Square Peg

Do you ever feel you don’t fit in ? that you are a square peg in a round hole ?
Just lately kitten has been feeling those things, she has been re reading some things said to her and more and more she is feeling that she is that square peg, but the thing is, its not kitten that is the square peg at times, confused ? lol welcome to kittens mind.

There are times when kitten knows that she is only half living, that there is a part of her missing, and that part is Master, she needs to serve Him r/t, online is ok as a way of getting to know someone but r/t is where the dream becomes a reality, and the reality is not always what people imagine. This is something kitten yearns for, to serve, to submit, to be once more. Sometimes when kitten sees people in some of the adult sites playing at being a Dom and sub she honestly thinks they believe what their fantasies are is what this life is, omg if only it was like that at times, there would be no periods of silence while Master was with another * true is your Master or Dom is poly* there would be no trying to change who you are to make Him notice you * seen this happen a few times over the years, but the thing they fail to realise is that their Dom or Master accepted their submission based on them as a person, on how they were at that time *

Another thing that is so noticable is when people say one thing but in reality mean another, they talk so well because on line i does not affect them, but in r/t things are just that REAL, so while they can say that they will submit to anothers will with no problem so many of them can't, they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. Another thing that is so noticable is how many on these sites say things because they think they can change the way a Dom or Master is, the image of the picket fence and rose garden is what they want, not a Dom but a boyfriend to go to the movies with or to take walks on the beach with, and this is something that a Dom does do with those they own but it is as a D/s or M/s not as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

kitten has been told by new ones who see her interaction with her Master that she is incapable of love, that is not true, kitten does love her Master, but she also knows that she loves Him as her MASTER, her FRIEND and as her One, she does not love Him as her boyfriend or partner, He will never be that and that is not what kitten wants, its confusing but it is this life, it is not what you see in the chat rooms, this is real and its wonderful if you want it to be.

So what does this have to do with kitten being a square peg ? Well she sees and hears things, she reads and tries to understand what is said and more and more she sees others ideas of what M/s life is and she sometimes wonders if it is her that is wrong ? Have the rules changed and no one told her ? Is she living in the past and how she was taught and what she believed in now obsolete ?

Kitten was taught that this life is not about her, there is no place for a me me me mindset, it is about the One you serve, Their wishes and desires are what matter most, she was also taught that sex was a privilege and not a right, and if she was to be on house cleaning duties for a month while her Master was with another in her freshly made bed then that is how it was to be * sure used to annoy kitten when she had just changed the sheets though * Kitten was taught that the word no was acceptable if she was prepared for the consequences, * learnt that most times it was not worth saying no * Kitten learnt what it felt like to be resented, * remember in some subs eyes kitten was the main sub, as she was married to Him but at times nothing could have been further from the truth * Yet through it all kitten knew she was born to serve another, she had a part of her missing if she was not submissive to her Master and that is how she is feeling now, she needs to submit to Him in r/t, she needs to feel Him around her, and nope not talking cuddles and pillows * private joke and one kitten is praying does not come true * but to feel His strength, His wisdom and His belief in kitten,

So is kitten a square peg ? Not really sure but she knows that if she is then she will do all she can to smooth the edges as she needs to be Masters gattino.

Day Off but staying away

Kitten has found herself with an unexpected day off, she was supposed to be working but due to being owed 3 weeks holiday that has to be taken before the end of the month she has got today off, well its a start at least ! This will give her time to get some jobs done, some things sorted out, before she goes to Master. When kitten found out she had this time, she was pleased, it meant that she could spend some time with Master, as just lately even though she has spoken to Him it has been interrupted chat or short conversations but the more she thought of it the more she realised she would not speak to Him any more, in fact properly less.

Kitten knows there are others in Masters life, those who read this blog know that Master is poly, and kitten has no problem with that, she tends to stay silent when another needs to chat with Him for what ever reason, she knows this is not supposed to be her choice but kitten knows that some have trouble understanding this way of life and so need something more, lol to read this you would think kitten an angel, she isn’t, she just has trouble interrupting when Master is talking with another, something not everyone seems to find hard but kitten does. Kitten knows she got annoyed last night, and thankfully Master was interrupted so it gave kitten the excuse to leave, once more expectations and hope came into play and kitten had hoped to chat with Him especially as she had not done so all day, and as she had not been well over the weekend and still working and Master being out, it seemed that the conversations this last week have all been very short and impersonal, and the time difference makes things hard, but it was not to be, yes she chatted, but was hard to chat with someone who is talking with another at the same time, makes conversations difficult.

As the time for kitten visiting Master draws closer, she has many questions, some things said that she would like to have cleared up but unfortunately it is not always possible to have a conversation when Master is so in demand, kitten does not want to know what He says to others, what is said to her is what she is concerned about, and the feelings of others as well, kitten knows in their position she too would be feeling anxious, no matter what they like to pretend.

It seems just lately kitten is writing posts that will get her in trouble, is this her way of rebelling ? Really don’t think so, kitten uses this for her thoughts, she cannot say them else where so she says them here and if anyone was to actually read her journal, well it is an eye opener even for kitten when she re reads it the following morning , kitten is still suffering from stress related shingles, her face is so tender and her eye is once more affected, hell keeps on like this and the chances of kitten keeping the sight in her eye diminishes, so guess this is why kitten is writing, need to get the thoughts out or else she will never be stress free and am now running out of plate, kitten needs to go to a bootsale or a garage sale, her stress reliever at times is smashing plates, throwing them at the garden wall and watching them smash, fall into little pieces on the floor, kinda like kittens life at times, falling into little bits with no hope of being fixed, as the saying goes..........Ce la vie kitten, ce la vie

Seeing Things Differently

This post is going to be a bit weird, kitten knows what she wants to say and as usual the right way of saying it evades her, so maybe she should not write anything, but as she was told a few days ago, this place is for her.

When kitten gets up in the morning the first thing she does is look for certain posts and blogs, to read the new entries and submissions, and when she did that this morning she saw a name that made her groan, and really there is no reason for that except the name belongs to a person who not even knowing kitten had sent her an email saying she did not like her because of her name !!

Kitten mentioned this and was told that she was reading too much into things, well if someone tells you they don’t like you and you have no idea who the heck they are, you do tend to be defensive. When kitten went and read some of the things she had posted on another site, all kitten could think of was she is playing games, and that is kittens opinion, now she also knows this is not the opinion of another, and that’s fine, but you see, kitten tends to be protective, you mess with her sister and kitten will fight to the end for her * and yes kitten knows she fights with her, but that’s allowed, that’s what families do, so its a case of kitten can but no one else can* The same is true for her Master, you mess with Him and kitten goes into protective mode, and yes she knows its not her job to protect Him, but there are so many out there who play games she gets sick of people trying to hurt others to get their kicks.

Kitten knows everyone who is interested in this life needs to start somewhere and she will do all she can to answer questions and give a true insight into this life, but all too often those who think they want this life just want the sex side of it,they want a bit of kink in their lives and as she has said before, you stop the sex talk and the playing online with most of them and they pull a disappearing act faster than a speeding bullet and the cybersex is fine if that is all both parties are looking for, but real Doms and Master are those who LIVE the WHOLE life and that is where a sub and slave can see the difference, and that name this morning was the reason for this, all kitten can see is someone playing a game, and yeap she knows she will get in trouble for this post but at the end of the day kitten is quite smart, she sees things that she is sure others do not, hell having lived this way for so long now, its getting easier and easier to read the signs, and as it is not her heart and feelings being involved she can look at things in a different way,

To all the game players out there, please remember that this is a persons life you are messing with and if it is a poly Dom or Master you are playing then usually it is other subs and slaves lives as well.

Help Needed

Kitten is appealing to all subs and slaves, she is trying to find a copy of the Masters Handbook, you know the one kitten is referring to, the ‘bible’ that her Master quotes when kitten is teasing Him and He knows she is right * and please lets not go to the who is right, as by all accounts kitten is wrong as she drives on the left, and Master is right as He drives on the right but if kitten is wrong when she is right then surely when she is on the left she is right as right is wrong, see simple kitten logic *

The reason kitten wants this book is she swears it has magic pages, as kitten knows what is on page two this week was not on page two last week, and it usually ends up with kitten owing Master something ! Now kitten not saying that Master is a cheat * kitten thinks He is at times but according to Master He can’t cheat as He is Master and they are His rules, says so in the book page three *

Kitten at this moment owes Master about a quadrillion cuddles and hugs, this she thinks is grossly unfair as His inflation rate is about a million to make up for the economy, that’s not kittens fault !!!! kitten also owes about 1,000 kisses with tongue, hhhmmmm wonder if biting is allowed ? just thinking aloud.

Kitten loves to tease Master, she loves to hear Him laugh and she loves to get Him flustered when she talks really fast as He can’t always understand what kitten is saying, ok will admit to saying slang words at times to confuse Him but its such fun !

Another thing kitten has learnt really quickly is not to try to bargain with Master, He is one smart cookie and kitten always seems to end up owing Him more and when she finally figures out where He twisted her around she will try to renegotiate * ok will take lessons in debating first* kitten thought she was smart (ish) but He leaves her standing, but not in a demeaning way, in a way that makes kitten laugh, and once she starts laughing she has lost the debate if it can be called that,
kitten means how can you have a debate with someone who says “ Its in the Masters Handbook but slaves can’t see it, its invisible ?? “

Why does kitten and Master tease each other ? Is this a sign that kitten is not a slave, that she has no respect for Him ? Is she treating Him like a boyfriend/partner/husband (god forbid on all of them ) No she is treating Master as a person, yes He is Master and apart from a few slips when kitten is hurting kitten treats Master with the respect and honour He is entitled to as her Master but at the same time kitten is not scared of Master, she knows He will never hurt her and she knows He will never punish/abuse/ridicule her and that means kitten can tease Him and she can torment Him as a person does, and it does not have to be sexually orientated, in fact the best laughs are the normal ones and as a Master He does not take offence as it is not meant in that way,

Master is a Man with a high powered job, He is always working hard and He is always helping His slaves, so why can’t kitten lighten His day for Him when she is able ? kitten talks to Master about many things, she has conversations and ideas, she asks questions and remembers things said previously, kitten is a slave yes but she is also a person Master can talk to or not talk to as the need takes, even Masters need conversations at times and not always about sex, lets face it, if that was the only topic then life would be a bit monotonous after awhile.

Expectations

Many subs or slaves become interested in this life, they then find a Dom or Master and they submit, nothing wrong with that at all, the trouble and problems start when they come into this life with expectations, they have a ‘vision’ of what this life will be like, what they will receive from it and how it will fulfil their lives, unfortunately in almost 90% of those cases the expectations are very wrong.


This is a wonderful life if it is one you are suited to, and if kitten is honest it is not something for everyone, they can incorporate certain parts into their everyday lives but the actual M/s or D/s relationship beyond a scene or playing is not for everyone, this is something that needs to be recognised straight away.
There should be no expectations on a sub or slaves behalf, as if she has them then the focus is on her and not her Master, its what she wants and what she is expecting, this leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, of wanting more, of thinking she deserves better than she is receiving, these feelings are more prominent in a poly relationship especially if the slave sees another getting more attention for what ever reason.


The needs of a slave are met by a Master, BUT they are what He thinks she needs not what she thinks she deserves, there is a big difference between a need and deserving something. If a sub or slave goes into certain situations expecting things to happen in a specific way and they don’t she then suffers feelings of loss and disappointment, whose fault is that ? Not the Masters as the slave is trying to predict what is going to happen, she is building herself up for certain things that she thinks she deserves, things she think are her right as His slave and if the don’t occur then she is the one who is going to have her expectations dashed. For example, if a sub or slave is always spanked in the evening for instance and then all of a sudden the Master starts to cuddle her instead, the slave can feel a sense of disappointment if she has been looking forward to a spanking, the same as if she is cuddled in the morning and all of a sudden He does not do that, who is at fault ?


Another instance is time spent with a slave, and this is one that kitten sees all the time and one she admits to saying to Master a few times. A slave deserves time with Master, but does she ? Who is kitten to tell Master what she deserves ? kitten loves her time with Master, its kittens time when she can talk to Him, tell Him things that have been worrying her and its the time she looks forward to as it strengthens the bond between Master and kitten but this is not something kitten deserves, nor is it something she has a right to expect, it is Masters choice who He spends His time with and how He spends it, and while kitten might love the interactions, she is not calling the shots Master is, but at the same time kitten knows she can go to Master with a problem and He will help her, that is the difference between expectations and a need.


A sub and slave should know that her needs are going to be met by her Dom or Master, He will care for and protect His property, He will ensure her well being and He will be her teacher and mentor, He is not however responsible for her hopes and expectations,

Erotic Humiliation

There is something about being called a slut or a whore, being made to kneel at His feet, being used as a toy for His pleasure only that is so erotic, its something kitten loves and thankfully so does Master.

There are many books on the market describing this, but kitten has just finished reading one which to her seems to capture all the important parts of this act, to humiliate someone is something many people do on a daily basis but to humiliate someone within the BDSM life is not abuse, it is erotic play and in kittens opinion its great.

Picture the scene, a slave on her knees, her Master thrusting into her while all the time He is calling her names, telling her how bad a fuck she is, how she is worthless and He is only using her as there is not one else around at that time, mmmm such a turn on to hear Him telling kitten how useless she is, how worthless, and the thing to remember is, this is in a scene, afterwards Master does not call kitten them names, she is not worthless and W/we B/both know this.

This is a great book and one kitten really reccomends

http://www.anownedlife.com/products/erotichumiliation.html

Questions

There are many times in a slaves submission she questions herself, she questions her abilities, whether she is someone that her Master wants, she questions if she is really cut out for the life of a submissive, indeed she asks herself can she really be what her Master desires, will she ever be able to make Him happy

All these questions are normal, and this kitten knows, but just because they are normal does not stop them from entering a slaves mind, events happen that trigger thoughts off and then comes a period of doubt, it usually does not last long but then again it can last too long, during which time you can really go through some bad thoughts, so what does a slave do ?

Well she should talk to her Master for a start, good advice kitten knows, and some she should take herself but kitten being kitten does things differently, she doesn’t talk, not having been used to telling anyone before what she is thinking or feeling it does not come easy, and on the few occasions she did tell her ‘friend ‘ it was used against her, more reason for kitten to keep her own council.

Kitten has been a slave for a long time but that does not mean she is immune to the thoughts and feelings of a new one, indeed sometimes because kitten knows a bit more about the lifestyle it makes the thoughts worse, and while she knows that things will work out as they are meant to it does not stop her having concerns.

When feelings and thoughts are predominant in a slaves mind, she should take the time to look at what causes them, she should examine the reasons and ask herself, is this something that is going to be a regular occurrence, and if it is, is it something she can live with, get past or accept ? The answer to these questions needs to be yes, as without a yes to the last two if the first one is yes then life as a slave can be very hard.

Talking is a great way to work your fears and problems out, but sometimes, the need to go within yourself is too great, so thats what kitten does, she goes inside and tries to figure things our herself, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but thats something kitten has to deal with.

As the time draws nearer for kitten to finally be with her Master she knows that there will be more questions and more events which will call into play all her strength and resolve, is she strong enough to deal with these things ? Only time will tell