lost without my anchor, Master is my anchor, and i hope to god His shoulders are broad enough for the weight

What is a Master ?

last night Master had kitten crying,,,, with laughter and it was something kitten never realised she needed, it lifted her in a way she has not felt in ages, all the turmoil in her head was temporarily forgotten and she was hurting with laughter * seems Master thinks kitten talks funny, like she says eetch instead of itch, and no matter how kitten tried, she could not say it right, but that could be because of the laughter.

How did Master know that kitten was down ? kitten never told Him, she never said a word, but He was so funny last night, lol kitten got banned from laughing at one stage as her belly was hurting and her tears were running down her face. How can one person know His slaves moods better than she does ? It was weird yet at the same time something kitten is learning to trust about Master, no matter what she says or doesn’t say, He knows kitten better than she knows herself at times, and that is scary yet at the same time a huge relief.

Kitten has a hard time talking about things she doesn’t want to bring to the front of her mind, this is an ongoing problem but for some reason Master wants to know, again this is hard, in previous M/s relationships kittens thoughts and feelings were always used against her, hence why she does not talk about them if she can avoid it * key phrase is kitten is fine thank You and then change the subject* This at times causes major problems, things build and kitten gets scared, and yes she is a whimp but that is how she is, if a person gets knocked down enough they learn to like the view from down there.

So last night was a welcome relief for kitten, for the first time in over a week kitten went to bed with a smile on her face and peace in her mind, it was a wonderful feeling and kitten learnt 5 things last night as well

#1Master is a terrible terrible tease

#2 Master now knows kitten hates spiders * this is not a good thing kitten is thinking

#3 Master knows kitten better than kitten does at times

#4 kitten needs to learn to speak properly * hhmmm wait till kitten starts talking cockney slang, that will baffle Master *

#5 Master is the One thing in kittens life that she can trust and believe in, last night proved that, no words spoken yet He knew, that is what being a Master is about, knowing those You own, helping them, guiding them and lifting them when they need it

Master may not have known what the problem was and to be honest kitten not sure He will ever be told * see the bit about talking about things * but last night certainly helped kitten more than He will ever know

Thank You Master, thank You for being You and for caring about kitten, kitten is one very lucky slave

Struggling

ok i am not sure what is wrong with me, i seem to be really struggling
at the moment and i am not sure why, so many things going on in my life,
and its not making things easy for me, for some reason i just want to cry,
and that is not like me at all

even writing this, i am not kitten, this is not who she is, this is me
and is that the problem ? is it because i don't know who i am any more ?
i am getting grief from ex and daughter, well thats almost normal yet for some reason
it seems to be sitting hard on me, and then add to that the grief from friends and
old Doms, i guess its no wonder i am losing all sense of reasoning,

i am going to see Master soon and that is scaring me, why ? that i can't answer, it might be that my last master was ex, well master in that sense of the word, and look how that ended up, ok i know it was years down the line, and things happened to make it all fall apart but lets face it, with all the hostility i have been subjected to over the time i have been with Master its no wonder i am starting to struggle, not just from ex,family, friends and old doms but from others who think they know what is best for me, and this is without actually knowing me at all. Masters is the one who knows me, He is the one who has a controlling influence on my life yet there are still those who think they should be able to tell me what to do and what is going to happen to me, all this just add more and more to my already overflowing doubts and fears

when did things get so complicated ? why is nothing easy any more ? all i ever wanted to be was happy, and now i am so confused it seems happiness is a long way away for me.

Sometimes its better not to talk

“Talk to me, tell me what you are doing, I have a right to know and you are going to tell me “ These are the words kitten was greeted with from her daughter, seems she was not content with talking kittens passport so kitten could not go to Master * kitten got it back when daughters boyfriend found it and wondered why it was in his house* no it seems she has been going through kittens computer and is telling her father all that kitten is doing * and kitten is sure most of it is made up as kitten hasn’t done anything wrong*
Kitten is going to be with Master soon for a visit, hopefully if things go well and Master is happy with kitten it will be more but in the mean time kitten seems to be getting objections and questions, arguments and bad feelings from every angle, and to be honest, it is wearing kitten down.
There are certain things kitten does not feel her daughter needs to know, and kitten would tell her if it was her business, but as it is, she is old enough that she has her own life now, so why can kitten not be allowed the same ? kitten knows ex is not happy, lol got the bruises to prove it* kitten doesn’t think he meant to push her really but guess he got cross with kitten * but at the end of the day, he has another sub, one who he loves to flaunt in kittens face at every opportunity so why can kitten not have a Master who respects her and treats her as a Master should ?
Guess this is just another step kitten has to take to be happy, and take the steps she will, kitten has been at the receiving end of so much that now it is her turn, and to hell with those who don’t like it, after all the only one who has a say in this is Master.

kittens Feelings

Time is moving, it is drawing slowly and slowly closer, this coming week will be a bad one for kitten as she is working long hours all week, this in turn means her time with Master will be less, not His fault, it is just how it works out, the others He owns are in the same time zone, kitten is not, so when she wants to spend time with Him it is hard for Him as others want to as well, kitten stays up until 2am her time, but this is something she does as she has a need to be with Master and this is the only way she can at the moment, this is as it is, soon she will be with Him and that in itself brings many things to kittens mind, thoughts she does not want to answer or have in her head.

What if kitten is not good enough for Master ? What if He doesn’t like kitten ? What is outside interference make things too hard for kitten to cope with ? Where will she run to ? How can she hide away inside herself if Master can actually see her face ? What can she do when things become too much for her ?

Kitten is used to dealing with her problems herself, she has been told off more than a few times by Master for not coming to Him when things were running around in her head, jumbling up and making her have more doubts, more fears, more concerns. Kitten knows she is not the most confident of people, she listens to others too much, she allows their words to break her down, its something Master is working on, He is trying to build kittens esteem, and it works for awhile, unfortunately things then take over and she crumbles, she breaks and is back where she started, only this time she is a bit further down, and the words said and things done are added to the pile she has hidden away. Kitten deals with things by shutting them away, she closes them off and unfortunately when she does that she invariably closes a bit more of herself away as well.

Kitten knows that soon she will be in Masters safety net, she will be loved and protected, she will be wanted by Master, that is all that matters, unfortunately she has to survive the coming days until she is there, and that is something she is afraid of, she really doesn’t know if she can survive

Being a slave

kitten is a slave, ok no big deal for many of you , and in some ways kitten knows that others look at her and say,, so what,, its not a big deal but for kitten it is, its a very big deal and that is something kitten will not deny, she knows she has this ‘ inherent’ desire to serve, and not just anyone, its not as if just because kitten is a slave anyone can come up to her and say ‘ Suck my cock slave’ as despite what kitten is sure some believe it is not like that at all.

So what does it mean to be a slave ? who are you if you serve another ? well honestly ,, you do not exist, there is no you, you are His and in being His He decides who you are, you are what He allows you to be, nothing more and nothing less, If He wishes you to play, He will tell you, until you are told you do not touch your body, remember its not yours any more, it belongs to Him, if He wants you to do certain tasks, you do them if it is within your abilities, whether you want to or not s irrelevant, its not your decision, If He wishes you to have sex with another be it male of female, again not your choice, its His. Everything you do or are is dependant on Him and that kitten knows some have a hard time with, lets face it, kitten still struggles at times and hell she has been in this life for years, but as each Master is different then each experience is different as well so past ‘ experience’ does not count for diddly squat.

In this life a lot,, no all of what a slave does depends on her Master, He is the controlling force in her life, the One who she looks to for guidance and help, the One she trusts and believes in above all others, He is the One constant in a slaves life and as such He has a hard job, He has to look out for His property, make sure it is happy and well, think of a car if you like, with out gas and oil and water it will cease to function, and so will a slave without love and care and nurturing, a slave is something a Master owns and just like His car or His house, time and care is needed to ensure that His slave is happy and content.

This life is not the easy escape from realism that some seem to think it is, its just life with a different twist, we have our problems the same as everyone else.

Rollercoaster of life

have you ever ridden a roller coaster, one theta turns you upside down and flips you all over the place ? It goes so fast and has so many twists and turns you wonder which way is up and which way is down, it leaves you shaking with excitement and trembling in fear all at the same time, well all kitten will say is ,, welcome to her world !

This last week has been hard for kitten for many reasons, some she will share and some she needs to keep to herself for her sanity, there are times in life when things are bleak, you look at where you are and see no way forward, things happen and it hurts, unfortunately couple that with a new project being undertaken and then things seem to mount up, the words you need to ground yourself are not there and then things grow in your mind and yes even in your heart, emotions become the order of the day and you need to either explode or shut down, both of which kitten has done, Did this change things ? Make them better ? nope not at all and then the feelings of sadness and despair take over,

kitten is a person who values things said, things mentioned, words can hurt as well as build her up, its strange life gives us so much but in return it takes more from us, its how we deal with it that counts, and sometimes kitten does not deal with it very well at all, but unless she tells Master then He will not know, but she cannot tell Him as He is busy, so kitten keeps it inside, she lets it have a part of her, it can not hurt her if she does not acknowledge it can it ? if she ignores it and pretends then things will be fine, won't they ?

kitten is kitten ,, all singing and all dancing and kitten will be fine .. she hopes

It makes kitten smile when she reads/hears of others misconceptions. Kitten knows that people form preconceived ideas and likes/dislikes to other people based on initial meetings but just lately she has seen those preconceived ideas enter into other things and to be honest she smiles when she hears of them
People seem to think that because kitten is online with her Master during the day and early evening that T/they do nothing but chat and interact, lol if only that was the truth! kitten can be online with Master for hours at a time and not a word spoken as He is busy, this is true for the day as well as the evening, and when kitten does get to talk to Him then invariably others would interrupt assuming that kitten had spoken to Him all day so kitten doesn’t get to interact with Him or have one to one time sometimes for days on end
An example is this week, Master has been busy with various projects and this kitten understands, she still craves that time spent talking but it has not happened, yet kitten is sure that people are under the impression that Master talks to kitten constantly ... one day this week, kitten and Master were online together for 13 hours, the total time spent talking amounted to less than 90 minutes, and that is not the first nor will it be the last time that happens kitten is sure
It seems to kitten that not everything is as it first appears and that is one thing that should be known, just because you think it doesn’t mean it is so... yes kitten is a slave to a poly Master and yes He will talk to kitten when He wishes and about what He wishes, but as with all things, its not all plain sailing and kitten would love to spend time with her Master on her own, but that is something she dreams of and knows happens only when others are not around to interrupt, either work, other projects or other slaves. All slaves are selfish in one way by craving time with the One who owns them, but all slaves need to learn to share if their Master is poly and that kitten does, a selfish slave who demands attention or throws her toys from the pram gets nothing, but by the same token a Master knows that all slaves have needs and wants, and does His best to see that all slaves are being cared for, even if it mean another slave getting her nose put out of joint

Poly Masters and slaves

A lot is said about being in a relationship and how a slave has no rights, but to kitten this is wrong, we do have some rights, and those are the rights of any human being, the right to be respected. What Master would want something He did not respect? the only type of Dom/Master would be an abusive one, to take a sub/slave and treat them with no respect is a form of abuse and it can and does destroy a slaves self esteem and a good Master builds a slave’s esteem as this makes her more worthy to Him as a person as well as a slave

A slave in a poly relationship has no rights over her Masters time and that is obvious in how she can be treated, she will sit and wait for Him to notice her, this is more evident online when the contact is limited anyway, add to this a time difference and this is more difficult, a Master will take this into account and will make sure that any time He is going to spend with that slave is hers, this does not always happen but kitten hopes that you would get that ‘special’ time at least twice a week, as everyone, including the Master needs to bond, and this is the way it happens.

Another thing kitten feels is that a slave needs to know exactly who is in the ‘ family’ who the other slaves and subs are, who else is a sister and to what degree, this is something that needs to be known, a Master who has 3 slaves is more able to satisfy the needs of His property than a Master who has 10, this kitten has seen a few times and to be honest if a Master is not telling you all involved in His life as a Master then you need to look at the reasons why ,, does He have too many to be able to be there for you when you need Him? Does He not regard you as a part of His family but more a distraction?

Kitten feels that to form a poly then all people involved need to know about each other and communicate, the doubts and misconceptions are fed when you discover that your Master has others you knew nothing about yet your sisters did and had been interacting with them alongside your Master, this leads you to question why you were not informed, a slave left out of the family is not a slave, she is just a person, and if she is to be part of the family then she needs to be included, that is not ‘Domming from the bottom’ that is being part of her Masters life, He accepted her gift of submission and all that it entailed, so to then not have her as part of Him is something she needs to ask why.

Something else that is important is you role in Masters life, what are you? if you are a sex slut then He will let you know that is what He wants from you but if He will not play with you then chances are that is not the role He has in mind for you, every slave fills a part of her Master, and a slave needs to know what part she is to fill,, if He wishes you to be a chauffeur and you cannot drive, then you will be of no use to Him! If He wants to take a whip to you and you hate pain, again some problems will arise, these are things that really need to be worked out and discussed.

It is hard for human nature not to get involved and jealousy is the one sure part of any slave regardless of whether she has been a slave for a 10 days or 10 years, the slave that says she is not jealous at some point or another is lying, both to herself and to her Master, something that a true Master will know and recognise as such, kitten does get jealous, not of the time spent with others as such but more of the time not spent with her. Kitten knows she has no rights over her Master but if looked at it another way, which Master would want a slave that is indifferent to Him? Who really didn’t care if He spoke/played/conversed with her? in one way the jealousy is a sign that a slave desires and wants her Master, and this can only be a good thing, as long as those feelings are not left to take over a slaves or a Master life then jealousy is an emotion that shows a Master how much He is love and desired, not only sexually but in an every day way as well

More kitten thoughts,, lol kitten really needs to stop writing what she feels!